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Guidelines, Boundaries?? - 10/14/2010 4:54:37 PM

xXsoumisXx

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Hello everyone;

I am having discussions with a few people about this and i get different answers from everyone i ask. I have read a couple of books on poly as well, but i have a few questions for those living it, or have lived it...

1. Is it considered necessary to have boundaries and/or agreements between those involved with each other? Especially between primary partners? I know there must be some kind of agreements about safety, especially if sex is involved, but what other kinds of agreements are you familiar with?

2. For the Dominants out there.. do You consider it acceptable for a primary partner to ask for agreements and or boundaries regarding Your behavior with others? Or do You consider this to be "topping from the bottom"?

Thanks!

~soumis

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RE: Guidelines, Boundaries?? - 10/14/2010 5:56:25 PM

Ait

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1. Yes. In Absolutely every situation I have heard of or been involved in there have been boundaries. Sometimes they move but they're always there. Agreements with primaries are important... but neither of my relationships involved traditional primary/secondary status. Usually this involves how involved your partner is in mate selection, what they want to know and what they don't, possibly who you can date, and in some cases rules to make sure that your already established relationship doesn't suffer.

For instance, my owner prefers that he be my only male partner. That might change and he's certainly been open to discussing finding play partners or both genders. If I'm interested in someone I let him know, I expect him to do the same --- even if he is the Dominant, I have the right to know when he's considering someone else. He also requires that I be actively involved in finding a sister because he wants me to get along with her, it's something that tops the list of his preferred qualities, and he'd very much like it if we both got attached to the same person.

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RE: Guidelines, Boundaries?? - 10/14/2010 7:01:07 PM

AdamTaylor

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quote:

1. Is it considered necessary to have boundaries and/or agreements between those involved with each other? Especially between primary partners? I know there must be some kind of agreements about safety, especially if sex is involved, but what other kinds of agreements are you familiar with?

Most definitely. A poly relationship is all about trust, honesty, respect and communication.
Boundaries definitely need to be discussed before anything proceeds. Everyone involved has to know exactly what the rules are, what the limits are, what's acceptable and what isn't. Otherwise, it's doomed to failure.

quote:

2. For the Dominants out there.. do You consider it acceptable for a primary partner to ask for agreements and or boundaries regarding Your behavior with others? Or do You consider this to be "topping from the bottom"?

It's perfectly acceptable, and expected. If my partner can't speak up about things, there will be trouble down the road. It's not topping from the bottom, it's called being a part of the relationship.

As it stands for my prey and I... I am free to seek others for sex and play on the side. And she even goes out seeking girls to send my way, which I adore her for.
Naturally, protection is used, as is my head. I am careful about who I'm with and what we do.
My prey always knows who I'm with, though she doesn't want to know the details of what we do.

But what we most want, is a special woman who can join us in a lasting and committed relationship. Someone who will serve me alongside my prey. And who would be open to sex and play with her.

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RE: Guidelines, Boundaries?? - 10/14/2010 8:29:13 PM

Kaliko

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AdamTaylor

quote:

1. Is it considered necessary to have boundaries and/or agreements between those involved with each other? Especially between primary partners? I know there must be some kind of agreements about safety, especially if sex is involved, but what other kinds of agreements are you familiar with?

Most definitely. A poly relationship is all about trust, honesty, respect and communication.
Boundaries definitely need to be discussed before anything proceeds. Everyone involved has to know exactly what the rules are, what the limits are, what's acceptable and what isn't. Otherwise, it's doomed to failure.

quote:

2. For the Dominants out there.. do You consider it acceptable for a primary partner to ask for agreements and or boundaries regarding Your behavior with others? Or do You consider this to be "topping from the bottom"?

It's perfectly acceptable, and expected. If my partner can't speak up about things, there will be trouble down the road. It's not topping from the bottom, it's called being a part of the relationship.

As it stands for my prey and I... I am free to seek others for sex and play on the side. And she even goes out seeking girls to send my way, which I adore her for.
Naturally, protection is used, as is my head. I am careful about who I'm with and what we do.
My prey always knows who I'm with, though she doesn't want to know the details of what we do.

But what we most want, is a special woman who can join us in a lasting and committed relationship. Someone who will serve me alongside my prey. And who would be open to sex and play with her.

This is my relationship exactly with my Sir. We've only just started (as I announced previously on these boards) to explore poly a little tiny bit, but yes, there are absolutely boundaries that he and I agree on and they are often centered around my (the sub's) comfort level - because we are in a relationship and talk about these things up front before we damage what we have.

I got quite a nasty email from someone who was "disgusted" with me as a submissive because I was placing limits on what my Dominant could do. It is indeed acceptable because that is how we choose it to be. I wouldn't be with anyone who didn't take my concerns into careful consideration, especially when starting down such a new and unchartered path for both of us.

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RE: Guidelines, Boundaries?? - 10/15/2010 7:44:49 AM

KnightofMists

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quote:

1. Is it considered necessary to have boundaries and/or agreements between those involved with each other? Especially between primary partners? I know there must be some kind of agreements about safety, especially if sex is involved, but what other kinds of agreements are you familiar with?

Agreements ..No it is not necessary in a universal sense.... but it maybe necessary in specific relationships. Our relationship as no agreements and is not neccessary.... as we are all primary partners in this poly relationship.

Now boundaries are another thing. Every person in my opinion has to have boundaries that protect their well-being. These are things that are not just I want stuff or even I think I need stuff.... These things are rather basic to... We also have boundaries for the relationship itself. These are things that We need for the relationship to be successful.... One of the top things for us is Integrity between us a lack of integrity is a death nail to our relationship.

quote:

2. For the Dominants out there.. do You consider it acceptable for a primary partner to ask for agreements and or boundaries regarding Your behavior with others? Or do You consider this to be "topping from the bottom"?

Thanks!

~soumis

They can ask for whatever they want.... but that doesn't mean they will get what they want! I have no problem saying NO. For the most part, agreements or boundaries with regards to my behaviors will and is a big NO. But I will listen to their thoughts and feelings on the issue. They may provide something for me to consider that could cause me to modify my behaviors to some degree or another.

Just a thought... I find those D types that throw out "topping from the bottom" accusations to be rather weak in general. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong when a S type providing thoughts and feelings on an issue in a constructive manner. However, just like I believe a D-type should have the strength to listen to what they might not like hearing.... the S-type needs to accept the decision from the D-type with grace.

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RE: Guidelines, Boundaries?? - 10/15/2010 8:00:56 AM

Steelslilbit

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I like this answer a lot, and I think it goes a long way on answering the OP. Every relationship is different because the people in it are different. Expectations are different, and their limits and experiences are different. One thing I've come to find out on these boards is that no matter what question you ask.... you are bound to get varying answers (part of which is due to the smart asses on here, you could post a mathematical equation and someone is going to give you the "1+1= 11" argument. ^.^)

From a personal standpoint, when I was collared in a poly household we had both boundaries and agreements. In fact as His collared submissives, we agreed to sign (non legally binding) contracts that held semi-detailed definitions of the relationship. It meant we all started out on the same page from the get go and didn't have to worry so much about someone misunderstanding their role in the household. To an extent, one could see them both as the same thing, you can't really have a "boundary" if the other person isn't willing to agree it's a boundary (even if they will only agree to only push it so far, gotta love soft limits).

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RE: Guidelines, Boundaries?? - 10/15/2010 9:12:49 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 20705
Joined: 2/21/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: xXsoumisXx

Hello everyone;

I am having discussions with a few people about this and i get different answers from everyone i ask. I have read a couple of books on poly as well, but i have a few questions for those living it, or have lived it...

1. Is it considered necessary to have boundaries and/or agreements between those involved with each other? Especially between primary partners? I know there must be some kind of agreements about safety, especially if sex is involved, but what other kinds of agreements are you familiar with?

2. For the Dominants out there.. do You consider it acceptable for a primary partner to ask for agreements and or boundaries regarding Your behavior with others? Or do You consider this to be "topping from the bottom"?

Thanks!

~soumis

Some time back, I wrote a rather long post about our transition to poly. At the time, we were brand new to it, so it only made sense to us that there would be boundaries and guidelines. What was ok to us, what wasn't ok, and things we weren't sure how we would feel about it. Some of those agreements are still in place from when we first started. Others, we found that we didn't need. We still don't engage in casual sex or fluid bonding of any type unless someone is a part of the family. We still have veto power in place if someone isn't acceptable or causes problems in our primary relationship.

Our primary relationship is not an authority dynamic, so it's not a topping from the bottom case for us.

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RE: Guidelines, Boundaries?? - 10/15/2010 10:53:15 AM

LadyNTrainer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: xXsoumisXx
1. Is it considered necessary to have boundaries and/or agreements between those involved with each other? Especially between primary partners? I know there must be some kind of agreements about safety, especially if sex is involved, but what other kinds of agreements are you familiar with?

Safety agreements are pretty standard for the obvious reasons. Beyond that it varies depending on the individuals and their relationship, and it can change and evolve over time in either direction.

quote:

2. For the Dominants out there.. do You consider it acceptable for a primary partner to ask for agreements and or boundaries regarding Your behavior with others? Or do You consider this to be "topping from the bottom"?

Submissives are human first and foremost. In my experience replacing the standard poly practice of going as slow as the least comfortable partner is okay with and checking in frequently with "I are teh dominate so I do what I want" has a tendency to result in a lot of hurt human feelings. Theoretically I suppose if that's the kind of pain you want to inflict on your submissive, and it's in the bounds of a consensual relationship, go for it....but don't be surprised if it results in a miserable, hurting (and not in the fun way) and fundamentally unhappy submissive. Sometimes it results in your not having a submissive at all, because not everyone can deal with emotional pain that results when you rush into a new relationship too fast without taking a lot of care for the old one, or handle it with a lack of consideration for anyone's human feelings.

There are no single right answers. I will say that when my submissive partners ask for something that they honestly need emotionally, I absolutely do listen to them carefully and give them every consideration and respect for their needs. Not their whims, their actual fundamental needs. We do a lot of honest communicating and checking in, and I did allow my primary partner to set boundaries initially for how far he was comfortable with my going with the person who ended up becoming our secondary partner. Not from an authority stance of "I will not allow this", but I asked about his feelings and what would keep him the most comfortable and okay with the evolution of the relationship. I indicated that I was not willing to do anything that would genuinely hurt him or make him feel really emotionally uncomfortable, and I encouraged him to be specific about where his comfort levels and boundaries were. Then we took it slow from there, with regular check-ins to see where he felt his boundaries had shifted to.

During this, I took extra care to make sure that he felt cared for and that he was not being abandoned or deprived of my time, energy or feelings for him. I think that doing it this way was crucial to our evolving a happy and drama-free "V" trio where both my boys are very friendly and positive towards one another. Your mileage may vary.

< Message edited by LadyNTrainer -- 10/15/2010 10:54:56 AM >

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RE: Guidelines, Boundaries?? - 10/16/2010 10:09:42 PM

xXsoumisXx

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Thank you everyone!
These replies are exactly what i was looking for, coming from real life experiences.

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RE: Guidelines, Boundaries?? - 10/29/2010 8:12:25 AM

RavenMuse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: xXsoumisXx

1. Is it considered necessary to have boundaries and/or agreements between those involved with each other? Especially between primary partners? I know there must be some kind of agreements about safety, especially if sex is involved, but what other kinds of agreements are you familiar with?

2. For the Dominants out there.. do You consider it acceptable for a primary partner to ask for agreements and or boundaries regarding Your behavior with others? Or do You consider this to be "topping from the bottom"?

1. Slightly different in this case, of course there are going to be boundaries... This isn't just a Poly household, it is an M/s Poly household. She needs permission every step of the way (and when her OSO came along the amount of Authority I delegated to Him during 'their' time grew as My trust in Him and in the fact My property was being handled with care and respect). Where as I don't need permission but I choose to (And consequently she is now used to) keep her informed of most things. Fluid bonding is primary level only (So if I took another slave, she would after a while be fluid bonded... if I took on a sub or playpartner, then as I require her to do with others I'd be using condoms)

2. My girl wouldn't ask Me to change what I was doing... if she has a problem she brings that problem to Me. I will see how best to remedy that problem. IF in My opinion that problem would be helped by a change in My behaviour then I MAY consider doing so, or I might just help her accept whatever the situation is.

Plus she is Mine and I usually know her opinions on most things at least in theory before they are likely to come up for real and I do take that opinion into consideration, just like I take into account any other relevant info... but it is My decision to make and whether she agrees or not, she obeys.

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