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RE: jealousy? - 3/26/2011 5:14:47 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4068
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: possessedone

As KoM stated above, jealousy is often confused with envy.  I was never jealous of Master and Miss's relationship, but there were times I was envious of their friendship.  I was envious of how they could complete each other and often wondered how these two people, who were so in love with each other, could ever want someone like me hanging around.  As time went on and our relationship grew I started to understand. I understood that my being with them wasn't taking anything away from what they had, but it was allowing them to grow as individuals and as a couple.  Now that Miss has a master there is still no jealousy.  I think it all comes down to being able to communicate as a family, a willingness to be open and honest with all parties involved, and a desire to keep growing, learning and evolving.


Beautiful statement that kind of got lost in the pissing contest. I just wanted to say that, as KoM and his family also demonstrates, what you said above is so very possible. Likely? Probably not. But possible. Sounds like you and yours are some of the fortunate ones. Thanks for sharing. You said it beautifully

luci

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(in reply to possessedone)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: jealousy? - 3/27/2011 2:48:23 PM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline 		I don't understand WHY Darkenstein had to come onto the poly board just to say how horrible poly is, how it's relationships never last and the subs involved are never happy. If he doesn't like poly, he should just stay away from the Polyamorous Lifestyles forum.

For his information, I am the one who asked Daddy if he ever thought of having another girl besides me. To me, that does not sound unhappy about being poly. For the record, he said yes, and we're both happy about that and looking.

quote:

ORIGINAL: KinkyKittenGirl

okay this is for the people that have been in a poly relationship for a while. or such. do you ever get jealous or when you joined a poly relationship where you a jealous person and when you joined the relationship did it stay with you (the jealousy) or did it go away?

im asking because i am being considered to join a poly house hold relationship and im just curious about what other people feel about jealousy and such



To answer the orginal post, I've never been in a long-term poly relationship yet, but I know I'm not the jealous type. I may be envious at times, but usually not jealous.

~sweetsub~

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to KinkyKittenGirl)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: jealousy? - 3/27/2011 3:06:56 PM   
LadyNTrainer


Posts: 1584
Joined: 5/20/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darkenstein
Yeah..... I kind of expected some insults and smart ass replies here... but I've been in the lifestyle quite a few years and what I hear from the subs that I meet is that they're NOT happy with the poly lifestyle. In fact, every time I post some of my prose on the subject, I get flooded with emails from female subs who agree with me. Generally, the Dom's and Domme's are poly, but expect their subs to be mono... good luck with that working out... And six years of success??? I've known people that were together for over a half century and died in love with each other... and it was mono in each case....


I was lucky enough to grow up in a thriving West Coast poly community, with some examples of poly families that have been stable for decades and raised happy kids.  One of the first boys I dated was the product of such a family, and a more well-adjusted kid you'd be hard put to find anywhere.   And his family is still together and happy, though not all of them are still alive.  I don't know what the actual year count is for that family, but the boy I dated who was born to that family is in his 30's now.   And that's just one family; I know of many more. 

Not everyone is wired poly, and doing it right can be hard.  If you're not wired for it, or if you do it wrong, the failures can be spectacular.  But you can say the same for marriage and long term monogamous relationships.  Looked at the divorce and cheating statistics lately? 

My own triad has been together for a few years now, and no jealousy issues for us either.  This isn't to say that they didn't have some feelings initially, but they dealt with those feelings like adults and we discussed them together so that we could set boundaries on developing relationships, take things slow, and negotiate how to make everyone comfortable and to feel secure that their needs would be met.  A lot of jealousy is insecurity and fear of loss, and when those things are addressed, it can be surprising how fast jealousy turns into compersion and friendship for your partner's partners. 

It's okay if this poly thing is not for you, but it's not okay to tell us that it won't work for us either or that we're all doing it wrong.  Especially not when you're talking to people who are actually living in loving and stable poly families, and who have been for years.

I don't believe you are a real person.  I think you are actually a hamster whose exercise wheel got stuck in a computer keyboard.  I have no reason to believe this, and absolutely no evidence.  But I'll believe it anyway, just because.  I will totally ignore you when you tell me anything about your actual life experience, because I know better than you do what is actually true about you and your life.  Sound fair? 


_____________________________

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(in reply to Darkenstein)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: jealousy? - 3/29/2011 3:31:20 AM   
Sunny27


Posts: 133
Joined: 10/9/2010
Status: offline 		Heya ok I'm in a relationship with anyone but my Dom thought I do have an online playpartner.
Myself and my Dom hope to find a girl soon to be a slave/sub to my own Dom.
Now some people are very surprised that I'm up for seeing my own Dom with other girls and yet I don't go near any other guys.
The reason for me is simple I don't want to fall for another guy, and well me being me sometimes I fall in love with a guy that looks after me well and cares for me. I'm lucky to bisexual otherwise I wouldn't be able to have fun with another girl.
Besides my flaw we both Love, trust, honour and obey some of the facts of life.
My Dom was Lucky as he parents were together till the day his dad died, my parents divorced when I was 8, I usually don't tell a guy about that for about three weeks incase we don't think its working out between us so we then split up and go our own ways!!
An ex of mine told my Dom that my parents had been divorced for years!
My Dom was understably like Huh?As we had just met each other that night! I mean yeah most guys wouldn't tell another guy their ex's business unless they were still interested in them.
When my Dom told me about him saying that to him a few months later I got upset.
Most people think if you tell a guy something like that a few minutes after you've told them.
Then they'll think Aww sure why bother if her parents are like that then she could be just like that too and run screaming.

Since we're together 3 years now though and My dom let it slip the other day that he's going to propose to me at the end of this year. He then said Shit I'm not supposed to say that now I've fucked it all up. I just said to him with gleam in my eyes you didn't say a month or date so it'll still be spontaneous!! Now I'm really excited and I know I'll be thrilled when he finally asks me and I can say yes!!
He looked at me then and said yes thats true and then we passionately kiss!!
Good Luck girl in your new place!

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: jealousy? - 5/17/2011 2:01:43 PM   
Daggerandpez


Posts: 11
Joined: 5/17/2011
Status: offline 		first off...i think everyone need to think about before poly is...

is it jealousy (a fear he will leave you for someone else)
or envy (envious of something they have that you doing ie...looks talents time etc)

second...way pros ad cons...think about what you can gain from being poly...not just from the Dom...but from everyone in the family...

and most impotent...needs vs wants...i NEED to eat...i dont NEED to play all the time...

just my 2 cents...


-pez

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: jealousy? - 6/9/2011 5:07:30 PM   
analyticalmaster


Posts: 39
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darkenstein

Jealousy is a normal human emotion and anyone here who claims not to have experienced it is blowing smoke up your ass. The poly people that I've been around over the years are anong the most jealous and insecure people I know becaus ethere is no stability in the relationship. I've tried to be open minded on the subject, and that is my conclusion... it just doesn't work...


I cant let this go without comment, yes jealousy is a normal human condition at times, yes even poly people succumb to it on occasion.  But if you believe that  being poly is about being insecure in who you are and what you are, you must not know very many.  Which is not surprising lifestyle poly, the kind that last years is very rare, especially M/s poly.  I dont really care if people think I am secure or insecure, but I will tell you this, most of the people I know in this life, especially those that do serious lifestyle poly are very secure, because you can hide from the world if you are BDSM but you cant hide being poly, if you really are.

(in reply to Darkenstein)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: jealousy? - 6/12/2011 11:27:18 AM   
maisyjayne


Posts: 8
Joined: 9/27/2006
Status: offline 		I have been in a poly relationship for over 18 months now, my situation is very different to many poly situations, being that I am the submissive in the relationship and they are the dominants. I feel for us it works very well, I have no reason to be jealous, I have always felt very secure and basically for us it works. I can imagine though that if I were in a situation where there was another submissive involved I may have times where I felt slightly insecure. I would however want all the lines of communication to be very open, its very important and trying to ignore those feelings would only be hiding any issues for the time being. I have seen other poly relationships thrive and fail but I would say the key to making it work are communication and empathy.

(p.s I haven't read most of the thread as it seemed to be getting aggressive, just wanted to add my bit!)

(in reply to analyticalmaster)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: jealousy? - 6/12/2011 4:52:56 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 16506
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KinkyKittenGirl

okay this is for the people that have been in a poly relationship for a while. or such. do you ever get jealous or when you joined a poly relationship where you a jealous person and when you joined the relationship did it stay with you (the jealousy) or did it go away?

im asking because i am being considered to join a poly house hold relationship and im just curious about what other people feel about jealousy and such


Hello Kitten -
I'm intrigued that you say  you are "being considered" to join a poly household.  This may be nitpicking, but I believe that our method of using words can tell quite a lot about ourselves.  You don't say, "I'm considering doing this."  Instead, your post says THEY are considering YOU. 

This, in my  mind, is a set up for failure.  It suggests to me that you have not thought this through, that this isn't your kind of thing, or you're not going into it with a "serious relationship" kind of attitude.  None of these is bad per se, but they do create a certain context in which you would be operating.

I very much recommend you consider a lot of things when going into this.  Are YOU a jealous person?  What kind of realtionships will be in the grouping?  Have you considered sexuality in this?  Meeting strangers?  How to get your needs met?  How committed will you be to the relationship?  I'm sure there are a million and one questions to consider, and that you are saying THEY are considering YOU suggests to me that you are not really into it.  It's just a fun thing to do - nothing wrong with that.  Do your ideas of poly and theirs mesh? 

Be sure... because when poly relationships break up, they can be exponentially devastating just as they can be exponentially positive when they work well.

good luck,
sunshine


_____________________________

¿me preguntas por que compro arroz y flores? compro arroz para vivir y flores para tener algo por lo que vivir.
~Confucio

Yes, I am a wonton hussy.

Head Hib Harem Hottie

(in reply to KinkyKittenGirl)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: jealousy? - 6/12/2011 7:39:17 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 16506
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		*exponentially as in "the number of people" NOT "the depth of the relationship"

_____________________________

¿me preguntas por que compro arroz y flores? compro arroz para vivir y flores para tener algo por lo que vivir.
~Confucio

Yes, I am a wonton hussy.

Head Hib Harem Hottie

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: jealousy? - 6/15/2011 12:57:28 PM   
PrincessDonna1


Posts: 21
Joined: 5/2/2010
Status: offline 		I have found that being in a poly household makes each person every day try to be the very best that they can be,be that the competition with others I dont know but as long as each person can see the betterment in themselves and the support of the rest of the household things seem to work out fine.Is there a need to feel envy,that can come at any given moment,someones birthday that gets a great gift that you may have wanted,the wanting of passion when it may not be that your the one that nite,all sorts of things.But honesty and communication can make things work.Get to know the people you are getting involved with is the most important thing know each person personally so there is no discord later.

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: jealousy? - 7/5/2011 9:32:28 AM   
MsLena


Posts: 2
Joined: 7/5/2011
Status: offline 		I have a male and a female slave in my home, and there are definitely moments of jealousy, but thankfully, we all trust one another enough to sit down and talk about it.  Wwe have family meetings, so everyone can air their frustrations or fears, and then Wwe can figure out how to fix it.  It helps that my lifetime slave and my new slave care alot about one another, and became very good friends before poly came into the picture, but that is not always the case for most people. 

COMMUNICATION is the key to having a good poly relationship....TRUST is a big part of that as well.  HONESTY is vital to good communication and trust.  Without the three ingredients, any relationship is doomed, but a poly relationship has no chance at all.  The only way to this is to do this.

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: jealousy? - 8/14/2011 5:36:41 PM   
SignoreCapriccio


Posts: 3
Joined: 8/9/2011
From: All over
Status: offline 		KinkyKittenGirl -

I've held a variety of relationships (monogamous, marriage, dating, polyamorous, and communal living) over the course of my adult life and jealousy has reared its head in every one of them. Its not just a poly thing and no amount of communication is going to make it go away, if there isn't a basis of trust in the relationship between the partners involved. It becomes complicated in a poly based relationship, because now you have more than one partner to build that trust with.

I would strongly recommend that you build individual relationships, as well as the poly one. Work on developing a strong sense of trust with your partners and openly communicate with them.

I understand that every relationship is going to be different, that we all come into these from different backgrounds, and with different expectations for how the relationship is going to be structured. But for it to have any chance at success there needs to be both trust and communication

_____________________________

I dream vividly of the abyss and know for where I stand within it. I am not delusional and think I stand upon the cusp looking over. For we have already stared long and hard into each other soul and seen that we are kin to one another.

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: jealousy? - 8/14/2011 9:06:38 PM   
TheShrew


Posts: 519
Joined: 2/15/2009
From: The state I live in? Confusion.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
Now... don't confuse with Jealousy with Envy. I find many do that.
Jealousy is a fear response to losing something you believe to be yours.
Envy to me is more a wanting something that another has.


While I am not, and shall never be the poly type I do have friends in such an arrangement. I had always made the assumption, when one of the subs was in disgruntled state, that is was due to jealousy. I had never even considered it could be envy. Thank you, KoM, for giving me a new perspective.

ETA .. correct spelling in place of the typo.


< Message edited by TheShrew -- 8/14/2011 9:08:54 PM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: jealousy? - 1/4/2012 4:25:04 PM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 1537
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: New Brunswick, NJ
Status: offline
quote:

Original American Heritage Dictionary
jeal·ous

ADJECTIVE:

Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position.

Resentful or bitter in rivalry; envious: jealous of the success of others.
Inclined to suspect rivalry.
Having to do with or arising from feelings of envy, apprehension, or bitterness: jealous thoughts.
Vigilant in guarding something: We are jealous of our good name.
Intolerant of disloyalty or infidelity; autocratic: a jealous God.


I highlighted the part that resonates with me.

Yes, I experience that kind of jealousy and I think that it is actually a positive catalyst. While I don't like the word: "apprehensive", I can relate. To me, it is what motivates me to treat my ladies well and to (as an example) make coffee for them when I detest the stuff.

While the dictionary doesn't bear me out on this one: I have always felt that envy ("wanting to be able to give my partner what they get from someone else" is my definition) wasn't as ugly as the dictionary makes it sound. I can be envious of the people with whom my ladies spend time without being bitter or possessive. You know, along the lines of: "Gee, I wish it were me, holding her hand but I am very glad that she's enjoying herself".

I think the issue is "possessiveness" or "covetousness". I don't want what doesn't belong to me and, while it is a difficult in the context of a D/s relationship, I don't want to keep my ladies from experiencing love with anyone else. That is not mine.

Sure, in a D/s relationship, they are mine but, since I believe that polyamory is natural, I want them to give and receive as much love as possible. In the end, it makes them happy, well-rounded people (in my opinion) and that serves me , well. Of course, there are certain rules but in the context of a D/s relationship, we deal with those, all the time.

In response to Darkenstein: I have never believed that polyamory is a one-way street. In fact, I have often said that dominants that think along the lines of: "Caesar's wife must be beyond reproach but not Caesar" need a new descriptive word/phrase. I think for a relationship to be "poly" it needs to allow freedom to all involved.



Peace and comfort,



Michael

_____________________________

25 years ago, we had: Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope. Today, we have Barrack Obama, No cash, and no hope.

http://www.youtube.com/user/LibertarianMichael 10 APR 12 - Life (Pt.2)

(in reply to TheShrew)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: jealousy? - 1/12/2012 10:06:50 PM   
Ogrelord999


Posts: 113
Joined: 6/9/2011
From: United states
Status: offline 		Fucking thank you for that one My man ... I was going to say that glad you got to it first!

_____________________________

The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
~Socrates

" Cold hearted Orb that rules the night ... steals the colors from our sight, red is grey and yellow white, but we decide which is right ... and which is Illusion." ~ Moody Blues


(in reply to Darkenstein)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: jealousy? - 1/13/2012 7:47:37 AM   
MrBukani


Posts: 952
Joined: 4/18/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

Alandra, Kyra and I have been together for almost 6 years now. There has never been an occurance of jealousy between Alandra and Kyra.

Now... don't confuse with Jealousy with Envy. I find many do that.

Jealousy is a fear response to losing something you believe to be yours. The response could be an irrational response that is unjustified or it really could be an rational response that is very justifed. I have found the best way to avoid jealousy is building a secure basis for the relationship where the fear of lost is not going to be stimulated by the behaviors within the relationship.

Envy to me is more a wanting something that another has. There have indeed moments of envy with Alandra and Kyra. But it doesn't cross the line from wanting something they have to trying to take what they have. In fact, even though there are moments of envy... they have been rather good in confronting and acknowledging their feelings about it. They also been very good at being happy for the other person having something the other has. Instead... they use the envy to motivated them to constructive behaviors to earn what the other may have. sometimes it is also accepting that it is what it is.... Envy though it has occurred is not something that has ever developed to be a problem between the girls. They are first and foremost happy for what each other has which is alot more important than what they don't have. I have found the best way to minimize any negative affects of envy is to ensure that the fundamental needs are cared for and fufilled.

Jealousy is wanting what the other has.
Envy is the same plus you don't want the other to have what you covet.
Envy is worse than jealousy in plain regular english.
I think you got them switched up.

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: jealousy? - 1/14/2012 12:06:30 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 6464
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		Aaaaw no

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Knight of Mists

"Respect.... It is the ability to see people as they are, to be aware of their unique individuality" Eric Fromm

(in reply to MrBukani)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: jealousy? - 1/17/2012 12:51:26 AM   
Ogrelord999


Posts: 113
Joined: 6/9/2011
From: United states
Status: offline 		well one things clear , there are a variety of opinions , and some good points here as in " jelousy vs. Envy , however what amazes me is how many state their opinion as fact. I should know by now to never underestimate the power of human arrogance. Hence I have always calculated that it was one in a million odds to find ceasers "wife" to begin with ergo, its goint to be at LEAST another million to find a third. rather than force it (how Ironic) I'll wait

Granted I quit this scene at least once a month out of frustration with egoes , posers and just plain old rudeness ... to some here also ... IF YOU NEED to challenge everyone around you , its a sign of basic insecurity and my guess would be you really havent mastered a whole hell of a lot in your life to begin with... some I see do it EVERY time. What say we? get a grip and let other folks post something useful.

Theres enough infighting in the world as it is , as outcasts and freaks we should adavance the acceptance we seem to crave instead of pissing contests.

Ogre

http://youtu.be/t7Y0I91rubg

< Message edited by Ogrelord999 -- 1/17/2012 12:54:44 AM >

_____________________________

The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
~Socrates

" Cold hearted Orb that rules the night ... steals the colors from our sight, red is grey and yellow white, but we decide which is right ... and which is Illusion." ~ Moody Blues


(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: jealousy? - 1/17/2012 5:52:33 AM   
MrBukani


Posts: 952
Joined: 4/18/2010
Status: offline 		If we would all agree here on what is what, we wouldn't need to be here would we?
If we don't challenge fucked up values and norms wich are negative, how will mankind evolve?
It's a nice line Socrates said but what did he really do?
He questioned everything.
And since Plato wrote everything down it's debatable if Socrates really believed this true wisdom.
Maybe he used it as a metaphore to explain the road to true wisdom.


Edit about the english explanation of jealousy.
How can I be jealous of the car you have wich I don't have.
I cannot loose what I do not have.
So how can I be jealous about you havin a nice car....
hmmmmm
IMO the english explanation lacks the whole range of the emotion.


< Message edited by MrBukani -- 1/17/2012 5:58:05 AM >

(in reply to Ogrelord999)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: jealousy? - 1/20/2012 2:17:19 AM   
PolyIrishMiss


Posts: 90
Joined: 12/20/2011
Status: online 		Do I feel jealousy? Sometimes I suppose. I'm not really sure what it feels like to be honest. I do know that when my Mistress, or anyone else I've been involved with starts to see someone new I do get extremely protective for the first couple of dates. Then after that I'm pushing them out the door, having made sure they look drop dead gorgeous, and telling them to have fun, not to call uness there's an emergency, and of course "Do you have protection? What do you mean no? Here's some durex have fun." Is the protectiveness a manifestation of jealousy?

Mistress and I were two sides of a 3 year commited poly triad. I consider it after my relationship with Mistress my most successful relationship. Our former kitten was very sweet, submissive and messed up when we met her. She left us much stronger and happier. She also left finally able to deal with her bisexuality.  I think there probably were moments of jealousy between all three of us. I know there were between Mistress and kitten. But we talked them out. If any of us felt something we talked about it til it stopped being a potentially damaging issue.

Someone recently reminded me that "in monogamy monogamy is the challenge, in polyamory absolute honesty and communications is instead." Emotions happen, we've evolved to have them, and we have them for what were and sometimes still are sound evolutionary reasons. But we don't have to be ruled by them. We can overcome them if what we want on the otherside is of great enough value to us. I know jealousy, in whatever manifestation, will crop up again between myself and Mistress again in the future. We're both human, and jealousy seems to be a major component of the human animal. But we'll talk it all through, work it out and come out the other side stronger than ever, just like we always have.

Not sure if that answers the OP but it's as close I can come right now.

P.S. Great question KinkyKittengirl. I love these sorts of discussions on polyness, just a shame openly poly people to talk to about poly are like chicken teeth in Ireland.

(in reply to MrBukani)
Profile   Post #: 40
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