sunshinemiss
Posts: 16506
Joined: 11/26/2007
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quote:
Hi everyone,
Just have a question for all you guys and girls, but ill start off with a bit of history.My wife and I have been married for about 5 yrs thow we had been friends for a bout 5 yrs before that.
You have known each other a long time. Got it.
quote:
My wife used to have a new partner nearly every week mostly 1-3 night stands before we were togeather and I wasnt much better.
Before you got together, you guys were playing the field a lot. Got it.
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thow things changed and Scince then and my wife and I got married and have a child thats about 2 and suffed through her pregnancy with post natal depression she had no libido thow my sex drive was mental.
You two have a two year old. Your wife suffered with post natal depression and without a libio. What does your sex drive was "mental" mean? Based on what you wrote below, it seems that it means you were wanting but not getting. Not sure it really matters, though.
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Before our child was born we were talking about her dating other girls which she was into and has done in the past and was an Interest
So about 2 and half years ago you two were talking about HER dating other women. This is not new. She did it in the past (before you were together? after you were together? This one might make a difference - mostly because you already know how it was for you if you guys have been in this position previously.)
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how ever with the new baby everything went on the backburner our relationship was good but our sex lives were pretty much dead untill now except for the last couple of weeks.
So for the last 2 weeks or so you two have been sexual with each other. That's a long dry spell - 2 years. And now all of a sudden you two are back at it. Got it.
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we have decided now that we need a girls night out/guys night out every month thow we hardly spend much time with each other.
That's an interesting decision. You are not going to put energy into the primary relationship, into your marriage, after a two year celibacy. That doesn't sound particularly wise, nor does it sound like it will help your marriage or your family.
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I have been open to the Idea of a poly relationship of some sort.
Being open to it and being involved in poly are two different things. You want to do this when your own relationship is rocky? Really? Is her getting a little on the side really worth the demise of your current primary relationship, your marriage, the end of your little child's family?
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Thow we were interested in bondage and one of her ex girlfriends is a dominatrix so she has been learning things from her.
That's not poly, that's BDSM - apples and oranges.
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Any way my Wife and I had a huge fight the week b4 she went out for the first time in years
Did you resolve that argument or was it still hanging in the air?
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anyway she received a msg saying that she wanted to play with my wife, if it was ok with me so i said yes as long as we talk anyway by the time I got home it was 30 min b4 she went out and we didnt really talk as much as i wanted so I agreed with her that she would tell me everything in the morning and she told me she would only be a few hrs anyway.
Now we're getting to the meat of the thing. So, you two didn't actively follow through on your agreement. She still walked away from your home knowing FULL WELL that she was not fulfilling her portion of the agreement. You then made a SECOND agreement with her... After the two of you violated the first, you tried to renegotiate.
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I got a phone call 6 hrs later with her heavy breathing on the ph saying she had to stay overnight because she drank to much
This suggests that you had an agreement that she would come home that night. Instead she chose to drink too much and to stay away from your home. Presumably, she could not talk to you the next morning before the work day began. A second violation of your agreements.
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by this stage my feeling were all over the place and then the next morning she came home thow nothing apparently happend.so I dont know if any thing did or didnt happpen.
You are saying 2 different things - "apparently" nothing happened AND you don't know if something happened. Clearly SOMETHING happened or she wouldn't have been out all night and avoiding telling you what's going on.
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thow have my doubts scince shes told me little white lies b4 about stupid things.
Well there's an interesting turn of events. There is a reason you have your doubts.
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Thow now she is still interested and meeting another girl for a one night stand weather it will be her ex i dont know.
So she wants to keep going out and being "single" more or less with other women. Being interested in doing something and doing it are two different things. The ex is irrelevant.
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I dont know if you could label my relationship what it would be called?
Shockingly, ranja and I agree - I'd call it a mess, too.
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Do those feelings end up going away?
What feelings? Doubt? Well, you have good reason to doubt. She has violated your trust in the past with lies, and the two of you have violated your own agreements with each other, and you have chosen not to trust your own instincts. Sounds like you need to have a little come to Jesus (that's "a serious talk") with both yourself and your wife. And let's be real. You guys are totally blowing your marriage and your home for your child with this nonsense.
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Any suggestions on getting her to open up?
I'd say first YOU need to open up. You need to decide what you can and can't handle, what does and doesn't work for you, and communicate that with her. You need to make agreements and stick with them. You need to continue talking after one of you enjoys the company of another person and figure out if "this" is still working for each of you individually and as a couple.
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Is it alright for me to know what happen that night or is that like kiss and tell?
That's the agreement you made. Why the hell wouldn't it be? You made an agreement to listen, and she made an agreement to tell. So what's the problem? Why are both of you violating that agreement? Why are you even discussing another incident when the first one hasn't been resolved. Getting the cart before the horse there, aren't you?
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and I think her getting with her ex is bad does anybody else agree? her ex has also just recently ended a relationship and has changed her sexual prefrence to only females.
Totally irrelevant.
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Anyone else in a similar situation?
Not no, but hell no. I want to trust the person I'm with. I want to maintain my boundaries and agreements with that person. I want to know I can be safe in the shelter of our honesty. Without that, I'm not staying.
Why are you so laissez faire about your marriage? About your needs? About your agreements? About what is important to you? And what are you going TO DO about it? Once you can answer that, you can move on to the next step.
good luck,
sunshine
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¿me preguntas por que compro arroz y flores? compro arroz para vivir y flores para tener algo por lo que vivir.
~Confucio
Yes, I am a wonton hussy.
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