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How does a slave deal with the emotional side of Poly..,if this counts as Poly?


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How does a slave deal with the emotional side of Poly..... - 4/9/2011 1:15:27 AM   
danaeisabadgirl


Posts: 8
Joined: 8/14/2009
Status: offline
So it's a part of everything, his being able to fuck anything that moves, should he want to. It's easy enough to agree to because it didnt sound so difficult at the time, but now that he's seeking (not as openly as i'd like)....how do i deal with the 'hitting the wall' effect? Each and every time i realize that i'm losing valuable time with him because his attention is focused elsewhere...my stomach hits the floor and i cant get over the overwhelming nausea of knowing that eventually something will come of it....

I cant be 25 years old again, those days are oh so gone....and no matter how many times i'm told i should feel secure about my place in his life, i wonder, what if he meets super girl...who can do everything i can..and even do it better. Thats my job..putting the smile on his face, making him happy....

what's left for me? laundry, dishes?

How do i deal with this?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: How does a slave deal with the emotional side of Po... - 4/9/2011 1:34:57 AM   
SpiritedRadiance


Posts: 1249
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline 		You talk with him... you tell him how you feel, what you fear, and you and him agree on special time thats yours and yours alone, rules that make your place yours. You get the pickle from his plate if you three eat out....
If you try poly and you cant handle it you tell him this as well... He will either give it up for the sake of the primary relationship, or you will learn a new limit.

Some people are Poly some arent. You have to look inside and think, why do I feel this way, whats happening? whats causing me to feel jealous or hurt? And work on it.... is it hes spending 90% of the time you normally spent together looking for a third? Is it because he can as you say "fuck anything that moves" and hes knows youll be there washing his clothes no matter what? What emotions are you feeling, what thoughts? and how can you and him fix it? Is it neglect? Resentment? Those are natural, so talk about it,,,,

A Slave doesnt mean you cant have feelings or that you cant say no. YOU can say no you cant do this no you cant handle this...

He can say its his right, then you are incompatible and need to move on to a situation that fits your needs.

Poly of ANY kind cannot work with out COMMUNICATION... so communicate...


_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to danaeisabadgirl)
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RE: How does a slave deal with the emotional side of Po... - 4/9/2011 3:28:05 AM   
Sunny27


Posts: 133
Joined: 10/9/2010
Status: offline 		Heya girl myself and my Dom just became interested in playing with other girls last year. This is how we do it k he's my Dom and I'm his sub. He knows that I know who is a good idea to play with and who not to go near!I'm saying those not to go near as in people who will take advantage of his being such a nice guy! Were hoping to get engaged this January and we're hoping to move intogether this June/July.I am up for him playing with lots of girls, don't get me wrong I just don't want him to find a girl that will take advantageof the fact that if he asks "are you ok" and if the girl says I need to sit down. My dom will say ok and take her to a chair sit her down after being flogged or whatever and he'll get her a drink, this is because he believes after working on another he should get them something to drink as he wants them to be sitting and not in harms way!! Anyone can see how that could go awol for him!
I think aslong as you've trust and honesty in someone and love them, then you shouldn't ever need to feel that he'll walk off with another girl! Most people will say that Love is the strongest bond and it is I think!

(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)
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RE: How does a slave deal with the emotional side of Po... - 4/9/2011 3:46:33 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 8119
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Your situation sound like "dominant chasing his dick." See http://www.collarchat.com/m_3586242/mpage_1/tm.htm

This doesn't sound like ethical poly to me. This sounds like him, as you say, "fucking everything that moves" and you are the maid.

I recommend you read posts by LadyNTrainer, LadyPact, and KnightofMists on ethical poly.

See also SweetDommes on using poly as an excuse for cheating: http://www.collarchat.com/m_3627740/mpage_3/tm.htm


(in reply to danaeisabadgirl)
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RE: How does a slave deal with the emotional side of Po... - 4/9/2011 4:02:24 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 8119
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		See also:
Slaves with poly limits
Need some advice

(in reply to kalikshama)
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RE: How does a slave deal with the emotional side of Po... - 4/9/2011 5:32:51 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 20304
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		"So it's a part of everything, his being able to fuck anything that moves, should he want to."

That statement speaks volumes.  You are not on board with this at all, and resent it.

"I cant be 25 years old again, those days are oh so gone....and no matter how many times i'm told i should feel secure about my place in his life, i wonder, what if he meets super girl...who can do everything i can..and even do it better. Thats my job..putting the smile on his face, making him happy....

what's left for me? laundry, dishes? "

You feel that there is nothing for you in a poly relationship.  Which is odd because you identify as bi.

To be very blunt, your post comes across as someone who is desperate for a relationship, and has pushed herself into being a slave because that's what he wants and is willing to accept poly even though it should be a hard limit because it's what he wants.

So:

What's in it for you, being a slave?
What's in it for you, being in a poly relationship?


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to kalikshama)
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RE: How does a slave deal with the emotional side of Po... - 4/9/2011 6:07:05 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 2630
Joined: 3/22/2011
Status: offline 		We only have your side of the story here, but I suspect previous posters are correct, this does not sound like ethical poly to me.  It sounds like someone chasing his dick and claiming it's poly as a way to emotionally bludgeon you into submission.

You seem very unhappy and resentful, as well you should be. I suggest asking him to read the threads posted above and asking him what he thinks of them. His answers (or his refusal to even read them) should speak volumes to you.

Best of luck.






_____________________________

I am highly opinionated, sarcastic, irreverent and could give a rat's ass about what's PC. *Deal with it*

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: How does a slave deal with the emotional side of Po... - 4/9/2011 9:00:02 AM   
SpiritedRadiance


Posts: 1249
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline 		All comments on his being a jerk and whatever aside, this is a perfect case of taking personal responsibility for your actions..... Not just growling and calling her Dom the big bad anything... For All anyone knows thats her perception of what hes doing Not what hes doing...

What we do know however....

The OP agreed from the start knowing it would be a poly relationship, she knew from point A that it would be this way. She knew he would be looking. She was completely aware of what this partner wanted from her.

Now OP
You have made this situation for yourself. Take personal responsibility for it, talk with your partner about your feelings, how and whats going on emotionally and physically. And work on why you feel that way.

If it Kills you to be in a relationship where your partner has more then you, then you cant be in a poly relationship, and need to move on to one more healthy for you.


_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: How does a slave deal with the emotional side of Po... - 4/9/2011 9:42:25 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 8119
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		My ex-Dom like to see me with other women at swing clubs. I didn't realize how much I'd hate this until I'd done it. I tried to talk to him (he's not a good listener) and finally had to take a stand - "I'm not coming back unless you agree that I don't have to go to swing clubs." (I was out of town at my mother's.) He agreed.

SR - I agree with you 100% about personal responsibility and that sometimes we jump on the Bad Man bandwagon. However, it sounds like both she didn't realize what she was getting into and his definition of poly is, well, I don't know what to say without getting into a YKINMK convo.

OP - my girlfriend has spent three years being miserable in a situation similar to yours. I keep telling her that he's not going to change, and that she should accept it or move on, no point suffering.

Actually, he did change - he's not flagrant anymore and we suspect he's still fucking everything that moves, just more discretely. She's still not getting her needs met, has less jealousy issues, but more concerns about his truthfulness.

So - would you stay if you knew the situation was going to be unchanged 3 years from now?

< Message edited by kalikshama -- 4/9/2011 9:47:33 AM >

(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)
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RE: How does a slave deal with the emotional side of Po... - 4/9/2011 1:13:46 PM   
danaeisabadgirl


Posts: 8
Joined: 8/14/2009
Status: offline 		Stephen,

I was asking for suggestions about how to help with the emotional side of this..i did not expect that my obviously facetious worst case scenario would be taken so literally...you truly have assumed a lot within your reply, and unfortunately have fallen way off kilter with it too. Your skill level at reading between lines could do with a little work...to put it kindly.

I know what i am, and i dont need you to redefine it for me., and...as far as i know, neither the dictionary defintions of Polyamory nor Bi-sexuality have each other within them on a preclusionary basis.

Funnily enough, he didnt actually have to tie me up and threaten me with disembowment in order to get me to sign the contract...

absolutely shocking...isnt it?



(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: How does a slave deal with the emotional side of Po... - 4/9/2011 1:21:41 PM   
strangedesire


Posts: 358
Joined: 12/23/2008
Status: offline 		I'll ask what DarkSteven is assuming, then, and let you answer it.

Do you want to be in a poly relationship? Or do you want monogamy, but accept poly because it's all he's offering?

To you, this may be an "obviously facetious worst case scenario," but it happens all the time. If you don't tell us which part is actually happening, and which part is something you're afraid of, we won't be able to tell the difference.

_____________________________

On that other site as Exegesis.

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RE: How does a slave deal with the emotional side of Po... - 4/9/2011 1:31:47 PM   
danaeisabadgirl


Posts: 8
Joined: 8/14/2009
Status: offline 		Kalikshama

Absolutely, I would, and will, stay as long as he wants me.

This isn't about trying to get him to change to accomodate what i want or need, quite the opposite in fact. I am trying to find a way to accept this gracefully and deal with it emotionally.

If I have demonized him within the question itself, my bad. I described a worst case scenario.... better to expect the worse and hope for the best, eh?

As I did acknowledge, this was not a surprise, i knew about it up-front, and he is well worth the challenge.

Thank you..btw

(in reply to kalikshama)
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RE: How does a slave deal with the emotional side of Po... - 4/9/2011 1:47:50 PM   
danaeisabadgirl


Posts: 8
Joined: 8/14/2009
Status: offline
My preference would be a one to one relationship, absolutely...

(in reply to strangedesire)
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RE: How does a slave deal with the emotional side of Po... - 4/9/2011 2:12:12 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 5695
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		You made it very hard to know that there were "between the lines" to read and should not be surprised when people take you at your actual word.

If you meant something else, then perhaps that is what you should have said; you could have given us a fair warning that you were only voicing your worst case scenarios. Your post was less obviously facetious than you intended I think.

Having said that, I do not know if he is seeking a third ...or even a fourth, a fifth etc possibilities down the road, and the scenario includes a poly-household or play thay includes you, or if he wishes to play outside of your relationship entirely, or if it might be any combination of the 3.

Do the genders of his other partners matter to you, if he is bisexual?
What assurances has he given to you regarding safer sex practices?

As for the emotional part, I don't know if you are someone who has insecurity/abandonment issues.
That will make it more challenging and those are issues you will need to deal with.

You might try looking at it like this:
You belong to him.
No matter where he is, what he is doing or who he may be with, you belong to him .

You might also try adding this to your thinking (especially if these plans do not include you):
You belong to him and beyond that the rest of it is none of your business.

When he is otherwise occupied, that is a good time to work on an assigned project or task.
Put your energies that you might be spending obsessing into some positive action or activity.



_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DVLR6znrpOU


30 fluffy points!

(in reply to danaeisabadgirl)
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RE: How does a slave deal with the emotional side of Po... - 4/9/2011 2:30:44 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 2630
Joined: 3/22/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: danaeisabadgirl


My preference would be a one to one relationship, absolutely...


It's my opinion that you have your head stuck in the sand. Some people get poly, others don't. If he goes out to dinner without you, do you get all jealous b/c he ate seafood and you didn't? Or are you happy he had the opportunity to enjoy a great meal?

Sorry sweetie, I think Steven (as per usual) called it straight as he saw it. If you are bi and he is poly, why aren't you looking for a sub you BOTH like? Then you would be involved, and far less likely to feel so hurt.

My advice to show him this thread and the links stand. If nothing else, it would be a way to initiate some much needed conversation between you two. Good luck.







_____________________________

I am highly opinionated, sarcastic, irreverent and could give a rat's ass about what's PC. *Deal with it*

(in reply to danaeisabadgirl)
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RE: How does a slave deal with the emotional side of Po... - 4/9/2011 2:53:03 PM   
sagenhaft72


Posts: 1
Joined: 6/3/2010
Status: offline 		My money is on the dom chasing his dick.

I have many interests, but poly isn't one of them. I was involved with a dom for about three months last fall when just as I felt we were getting ready to become more serious, he suddenly announced that he is poly and had in fact been involved with someone else for over a year. Now, up until this point we had not made any declarations of exclusivity, and when we first began seeing each other we were both dating other people. Due to my own time limitations I chose to focus my energies on him about two months in, but didn't have an expectations of him doing the same until we had talked about it. Turns out given my bi status he was hoping I would be able to get his existing girlfriend on board and we could all be happy together.

SP - as far as the OP being bi doesn't mean that she has any kind of obligation to seek out a mutually agreeable third to make her dom happy if poly isn't her thing. While in my case I was bananas for the guy, as was the other woman and neither of us was initially willing to walk away, in the end what he wanted and in particular how he went about it broke the relationship I had with him, and eventually with her. Ironically enough, she and I hit it off and are now together. Poly will not be part of our dynamic, as that is not our desire.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
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RE: How does a slave deal with the emotional side of Po... - 4/9/2011 2:55:58 PM   
wittynamehere


Posts: 504
Joined: 2/5/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: danaeisabadgirl
no matter how many times i'm told i should feel secure about my place in his life, i wonder...

What did he do to make you mistrust him so much, would be my question.


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I almost never return to a thread, so if you saw my post and want me to hear your reply, please message it to me.

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RE: How does a slave deal with the emotional side of Po... - 4/9/2011 3:04:39 PM   
lizi


Posts: 3012
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: danaeisabadgirl

Stephen,

I was asking for suggestions about how to help with the emotional side of this..i did not expect that my obviously facetious worst case scenario would be taken so literally...you truly have assumed a lot within your reply, and unfortunately have fallen way off kilter with it too. Your skill level at reading between lines could do with a little work...to put it kindly.

I know what i am, and i dont need you to redefine it for me., and...as far as i know, neither the dictionary defintions of Polyamory nor Bi-sexuality have each other within them on a preclusionary basis.

Funnily enough, he didnt actually have to tie me up and threaten me with disembowment in order to get me to sign the contract...

absolutely shocking...isnt it?





Reading between the lines is usually not something you'd like others to do, assumptions can be so annoying and wrong. Your responsibility within this written medium is to communicate clearly since this is all your audience has to go on. You stated a premise in the opening post, going by that I would have also said that you were very unhappy about your Master taking new women into his life. You seemed very hurt and upset. The replies that followed that post were pretty much on target with what you gave them to go on. Your journal definitely reinforces that you do not want what is happening in your relationship and mightily upset over it. You are putting out certain information and then lambasting those people who take it for what it is.

SpiritedRadiance mentioned personal responsibility...that's an important concept here. You knew he wanted poly going in and chose to overlook it. It's time to put up and shut up or walk out. You can't expect him to change something he told you was a part of things, and you also can't be untrue to yourself in a fundamental way. Only you know if it's something that you can do or not. If not, you owe it to him to leave. He took you on thinking you were ok with it. What about the woman entering the relationship? She'll be confronted with your negative feelings and ambiguity about the situation, that's might unfair to her as well as your Master. Do the ethical thing and see if it's really something you can do with a positive attitude or go.

In fact the personal responsibility thing seems to be a common thread running through this discussion and perhaps a personal weakness of yours? At first you told your Master that you'd like to be with him, knowing that he wanted poly, now you're not so sure. Here in this discussion you set up a premise, then came back later to say oh no...you all had it wrong. I guess we're all supposed to be mind readers and not take you at your word.
Time for a bit of inward reflection perhaps?

(in reply to danaeisabadgirl)
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RE: How does a slave deal with the emotional side of Po... - 4/9/2011 3:14:14 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 20304
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I failed to detect your sarcasm/worst case scenario as what it was.  I simply sensed bitterness and resignation.

It is entirely possible that you are delighted with your relationship and derive joy from it.  But I never saw that in your post.

I stand by what I said.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: How does a slave deal with the emotional side of Po... - 4/9/2011 4:00:53 PM   
danaeisabadgirl


Posts: 8
Joined: 8/14/2009
Status: offline
As a contracted slave, it is not an option for me to walk out, ever.... My Master is the only one that can make that choice to have me leave...

I knew what i was walking into from the beginning, and I have not expected him to change anything about himself...I am the one that melds to fit his needs and that's exactly what I am trying to do right now. I'm not battling this, i'm trying to figure out how to make it work. That right there, is personal responsibility..and no where in my posts have I deviated from that. I havent suggested that my Master should change anything about himself or the way he does things..only that I should.

I appreciate the few of you that did give some helpful advice.

I wont jump in the water next time when i see the sharks circling.




(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 20
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