From: Austin, TX
I have been to many femdom parties. Many amongst these parties have been Club FEM parties. While Club FEM protocols may vary from place to place, the ones I attended involved a social hour followed by protocol. When protocol was announced, men changed to a thong, cuffs, and collar. What occurred next was similar to what Rochsub describes.
All of the males were required to obey any request made by a female (unless he was collared. In that case, the other Domme had to get permission from his Mistress before giving him a command).
Massages and foot rubs were prevalent.
For the parties I attended, a more accurate description would be that all men were to be deferential to the women. If a woman asked a man to bring her a drink, he would be expected to obey. However, I would not say that any request had to be obeyed and limits were to be respected.
At first, I went to such parties primarily to enjoy the Fm atmosphere, and the criteria and importance of attraction and chemistry were different then than they are today. Now my primary reason--if I am going alone--is to meet new people or maintain existing friendships. In other words, the party would not be too different for me if the protocol was not used and it was simply a gathering of dommes and subs. The fantasy of a female supremacy environment was and still is nice. The reality of chemistry and attraction now tempers that fantasy.
I had tried to attend an 'open' one (advertised on the net) in Florida and I was told I could not as my relationship did not conform to the model. I was told I would not be welcome as my boy was not biologically male.
It's never fun to be excluded but sometimes it is a question of a group that serves a specific purpose. It seems like you might have gone to a Club FEM party, or a group with a similar objective. The FEM acronym stands for females enslaving males and the group seeks to specifically cater to Fm versus general femdom. There are groups that cater to women only, including Ff groups. It is similar in purpose and if it is what the organizers seek, is this exclusion different than excluding dominant men from attending?
Thus, if a group is allowing male submissives only and it is the purpose of the group, fair enough. You refer to your boy as a she, and it is unclear to me how your boy identifies. If your boy identifies as male, I think the BDSM community is still learning about transgenderism and it is possible that what you encountered related more to lack of awareness about transgenderism. For instance, many such groups also require biologically female (versus a MtF) dommes. This matter is unfortunately not an easy one to address. I recall a past discussion about an MtF domme whose request for an invitation was declined for an invite-only Fm party. The discussion had a tone of regret and uncertainty about what should have been done: should the person have been allowed, were subs entitled to know (because it is crucial to some), if so who should inform the subs, how would people respond to the person at the party? It was the first time the hosts encountered such a request and they were unsure about what to do.
Again, I think the BDSM community, especially the het BDSM community, is still learning about transgenderism and how to adjust its policies. Even the lesbian community, which has greater exposure to transgender issues, is struggling to deal with it. I recall reading protestations about a women's gathering where MtFs whose ID did not identify them as female were not allowed, and there was debate about which policy would be the most suitable.
Tea parties are fun. I have served at a private tea party hosted by an Fm couple, and several at BDSM conventions which were general femdom. The latter had servers of any gender, and dominants including MtFs but excluded male dominants. I recall once a man (a male dominant) came in to take photos for a publication and then sat on an empty table where no one paid attention to him. I carry some regret that we ignored him but am also torn about how serving him would have affected future parties and the spirit of the party. For him to sit down went against the purpose of the party but given his intent, I wonder if we could have been more gracious in our hospitality and served him not in the D/s spirit but in spirit of kindness.