RE: Laying the ground rules, making it work

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Polyamorous Lifestyles >> RE: Laying the ground rules, making it work

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RE: Laying the ground rules, making it work - 4/8/2011 1:06:40 AM

Kalista07

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Fox
Obviously, I have very little in the way of positive or useful poly experience to offer here these days.... Having said that however, I do have friends who have taken situations like yours and made them work successfully. The one thing I've seen make it or break it is COMMUNICATION!!
I would reiterate everyone else's plea to trust Max and not force him to offer an explanation at times... All things being fair and equal, in a very very tiny part of my mind that I would never acknowledge out loud I might silently wonder if things would be different now if he had listened to me.
Anyway, just be open, honest, and transparent.
Kali

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RE: Laying the ground rules, making it work - 4/8/2011 1:26:20 AM

ranja

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolf2Bear

You also have to understand that for a partner who has the ability and self honesty to say to their sub/lover that "I am not able to fulfill all your needs" and then is agreeable to seek out a third to satisfy what isn't satisfied is a mature person in my books. Not all of us are hard wired for a monogamous dynamic and polyandry is a viable option. Damn right it takes a hellof a lot of work to make a poly household work and work fairly smoothly. Many do fail miserably and many have the personal strength to work through the many rough spots to have what they so desire.
Frankly I admire Max and Maxsboy knowing their limitations in their relationship and having the courage to ask questions and opinions before they embark on a polyandry lifestyle. I do wish them both all the best and may they be very successful in their search. If you want something bad enough: you will do what it takes to achieve that goal.

I don't know them at all, but like you i wish them all the best and my opinion should really not matter much to anybody
i just think that if you are engaged to be married and have a very busy life... actively seeking to become intimately involved with a new special person in a bdsm-y kind a way should probably be the last thing one busies themselves with, but obviously it is not, everybody to their own.

(Jeff: my opinion on the dog lead situation still has not changed, it makes no difference, don't be sore man)

ETA: i think i have just put my finger on why it makes my heart sink...
as Max is the leader as i understand it... it would all feel much better if he were the one first suggesting the scenario and secondly be the one looking for the new person giving you the veto right instead... it feels as if he is just going along with what you want and his veto might not even be good enough... but maybe it will work out just fine
I also think that these succesful menage a trois or other poly situations more sort of accidentally happen or naturally grow... trying to force the situation by actively seeking it out feels too stressed to me.

< Message edited by ranja -- 4/8/2011 1:40:27 AM >

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RE: Laying the ground rules, making it work - 4/8/2011 5:11:11 AM

Madame4a

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I'm in the camp of primary veto power.. I also think that the primary (particularly the one who is not leaving the relationship to find something else) should be able to make some of the rules.. the things that will help him still feel secure and primary in the relationship.

Frankly, primary veto power has been a good thing in any poly situation I've been in. I think its a good thing to extend to a partner for some of the reasons LP stated below.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Fox, there are times that the SO (Max, in your case) can and should veto just based on their gut. They might be seeing signals that you don't see. It's happened in our household. MP had kicked a couple of people to the curb based on how he felt about them.

This was actually good for us. If nothing else, it showed MP that our primary relationship was always the most important. I'm not saying that it was a 'test' but it did reassure him. Those times that I said, 'ok, honey..... something isn't right for you' really did matter. If anything, it reaffirmed us and dispelled his fears.

Sometimes, it really is just a vibe. When Max hears that and you don't, you need to listen to him.

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RE: Laying the ground rules, making it work - 4/8/2011 9:32:19 AM

LPslittleclip

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yes poly can work with married partners but there has to be communication and trust with all members. i started as a service only sub with my mistress cleaning cooking car work and beatings. as the dynamic evolved and trust was built with all members i was allowed to spend the night and stay with my Mistress. my wife has met with my Mistress and her SO once during xmas with most of my kids and once for my wifes b-day just us no ums. that was when my wife got to see me play with my Mistress at a local dungeon. it allowed her to have a better understanding of what play really is. for those that are not familiar with the story of how i met my Mistress i was stationed at ft gordon and started chatting online. She agreed to meet me in atlanta at 1763 to just meet and no play. my wife was not with me due to kids so a phone call was made on speaker so basic rules could be made with all. the dynamic has progressed from there, now i am Her collared slave the main rule for U/us is that the primary relationships are first and that has helped to maintain them. i hope this helps feel free to contact me on the other side as well

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RE: Laying the ground rules, making it work - 4/9/2011 9:46:34 AM

SylvereApLeanan

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Spyder and I have three basic rules that make poly work for us. We didn't transition from mono to poly; we've always been poly. However, these rules have served us well for almost nine years so we must be doing something right. They won't work for everyone, but they might help give you an idea of what will work for you.

Rule 1: Tell me about it before it happens.

This means we tell each other about everything from the goofy flirtations here on the CM boards to the people with whom we'd like to get naked. We communicate every step of the way, and always meet each other's prospective partners, unless we've been issued a "hunting license" - a blanket ok for a one-off thing like con sex. If we use the license, we inform each other about it at the earliest opportunity.

Rule 2: Be careful.

This covers obvious things like using condoms. It also includes things like evaluating trust levels and deciding when it's appropriate to give out phone numbers, addresses and so forth.

Rule 3: Come home.

This is the most important rule. "Come home" doesn't mean sleeping in the same bed every night, it means our relationship comes before everything else. We both have, and have used, veto power. However, we're both very careful about using it. Too often, people who are new to poly use a veto in a possessive, jealous way in order to limit each other. We only use ours in cases where the new relationship would cause a significant disruption in our existing one. Simply not liking the other person isn't good enough to qualify for a veto. For example, if Spyder doesn't like someone I want to play or have sex with, we talk about it. He usually has really good reasons. The veto never comes into play because I tend to agree with him once he explains them.

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