CynthiaWVirginia
Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MzPeachz
I am new to the lifestyle. I have had several face-to-face meetings with submissive men. Basically, I want to know what a submissive man is looking for when first meeting a Mistress? How do I present myself? Should I just be myself or act like I'm in control? or Should I wait until he has verbally agreed to give himself to me? What should be the conversation topics? Should I focus on vanilla interests or bdsm? What type of questions should I be asking? How do I seal the deal? I would like to hear any constructive advice on the issue.
I'm not a submissive male, but I can say what my experiences in meeting them have been like:
1) Many will have had no r/t experience at all...or maybe they saw a Pro-Domme once or pushed a wife or girlfriend into experimenting once before their final breakup. These will vastly outnumber the ones who have been in a good D/s relationship for a while. With the ones who have cybered with BDSM play and web camming, you might have a lot of reprogramming to do, as the males get used to being around a real time Domme and real submission instead of the fantasies they were used to. Putting handcuffs on themselves and masturbating and hitting themselves to an audience has a totally different feel to it than handing over actual control to someone else. Online pain sluts often need to have what they think they can take taken down several levels. Remember to leave them wanting more instead of wanting to leave the lifestyle and wondering why in the world did they think they were into this.
2) Some will approach you like you are there to serve all their kinky needs, and will think the offer of their dick and a butt to spank is a very generous offer. Even if you make it very clear that you are looking for someone who feels emotionally submissive to you...this will never make it past their kink filter to see you have needs other than what they have decided on is your script.
If his needs completely drown out your own, and he is not attentive to your needs or happiness, he might be an okay bottom to practice on for a session or two...but you must be clear about your limits and keep it a fun learning experience. I have told bottoms in the past when we didn't click, but that I would like to know more about their kink. Most have gone without a fix in so long, if ever having had a r/t fix at all, that they will be more than happy to scene. (What he offers to you...is like a palette of oil colors. Paint within the colors of his limits and interests but remember that when the scene starts, YOU are the artist. He may serve you by offering suggestions, and explaining what he feels physically and emotionally with each stroke...um...each activity you do to him.)
Maybe it might be better to make your mistakes and get them over with with bottoms who won't take you very seriously and know that it begins and ends with that one session. If you want to learn more from him about another activity, you might approach him and tell him this and see if he wishes to bottom again. I did this in the beginning, before I found compatible submissives.
If this would hurt you in some way to do this, then don't. Don't turn learning into a job...keep it fun.  Btw, I have never had sex with bottoms, and since I don't prefer to watch someone wanking off, sessions have been orgasmless. If they get a quick orgasm, you will probably lose their attention, and I find watching that poor, helpless boner kinda cute. Know yourself, be true to yourself, enjoy all the self discoveries you're going to make about yourself and your likes and dislikes.
3) Someone who is on the same wavelength as you are and a gentle, buzzing feedback loop will begin and you will almost feel drunk and sure of yourself, not insecure at all after the first hour. This can be like a dance, when you take a step forward something inside of him is compelled/mesmerized into taking the complementary step backward. The word Ma'am might spring up softly in his speech out of nowhere, there's an eagerness to be pleasing and helpful and he starts doing tiny things to serve you without being asked...I kind of love it when the eyes lower and he gets all pink on the cheeks or earlobes. <Wide Evil Grin>
When it's good, it's REALLY GOOD, just wait until you get someone to subspace for you...you'll feel almost omnipotent in that moment. And the power buzz...I feel like I'm too close to lightning and there's a cushion of energy, like static, all over my body and I feel like my hair is almost rising with it. It's an incredible feeling, sights and smells and sounds all become sharper and the rest of the world sort of slows down...and my focus gets very sharp. I only get this when there is emotional submission to me, as long as having physical arousal so hard that I'm almost walking like a duck, lol.
4) Sadly you will run into some vanilla men who think that women into BDSM are very horney and that we are an easy first date lay.
5) Others will be cheating marrieds...look for a cheater tick where the wedding ring was slipped off and left in the car, and see if he freaks when you suggest scening at his home in the near furture. The man I have under consideration made a sound like he was swallowing a golf ball when I mentioned scening at his house, lol, but a moment later he started talking about maybe turning turning part of his basement into a dungeon. Also, he has a big dog/puppy that might get very upset if I start hurting daddy. I also phone his landline and leave messages on his answering machine. He passed my test, and I trust that he's divorced. If you have any doubt, mark him under his clothing or the clothing itself. While he is tied up, apply some lipstick and kiss the back of his undershirt or hips area of underwear and don't tell him...or tell him you're going to write on his butt or shoulders your name with an indeliable marker and that those are your targets like a bullseye when you beat on him some. If he says heck no, he probably has a girlfriend or wife he's cheating on. If a man has one of these, a primitive part of my brain that has nothing to do with morals or religious beliefs sees him as...already owned, and that I would be tresspassing on some other woman's territory. When I tell married men that even to bottom for me, I would have to meet their wife face to face, have her agree to the limits, and give me her permission...they run! 
As for the rest...
Just be yourself. Feel free to make tiny, insignificant demands like pausing before doors to see if he opens them for you, if a shoelace comes untied, will he mind tying it for you...nothing overt. Just see if you like him, like the person he is, share vanilla things in common, and...see if you would want him to serve you in any way. Wanting to take control of a man in some way is something that starts growing inside of me when I'm in his presence in some way. If I can't enjoy it when a man to opens a door for me, or if he just stares and waits for me to pick up something I dropped, I won't want him "offering his services." I need to see that he is a giver, and enjoys doing these things for me, and not that service or submission is a payment he must make to get his kink needs met.
In the past, I have taken a sub as mine before topping him for the first time, but these were people I exchanged letters with or spent hours daily in chat with and I felt I knew them and also felt a gentle power exchange humming along. Asking to be mine came up after I already knew they had given themselves tome. This was without cybering or rituals or anything. Now that I'm back, it's different with the one I am considering. We have scened but he's not quite mine yet...as I want more than his physical submission, I want his emotional submission too. I'll just take what belongs to me when the time comes, and collar him. He will have to fully understand what collaring will signify for us, as it means different things for different people. I prefer establishing an invisible emotional collar first.
Each of us have our own ways to do things, and you will have to find out what's right for you...if you prefer to be formal about someone asking to be yours before you boss them around. With bottoms, yes I expect to be asked first. Then we discuss the second meetup where I usually scene with them.
If you want a sub, focus on vanilla things and get to know as much as you can about everything important to him, sad things, what makes him angry or upset, his dreams... Read every word in his profile, click the complete profile button and read every journal entry he's ever made, look over his lists and think about them. What I do next is click the button in his complete profile that gives me access to all of his message boards postings, and yes, I read every last one to get to know him better. This is just me though.
If he's a bottom to play with occasionally, focus on BDSM likes and dislikes. I prefer to do this over the internet, and then meet in a public place, when comfortable with this person I take it to a park or large parking lot, as it's nice to walk while talking and it keeps me more alert about vanillas overhearing. I would never discuss BDSM in a restaurant.
Learn about safe calls, and write down the name, address, and phone number of any place you will be meeting new people at. Leave your cell phone or Trak phone on to take calls. Listen to your instincts, and don't tell yourself that you are being paranoid. If something doesn't feel right, leave. Tell him that it was nice meeting him, if you want to be nice, but that your needs are not compatible. Either leave quickly while he's paying the bill, outstay him and watch him drive off, or phone your safecaller giving a code word...and they will know in advance to come to the restaurant under the pretext of having problems and needing to talk. Tell your date your're sorry, but your friend needs you right now and is coming.
I never drive directly home, but watch to make sure I'm not being followed by their vehicle. This is a first meetup with a stranger met over the internet, so please, nobody pop me on the head for being paranoid.
Next time I'm doubting myself and in top drop, which is just something I'm going to have to go through for a while while I am establishing this new relationship, I'm going to go to AAkasha's Web. AAkasha is one of the people here, and a link to her site is in her sig. It's a pay site, but there's an area to the right, if you use the slidey bar to shift the page enough to see it, that offers a free read called The Good Girl's Guide to Domination, or something like that. It helped me mentally/emotionally in the beginning and every now and then, I need to read it again to avoid burning out.
The easiest way to get men to submit is to get them talking about their fetishes so much that their eyes glaze over. The problem is...is he really who you want once you have him. I like to have a good idea beforehand of what I want from him.
The men will want you, don't worry about that. It's simply a matter of finding the right one or...ones.
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RE: How do I get a man to submit? - 
Okay, I should be getting points for being psychic or something. Yessss, he fell to sleep half way through my letter. I just got my fix and the top drop will stop. 
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