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RE: What Happens When a slave Becomes Free? - 10/9/2010 6:14:16 PM

debraV

Posts: 28
Joined: 5/25/2008
From: North Carolina
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Greetings,

This is an update on the OP..It has been a week now since He went into the hospital for the surgery, He will be there for another week and then we shall see where it goes from there.

All is well so far, there have been many things debra has had to do that she is not used to doing...everything from as simple as going out every day to actually handling major financial decisions (thankfully only 2 or 3 of those so far). It is looking good but oh so scary a future, still not quite sure how to handle things...but will have to plow through it and learn in the process. This is very difficult for a woman who has never learned not to be dependent on another person. Shrugs, that is the definition (in part) of a slave "one who is dependent", also, "one who follows another person's direction". Reliant seems a good word too. It is very confusing when one cannot "depend/rely/fall back on" on that "direction" for whatever reason.

At any rate, I am still following directions right now and also having to make decisions on my own, so even though betwixt and between..it is working.

Thanks again for all the advice.

Well Wishes.

debra

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RE: What Happens When a slave Becomes Free? - 10/9/2010 7:05:05 PM

eponavet

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Hi debra,

I hope the surgery went well and i'm glad things are "working". It sounds like a very daunting time - i wish you and your Master the best.

~ epona

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RE: What Happens When a slave Becomes Free? - 10/18/2010 4:21:41 PM

nephandi

Posts: 3930
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
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Greetings

I have been in your situation. I was the slave of Aswad here on the forum, and then he freed me to be his free companion. I however had not been a slave as long as you so I expect my transition might have been more easy. For me I did not have much of a problem with how to function in everyday life. Aswas has never been one to micromanage so even as a slave I still did have to make allot of choices. For me the problem was how to relate to people, I had to behave with a new dignity sort of, I am the free companion of a great free man.

When I was a slave if I behaved bad I would make him look bad but he then could tell me how he wanted me to behave. Now as a free women I am even more responsible to behave in a way befitting his companion, but I have to take the whole responsibility for that behavior myself. I have to relearn my patterns of behavior and that is hard.

The hardest thing however is that I still feel like a slave inside. I want to kneel and serve him, I want to be his slave but I have to be his companion for that is what he wish. I feel rather confused when I feel like a slave but I can not act on those feelings. However I am also very thankful that Aswad love me so much he want me to walk beside him instead of being at his feet. There is allot of conflicting emotions. However I am working my way through them and I am sure so will you,

I wish you well.

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RE: What Happens When a slave Becomes Free? - 10/18/2010 4:29:59 PM

SorceressJ

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Greetings debra; please know that your Master and you are in my thoughts. Cancer is a sonuvabitch. Please keep us posted as you are able to do so, and peace be with you.

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RE: What Happens When a slave Becomes Free? - 11/12/2010 6:06:34 AM

debraV

Posts: 28
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From: North Carolina
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Greetings,

An update: We are now 6 weeks into recovery. The surgery had its scary points, Master is 61 years old and it took 4 days to get Him awake after the surgery. He spent 2 weeks in the hospital and after coming home there was still a lot of nurses and such coming to the home. But now we are working on our own and He has even started driving a little again...a big help for debra since she is partially disabled and unable to drive herself. Thankfully she has had friends and family willing to help her take care of the day to day needs.

So, back to the original post of the fears when a slave has to take on the duties of what is normally the territory of a Free. debra has been able to handle those duties without any failures, actually she has been competent, but she surely does not like the unusual position she is in right now. When one has been a slave for 35 years, it is very difficult to move outside that box/mindset and she is having a very hard time moving forward.

There have been several things she has had to accomplish on her own, and she is sorta proud she was able to do them. However, she still feels in the wrong skin, out of her element, if that makes sense. Perhaps as things progress, things will get better for her

The worst thing is, is that she misses being a slave, that's what she has always been. The Mastery is not there right now...and without the Master, there is no slave. But how does the slave disappear when the Master becomes infirm? The only thing left is self-mastery...which is not a bad thing...but self-mastery is "Free"..the slave still functions as an extension of Him..doing what she thinks He would want done. But, debra feels lost and alone and she never wanted to be Free. she just prays things will return to normal one day...and yes, there is a normal for her. she know her capabilities but she still resorts back to her slavery. Maybe too, she will learn a new normality.

Presenting oneself as Free and actually feeling Free on the inside are two totally different things, something that to her feels somewhat like lying. It is a very precarious and uncomfortable and frightening position to be in, because she cannot get away from being a slave in her own mind, she knows no other way. Perhaps only time can re-train what she feels as instinctual.

Sorry for the long post, but she thought all those thoughtful enough to respond to the original thread deserved an update and explanation.

well wishes to all,

debra

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RE: What Happens When a slave Becomes Free? - 11/14/2010 11:30:13 PM

SAMHAIN09

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I assume that the slave goes back to a normal life until finding a new Master or Mistress.

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RE: What Happens When a slave Becomes Free? - 11/15/2010 12:56:39 AM

Elisabella

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This thread makes me sad.

Debra - my grandmother got her first drivers licence in her early 60's, after my grandfather passed. She'd never driven, she was a housewife, when she needed to go shopping, he would drive her. She got married right out of high school, so that was over 40 years of her life living one way, that was suddenly gone, and she had to learn to adjust.

The biggest thing I'd suggest is to focus on the future, not the past. Lamenting the loss of how things were isn't going to help. And for the love of God, talk to your master about this. You two are married, you've been together for decades, do you think he wants his legacy to be that he's left you emotionally crippled and socially stunted?

You need to learn life skills. Who better to teach you this than him? You shouldn't have to do this on your own, he can encourage you to be the one to make decisions, to put together a budget, to decide how to organize your time, and he can give you the feedback you need.

Losing a life partner will never be easy, but if you two work as a team to help put you into a "free" state of mind, you'll be able to enjoy your time together without this fear nagging at the back of your mind.

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RE: What Happens When a slave Becomes Free? - 11/15/2010 6:55:25 AM

Louve00

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Well stated, Elisabella. This thread too, has been making me feel sad. I understand the dynamic of a slave and her Master (or try to). But I can only hope if a slave finds herself in the position of Debra, they take your advice. Life without a master is relentless and challenging as it is...and will not stop just because you're afraid of it or don't know what to do.

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RE: What Happens When a slave Becomes Free? - 11/15/2010 1:52:51 PM

Bear0fAr

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It occurs to me that simply because one no longer wears steel around one's neck at any given time, it does not mean that one cannot continue to serve. There are changes in circumstance, to be sure, but it its core at is exactly the same.

< Message edited by Bear0fAr -- 11/15/2010 2:17:07 PM >

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RE: What Happens When a slave Becomes Free? - 11/15/2010 2:09:29 PM

debraV

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Greetings sabba,

Thank you for your sentiments about not derailing the original thread and thank you also for continuing it. It is hoped that both threads are continued because both might help others as well.

Identity upheaval!!..oh boy, that is a big term...one so hard to grapple with. Yet, life sometimes leaves us no choice. Actually, life does leave us a choice,,,deal with it or not...debra will choose to deal with it. Perhaps, not as a young person..no, she will not move on to the next Master....but even as a slave, debra has experience and wisdom, she is not totally incapable.

There are many transitions though life (remember puberty?) and even in the so call "golden years" there are transitions. Those years are just as hard in their own way.

Such is life...but back to the way a slave must deal with it?....Well, her Master is not the kind that would sit down and "discuss" these things as Elisabella might put it...He's more the type that says..."You do this and that"....but at any rate debra has her lists of things to do and she is accomplishing them...our life is a bit more complicated than most...she might end up hiring manager for some things...but at least she is aware of the need. Day to day things have gone on without a hitch so far.

Now, as to the fears?..yes there are many. A slave for over 3 decades?..Yes, fearful, but not weak. If she learned anything ..it is how to serve!!...granted she might crumble for a little while, but she will recover because that's what she has always done...that's what she knows how to do. That is a very good skill to have.

As far as surrendering again...well...that is doubtful...if debra were in good health and useful again, maybe yes....but debra has well past middle age and is paritally disabled..so in mind, yes..in body, probably not. she would love to but she does not foresee that.

Oddly enough, one thing she is thankful for is her age. saaba alluded to and debra has seen, "girls do it all the time"...debra is thankful for that this will be her one and only time to do this and she thinks she did it well. It is hard but it is doable.

Once again, debra wishes to thank you for the continuing discussion. There might be many who benefit from this.

wishing all well,

debra

P.S. double post to 2 threads pertaining to the same topic

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RE: What Happens When a slave Becomes Free? - 11/15/2010 2:40:26 PM

immoral

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you dont need me to tell you about how awful/sad/sorry/confusing/unsead/overwhelmed you feel...or for me a stranger to be sympathetic , i was released some time back, i personally have times when i still wish i hadnt been.
if i could say something... try to treat yourself like you would your own child...... you in some ways just got born again..... cut yourself some slack and love yourself. sometimes youll feel you did well.....sometimes youll let yourself down without the framework we use to define ourselves its sometimes hard to gain an objective view of things when the internal yardstick you use isnt relevant . also if youll let me x

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5NAPZp2w-o

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RE: What Happens When a slave Becomes Free? - 11/15/2010 3:09:55 PM

debraV

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Greetings immoral,

In response to those who speak of "release"

debra is not being released,,she would not even consider it release by death. Her Master might die but that is not release, that is simply a separation for a time. In the meantime, she will survive the best of her capabilities.

When she mentions being "Free"...what she means is being alone and having to be alone and Free. Making judgments and decisions on her own.

Many times she has heard the Free say that they are Free because they fight for that right. In debra's case that is not the same. Sometimes people are Free because they just get stuck in that position.

Don't know what else to say...looking for a response.

well wishes,

debra

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RE: What Happens When a slave Becomes Free? - 11/30/2010 11:57:34 AM

BabieGothika

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Very interestin. I agree with u.

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RE: What Happens When a slave Becomes Free? - 11/30/2010 12:18:31 PM

BabieGothika

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Start lovin yourself, honey.
Right now; im in a similar position because my Master is very sick and i have to take desicions for my own now after 7 years together.
It has been so hard for me, He is my whole World, i love Him very much and im lost without Him. He is living in a "Nursin Home " right now and He dont wants to see me there, He is in a wheelchair and i feel so desperate and lonely and devasteded but i have to push myself everyday to go to work and do things and breath without Him, its hard..

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