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Questions to Consider - 5/13/2011 5:02:36 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 16506
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Hello folks,
Rather than being vague about thinking about entering a poly relationship, I thought it would be fair to ask what EXACTLY one ought to think about when considering a relationship of this type.

So, what do you think are important things to consider when choosing poly relationships?

What comes to my mind right off the bat are a few things:

Jealousy - both about time and about affection.
Private time - how much do I need? Will this affect the relationship(s)
Honesty - how well do I know the people? Do I know them to be honest with me and with themselves?


I'm not necessarily looking for ANSWERS, more for the questions people ought to consider before they get involved in a poly relationship. I understand that there will be some overlap with questions for monogamous relationships as well as vanilla relationships. I think it would be appropriate to bring those up as well.

Best,
sunshine

_____________________________

¿me preguntas por que compro arroz y flores? compro arroz para vivir y flores para tener algo por lo que vivir.
~Confucio

Yes, I am a wonton hussy.

Head Hib Harem Hottie
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Questions to Consider - 5/13/2011 5:07:00 PM   
sixstringbook


Posts: 10
Joined: 5/8/2011
Status: offline 		I think the first question may be "how am I doing with monogamous relationships?" Too many people who aren't dealing well with the world they have think they can escape to a larger one. It doesn't work well.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Questions to Consider - 5/13/2011 5:43:19 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 20705
Joined: 2/21/2007
Status: offline 		I tend to use the word compatibility a lot.  Maybe I don't explain it as often as I should.

A big one is 'what is your definition of poly' and do those definitions match up for the other people you're dealing with?  It's like any other area where we have one word that has a lot of different interpretations for a lot of people.  If My definition of poly means a closed family unit where sexual interactions are only done under x, y, and z circumstances and I try to match up with somebody who thinks it means 'fuck around, just don't tell anybody', we're going to have big, HUGE issues.

Another is, what do the relationships include between the people involved?  If you have three people in a poly situation, you really have four relationships:

A + B

A + C

B + C

(and) A + B + C

Usually, people pay more attention to the focal point (person A) because that person is the one that brought the situation together in the first place.  Person A (Dominant, Head of Household, whatever) generally does well in their relationship with person B and person C independently.  People forget to remember those other two relationships.  How are they (if ever) going to function as a triad?  What about the independent relationship (if there is one) between B and C?  Are they friends, lovers, acquaintances, roommates?

Does the person/people you are adding to your life have the same characteristics that you would seek out if you were looking for a monogamous relationship?  Does that person/people live up to the standard that you would want if you were looking for a lover, Dom, sub, friend, etc without anyone else being involved?

You're spot on (as far as I'm concerned) about "how well do you really know these people?"  That one kind of applies across the board.




_____________________________

"Come to the edge, She said.
He said that he was afraid.
Come to the edge, She said.
He came. She pushed him,
And he flew . . ."


http://NE2010.net

Now running "Lady Pact's World".

(in reply to sixstringbook)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Questions to Consider - 5/13/2011 9:05:29 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 6903
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		I posted this on another thread started by a couple of unicorn hunters but they're questions that can be adapted to any poly relationship.
  • How will dates with the new person be handled? There will be single dates as well as group dates. How will each of you handle the time alone when the other is out on his/her date?
  • Where will this second slave live? Will she live with you or have her own space?
  • If she lives with you, what will the sleeping arrangements be? Will she have a room of her own while you share one with your current slave or will everyone have separate beds? If she has a room and you share with your current slave, will the new girl have her own night(s) where you sleep in her bed? What will your current slave do and how will she feel on her nights alone?
  • If your new slave lives with you, will she work outside the home? Who will be responsible for which chores? How will the three of you handle finances?
  • If the new girl maintains her own home, which day(s)/night(s) will you spend with her? How will your current slave handle the days/nights you spend away from her?
  • Will you have the opportunity to seek other partners, whether male or female, without your master's involvement?  If not, why not?
  • Will you have "veto power" over prospective partners?  If not, why not?  If so, will there by any limitations on when/how you can use your veto?
  • Will either/both of you be fluid-bonded with any of the other partners?  If so, which partners will be fluid bonded?  Have all of you been tested for diseases?  If not, why not?


_____________________________

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(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: Questions to Consider - 5/14/2011 2:38:36 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 16506
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Really excellent questions. I suppose it is somewhat similar to monogamous / vanilla dating. But the number of relationships creates exponential difficulties.

In the end, I think there are questions that also need to be revised as time passes - and their answers. I'm wondering about the changes and how they will be handled.

Relationships, after all, are not stagnant.

best,
sunshine

_____________________________

¿me preguntas por que compro arroz y flores? compro arroz para vivir y flores para tener algo por lo que vivir.
~Confucio

Yes, I am a wonton hussy.

Head Hib Harem Hottie

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)
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RE: Questions to Consider - 5/14/2011 7:58:47 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 6464
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		This is just off the top of my head...

How do you love a person?... What do you love in a person?... How do you feel loved?

What gives you security in an intimate relationship? What things threaten your relationships?

What are your values and principles? What things do you in admire in others?

What do you bring to a relationship? What do you want from a relatioship?

What can you bring to a poly relationship? What are your seeking to receive from it?

Why do you want it? How do you invision this poly relationship working?

What is your style to communicate... speak and listen?

How comfortable are you with your emotions?... what about emotions of others?

What buttons are there to your emotions?

How do you like to spend time? What are your goals as a person... and as a relationship?


Lastly, I will comment on what LP stated above and I quote it here

quote:

Another is, what do the relationships include between the people involved? If you have three people in a poly situation, you really have four relationships:

A + B

A + C

B + C

(and) A + B + C


Actually... you have alot more relationships than that.... these four relationships have a relationship with everythng around you... your job, your family, your friends, your neighbor, your lawyer, your kids, etc etc etc etc.

We do not live in isolation. Granted... those are the most important... but if you don't have a constructive relationship with outside those four.. that stress will transfer within the four.

lastly... What relationship is the focus and primary! This has huge impact on how everything else fits and affects the others. In my family it is A+B+C.......


_____________________________

Knight of Mists

"Respect.... It is the ability to see people as they are, to be aware of their unique individuality" Eric Fromm

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
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RE: Questions to Consider - 5/14/2011 8:05:23 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 20705
Joined: 2/21/2007
Status: offline 		Good catch, KoM.  I think that one boils down to those thing relating to this:

Are you going to be 'out' about being poly and how are you going to relate to the world?  There can be a whole lot wrapped up in that.


_____________________________

"Come to the edge, She said.
He said that he was afraid.
Come to the edge, She said.
He came. She pushed him,
And he flew . . ."


http://NE2010.net

Now running "Lady Pact's World".

(in reply to KnightofMists)
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RE: Questions to Consider - 5/14/2011 9:41:19 AM   
txurinal


Posts: 209
Joined: 9/26/2009
Status: offline 		What everyone else said. i think it is very important for all involved to know what is & is not expected, what each person's role will be in the relationship and what will be the deal breakers.

Before i entered my MASTERS household permanently, we all went through i guess what would be called a training session for me and a teaching session for them. my MASTERS were each others lover. i was being brought into the household strictly as a slave and that was all i was going to be and all they wanted of me.

THEY often played with other subs and usually i was NOT included. i was often loaned to other MASTERS and had no choice in the matter. Every situation one thnks might arise should really be discussed in advance. It is the only way to ensure all parties will be happy with the relationship

(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: Questions to Consider - 5/14/2011 11:27:49 AM   
hejira92


Posts: 2228
Joined: 10/27/2005
From: Palm Beach County, Fl
Status: offline 		Thanks for a great thread, Sunny. Really great points, everyone.

Sir and I have discussed and dealt with most of them. All we need now is the right third to discuss them with..... Sigh.

Sometimes I get discouraged. But we have so much to give, I know it will happen for us.

_____________________________

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Member:
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MoGa's IN-Crowd

"You're the gleam in my eye, the smile on my face and the bulge in my pants" - Cuffkinks

(in reply to txurinal)
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RE: Questions to Consider - 5/14/2011 12:11:30 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4068
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline 		If a gorgeous, intelligent, funny, outgoing couple like you guys can't find a third, the rest of the world should just hang it up now

Just kidding about the last part, of course, but not the first

luci



_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

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RE: Questions to Consider - 5/14/2011 5:07:03 PM   
Hisprettybaby


Posts: 781
Joined: 4/13/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline 		This a a very good thread. Thanks for starting it. It gives Daddy and I much food for thought while we are searching for our gal. :)

~Hisprettybaby~

(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Questions to Consider - 5/14/2011 5:17:02 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 16506
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Hi everyone - I'm enjoying the thread, too, and appreciate the input!

Luci brings up an interesting point.... Being intimidated by the couple that is already solid. Cuffkinks and Hejira are lovely, good people. (And I am proud to call both of them my friends). They have an amazingly solid relationship. That's as it should be, I think, in order to get in this groove. But what of the other side of that, the person who would be entering into the relationship? That's pretty big. Even as their friend, I have a relationship with her, with him, and with the two of them. It's perfectly comfortable because it's a completely different place to be / role to fill in their world. I imagine that joining a couple, to become an equal partner (different but equal), would be really intimidating.

What of the joining? How does that work? How does the primary relationship NOT engulf the new relationship?

Obviously, I'm not asking anyone to reveal their own truths unless they wanted to. But what kinds of things would one need to consider for that kind of process?

*on another note - to KOM, CK, and H - I usually let folks privately know when I mention them in a thread. I didn't this time. My apologies for tossing your names out there without so much as a by your leave.

best,
sunshine

_____________________________

¿me preguntas por que compro arroz y flores? compro arroz para vivir y flores para tener algo por lo que vivir.
~Confucio

Yes, I am a wonton hussy.

Head Hib Harem Hottie

(in reply to Hisprettybaby)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Questions to Consider - 5/14/2011 8:11:53 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 20705
Joined: 2/21/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss
What of the joining? How does that work? How does the primary relationship NOT engulf the new relationship?

Obviously, I'm not asking anyone to reveal their own truths unless they wanted to. But what kinds of things would one need to consider for that kind of process?

best,
sunshine

We're not really equals on this in one sense where clip is with MP and I.  However, I'm still the person who entered the relationship between clip and his wife.  Here are a few generals that I used to approach that.

I accepted their prior history.  They have far more years in their relationship together than I'm ever going to have.  I understand that there are memories that they share that I don't.  There are little jokes between them that I don't understand the punchline because I wasn't around when the funny thing happened ten years ago.  When these things happen and I'm kind of clueless, I ask.  I get the story shared with Me so that I don't feel like I'm on the outside looking in.

Invite, but don't force.  I've got something of an open door policy.  If there's ever anything she wants to know about the lifestyle that she doesn't understand, the door is always open.  The includes even things I might have to research to get an answer on if they aren't things that I do personally.  She's pretty hands off about it, but she knows that any question about the dynamic just needs to be sent My way.

Make effort, but don't push.  I make sure that she has My email/cell phone number should she ever need it or want it.  She's used it a few times.  I've even been called because clip needed his leash tugged a bit.  At the same time, I don't settle disagreements between them.  My authority over clip doesn't trod over her.


_____________________________

"Come to the edge, She said.
He said that he was afraid.
Come to the edge, She said.
He came. She pushed him,
And he flew . . ."


http://NE2010.net

Now running "Lady Pact's World".

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Questions to Consider - 5/14/2011 10:34:08 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 6464
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Luci brings up an interesting point.... Being intimidated by the couple that is already solid.


I suppose that is true to a degree.... but consider this from a diffrent view point.... would one be less indtimidated if the couple was 'Unstable'?

Do you build a house on quicksand? Or do you seek solid ground to build it upon?


quote:


*on another note - to KOM, CK, and H - I usually let folks privately know when I mention them in a thread. I didn't this time. My apologies for tossing your names out there without so much as a by your leave.

best,
sunshine


no apology needed.... I am regularly mentioned in vain.... It's rather pleasant when done otherwise... regardless if I know before or afterwards.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

"Respect.... It is the ability to see people as they are, to be aware of their unique individuality" Eric Fromm

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Questions to Consider - 5/14/2011 10:55:59 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 6464
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		Just to follow up on the question of being Intimidated by a solid relationship....

I don't believe its so much an issue of the relationship solid that is the issue.... as can the relationship adapt, change and grow beyond what is there. Are they solid yes... but is there room to let another person in.

consider this.. and I believe I gave this advice to others in the past. When you decide to move the sofa in your living room... what will also have to move? Take the sofa and put it over on the other wall and look how many changes you will have to make. The room is still the same shape.. but yet it is 'different' none the less. Bringing another is not alot different than moving your sofa. It's a relationship! but it will be and is different than before! Some things will be the same... some things will be similiar... but there will be much that is changed! The question becomes ... can you embrace the change?.... so for one entering into a solid couple relationship... ask... can they embrace the change and evolve into the different relationship you all will become upon that solid foundation? Or are they stagnate or stuck in the solid ground they stand upon?



_____________________________

Knight of Mists

"Respect.... It is the ability to see people as they are, to be aware of their unique individuality" Eric Fromm

(in reply to KnightofMists)
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RE: Questions to Consider - 5/15/2011 3:59:52 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 16506
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Hello Knight -
Yes, I agree - it would be bad bad bad to join with an unstable couple. Of course, but the way you put the metaphor out there with the moving furniture. Really helpful!

Can you embrace the change? I suppose this is where I get caught up with the poly thing... intimidation.... etc. I see so many people saying they want it, looking for it, and I also see how they often lie to themselves. They won't / can't embrace the change despite wishing they could, deluding themselves as it were. There's more I'd like to say, but it's rather personal and private, so I'll just pass that up.

It seems to me that even the searching, if done with some really strong minded individuals who are deeply brave about looking at themselves, can be a relationship-strengthener. I imagine it would take a pretty strong individual to step into that place.

I'm not sure why, but I keep thinking about Bruce Lee and "Be like water."

best,
sunshine

_____________________________

¿me preguntas por que compro arroz y flores? compro arroz para vivir y flores para tener algo por lo que vivir.
~Confucio

Yes, I am a wonton hussy.

Head Hib Harem Hottie

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Questions to Consider - 5/16/2011 2:23:38 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		hello sunshine... are you just making conversation or are you considering poly?
i thought you said it was not for you...are you reconsidering your stance on it?

anyway... i think for a single person to join a couple it is of course vastly different than for the already established couple to decide to have somebody join them.

the single only has to have their own permission and their own opinion about the other people and their own gut feeling to consider
while the couple have to be in agreement with each other right from the start which makes the decision for the couple more tricky and compromised i think.

If it is live-in it will be way more intense than living appart... i would presume it would be best started with dating... but reading these boards it seems that many people are keen to move other people straight into their houses... i think slowly slowly is always better and i personally would be put off by people pushing too much... but for the single person joining.. to be kept out a long time because the couple need so much time, well that might make them feel like they are being strung along without much commitment, which is not so nice either.

if there are two couples pairing up and they have children too... strict house rules should be adhered to... otherwise it would just become a total mess with nobody knowing what goes on anymore... then the danger is that there might be so many rules that the whole venture becomes quite cumbersome and more work and quite cagey having to stick to rules and rotas all the time...maybe taking the fun out of the equation.

What i think is tricky too is the love...
would it be better to have fallen in love with the person you are thinking about getting together with before you commence to make an alliance with them and so maybe choosing wrong because love is clouding your judgement...
or is it better to attract the most suitable person(s) you can find, forge a relationship and hope that the love will eventually grow?

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Questions to Consider - 5/16/2011 6:27:25 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		Then there is also the possibility of one of the partners of the couple wanting poly but the other is not bothered or even against it...
the question then is who will make the compromise...
and if the one who doesn't want it gets their way...
will they ever trust the other?
and is the other gonna sacrifice their desire for always?
or should they split up because eventhough they love eachother now and everything is fine... in the future there might be an issue over this... so why waste time?

back to the love thing... would you fall inlove first and then make a relationship
or forge the poly relationship first and wait for the love thing to happen later?

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Questions to Consider - 5/16/2011 6:34:16 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		this is a bit like talking to my Husband... He doesn't really (want to) hear a lot of what i am saying either...

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Questions to Consider - 5/16/2011 3:01:55 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 23773
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

Hello Knight -
Yes, I agree - it would be bad bad bad to join with an unstable couple. Of course, but the way you put the metaphor out there with the moving furniture. Really helpful!

Can you embrace the change? I suppose this is where I get caught up with the poly thing... intimidation.... etc. I see so many people saying they want it, looking for it, and I also see how they often lie to themselves. They won't / can't embrace the change despite wishing they could, deluding themselves as it were. There's more I'd like to say, but it's rather personal and private, so I'll just pass that up.

It seems to me that even the searching, if done with some really strong minded individuals who are deeply brave about looking at themselves, can be a relationship-strengthener. I imagine it would take a pretty strong individual to step into that place.

I'm not sure why, but I keep thinking about Bruce Lee and "Be like water."

best,
sunshine


I love that part Sunny.

Being open to change, that is something that has been a difficult lesson in many ways for G.D.. He likes to know what to expect. He hates surprises. But he also doesn't want details that do not involve him and hates communicating with strangers via the net. Put him in a roomful of people, regardless of whether he knows them, and he is happy as can be and often the life of the party.

If I am getting to know someone via the net, he usually is clueless. Only when I think there might be something concrete, actual time spent together, do I tell him about it. When it comes to everyone spending time together, it's often them sitting and talking like magpies and me doing something else. My woulda coulda, from Vancover, and he, sat up long after I went to bed, watching ancient freak movies and talking long after I went to bed.

The key for ME, is to take time. Allow everyone to get to know one another as human beings. And communicate communicate communicate.

I always ask what their vision is. All too often it's just completely unrealistic and I know it is a waste of time to proceed.
I ask what their life goals are outside of the relationship.
I ask if they have family members they have any responsibility for.
I ask about work and health issues.
I need to know if they smoke, or will stop if they do.
If they have drug or alcohol issues.
Mental health issues.
What their hobbies are.
Do they feel the need to be an active part of a BDSM scene?

A whole host of things that will tell me if I think they will gel into my life and home.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 5/16/2011 3:03:09 PM >

_____________________________

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
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