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Internet debris ;) - 9/17/2004 11:21:04 AM

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A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc....
After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs.

So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drives them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

'No,' she says, 'they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.'

RE: Internet debris ;) - 9/17/2004 11:22:03 AM

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An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a
story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

(in reply to dom_dotcom)

RE: Internet debris ;) - 9/17/2004 11:22:51 AM

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My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me... and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and
desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to
overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes
he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"Always keep your condoms in your car."

(in reply to dom_dotcom)

RE: Internet debris ;) - 9/17/2004 11:23:45 AM

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Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday. As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, 'Sure.'

About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman... they all laugh.

The guy says, 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like.' So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached.

Jack gets all excited and says, 'WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?' The hit man replies, 'Sure.' So Jack
looks and says, 'YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife. Wait, there's my next door neighbor! And he's naked too!'

This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, 'I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger.' Jack responds, '$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't
stand it.

Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for
screwing around with my wife.' The hit man agrees, gears up and looks
through the scope.

He's looking for about five minutes until finally Jack
starts to get really impatient and asks, 'What are you waiting for? The hitman replies, 'Relax..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!'

(in reply to dom_dotcom)

RE: Internet debris ;) - 9/17/2004 11:24:41 AM

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Saturday morning ...

Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

'Hello?', says a little girl's voice.

'Hi, honey, it's Daddy', says Bob. 'Is Mummy near the phone'?

'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank'.

After a brief pause, Bob says, 'But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!'

'Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!'

'Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do ... put down the phone, run
upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house'.

'Okay, Daddy'.

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. 'Well, I did what you said, Daddy!' '

And what happened?'

'Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead'.

'Oh, my God .... and what about Uncle Frank?'

'He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead, too'.

There is a long pause, then Bob says ...........'Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?!!!

(in reply to dom_dotcom)

RE: Internet debris ;) - 9/17/2004 11:25:31 AM

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Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's... Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."

(in reply to dom_dotcom)

RE: Internet debris ;) - 9/17/2004 11:26:15 AM

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Joined: 2/28/2004
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Unintentionally rude and goofy commentary from the Olympics:
************************************************************

Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

(in reply to dom_dotcom)

RE: Internet debris ;) - 9/17/2004 11:27:08 AM

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Joined: 2/28/2004
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A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK... The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. 'Good God, Dear,' he proclaims, 'I've just had the worst day of my entire life!' She responds, 'You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning.'

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RE: Internet debris ;) - 9/17/2004 11:27:55 AM

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Joined: 2/28/2004
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This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win an overseas holiday. Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ?

Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ?
Brian: Hmmmmm .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter:10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?
Brian: Ohhhh , I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian !
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.

Presenter:(and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?
Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.

Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle ?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway.. just tell em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ass !

*Radio Silence*

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RE: Internet debris ;) - 9/17/2004 11:29:01 AM

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A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread - on the very top shelf - he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please."

She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet.

Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'!!!"

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RE: Internet debris ;) - 9/17/2004 11:30:55 AM

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A group of men go up into the mountains to go bear hunting. The first morning out, the one man named Bill, goes out on his own. He comes to a clearing on a hill overlooking a field and sees a bear slowly strolling across the field. He gets the bear in his sites and fires. He then looks all around. But he can't find the bear.

All of a sudden, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around, and there's the bear. The bear knocks the gun out of his hands, and Bill stands there shaking in his boots.

The bear yells at him, saying he's sick and tired of being shot at and gives Bill an ultimadum. The bear tells him, that he can either drop to his knees and blow him, or the bear will eat his face.

Bill immediately drops to his knees and obliges the bear. The bear walks away contented and Bill find his way back to the cabin.

The next morning. Bill takes an even bigger gun with him, and goes to the same place he saw the bear before. And sure enough, there was the bear strolling across the field again. Bill gets all excited, as he gets the bear in his sites and he shoots! He looks all around, no bear.

All of a sudden he feels a tap on his shoulder again. He turns around, and, surprise, there's the bear. The bear looks at him, knocks the gun out of his hand, and says,''You know the routine.''

Bill drops to his knees and obliges the bear again. When he's done, the bear walks away smoking a cigarette and Bill stumbles back to his cabin.

The following day Bill is all pissed off now. He grabs the biggest gun he can find and heads to the same spot again. And sure enough, there is the bear strolling across the field again.

He gets the bear in his sites, and says to himself, ''Now this bear's gonna fuckin' get it!'' He pulls the trigger and, "Ka-BOOM!" He looks all over again, but no bear. Then, just as before, he feels the same tap at his shoulder.

He turns around, there's the bear standing there with a big smirk on his face. He looks down at Bill and says, ''You're not in this for the hunting are you?'''

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RE: Internet debris ;) - 9/17/2004 11:32:17 AM

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A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a thorn that was stuck in her hand. She asked her mom for a glass of cider.

"Why do you want cider?" asked Mom.

"To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl.

Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass.

The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.

"Owwww this still hurts! It doesn't work!" she yelled.

"What do you mean?" asked Mom.

"Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider!!"

(in reply to dom_dotcom)

RE: Internet debris ;) - 9/17/2004 11:33:10 AM

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A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you". "Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word, he strutted into the henhouse.

Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.

Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.

The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy".

"Shhhhh" Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

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RE: Internet debris ;) - 9/17/2004 11:34:50 AM

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A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor.

He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town.

He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat.

Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers and smears ice cream all over his face. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.

The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

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RE: Internet debris ;) - 9/17/2004 12:28:36 PM

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LOL some are oldies but goodies but they still make me laugh THANKS! Roe

_____________________________

Roe

People always ask me why I do these things . . .
It's because I can!

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RE: Internet debris ;) - 9/17/2004 12:36:04 PM

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Joined: 9/4/2004
From: long island, ny
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A man goes up to a store clerk and asks for some Poilish sausage. The clerk asks the man if he's Polish.

The customer is taken aback, replying, "If I asked for italian sausage, would you ask me if i was Italian, if I'd asked for French Fries, would you ask me if I was French? Why do you ask me if i'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Well this is Home Depot!"

(in reply to theroebabe)

RE: Internet debris ;) - 9/17/2004 3:46:43 PM

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Joined: 2/28/2004
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you're welcome roe! Look for more bad jokes in the days, weeks and years to come... and yes that is a threat AND a promise! lol

Be well...
~DDC

(in reply to theroebabe)

RE: Internet debris ;) - 9/17/2004 9:59:27 PM

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*giggles* all to cute.. thanks for the laugh

jenn

_____________________________

~Subspace is my perfect paradise vacation from busy-mind... blessed be to the Dominant who can stamp my ticket there.~

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"

(in reply to dom_dotcom)

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