allyC
Posts: 778
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: Las Vegas
Status: offline
|
What does vulnerability feel like to you? Hmmm... now there's a damned good brain-pickin' question! Not so easy to put into words but I will give it a shot. For me, it depends on the situation. For the most part, I feel vulnerable to some degree all of the time. While in many ways I have grown stronger throughout my relationship with my owner, in other ways I have discovered new "chinks in my armor" so to speak. My dependence on him is something that has put me in a place of weakness to an extent. My dependence on his validation in all of the things I do leaves me open to tremendous hurt should I disappoint him. In the past, dissapointing someone was always a big bummer but now it can be absolutely heart-wrenching. Just a word from him can take me to places at all ends of the spectrum... no one has ever had such power over me before and while it is frightening, I still find great security in knowing that whatever place he brings me to, he will make sure that in the end, all is well. I have often told him that while he is like the sun, I am the moon, needy of his light for my own illumination. The fear of losing that light keeps me in a place of vulnerability. While it varies from time to time, it is always there. I used to believe such a thing was a very negative thing - after all, isn't being independent and completely self-assured and self-motivated supposed to be the goal for most people? But... I have learned that within the life we have, I thrive and blossom far more than I did when such independence and autonomy was the primary goal.
What are some of the physical reactions you have in your body when you feel vulnerable? That varies a great deal depending on the why of the situation. If it is something purely emotional (i.e. I am afraid of disappointing him), I feel this thing near the solar plexus... it is sort of like a pressure but more like an ache. I know it is purely psycho-somatic but it hurts just the same. It makes me feel anxious and frightened. If it is a physical thing (i.e. he has me firmly secured to "the chair" and has all sorts of skeery implements in sight) I go through phases. Initially it there is nearly always a rush of pure fear - not a fear of him perse but rather that feeling of absolutely knowing that no matter how much I struggle - how much I plead - he will do as he intends to do. The chair, in particular, makes me feel all that more vulnerable because he is able to secure my legs in such a way that they are spread excrutiatingly wide and most often, my arms are pulled high above my head by the pulley system. I feel utterly exposed and physically vulnerable at that point. I nearly always get gooseflesh that comes and goes and I get frequent rushes of pulse and whooshing sounds to the head as if I can hear my own pulse and blood flow. If he is using something sharp, the closer he gets to my most sensitive spots , I nearly always feel a burst of fear and at times it even causes me to struggle against my restraints. Deep down I know that he would bring me no harm but that primal need to protect myself kicks in (which is often followed by a few words in my ear such as "I wouldn't move if I were you," and at that point, that same vulnerable feeling that made me squirm keeps me shock still.) When he puts me on the floor, free to move on my hands and knees, it is a different type of vulnerability. In these instances I certainly can ball up, pull my arms and knees up, try to crawl away, twist, roll, and try to avoid the impact of whatever he is beating me with but I know deep down that there's no way in hell I can get away. It is a very primal thing when he gives me that freedom at on the same note, my reactions are primal as well. I don't get the goosebump thing during these times - I get more of heightened sense of self-preservation. Strangely enough though, if I just reach back with my hand and wrap my fingers around his boot, ankle, or calf, that feeling subsides as it brings me back to realize that it is him - and if I call out to him (often I call out that I love him when it hurts the most), it also helps to ease that feeling of fear and vulnerability.
What about vulnerability makes you afraid? Everything? hehehe! I'm a very afraid kind of person to be honest. Anxiety has been my unwanted companion for many, many years and so any time I feel exposed either physically or emotionally it just kicks in. It is that sense of being stripped bare and left open that can be so difficult but for me, what makes me the most afraid is (back to the first part of my post) the dependence I have on him. I think what scares me the most is being without him. If he were taken from my life for any reason, I think at that point the sense of vulnerability and fear would be unimaginable.
Has vulnerability ever made you cry? Can you describe the action and the moment and what it felt like?
Everything makes me cry! I'm the most mushy, emotional, sap I've ever met! (I once cried during a Hallmark commercial for crying out loud!) But yes... the sense of feeling vulnerable has made me cry - more than twice! ;) I would say that it happens most often immediately after he is done beating me (or doing whatever it is that he's doing to me) Once he tells me that it is over, there is this something inside - it is a mix of relief and fear. At this point I feel so crazily raw and insecure and freakishly vulnerable... This is usually followed by my finding my way to his feet, wrapping my arms around his legs, pressing my cheek or my brow to his feet and crying almost uncontrollably. It feels as if everything has been washed away and yet there is this emptiness too - this feeling of being absolutely raw inside. I am fortunate and very grateful that he nearly always takes the time to be gentle, to reassure me and to often praise me for giving as much as I did. He hands become very gentle (amazing how they can go from being so brutally harsh to being so gentle and reassuring) and he usually strokes my hair. While I still feel so open and exposed (often for many hours), I find that light - you know the sun thing I mentioned earlier - making me glow a bit. Okay... so I typed another novel - sorry everyone. It all just sorta came out. hehe Not sure if the above is very wankable but I'm happy to contribute to your wank material, Akasha! :) Well wishes, Cav's ally
|
I'm trolling for wank material. What does vulnerability... - 
Profile
- 
- in a punishment situation my body just braces. 
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread