RaceBannon
Posts: 61
Joined: 3/22/2006
Status: offline
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41 mistakes men make!!!! Courtesy of Ms Dawn
And responses courtesy of ALL red blooded American men out there....
1) Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
You mean it's not slapping my dick against her ear? Wow, you learn something every day!
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
AND "Never blow into the vagina," he writes. "This trick can cause air embolism and has caused sudden death."
3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
The same is true if you eat falaffel right before sex!
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
Yet not a single rule about puckering your mouth right between them puppies and going BBBBBBBBRRRRRRR!!!!
5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a dogie toy isn't.
Is pretending they are anti-aircraft guns with sound effects off-limits too?
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
No wonder I've found reception so poor on my lovers nipples, "Come in Toyko!"
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
Exactly! Men always pass up that toenail and ear hair foreplay.
GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
Plus it's a real bitch having to walking so close behind her with a hand trapped so while she heads to the bathroom.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
So you're saying I SHOULDN'T fling it on to the wall so it sticks like well done spagetti???
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
I guess the "don't use it like a doggie chew toy" applies here as well?
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
Uh...excuse me. Aren't we forgetting something? What if Sportscenter is on? I say back to "square one" we go until after we've checked the scores.
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
Unless she shows up in shrink wrap then just rip into her garb like Christmas morning!
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
I always assumed this was how the "thong" was invented...
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
VAGINA! VAGINA! LONG LIVE VAGINA! OH HOLY VAGINA! HALLOWED BE THY NAME! THY KINGDOM COME...would this be considered "obsession?"
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
Aren't we forgetting our beloved sisters with elbow and knee fetishes?
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.
My lover is a quadriplegic, if I waited for her to make the first move, we'd be there AAAAAALLL night!
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks fist.
No a man wearing a thong and clogs is at his worst; it's all up hill from there!
18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
Please disregard if you are the unfortunate owner of a "curved" penis.
19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
Yes but what you can save on equestrian lessons makes up for the pain.
20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
Define "too soon:" One minute, two minutes, two and a half minutes, or "ARE YOU KIDDING ME???"
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
Since I've never made it past two and a half minutes this doesn't apply, but thank you for all your optimism.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.
Um...this I guess is for men who care if the woman cums. Again, does not apply to men like me.
23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
You mean I'm supposed to PUT MY MOUTH down there??? EEEwwww!!!
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
Again, you are forgetting many a woman on this site WANT to be dragged by their hair into a cave...
25) NOT SHAVING PT.2
Men seem to like women to be shaved down below. That's fine. But women like that too. That doesn't mean you have to shave it bare (although, that would be nice), but at least keep it neat and trimmed. There's nothing that turns a girl off more than looking at a penis sticking out of a forest.
Yes, but many of us males feel if we shave it all off that we tend to lose our sexual drive and merely wish to spend some quality time with our Play-Doh.
26) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.
Unless you're visiting the Polish sperm bank where the helpful nurses gargles, "Where do I put this?"
27) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie
there. And don't grab her head.
No! Heaven forbid you should NEVER grab her head; whaddya think a woman's EARS are there for if not well-placed handles!
28) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.
Yes but only if they roll around in the sheet afterwards. NOTE TO WOMEN: When covered with cum DON'T MOVE!
29) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
Exactly! She needs all that rest for the cock sucking she'll need to do later.
30) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.
Being drunk is NEVER an excuse. Being hopped up on crack is always the wiser lie.
31) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
But NEVER give her the negatives; you're buddies need you to keep those emails coming!
32) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
Well...Again there are probably many on this sight that might disagree with the no-no on candlewax...as well as urine, feces, and branding irons.
33) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
I'll assume you consider slapping my beer gut and scratching is also off-limits?
34) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
Snapped hammies? Mmmmmmm...that way she could never close her legs. You're a genius, THANK YOU!
35) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.
Yes, women hate anal and we're at war with Iraq because of WMDs. All correct!
36) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
Obviously you've never played "Beauty and the Beast."
37) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
I wonder if Kmart will take a return on this megaphone; I got a great deal on it.
38) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.
Fuck dat sheeeeet!
39) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
Wait a second...WOMEN CAN CUM???
40) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
Yeah, but if I don't lie on her how do I keep her from running out of the room???
41) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.
My bedroom actually is a soup kitchen. We have sex to entertain the vagrants.
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RE: 41 Mistakes Men Make! - 
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