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RE: please don't rip me apart... - 5/16/2011 6:36:35 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 8005
Joined: 2/11/2007
Status: online 		Can you help clear something up?   “Master's orders … post how she feels on here. this girl needs help.”
Did your Master try to help you but failed and sent you to us?
. . . or did your Master basically tell you to go fix it yourself?

_____________________________

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"It's a whip my dear . . . it's supposed to hurt."

(in reply to seekingpolyhelp)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: please don't rip me apart... - 5/16/2011 6:43:06 PM   
wittynamehere


Posts: 504
Joined: 2/5/2010
Status: offline 		OP, you're just not ready for this, period. Sorry, but you need to mature and work on your communication skills, before this can be anything but a complete disaster with broken hearts and ruined lives.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss
You say you want to make your guy happy. What is he doing to make you happy? Hmmm?

Did you skip the part where the OP mentioned that she is the submissive in the relationship?


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(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: please don't rip me apart... - 5/16/2011 6:44:35 PM   
BonesFromAsh


Posts: 1358
Joined: 6/17/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wittynamehere

OP, you're just not ready for this, period. Sorry, but you need to mature and work on your communication skills, before this can be anything but a complete disaster with broken hearts and ruined lives.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss
You say you want to make your guy happy. What is he doing to make you happy? Hmmm?

Did you skip the part where the OP mentioned that she is the submissive in the relationship?



Does that negate her happiness?

(in reply to wittynamehere)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: please don't rip me apart... - 5/16/2011 7:04:04 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 16506
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wittynamehere

OP, you're just not ready for this, period. Sorry, but you need to mature and work on your communication skills, before this can be anything but a complete disaster with broken hearts and ruined lives.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss
You say you want to make your guy happy. What is he doing to make you happy? Hmmm?

Did you skip the part where the OP mentioned that she is the submissive in the relationship?



No, I didn't skip that at all. I'm just not one that thinks that allowing a submissive to be miserable is a part of the Dominant creed. I don't think you are one of those people either.

The OP shows a very unhappy woman who is in an unhealthy situation. For me, I wanted to reminded her that her own happiness is a part of the equation... or it is in my world. Generally speaking, people don't stay where they are unhappy. If his behavior is making her miserable, at some point she is either going to accept misery or she is going to leave.

best,
sunshine


_____________________________

¿me preguntas por que compro arroz y flores? compro arroz para vivir y flores para tener algo por lo que vivir.
~Confucio

Yes, I am a wonton hussy.

Head Hib Harem Hottie

(in reply to wittynamehere)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: please don't rip me apart... - 5/16/2011 8:59:32 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 5969
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hejira92

I see red flags all around. I will be blunt.



You do your man proud with this advice! You should post on this side more often!


_____________________________

Leadership527 to me "You're like some unholy union between an improv comedian and .... well... a perverted sadist."

(in reply to hejira92)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: please don't rip me apart... - 5/16/2011 9:58:22 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 20705
Joined: 2/21/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wittynamehere
Did you skip the part where the OP mentioned that she is the submissive in the relationship?


I know this wasn't directed at Me, but I wanted to say a few words on this comment.

I'm the last person to skip the part that the OP said she was submissive.  It's part of the whole deal when subjects come across these boards for Me.  I feel that it is a factor that must be added in.

If I were poly, and only poly, where all of the members of this relationship had the same input, the same authority, I'd see things in a much different light.  Without a power dynamic involved, I'd have had a much different answer for the OP.

The thing is, I'm not.  I have never been involved in a poly relationship where a D/s component did not exist.  In ways, this makes the answers easier for Me.  When someone is My submissive, I <gasp> actually expect them to, ya know...... submit.  Beyond doubt, I think anybody should vote with their feet if a situation isn't acceptable to them.  That option is always available..... every day.

In the meantime, I'm still a Dominant.  In it's most basic form, I set up this situation (with help from MP) and more or less said, "this is what is available to have a relationship with Me".  If you can't do it, that's cool.  At the same time, if you want to do this, you *must* automatically accept that I am poly.  While I will take time with you and take your struggles into account, this is what you signed up for.  After knowing what the situation that I have presented is, you either accept that I'm poly..... or leave.

Does that mean you get to choose the other submissives?  No.

Does that mean that you have any other power other than using your feet?  No.

However, if you stay, My being poly is part of the deal.  It's part of what you said you wanted when you knew the situation up front and said that you wanted to turn over power to Me as a part of our lives.  I hope not to squander that power foolishly, but you're not going to change the basic principles.

For this OP, yes.  I feel for her.  I don't think this is being handled well and I would probably handle it differently.  Maybe the Master of the household would like to take that into account.  Especially when it comes from those who *aren't* challenging his authority.


_____________________________

"Come to the edge, She said.
He said that he was afraid.
Come to the edge, She said.
He came. She pushed him,
And he flew . . ."


http://NE2010.net

Now running "Lady Pact's World".

(in reply to wittynamehere)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: please don't rip me apart... - 5/17/2011 2:38:25 AM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 5939
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wittynamehere

OP, you're just not ready for this, period. Sorry, but you need to mature and work on your communication skills, before this can be anything but a complete disaster with broken hearts and ruined lives.



She might not be ready for it, but nor is the so called dominant who decides to send her to a forum in the mistaken belief that we will all tell her to shut up and pucker up and accept it... He can't even handle one submissive, goes gaga over a 2nd submissive who - if I read right - he hasn't even met yet in the flesh. And he's ready? I'd say he's a rather poor example of a dominant and everything but a responsible adult...

quote:

Did you skip the part where the OP mentioned that she is the submissive in the relationship?


Interesting that you focus on the word submissive, but not the word RELATIONSHIP, a submissive is not a doormat who has to take everything, my advice would be to walk away and actually find a dominant who's grown up and adult enough to not behave like a randy teenager who's the first time on the internet and discovered porn and cybersex. If he wants to be the dominant, he should pony a bit, for example explain to the girl who might become the 2nd submissive (if they ever will meet in real life and if it works out - I wouldn't be too sure at this point that it's not all a hoax, they haven't met from my understanding) what is expected from her and how to behave, instead of focusing on "Hubba hubba, I will have 2 girls I can fuck, hubba hubba..." Chances are he'll end up with none and will have (best case scenario) time to learn what he did wrong and maybe grow up a bit and think with the head on top of his body.

_____________________________

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Those who do and those who don't!

(in reply to wittynamehere)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: please don't rip me apart... - 5/17/2011 5:30:12 PM   
gungadin09


Posts: 2986
Joined: 3/19/2010
Status: online
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

For this OP, yes.  I feel for her.  I don't think this is being handled well and I would probably handle it differently.  Maybe the Master of the household would like to take that into account.  Especially when it comes from those who *aren't* challenging his authority.


LadyPact- i'm sorry, but i don't see these responses as challenging anyone's authority so much as giving advice when it was explicitly asked for. The girl was sent to ask for our opinions, and our opinions are what she got. It's been said various times on the forums that people have the right to ask a question, but not the right to have people tell them what they want to hear. i have the feeling the Master would not like many of the responses the OP received. Nevertheless, by sending her here to ask the question, by extension, He asked it Himself. How should we have answered?

When people are asked their opinion, what they give is... their opinion. It's not our fault if it's not the one the girl's Master wanted. For my part, i didn't mean to imply that He needs my permission or approval to do anything. He certainly does NOT need my approval, or the approval of the other forum members. i suspect He *knows* that He doesn't need it. And He is more than welcome to participate in the discussion Himself, tell His own point of view. However, when someone asks for my opinion, that's what i give.

Under normal circumstances, that is. I usually answer this sort of question by saying how i would react if i were in the same situation. But in this case the girl seems to want help and not an argument or debate, so i tried to consider things from her point of view, and her Master's point of view, and give advice that would help *them*. The problem was that that's hard to do in this case, because the one side of the story that was presented is clearly biased and missing crucial facts.

And i agree with You. If Her Master told her upfront that she wasn't going to have any say in who His other subs were, or how fast the relationship developed into poly, or whether the other subs were going to top her, or whether she would top them, etc. If that was clear from the start and now that it's happened she doesn't like it and so she's trying to renegotiate, then that seems whiney and unreasonable. On the other hand... was it clear from the start? i can't tell from her account exactly what was agreed to initially, and not all dynamics involve an exchange of power that's as complete as Yours.

i realise the girl's calling Him Master, and so that probably means an M/s dynamic. And yet, even *that* means different things to different people. i know an M/s poly couple where the Master has a lot of concern for the primary slave's feelings about His other relationships, and i suspect that that slave would be allowed to veto a relationship is she really objected. i understand that that's not every poly relationship, and arguably it's not even M/s, but it certainly is to *them*. My point is i don't know what relationship exists between the OP and her Master, in terms of how much power there is on either side, or what agreement there was initially about how they were going to "ease their way" into poly.

With that in mind, i don't see the girl's OP as a challenge of her Master's authority so much as a request for help, and similarly i see the responses to the OP as offering help when it was asked.

pam

< Message edited by gungadin09 -- 5/17/2011 5:33:05 PM >

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: please don't rip me apart... - 5/17/2011 5:36:38 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 1646
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I'm just not one that thinks that allowing a submissive to be miserable is a part of the Dominant creed.
When did there become creed? Right after the secret handshake??
While MANY dominants would be alert to the needs of their property, it is by no means a given. There are more than a few dominants (ethical and not) that get off causing others pain in this way.

As for the OP...if it looks like a turd and smells like a turd it's a turd.
There are a couple thoughts here:
1) he's actually taken this girl on in some capacity some time ago and is just now telling you. (possibly his version of easing into it)
2) the girl is one of many online crazies (see movies sleeping with the enemy and hand that rocks the cradle for usual outcome)
3) a combination (my guess) as personally anyone referring to the exsisting sub as "baby girl" is in a massive power plot to over-throw the situation normal you are used to. Maybe it's the domme in me but my response to ANY woman telling me how life in my home or my relationship is now going to be because she's arrived is "OH BITCH PLEASE!!".
There is such a thing as Dom frenzy, he may be enjoying the attention and excitement that comes with a new toy and the combinations of new play. It's ethical and in some ways your responsibility as a good sub to ask questions. Yes the outcome may be that you've been replaced and he's just stringing you along, but someone with whom you have had a long-term, REAL LIFE relationship, should at least look at your objections before proceeding.
It's easy to get excited about the sundae in the window when you've had great vanilla for ages...but it's only fudge and sprinkles if the vanilla gets left behind.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones

You're never going to attract unicorns using the same tired BS as bait that every other guy used before.

(in reply to LadyConstanze)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: please don't rip me apart... - 5/17/2011 5:43:58 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 20705
Joined: 2/21/2007
Status: offline 		I don't see us as disagreeing either, pam.  Just stating the differences.  Some folks out there would give more latitude in the 'accept or leave' bit than I would.  (Again, not to say that I wouldn't work on the issue with someone struggling with poly.)  It's always hard to get the whole situation from just the original post, unless it's book length.

There are red flags all over this, but there's also an opportunity here, if it's used wisely. 




_____________________________

"Come to the edge, She said.
He said that he was afraid.
Come to the edge, She said.
He came. She pushed him,
And he flew . . ."


http://NE2010.net

Now running "Lady Pact's World".

(in reply to gungadin09)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: please don't rip me apart... - 5/17/2011 5:57:31 PM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 5939
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U

quote:

I'm just not one that thinks that allowing a submissive to be miserable is a part of the Dominant creed.
When did there become creed? Right after the secret handshake??
While MANY dominants would be alert to the needs of their property, it is by no means a given. There are more than a few dominants (ethical and not) that get off causing others pain in this way.

snip


Since you were replying to me and using a quote I never made, I gotta wonder where that quote came from, because I never talked about creed...


_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: please don't rip me apart... - 5/17/2011 7:53:04 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 1646
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze


quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U

quote:

I'm just not one that thinks that allowing a submissive to be miserable is a part of the Dominant creed.
When did there become creed? Right after the secret handshake??
While MANY dominants would be alert to the needs of their property, it is by no means a given. There are more than a few dominants (ethical and not) that get off causing others pain in this way.

snip


Since you were replying to me and using a quote I never made, I gotta wonder where that quote came from, because I never talked about creed...


Never said it was attributed to you. If you look closely postings not specifically quoted are attibuted as responses to the posting directly above.
ie had you not quoted directly from my post, it would have said that your comment was in response to LP as hers is in response to the one above etc

It's a programming glitch of the way CM works that's harder and more expensive to fix than the issue warrents.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones

You're never going to attract unicorns using the same tired BS as bait that every other guy used before.

(in reply to LadyConstanze)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: please don't rip me apart... - 5/17/2011 8:26:04 PM   
hejira92


Posts: 2228
Joined: 10/27/2005
From: Palm Beach County, Fl
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael


quote:

ORIGINAL: hejira92

I see red flags all around. I will be blunt.



You do your man proud with this advice! You should post on this side more often!



Thank you, Michael. [blushes]

_____________________________

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Member:
The Pimpettes
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"You're the gleam in my eye, the smile on my face and the bulge in my pants" - Cuffkinks

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: please don't rip me apart... - 5/18/2011 4:27:43 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 16506
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze


quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U

quote:

I'm just not one that thinks that allowing a submissive to be miserable is a part of the Dominant creed.
When did there become creed? Right after the secret handshake??
While MANY dominants would be alert to the needs of their property, it is by no means a given. There are more than a few dominants (ethical and not) that get off causing others pain in this way.

snip


Since you were replying to me and using a quote I never made, I gotta wonder where that quote came from, because I never talked about creed...




I made the "Dominant creed" point. I was being facetious.

I understand, Rose, that there are emotional sadists. I also know that there are emotional masochists. The emotional masochists enjoy the emotional sadists. That is where their kink lives. YAY them! The OP does not seem to be an emotional masochist enjoying the emotional sadism of her fellow.

What I said was only a few posts up (post number 24). Rather than clutter the board with a repetition of what I said (on THIS page).

best,
sunshine

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 5/18/2011 4:29:20 AM >

_____________________________

¿me preguntas por que compro arroz y flores? compro arroz para vivir y flores para tener algo por lo que vivir.
~Confucio

Yes, I am a wonton hussy.

Head Hib Harem Hottie

(in reply to LadyConstanze)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: please don't rip me apart... - 5/18/2011 6:01:43 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		Have you met for real yet?
are there any plans what so ever to set up a real meet?

It sounds to me like your Master has been playing around with cyber...
and the girl he has met is into cyber too...

in cyber you can move at the speed of light and feel high in a bubble...
it is not real real

maybe you are in a panic about a bit of virtual fun

However the case... if you do not appreciate her calling you 'baby girl' you should assert yourself and correct her... you may put her in her place.

Also you might request of your master to read all the mails this cyber girl has sent to both of you together... to see if both of you still want to play the game this way.

if it is no fun then you have to be smart enough to manipulate the game into your favour or wait patiently or bow out.


(in reply to seekingpolyhelp)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: please don't rip me apart... - 5/18/2011 7:55:54 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 5695
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze


quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U

quote:

I'm just not one that thinks that allowing a submissive to be miserable is a part of the Dominant creed.
When did there become creed? Right after the secret handshake??
While MANY dominants would be alert to the needs of their property, it is by no means a given. There are more than a few dominants (ethical and not) that get off causing others pain in this way.

snip


Since you were replying to me and using a quote I never made, I gotta wonder where that quote came from, because I never talked about creed...


Never said it was attributed to you. If you look closely postings not specifically quoted are attibuted as responses to the posting directly above.
ie had you not quoted directly from my post, it would have said that your comment was in response to LP as hers is in response to the one above etc

It's a programming glitch of the way CM works that's harder and more expensive to fix than the issue warrents.


And the easy way around it to avoid confusion is to type FR before you post which indicates it is a "Fast Response" and not directed to anybody... or you can specify that your post isn't being directed to anybody.

It is a pain and easy to forget but it does prevent a lot of misunderstandings.

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(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: please don't rip me apart... - 6/9/2011 4:55:20 PM   
analyticalmaster


Posts: 39
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I would offer this to both you and your Master.   Poly is not an easy game, it is in fact the most difficult thing in life to do well.  Trust me, you want to do it well, or don't do it at all.  Your master should understand that the reality is that for the most part a Dom can work with almost any sub who is really trying, at least for some period of time.  Subs in a relationship dont work that way, they must at least get along in some context or there is no chance at all, and in reality for their to be a good chance the subs must agree and mean it to give their all to making it work, or it will not.  Subs in poly must be sisters in every way possible, they don't have to be sexual partners, but they must have respect for one another. 

That takes time, it doesn't happen overnight.  It isn't enough to say "I'm the master we will do it my way" and expect it to work, well I am sure there are a boatload of "Doms" out there who would disagree.  But then when I look at their relationships, I see single, a string of weekends, maybe a month or two with someone.  Poly is either a game a few people play for a weekend, I tend to call them swingers, or maybe even swingers with kink.  Poly for those of us in it, is the experience of a lifetime.

I understand your Master wanting poly, but exactly what poly does he want and how far is he and you willing to go to get it.


(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 37
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