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RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/13/2010 6:53:46 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4554
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AnimusRex

Worst case scenario...if all else fails....as a last desperate resort...you could just get to know them in nonsexual situations, until you get a comfort level of trust.


gosh Rex... that sounds so....... logical and simple, heaven forbid we use our common sense


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Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/13/2010 7:23:36 AM   
DomMeinCT


Posts: 1070
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Well that's a good point... what would you do instead?


I don't think there's any substitute for getting to know someone yourself and making those decisions and judgements about them on your own.  Most everything else is subjective (others' opinions), and I trust myself the best.

< Message edited by DomMeinCT -- 3/13/2010 7:24:55 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/13/2010 9:27:45 AM   
sublizzie


Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline 		Actually, I've investigated men from vanilla sites. Santa met my best friend on a vanilla site and she checked him out before she dated him so I didn't have to do it with him, but otherwise, yeah. I check people out before I meet them. Being nearly raped by someone I met on an on-line site will make you very, very cautious.

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(in reply to DomMeinCT)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/13/2010 12:39:48 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3067
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hieros

I'm so very new to all this and I found that some submissives ask for references... thing that I think is a very good idea... but does really anyone do it. have you asked s dom for references? and if yes what was the answer?

thank you for your coments

I neither ask for nor offer references.

My only interest in D/s comes via a personal and intimate relationship angle. That means I don't ask my best mate what he thinks of the cute girl across the room anymore than I would ask that girl's best friend, either. I have the brains and nouse to figger what attracts and feels right to me and what doesn't.

And it works fine by internet/email etc, too. Assuming you have the courage and good sense to listen to your own instincts, you just know when even a faceless internet stranger feels right enough for you that you go to the next step. Equally, that same gut feeling tells you when to cut your losses and delete....

Focus.

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/13/2010 1:25:51 PM   
afkarr


Posts: 326
Joined: 1/13/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AnimusRex

Worst case scenario...if all else fails....as a last desperate resort...you could just get to know them in nonsexual situations, until you get a comfort level of trust.



Damn, I must be one desperate chick, I always insist on meetng anyone for a non playdate in public first, and I've walked away from several of those because either there was no mutual interest, or it turned out to be a case of their kink was not my kink.

(in reply to AnimusRex)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/13/2010 1:28:40 PM   
Woolrich


Posts: 5
Joined: 3/8/2010
Status: offline 		I completely agree with the suggestion to meet on neutral ground, first. A coffee shop is usually best, especially for me, because then there's no temptation to get an alcoholic drink that may make me relax my guard or overlook warning signs because I'm tipsy, horny or just really really hopeful that I've met someone amazing.

Also, once you've had a chance to meet a person, they will often give away enough information that you can tell if they are real or if they are reciting things they've read or seen online. I've met a few who tell me how they are so certain that one or two very specific things will make them happy...yet they've never even tried these things!

Best luck!

(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/13/2010 2:12:56 PM   
vixenmoon


Posts: 33
Joined: 3/19/2009
Status: offline 		I do not ask for references.  I prefer to get to know someone.  Now, if a trusted friend knows someone I'm interested in, they'll usually approach me.  If the info isn't coming from someone I already trust, then what's the point?

(in reply to Woolrich)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/13/2010 3:34:37 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 4039
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AcademyForSlaves

Hi.

I usually don't feel a dominant should have to qualify to a sub by giving references, but it makes sense for a sub to qualify to be accepted by a dominant. But if your talking about safety that's a different story, then reviews and references might be a good idea. But trust your own opinion and instinct before putting your trust in someone else's personal opinion.

Hope this helps.


If there isn't going to be a relationship, this *may* be appropriate. For those who are seeking a romantic relationship that involves a power dynamic, the concept that from the gate, the dominant is more superior than the submissive is a bunch of crap. When entering a relationship, both partners need to "qualify" their acceptablitiy to each other. If the people involved are not looking to have a relationship but merely get together for the purpose of living out their kink, then there still needs to be the ability for each to learn about the other on their own terms not from the perspective of someone else.

I know I'm not alone in saying that whenever I see some "puffed up" dominant who posts something in his profile about "accepting applications," or that he is currently "interviewing" submissives, I laugh at his little fantasy life and move on.

(in reply to AcademyForSlaves)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/13/2010 4:04:40 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 3041
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady


I know I'm not alone in saying that whenever I see some "puffed up" dominant who posts something in his profile about "accepting applications," or that he is currently "interviewing" submissives, I laugh at his little fantasy life and move on.


You are not the only one, Lady.  It always seems to be an act to appear to be in demand from numerous submissives when they haven't had even one reply to a cmail in the last 6 months. 

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/13/2010 4:12:58 PM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline 		What LL and Peppermint said.  

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/13/2010 4:36:48 PM   
DWCskitten


Posts: 199
Joined: 3/2/2010
Status: offline 		~Fast Reply~
No, i've never asked for references. When a pair breaks up, whether vanilla or kink, obviously there are going to be less-than-stellar comments about the ex, which may or may not be true. Just because S/someone isn't good for one person, it doesn't mean they won't be perfect for the next. i would much rather get to know the person myself on a non-sexual basis as P/people first, THEN move on to more intimate activities AFTER that. Using common-sense and your own judgement, instead of someone else's.

kitten

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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/13/2010 6:06:48 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 4039
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady


I know I'm not alone in saying that whenever I see some "puffed up" dominant who posts something in his profile about "accepting applications," or that he is currently "interviewing" submissives, I laugh at his little fantasy life and move on.


You are not the only one, Lady.  It always seems to be an act to appear to be in demand from numerous submissives when they haven't had even one reply to a cmail in the last 6 months. 



You know what peppermint? I never thought of it as a ployt to appear "in demand." I always just attributed it to living in a fantasy world. Your viewpoint makes it even more humorous.

(in reply to peppermint)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/13/2010 6:36:23 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 17842
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		References are only usefulfor those who play casually in my opinion. Most ex wives aren't going to give you a glowing reference, after all if they really felt the guy was that great they wouldn't have gotten divorced.

Since I wasn't interested in casual play, I didn't. It was more important to me that he told me verafiable truths, that he had maintained a marriage for many years, that he spoke knowledgably about his children. Those were things I cared about. Not whether he could do a florentine flogging.


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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/13/2010 8:00:43 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1757
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

have you asked s dom for references? and if yes what was the answer?


Nope, I don't ask subs for references. I subscribe to one of those personal information services, once I have enough information, and I have decided I am interested in someone, I run a credit check and a criminal background check. I then have enough to know if they are liable to create risks for me, or if they lie. Anything else is a waste of time. It costs me $10 a month, and it lets me screen contractors and stores as well.

(in reply to Hieros)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/14/2010 5:11:03 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

have you asked s dom for references? and if yes what was the answer?


Nope, I don't ask subs for references. I subscribe to one of those personal information services, once I have enough information, and I have decided I am interested in someone, I run a credit check and a criminal background check. I then have enough to know if they are liable to create risks for me, or if they lie. Anything else is a waste of time. It costs me $10 a month, and it lets me screen contractors and stores as well.



This is a joke isn't it?!?!

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/14/2010 5:41:32 AM   
janigrey


Posts: 118
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Yes, I have asked for references. I want to find out if they know anyone locally. Does this make it okay for me to play with them because someone else said it was okay?
NOPE.
I still make sure that my first meeting is in a public place, and strictly platonic in nature. I also have a safe call set up for this as well.


Does not having reference keep me from meeting someone in a safe public location? NOPE

However - its mentally easier for me knowing that a person is involved in the local community - its a faux sense of safety - but one that hasn't let me down yet.
I've met alot of people for coffee. The ones that have met either lots of people as well - or are involved in a community tend to come off - more sane. the ones that I am their first coffee with anyone kinky sometimes come across as desperate and scary. (No, not everyone meeting a fellow kinkster comes off as desperate and scary BUT many do - and besides this is all based on my opinion of their behavior)
What I find desperate and scary others may find endearing.


(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/14/2010 6:54:55 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 5898
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hieros

I'm so very new to all this and I found that some submissives ask for references... thing that I think is a very good idea... but does really anyone do it. have you asked s dom for references? and if yes what was the answer?

thank you for your coments


H.


I never asked for references. That seems so odd to me. If you (generic you) can't trust your own instincts and judgements, then you have no business getting involved in an adult relationship.
Also, the reference thing would probably only work if the other was involved in munches, public play, etc.

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(in reply to Hieros)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/14/2010 10:28:19 AM   
Ravensnake


Posts: 77
Joined: 8/17/2008
Status: offline 		I occasionally do singletail and fire whip demos (on the receiving end) so I do have to make sure the person I'm working with knows what they're doing. So, yes, I ask for references.

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/14/2010 6:32:51 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 5955
Joined: 6/26/2005
Status: offline 		I never asked for references. I just went out with men on dates and got to know them and either we clicked or we didn't.

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/14/2010 6:34:26 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 12961
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I do not ask for references.  I prefer to decide for myself.  And how good can a reference really be?

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Profile   Post #: 40
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