RE: Your interpretation of poly

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RE: Your interpretation of poly

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RE: Your interpretation of poly - 5/24/2011 6:43:44 AM

xssve

Posts: 3125
Joined: 10/10/2009
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I think a nicely balanced dynamic is what everybody wants (or most, or at least many), but whether you can achieve that or not is greatly dependent on that maturity of the people involved - the ones I've seen really work like that were people who had known each other for a really long time, and presumably there were few surprises left in terms of hidden personality facets.

(in reply to xssve)

Post #: 41

RE: Your interpretation of poly - 5/24/2011 7:33:02 AM

LadyNTrainer

Posts: 1584
Joined: 5/20/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aynne88
It can surely be possible though, I just don't think that all the women in triads are quite as happy as they profess to be.

What, exactly, would be my motivation for saying that we were all quite content and happy with one another in our poly triad if this wasn't true? As a professional, frankly I would benefit more from presenting myself as potentially available rather than quite blissfully occupied with the partners I want to spend the rest of my life with.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Aynne88)

Post #: 42

RE: Your interpretation of poly - 5/24/2011 3:40:03 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 16506
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

quote:

quote:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aynne88
It can surely be possible though, I just don't think that all the women in triads are quite as happy as they profess to be.

What, exactly, would be my motivation for saying that we were all quite content and happy with one another in our poly triad if this wasn't true? As a professional, frankly I would benefit more from presenting myself as potentially available rather than quite blissfully occupied with the partners I want to spend the rest of my life with.

If I may LnT...
I believe Aynne was referring to submissive women who are the "golden unicorn"... those gals often get the short stick and end up unhappy and leaving. I could be wrong, and I'm sure Aynne will hit me over the head with a clue by four if that is the case.

From her post, number 5:

quote:

I am talking about actual relationships with the female submissive having 2 or more male partners.

She's been talking about how submissive women are not permitted (her word) to have poly relationships with other men. It is the dom men having 2 sub women and saying YAY for poly and the sub women who are in the position of having to share him but not being permitted to be with other guys.

best,
sunshine
(edited for clarity)

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 5/24/2011 4:11:50 PM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to LadyNTrainer)

Post #: 43

RE: Your interpretation of poly - 5/24/2011 7:11:14 PM

0ldhen

Posts: 2218
Joined: 12/27/2010
From: Henhouse in Trolltopia, Harleyville USA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyNTrainer

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aynne88
It can surely be possible though, I just don't think that all the women in triads are quite as happy as they profess to be.

What, exactly, would be my motivation for saying that we were all quite content and happy with one another in our poly triad if this wasn't true? As a professional, frankly I would benefit more from presenting myself as potentially available rather than quite blissfully occupied with the partners I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I've seen this one many times. It many a D/s household, even among those who post on the boards, it is unacceptable to air "dirty laundry" in public.

_____________________________

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Za'beeta Regal, Et Vogo O' Lurwadra'd Wyka Go Abosh Inunsey.

(in reply to LadyNTrainer)

Post #: 44

RE: Your interpretation of poly - 5/25/2011 7:37:47 AM

xssve

Posts: 3125
Joined: 10/10/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyNTrainer

What, exactly, would be my motivation for saying that we were all quite content and happy with one another in our poly triad if this wasn't true? As a professional, frankly I would benefit more from presenting myself as potentially available rather than quite blissfully occupied with the partners I want to spend the rest of my life with.

"Rockstar" syndrome?

I'm inclined to agree with Ayn (to the board in general, not you specifically LadyNTrainer) if you have unhappy subs at home while you're out catting around, I'd be tempted to conclude you aren't taking care of business - don't know why anybody would want to join a neglected harem unless you're a real emotional masochist.

If you stick around for that, maybe you are.

(in reply to LadyNTrainer)

Post #: 45

RE: Your interpretation of poly - 5/25/2011 8:27:47 PM

Aynne88

Posts: 3623
Joined: 8/29/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

quote:

quote:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aynne88
It can surely be possible though, I just don't think that all the women in triads are quite as happy as they profess to be.

What, exactly, would be my motivation for saying that we were all quite content and happy with one another in our poly triad if this wasn't true? As a professional, frankly I would benefit more from presenting myself as potentially available rather than quite blissfully occupied with the partners I want to spend the rest of my life with.
If I may LnT...
I believe Aynne was referring to submissive women who are the "golden unicorn"... those gals often get the short stick and end up unhappy and leaving. I could be wrong, and I'm sure Aynne will hit me over the head with a clue by four if that is the case.

From her post, number 5:

quote:

I am talking about actual relationships with the female submissive having 2 or more male partners.

She's been talking about how submissive women are not permitted (her word) to have poly relationships with other men. It is the dom men having 2 sub women and saying YAY for poly and the sub women who are in the position of having to share him but not being permitted to be with other guys.

best,
sunshine
(edited for clarity)

You nailed it gorgeous! Yep.

_____________________________

Life is as dear to a mute creature as it is to man. Just as one wants happiness and fears pain, just as one wants to live and not die, so do other creatures.

His Holiness The Dalai Lama

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 46

RE: Your interpretation of poly - 5/26/2011 3:23:50 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
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i've been thinking on this...
i think the idea that a sub/slave woman could choose her own 'stable' of Doms is unrealistic...
unless you regard it as realistic that a woman might date many cyber Doms at the same time... or accept cheating as an alternative

i think for the sub/slave woman to have multiple real life partners it is more likely that her Dom would:
1. let another Dom use her in order to learn the 'ropes' himself
2. share her with his friends... and maybe/hopefully let her have a say in which friends she prefers
3. takes her to clubs to be used by others, maybe even on her request
4. allows her to have a lover on the side who will be lower in status than her Dom and easily dumped when no longer desired

(in reply to Aynne88)

Post #: 47

RE: Your interpretation of poly - 5/30/2011 7:57:36 PM

akisha

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Joined: 6/25/2005
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~FR~

my interpretation.....

Having the ability to be honest with yourself that one person can not possibly fulfill all your needs and therefore being able to embrace more then one person in a loving, intimate (in varying degrees) relationship with more then one person in a healthy, honest open way between all involved.

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(in reply to ranja)

Post #: 48

RE: Your interpretation of poly - 5/30/2011 8:20:44 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 16506
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja

i've been thinking on this...
i think the idea that a sub/slave woman could choose her own 'stable' of Doms is unrealistic...
unless you regard it as realistic that a woman might date many cyber Doms at the same time... or accept cheating as an alternative

i think for the sub/slave woman to have multiple real life partners it is more likely that her Dom would:
1. let another Dom use her in order to learn the 'ropes' himself
2. share her with his friends... and maybe/hopefully let her have a say in which friends she prefers
3. takes her to clubs to be used by others, maybe even on her request
4. allows her to have a lover on the side who will be lower in status than her Dom and easily dumped when no longer desired

I don't think it's unrealistic, nor do I think it has to be cheating.

Hey, baby, I'm happy to go out with you and have a little fun and such, but you gotta know that there are other folks in my life.

Cool. But what do you mean "in your life"?

Well, there's the Dom that likes to mess around with my whole orgasm stuff - denial / control, etc. I dig that, so that's where our relationship is. I have another fellow who really is interested in doing more day to day control stuff with me, and he isn't really into the sexual. I run my food and schedule stuff by him, making changes based on his wishes. And then there's the guy I just play with - that's just topping and bottoming, but we like it. A couple of times a year, I meet a guy where we do crazy wild humiliation scenes for a full weekend and then go back to our lives, but during those 3 days, he TOTALLY controls everything. Right now, I'm looking for someone who is into tapping into my daddy / little girl kind of stuff. It's why I was interested in meeting you.

Oh, ok. So you are saying you have all these guys - do they know about each other?

Yep. Of course they do. I don't lie about that. I just keep some things seperate. They all know about each other and they know it makes me happy. And let's face it, they are happy, I'm happy. It's all above board and fabu.

She is totally in charge of her life but has agreements to parcel out certain aspects to different doms - based on the pleasure of the men and her own pleasures.

Seems reasonable to me.

ETA: I've seen this kind of thing in real life a couple of times. People on CM tend to be more ... sharp with their relationships and not have the level of fluidity that I have witnessed in real life. The people I know tend to be complex and recognize the complexity of relationships and don't want to throw the baby out with the bath water.

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 5/30/2011 8:22:50 PM >

_____________________________

¿me preguntas por que compro arroz y flores? compro arroz para vivir y flores para tener algo por lo que vivir.
~Confucio

Yes, I am a wonton hussy.

Head Hib Harem Hottie

(in reply to ranja)

Post #: 49

RE: Your interpretation of poly - 5/30/2011 9:14:46 PM

orchid77

Posts: 122
Joined: 5/20/2011
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My interpretation is polyamory is a group of individuals who choose to live in multiple relationships for whatever reason for example living the lifestyle or sex. What I don't like, is how poly indivduals join polygmous websites claiming to be polygamous. Which I believe they are not (again my opinion and won't be changing that opinion)...I have head some polygamous complain that polyamory families should go to polyamory websites and not mix it up with polygamy. Otherwise to each or her own.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 50

RE: Your interpretation of poly - 7/17/2011 8:55:06 PM

subtlyAlpha

Posts: 41
Joined: 7/14/2011
From: The United States
Status: offline

~FR~

I recently had a chat with a Dom that helped me cement my thoughts around polyamoury.

I was monogamous for YEARS in my (ex) marriage - and it suffocated me. I've come to accept the fact that I'm 'hard-wired' to be poly - and there is just no way for me to ignore that without ignoring aspects of myself.

For me - polyamoury translates to open sexual relationships with multiple people that I love. *wrygrin* Love isn't always romantic, as it can exist without sex or romance being involved - ask any parent or sibling!
Relationships - well I consider friendship to be a very valid relationship, despite the common tendency for relationship to equal romantically involved - and I can honestly say I've never had sex with someone who didn't have the potential to be a friend. So, I guess my poly is a bit of polyfuckery - I love sexual energy. I love experiencing and engaging in that energy with people that I like and love. I'd love to have sex with MOST of my friends, and I often encounter people I want to be friends with. Mind you, it doesn't always happen - but the energy - and the potential - is always there - and that's something that I NEED. I'm one of those folks who manages to remain friends with virtually all of my ex's because I liked them BEYOND who they were in a 'relationship' with me.
Sexual? The usual definition - genitals, hands, lips, minds, arousal, orgasm.
Open, for me means that EVERYONE knows that I'm engaging (or may engage) in sexual relationships with others. They might not know each other - but they know that I'm not monogamous - and if they ever asked or desired about the details, I would provide them, without shame.

The interesting bit that I've encountered (highlighted by the conversation with this Dom) is that a LOT of men have a 'one penis policy'. Mind you, he was interested in a sub joining a poly household (Himself and his sub) but the fact that I have a vanilla poly boyfriend (who is married, and who I am GREAT friends with his straight wife - even when we kick her out of bed!) - was utterly unacceptable to him. So, he had a mindset that he was free to have sex with multiple women, but his women could only have sex with him. And, to be fair, I assume each other - but he neatly avoiding answering my questions about f/f sexual encounters.

I don't think that I could balance having more than one Dominant - but, if they were long-distance, and in agreement with each others handling of me - why not? I utterly reject the concept that loving one means that I cannot love another. And I refuse to enter into a relationship will I will be shamed or need to hide the fact that I love freely, joyously, and sexually.

K.

< Message edited by subtlyAlpha -- 7/17/2011 9:07:16 PM >

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My opinions/clarifications relate to me and my dynamic/potential dynamic, and those involved in it. No one else. Srsly.

(in reply to orchid77)

Post #: 51

RE: Your interpretation of poly - 7/17/2011 9:01:02 PM

possessedone

Posts: 62
Joined: 8/28/2007
Status: offline

I see polyamoury as the desire to love more than one person in a romantic all encompassing way while being honest, open, and willing to communicate at all times. Just because a person has the desire to be polyamourous does not mean they have the ability. A person needs to know themselves before starting any relationship, and especially before starting multiple relationships.

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 52

RE: Your interpretation of poly - 7/18/2011 3:44:18 AM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6389
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

She's been talking about how submissive women are not permitted (her word) to have poly relationships with other men. It is the dom men having 2 sub women and saying YAY for poly and the sub women who are in the position of having to share him but not being permitted to be with other guys.

this is the way i've most often encountered it, and it rubs me the wrong way. when people are genuinely happy in arrangements like this, then more power to them. but more often than not, you meet people who aren't (probably because they're very vocal and are complaining, which skews any conclusion admittedly, but hey -- that's the world we live in)
for all i know, the people next door could be in a very happy poly triad and i just don't know about it because they are happy. but in my experience, "poly" tends to work out as a man wanting lots of women, and expecting the women to "be good subbies or 'sister slaves'" and deal with it. so of course they say "hooray poly! see it's working for us!" while the women secretly snap at each other.

i'm not terribly interested in poly for this reason. at least not in conjunction with an authority dynamic. i HAVE actually seen poly situations without authority involved and it works out well for them. i think sometimes people in authority dynamics are afraid to admit their own insecurity, so they legislate it out of existence by saying that the women are not entitled to having more partners (unless those partners are the other women), but then they turn on a dime and say that that kind of insecurity has no place in poly, and that they themselves lack it. =p and they justify themselves by saying "well i have needs that one person can't fulfill" -- well what about the women involved? isn't it terribly arrogant, then, to assume that you fulfill all of their needs? =p

that said, the late Person was poly (he also wasn't upfront about it and sprung it on me later, which was my only problem with him; though honestly, if he'd told me in the beginning, i probably would've wandered off and missed out on getting to know him) and i did accept that about him, because he was VERY important to me. it was just a part of who he was, like being vegetarian is part of who i am. =p plus, i was never emotionally "left out in the cold" with him, and he never assumed he'd just add in a random girl and everything would be fine; he wanted a functional family in which people loved each other and his girl (me) was just as excited to have this other person along as he was. so i don't automatically write off poly people because i know that they are not all the same, and it can all work out even if it's initially uncomfortable.
i came to a point where i saw it as being a positive thing (which was weird for me to admit, haha =p)

to me, "polyamory" means romantic love and sex together. i can love all sorts of people, my family members, friends, etc, but i don't consider myself polyamorous because it's not romantic love. this idea that poly people are "superior" because they can love more than one person is silly because so can a romantically monogamous person. =p even if i'm dating someone i still love my mom. haha
i still have just as loving a heart as anyone else, i just apply that love in different ways than a polyamorous person.
it also is not always about something negative like control or being run by jealousy or something like that, either. some people are just wired differently.

i think it happens best in an organic fashion; when people come together and feel something very real for each other. but when a man gets into the lifestyle because he believes he can build a harem and submissive women will just "deal with it," it's bound to fail.

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 53

RE: Your interpretation of poly - 7/19/2011 6:34:41 PM

catize

Posts: 2585
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja

i've been thinking on this...
i think the idea that a sub/slave woman could choose her own 'stable' of Doms is unrealistic...
unless you regard it as realistic that a woman might date many cyber Doms at the same time... or accept cheating as an alternative

i think for the sub/slave woman to have multiple real life partners it is more likely that her Dom would:
1. let another Dom use her in order to learn the 'ropes' himself
2. share her with his friends... and maybe/hopefully let her have a say in which friends she prefers
3. takes her to clubs to be used by others, maybe even on her request
4. allows her to have a lover on the side who will be lower in status than her Dom and easily dumped when no longer desired

Hmmm, how is it 'unrealistic'? There are 3 dominants in my life, they are not cyber, they are aware of each other and nobody cheats! I chose them and would like to believe they chose me because of my honesty, not in spite of it.
When one calls and asks for time with me, if I tell them I can't because I have already made plans with one of the others, they are good with that and we set another time and day.
I really am disturbed that poly-fuckery is seen as sneaking around. I may not be capable of 'love' but I am capable of great friendships with all 3 of them.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to ranja)

Post #: 54

RE: Your interpretation of poly - 7/20/2011 12:58:37 AM

HannahLynHeather

Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
Status: offline

quote:

i've been thinking on this...
i think the idea that a sub/slave woman could choose her own 'stable' of Doms is unrealistic...
unless you regard it as realistic that a woman might date many cyber Doms at the same time... or accept cheating as an alternative

when it comes to the possibilities of the various fucking combinations imaginable between consenting and loving human beings, nothing is unrealistic. unlikely? perhaps, but not unrealistic.

_____________________________

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i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

(in reply to ranja)

Post #: 55

RE: Your interpretation of poly - 8/22/2011 12:12:29 PM

LonePrince

Posts: 2
Joined: 9/12/2010
Status: offline

To me it and my girlfriend it means many loves.
Which means more than 1 person you are attatched too emotionally, who is attatched to you emotionally as well.In its basic sense

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 56

RE: Your interpretation of poly - 8/22/2011 9:05:15 PM

CrazyCats

Posts: 111
Joined: 2/15/2009
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To me polyamory means "more than one love." Love in this sense, to me, is an adult relationship. Even if actual "sex" is not involved, it implies more than friendship or family love.

I never really fell in with the notion of "one true love" in life. Too many people fall in love, fall out of love, and fall back in love with someone else for "one true love" to be anything more than so rare that it is more like seeing a double rainbow. Sure it can happen. My best friend married his high school sweetheart, never had anything more than a few dates prior to her and neither wanted to look elsewhere for an adult relationship beyond friends. That's pretty much picture book ideal for monogamy, and it doesn't work for everyone.

We are all unique, as are our relationships. What works for some secretly hurts others while outright doesn't work for yet more people. That applies to more than just poly. One could easily say that because there is an abundance of abuse and a blurry concept of consent at times in BDSM that it doesn't actually work for anyone and the subs are secretly hurting but holding it in our of fear of loss and loneliness (or punishment). Over generalization is a bad idea. Life is not that simple.

Let's flip the suffering tables here. There is a good chance that a poly person could fall for a mono person. Everything is fine enough, and when the poly person finally wants to add another to the relationship, the mono person rejects the idea completely. "It's either me alone, or I'm outta here!" The poly person could easily decide to set aside the poly-ness to keep the mono person. Then they would be the unhappy one, quietly keeping that unhappiness to themselves because they love the mono person.

Point is that no one is happy with everything. We all have preferences, for what ever reason. (Biology, economic, law, religion... the way the moon and the stars align...) The point of a healthy relationship is to share your preferences with another. It is extremely rare for two people to have exactly 100% compatible preferences. That leads to a simple choice: Ignore those preferences, bargain for what is preferred with their significant other, or seek fulfillment with another person by either cheating, swinging (poly-fuckery), or some form of poly. The answer to that choice is up to the individual. Some are easier to ignore than others. Some preferences grow on the mind as time passes. Some can be bargained for.

You're a special, unique, individual snowflake, just like everyone else!

As for why subs don't usually have multiple doms... "No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money." ~ Luke 16:13
(Yes, there is a certain amount of irony in an atheist quoting the Bible as an answer to a "why" question.)
It's not so much that it cannot happen, as that it is rather rare. It would be a difficult thing to balance. I quoted that line because it is indicative of a long standing bias.

Dominant personalities tend to be possessive and protective. Note that I said "tend to be," not "are." That tendency leads more towards a single dominant with submissives. However, this is not always the case. I, for one, have no problems with my wife dominating our third. I would find it rather amusing, to be honest. I wouldn't mind watching that at some point... Anyways, moving right along! It all depends upon the people involved. Dominants can work together, it just doesn't happen as often. (Annie recently had her first "domme" impulse after watching Thor. She really wants to punish Natalie Portman. A lot. Yes, I was really amused by her verbal "blow by blow" style of describing what she wanted to do to the poor actress.)

_____________________________

quote:

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Severities should be dealt out all at once, so that their suddenness may give less offense; benefits ought to be handed out drop by drop, so that they may be relished the more.

(in reply to LonePrince)

Post #: 57

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