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Is it acceptable? - 4/2/2011 8:00:18 PM

fitfreak36

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So, is it acceptable to have a poly amorous lifestyle? Is it not called adultery? How do you deal with it on a long term? Is it not totally damaging?

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RE: Is it acceptable? - 4/2/2011 8:11:41 PM

SylvereApLeanan

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Seriously? You might want to search through the archives to find answers to these sorts of newb questions. There are quite a few books referenced as quality reading materials for more research.

To answer your questions:

1. Yes
2. No
3. It depends
4. No

(Ms. Alpha, can we please have a poly FAQ? I'll even volunteer to compile it.)

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RE: Is it acceptable? - 4/2/2011 8:14:51 PM

fitfreak36

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ok, thanks.

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RE: Is it acceptable? - 4/2/2011 8:33:22 PM

Selectivelight

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... The way you phrase this makes it sound like you're already biased against us poly folks.

But I'll humor you and answer your questions.

Acceptable? Depends on what circle you associate with. Most religious folks have an immediate bias against it. Politicians, too. This amuses me because most of them have a closet full of skeletons just waiting to come out and dance. There's an old saying about glass houses... but I digress.

Adultery? By definition, adultery is voluntary intercourse between a married person and someone who is not their spouse. Since the state won't marry us, it is not adultery.

In the spirit of the question, it's not an affair either. Since we are all in this with full knowledge and consent, there isn't that element of deception and betrayal lurking in the shadows. Merely very loving, -very- passionate sex. (At least, in so much as my particular bedroom habits go. But maybe I shouldn't boast.)

I can't answer for how others deal with their relationships. My relationship itself doesn't need dealt with. We're all quite happy with it. As far as the social aspect is concerned, it helps that we only have a few friends, and that we associate with open-minded people. We don't get asked stupid questions and nobody puts us in a position in which we feel like we need to defend our choices. The rare occasions this happens from outside sources we sum it up with "it's none of your business" and move on.

Damaging? Not at all. In so much as I can see, my partners are much more confident and happy now than they were before, and we always have time to go out and have fun together. The relationship itself is healthy and strong, and I'm quite confident when I say I see myself with these two lovely people for the rest of my life.

Hope this gives you a little insight, sorry if you were looking for drama. I'm really nothing but smiles when it comes to my relationship.

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RE: Is it acceptable? - 4/2/2011 8:39:34 PM

SylvereApLeanan

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You know, I would have thought someone who lists herself as an "expert" in swinging would have already figured out the answers to these questions by now. Swinging isn't exactly the same as polyamory, but it's still a form of consensual non-monogamy. Maybe you should reconsider that Expert tag.

Just sayin.

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RE: Is it acceptable? - 4/2/2011 8:48:07 PM

fitfreak36

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Before you carry on, let me stop you there. I do have a lot of experience. There was a valid reason I asked these questions.

I do have absolutely no objections at all about the poly lifestyle. In fact, I do have my own slaves and partners as well. I was just checking generally as I have never been able to talk about it properly before. I have spoken about to a girlfriend of mine, who is very open minded. But I find people around me not accepting this type of lifestyle. Hence the questions.

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RE: Is it acceptable? - 4/2/2011 9:11:49 PM

SylvereApLeanan

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Here's a tip for your future reference and I mean this to be sincerely helpful. When you post questions like these, it's a good idea to give a bit of background about why you're asking. Otherwise, it comes across like you either don't know what you're talking about and/or that you're attempting to create drama.

If you're new and trying to learn, that's fine. Most people are pretty good about answering questions and pointing you toward educational resources. A lot of the time, basic questions like yours can be found by using the Search feature or good old Google. However, people are going to check out your profile and are going to call you out if there are obvious discrepancies between what you've written there and what you write here.

Those things being said, I will always recommend the Opening Up by Tristan Taormino as the best book on polyamory I've ever found. If you want a crash course in Polyamory 101, try this website: http://xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

As for whether or not people are accepting of polyamory, it depends on the people and their culture. Most of Western society has been conditioned to expect monogamy as the norm. However, a good portion of them also accept cheating as "normal" rather than ethical forms of non-monogamy such as polyamory and swinging. With the popularity of television shows such as Big Love and Sister Wives here in the U.S., non-mongamy is gainging more attention and more people are starting to explore it. I doubt polyamory will ever be mainstream, but it is gaining acceptance.

< Message edited by SylvereApLeanan -- 4/2/2011 9:13:09 PM >

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RE: Is it acceptable? - 4/3/2011 12:22:39 PM

Lockit

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fitfreak36

Before you carry on, let me stop you there. I do have a lot of experience. There was a valid reason I asked these questions.

I do have absolutely no objections at all about the poly lifestyle. In fact, I do have my own slaves and partners as well. I was just checking generally as I have never been able to talk about it properly before. I have spoken about to a girlfriend of mine, who is very open minded. But I find people around me not accepting this type of lifestyle. Hence the questions.

Let me get this straight. You have no objections to poly and in fact have multiple slaves and partners and yet you haven't have a chance to talk properly about it before? Why would you do what you haven't talked through with people? Is it other people, outside the realm of being involved that you are concerned with? Don't worry about it and you aren't here asking those that aren't open to it, so what's the deal?

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RE: Is it acceptable? - 4/3/2011 12:26:41 PM

DarkSteven

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fitfreak36

Before you carry on, let me stop you there. I do have a lot of experience. There was a valid reason I asked these questions.

I do have absolutely no objections at all about the poly lifestyle. In fact, I do have my own slaves and partners as well. I was just checking generally as I have never been able to talk about it properly before. I have spoken about to a girlfriend of mine, who is very open minded. But I find people around me not accepting this type of lifestyle. Hence the questions.

I'm not following. Do you think that a poll in a forum dedicated to polyamory will make a difference to people who don't accept it?

The only way they'll accept it is if they see people living it in a healthy manner. But don't count on it.

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RE: Is it acceptable? - 4/3/2011 12:26:50 PM

FukinTroll

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fitfreak36

So, is it acceptable to have a poly amorous lifestyle? Is it not called adultery? How do you deal with it on a long term? Is it not totally damaging?

I suppose if you relate it to adultery you get to burn in hell next to Solomon and Abraham.

Jus say'n

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RE: Is it acceptable? - 4/5/2011 10:04:46 PM

SailingBum

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fitfreak36

So, is it acceptable to have a poly amorous lifestyle? Is it not called adultery? How do you deal with it on a long term? Is it not totally damaging?

Boy am I confused... in your next post you explain that you have had several poly relationships. So my quesiton to you is " How do you deal with it on a long term? Is it not totally damaging?"

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RE: Is it acceptable? - 4/6/2011 1:05:28 AM

ranja

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fitfreak36

So, is it acceptable to have a poly amorous lifestyle? Is it not called adultery? How do you deal with it on a long term? Is it not totally damaging?

For me: it is not acceptable, it would be considered adultery, for the long term i foresee having to be happy with the one dick i know and some dongs and carrots maybe... it is not totally damaging... a bit limiting, but i think i can cope

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RE: Is it acceptable? - 4/6/2011 1:40:09 AM

LadyPact

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fitfreak36

So, is it acceptable to have a poly amorous lifestyle? Is it not called adultery? How do you deal with it on a long term? Is it not totally damaging?

It's acceptable to us. It isn't acceptable to everybody. Some people make a conscious decision that we prefer not to be monogamous. It's not adultery if the people involved have decided that they want to love more than one person.

I'm not sure of what you are asking in dealing with it long term. We deal with it in an open, honest, and ethical manner. We have what is known as a poly fidelity unit. In other words, we only engage in relationships that are established within our agreement.

No, it's not damaging. If anything, we find it to be the opposite. Damage is something that happens we people hurt others because they are having relationships that their partner doesn't know about or they weaken the bonds that they have because they aren't being honest about their activities, doing things behind one another's back, hiding what they are doing, etc. No deceit, no lies, no dirty little secrets that most people have to maintain if they are cheating on their primary partner in some way. I find that a heck of a lot more damaging than poly. That's why a lot of people call it ethical poly.

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RE: Is it acceptable? - 4/14/2011 4:03:02 AM

Sunny27

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It depends on if the couple are interested in a polyamorous then it's thought that thats ok its only if someone in a couple goes off to have a bit of fun with another without having spoken to their partner about it that it's thought of as cheating!
Myself and my My master are interested in playing with other girls but we've decided that once we are married we'll stop and just be monogamous! I hope that helps!!

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RE: Is it acceptable? - 4/14/2011 11:32:21 AM

porcelaine

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fitfreak36

I do have absolutely no objections at all about the poly lifestyle. In fact, I do have my own slaves and partners as well. I was just checking generally as I have never been able to talk about it properly before. I have spoken about to a girlfriend of mine, who is very open minded. But I find people around me not accepting this type of lifestyle. Hence the questions.

Greetings,

i believe i understand what you're referencing and receptivity is really hit or miss. Although i have never lived in this manner, i see many parallels with being involved with someone of the same sex and that decision involved a lot of compromises on both ends. In some situations you're able to be expressive and honest because the audience is not judgmental and in others reticence is better. From a personal perspective, i don't believe i'd be any less offensive to my family's sensibilities if i brought home two partners as opposed to a woman to the dinner table. In my opinion it is always best to exercise discernment and gauge the individual's ideology on issues of this nature before private details are disclosed.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

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RE: Is it acceptable? - 4/15/2011 9:52:54 PM

Hisprettybaby

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fitfreak36

So, is it acceptable to have a poly amorous lifestyle? Is it not called adultery? How do you deal with it on a long term? Is it not totally damaging?

I think it is acceptable to be polyamorous. I don't consider it adultery, because I don't subscribe to the one man/one woman is the only right way or else you're going to hell line of thinking, and I don't think it's cheating if everyone involved is open and honest with each other and all are agreeable to it. How I deal with it depends on the situation. Lastly, I do not think it's damaging if that's how you are wired. I'm wired for poly, not for being told I have to have only one partner. I think the decision on whether or not to be poly is individual. Myself, I'm wired for flexibility. I can be happy either in a poly or a mono relationship.

~hisprettybaby~

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RE: Is it acceptable? - 4/16/2011 10:07:03 AM

ForeverFire

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I happen to agree with Hisprettybaby, myself. I can be poly or monogamous, and not feel any lack in my life. There are issues with both LS, and the key to both is communication. Any relationship without it is doomed to failure, be it vanilla or otherwise.

I find poly acceptable, as long as all parties know and consent to it. I find monogamy acceptable as long as both parties are comfortable with it.

But that's just me.

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RE: Is it acceptable? - 4/16/2011 7:10:20 PM

ColoradoSkies

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fitfreak36

So, is it acceptable to have a poly amorous lifestyle? Is it not called adultery? How do you deal with it on a long term? Is it not totally damaging?

If you are honest from the beginning about what is happening, why would it not be acceptable? Adultery is cheating on marrige or a commited 1 to 1 relationship. In the long term, how is it different than dating 2 partners for a few years? If all parties know what they are getting into, why would it be damaging to anyone?

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RE: Is it acceptable? - 5/11/2011 6:55:07 AM

emiliiERASE

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Isn't adultery cheating? Polyamoury, while it can be....unpleasant in some lifestyles, can never be cheating. Therefore no. It's not adultery.

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RE: Is it acceptable? - 5/12/2011 6:10:28 AM

Sunny27

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I think the only reason for someone in a poly household to be thought of as having comittied adultery was if A) The person in a commited relationship with them was not told that they wanted to have a poly realtionship with anyone they wanted!
I can say that as I knew a couple a few years ago. It was a guy and girl that were dating. The guy had on his page that he was in a relationship and then under that he had that he was in a poly relationship.
Now I was completly shocked, as I knew his g.f. had fallen in love with him after like 3 weeks kinda thing.
She obviously thought he had a poly relationship written on his profile as just something he was maybe thinking of but wouldn't actually do.
She had on her profile that she was just in a relationship on her profile!
Anyway she broke up with him after being with him 5 months as she walked into a room and saw her b.f. kissing another girl.
Now I can only bet she felt crushed at the time, this was on a saterday. She broke up with him on Monday and it took her a few months to get over him!

So yes I think Poly households can be really fun but if you want a poly household you must sit down and decide on rules cause otherwise it could end up breaking your relationship with someelse!

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