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Is This Normal, Poly Behavior?


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Is This Normal, Poly Behavior? - 12/22/2010 1:15:44 AM   
AlluringArtist


Posts: 11
Joined: 11/3/2010
Status: offline 		I've very little experience with poly (this being it lol). I became interested about a year ago when I met an amazing man online, fell for him and established a relationship with both he and his wife online. I made a commitment to be monogamous to him myself, with the understanding that he wouldn't be. It was my way of easing myself into the concept of poly. Monogamy was something I was familiar with and could handle mentally and emotionally... and I felt that I should concentrate on becoming comfortable before anything else was added to the mix.

While my relationship was primarily with the husband, I did spend a good amount of time with his wife. I think she was the reason I was able to become so comfortable with it all. She gave me so much reassurance and often spoke of her own experiences when she first became involved in a poly relationship with him.

Things progressed well and I eventually in a sense dissolved my vow of monogamy and sought out other partners of my own, while continuing my relationship primarily with the husband. The wife and I also continued to be good friends. All was well - I thought. And then I recently witnessed the couple asking another woman to become apart of their family - including later learning of their plans to move her in with them.

I don't feel that I have any grounds for jealousy, but I can't help but feel a little hurt because I knew nothing about this woman being romantically involved with the couple. Sure, I knew her... even befriended her. But knew nothing else. In fact, I recently found that she was in a relationship with the husband prior to my meeting him and has been involved with him the whole time (including during the time in which I vowed to be monogamous to him). She knew all about me and the type of relationship I was involved in with him.

Is this normal behavior? I thought especially in a poly situation that there we a certain level of transparency and honesty. I feel rather betrayed in this case. Again, I'm still so new to this - it's my first and only experience with poly, but I imagined it to be this beautiful concept and now based on this experience, it just seems like a way for a guy to screw around with an excuse. :(
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RE: Is This Normal, Poly Behavior? - 12/22/2010 1:25:03 AM   
YoungBlondeSlave


Posts: 953
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quote:

If you are married or have multiple submissives already, please close my page now. Thank you.


This seems to contradict the fact that you are involved with a married couple, monogamous with the man and yet he is looking to add more submissives.

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RE: Is This Normal, Poly Behavior? - 12/22/2010 1:38:29 AM   
AlluringArtist


Posts: 11
Joined: 11/3/2010
Status: offline 		That's because I am not looking for a poly relationship at this time. I am no longer involved romantically with the couple from the story. I ended my romantic involvement based on the events of the story. My concern lies in him having been involved with someone else romantically during our involvement without my knowledge, and wondering if this sort of thing is normal for a poly relationship.

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RE: Is This Normal, Poly Behavior? - 12/22/2010 1:56:11 AM   
YoungBlondeSlave


Posts: 953
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Status: offline 		Ahhh, that's what i was thinking but didn't have the mental capacity to phrase it correctly.

Sometimes, i think so. my experiences have been that poly Doms see it as a free pass to be involved with as many as they feel they can be with. Their thinking being "well, she knows i'm poly so i don't know why she should be surprised that i'm talking to another girl." A lot of them don't understand the need to develop a very strong bond with the primary before trying to find another.

Those who can do it well and make it work, have my utmost respect. But that guy seems like a tool and gives everyone else in poly lifestyles a bad name.

Before *i* get bashed by those in poly families i want it to be known that i'm speaking in regards to my experiences only and i'm in no way criticizing anyone who is able to make it work and do it in a healthy manner.

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RE: Is This Normal, Poly Behavior? - 12/22/2010 2:25:48 AM   
AlluringArtist


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Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: YoungBlondeSlave

Their thinking being "well, she knows i'm poly so i don't know why she should be surprised that i'm talking to another girl."


This is almost the exact wording he used with me when I confessed that I was bothered by all of this. This sort of experience makes me think that perhaps poly isn't for me after all. I was fine and I enjoyed the experience as it was happening, but only because I thought we were all being honest and open about everything. :(

I will say that I knew he was flirting, chatting up other women and that came as no surprise. But that he was dating and had some sort of formal commitment with someone else without telling me (and especially while telling her lol) is what really hurt.

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RE: Is This Normal, Poly Behavior? - 12/22/2010 4:57:03 AM   
onlyfreelycaged


Posts: 242
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		I think it's a guy thing.

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RE: Is This Normal, Poly Behavior? - 12/22/2010 7:50:55 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 20705
Joined: 2/21/2007
Status: online 		Not to be critical, but sometimes, that's exactly how it works. 

I don't mean any offense to you.  There certainly is a point that everybody should be made aware that another person is actually joining the household.  How soon some folks decide to do that varies, I'm sure.  As for Myself, I tend to be a talkative type, so the other people in My life tend to know if someone is becoming serious.  Others might want to wait until they are certain that someone is joining the household before getting everyone's hopes up.

It's actually a good question that you have here.  Exactly when do folks start telling the other members of the family that someone new is coming?  It will be interesting to see some of the answers.


_____________________________

"Come to the edge, She said.
He said that he was afraid.
Come to the edge, She said.
He came. She pushed him,
And he flew . . ."


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RE: Is This Normal, Poly Behavior? - 12/22/2010 8:05:45 AM   
LaTigresse


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Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Using fr

My brain isn't functioning on all cylinders so my wording might be awkward but here goes...

I don't discuss relationships with other people I have relationships with, until I have a good reason to. Basically, until it will possibly affect others directly. Unlike Lady Pact, I am not particularly talkative. I can honestly say that there is no one person in this world that knows me 100%, every thought in my head, every activity I've ever done. I am, and have always been, a very reserved person.

I am reminded of a family member I've known for over 20 years telling me not long ago "LeeAnn I don't feel like I know you at all." That is probably the norm, even with most of my siblings.

For me, the situation described would not be that unrealistic. Depending upon the types of relationships, I may not see any need to discuss one with another.


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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Is This Normal, Poly Behavior? - 12/22/2010 8:26:52 AM   
AlluringArtist


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Joined: 11/3/2010
Status: offline 		I'd never lived with the couple, and neither does this other woman (yet). I personally feel that due to the nature of our relationship which was all established online, that I should have been informed. I particularly feel this way because she and I often interacted and she knew all about me but not vice versa. I find that kind of strange. I guess there could be a logical explanation of him having known her longer, but then again... shouldn't I have been made aware of what I was getting myself into?


Now.. he did apologize after for not being as forthcoming as he probably should have. That was a positive spin on things. But in my mind, in order for a poly relationship to work, there would need to be much more transparency and honesty. I see the point some of you are making - that why would be need to give specifics if I had accepted that he was poly. But I just can't help but feel like things should have been more out in the open. I don't know that I could trust someone if they couldn't be - so again... maybe poly isn't for me or maybe it is with well established rules.

There seems to be so many very complicated angles.

< Message edited by AlluringArtist -- 12/22/2010 8:28:06 AM >

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RE: Is This Normal, Poly Behavior? - 12/22/2010 8:42:06 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 23773
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		All I can really say to that is this.

Based upon my life experience, the biggest problems with ALL types of relationships is poor communication combined with wrong expectations. Wrong, because they are assumed rather than discussed.

Apparently he assumed you were okay with how he was handling it and you assumed complete transparency was something he would offer. Based upon what you've written, neither was discussed, just assumed. In that light, all parties are at fault. Hopefully everyone has learned from this and will be more communicative as to what they are offering and what they expect in the future.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Is This Normal, Poly Behavior? - 12/22/2010 10:08:28 AM   
YoungBlondeSlave


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_____________________________

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. Bill Cosby

Intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings. Salvador Dali


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RE: Is This Normal, Poly Behavior? - 12/22/2010 11:19:02 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AlluringArtist

Is this normal behavior? I thought especially in a poly situation that there we a certain level of transparency and honesty. I feel rather betrayed in this case. Again, I'm still so new to this - it's my first and only experience with poly, but I imagined it to be this beautiful concept and now based on this experience, it just seems like a way for a guy to screw around with an excuse. :(


I'd say no. I don't know why you weren't told about the woman, particularly when it seems like she was told about you. While there may be more to the story - we don't have their side after all - my call is bad form. Very bad form.

ETA - After reading through, and in particular the post from LP, I still have to say bad form. LP is right that sometimes this is exactly how it's done. However, it is my humble opinion that it should have been made very clear to you from the beginning if you were going to be told about other partners or not. I do not understand why the woman being moved in had all the details and the other kept in the dark.

It's good that he apologized and I agree with LT - bad communication. Which qualifies as poor form to me when discussing poly dynamics.


< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 12/22/2010 11:22:37 AM >

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RE: Is This Normal, Poly Behavior? - 12/22/2010 12:45:33 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 6903
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		~FR~
 
Q. Is this how poly is done? 
A. Yes, for some people.
 
It's called "open poly" and, in a nutshell, it means the people involved don't necessarily discuss partners with other partners other than to say "hey, I'm poly so you're not going to be my one and only, just fyi."  If there's any discussion of other relationships, it's minimal and may consist of little more than one person letting his/her partner(s) know he's going out with someone else, where he'll be and when he'll be back.
 
A better question is: Is this how poly works for you?  No, clearly not.  FTR, it wouldn't work for me either, but there's nothing inherently wrong with either style.  Going forward, you should be aware that you need more transparency and communicate that need to any other partners.  If those partners aren't willing to meet your needs, then they aren't right for you.  However, you should be aware that not all poly relationships are identical and there's a lot of room for negotiation.

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RE: Is This Normal, Poly Behavior? - 12/22/2010 2:53:11 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 20705
Joined: 2/21/2007
Status: online
quote:

ORIGINAL: AlluringArtist
There seems to be so many very complicated angles.

You know, the longer that I do this thing that I call poly, the more that I'm convinced that folks need to get on the same page about what kind of poly they are practicing.  It's really not a one size fits all deal.

I'll be real honest with you here.  In clip's case, he's gotten so used to hearing that I'm playing with this person or that person that it probably doesn't make much of an impression.  I don't even consider that transparency.  I call it just talking about what I did over the weekend. 

Actually adding to the household is something that I take much more seriously.  We've already got a pretty good thing going here and I've got no desire to rock the boat.  The boy I've had My eye on lately has met everyone and seems to get on with the other males.  I'm in charge and all of that, but I'm going to see that part through first.  Might be the very same case as what you've experienced.  Just something to think about.

_____________________________

"Come to the edge, She said.
He said that he was afraid.
Come to the edge, She said.
He came. She pushed him,
And he flew . . ."


http://NE2010.net

Now running "Lady Pact's World".

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RE: Is This Normal, Poly Behavior? - 12/22/2010 6:11:40 PM   
Frenzyandpoise


Posts: 33
Joined: 12/21/2010
Status: offline 		I think I would chalk this up as a lesson learned.

If you're ever involved with another poly couple, I think you're with in your rights to question if there is another person besides yourself that the couple or the man plays with. And I think you should expect honesty with that answer.

It sounds like you feel like you were lead on, then were given a bait and switch when they talked about this other woman moving in with them.

You're justified in your feelings.

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RE: Is This Normal, Poly Behavior? - 12/22/2010 9:54:46 PM   
SpiritedRadiance


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quote:

ORIGINAL: AlluringArtist
I made a commitment to be monogamous to him myself, with the understanding that he wouldn't be. It was my way of easing myself into the concept of poly.


That to me is him kinda saying Im going to see other people besides you and my wife. If I wasnt the dom and our relationship was online, I wouldnt tell you about her until I knew she was moving in as well.

Why? What If I tell you, you get upset as you have, and its for nothing? Poly is complicated as it is, adding more partners makes it that much more complicated. Maybe he wasnt sure If you yourself were ever going to join them real life, so because the relationship being online only they didnt feel the need to keep you in the loop as much as the other person who they were having a relationship real life.

Also you started having other partners which may or may night have put the doms panties in a bunch to make him consider more intently the other person over you because you were with others.....

It seems to me the expectations of everyone involved were highly different....


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RE: Is This Normal, Poly Behavior? - 12/22/2010 10:02:25 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 6464
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		I have a more questions than answers. I understand that you met this couple online... but did it ever evolve beyond the online environment and if so...when did that occur. You talk about being committed to him as a monogamist... but when did you do that... was it after you met them? When did you make such a commitment? How much of them did you know about them?

My Kyra and I met first online about 6 years ago and we met some 6 months later in person. There was never a committment between us until we actually met. Secondly, at the time, I had two girls, one was living with me and another wasn't. And as faith would have it.. I met another girl about the same time that I met Kyra who become a friend and play partner.

When I first met Kyra online she was but an acquaintence and learned only alittle of my personal relationships. As things evolved and we become more interested in desiring more that was when disclosures started to occur. But, it really wasn't until we met and we were ready to make a commitment that she was fully aware of my relationships. There was a process of disclosure.... in that she ask questions she needed to know in order to make an informed decision. I also provided informations that I thought was important but in general... she asked everything and I just filled in the blanks. Part of the process was for me to ensure she understood what I shared. We actually had alot of talks in this regard. By the time she came to see me.... she was only seeking to validate what she already knew from our many conversations. See it with her own eyes so to speak.

I am confused what kind of relationship the three of you had in the first place..... and maybe you can explain it... because I really think you are leaving alot out that would affect how people see your given situation.

I do know that if some is going to become a life partner to me... they will have full disclosure from me. But what was your relationship?... It seems strange that he was looking to have this other girl move in with him and I wonder was this an options for the two of you?

The truth is... some poly dynamics are rather loosely structured. In that individuals envolved have rather open relationships with others without other members necessarily knowing ... and then at the other extreme some poly-dynamics are very rigid in that members don't have relationships without everyone's involvement and blessing. and of course everything in between.....

If you are going to live a poly lifestyle... understand how that can work for you. It seems to me you really didn't understand how it should work of you. THERE is no one way to do it... people do it the way that works best for them.... some like it flexible and fuild... others like it closed and rigidly structured. Seems to me.. that you and the couple was on two different pages and that is a lack of communication as well as understanding what you wanted. But... as I said.. there is things missing here... and it's really hard to say much....... But... I am not going to buy this lack of honesty was going on..... but it does seem a lack of common expectations.

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RE: Is This Normal, Poly Behavior? - 12/23/2010 7:56:09 AM   
ericaMT


Posts: 1
Joined: 11/29/2008
Status: offline 		alluring, sorry to say this but after TWO poly relationships and what you described in parts happening both times. It appears it is accepted.

best of luck,
erica

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RE: Is This Normal, Poly Behavior? - 12/23/2010 10:47:58 AM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
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I think it's a really really good idea to discuss and agree ahead of time on the degree of openness and honesty expected, and not just assume. Even then, things don't always work out the way they're "supposed to." My former Dom & I discussed everything ahead of time re: transparency, honesty, closed/open poly, etc and so on and, being the online member of the family, I was still the last to know when someone had joined the family and was moving in. I think sometimes (or maybe I am wrong....) online "members of the family" are intentionally left out of the loop.

~sweetsub~

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In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

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RE: Is This Normal, Poly Behavior? - 12/23/2010 2:31:40 PM   
SteveNjaz


Posts: 5
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Status: offline 		Whats interesting is, the other girl knew about you, talked to you on a regular basis but never told you. Had she been sworn to secrecy ?
Was he having open sex with you? if so, you have every right to know who else he is openly fucking?

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