SimplyMichael
Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007 Status: offline
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This was posted on another site by SherynB and yes, I do have permission to repost it. CM tends to be a bit fluffy and thought this would make some red meat for the posters here. I'm starting a protest against The Cult of Aftercare. Not a total boycott, just a little "hey...over here...there's a different point of view." The phrase "The Cult of Aftercare" popped out of my mouth as a question at a Twisted Tryst class discussion on Sadism led by Unkle P and Wilson, about how they manage the fact that it can be damned hard to suddenly switch gears and be sweet and cuddly after a really good sadistic scene. I already knew that neither of them, barring a real psychological emergency, is particularly inclined to make that shift, and as far as I know, don't typically "do" aftercare. At least not in the way it's traditionally thought of. It's not a unique trait among sadists, and one that is unfairly vilified. Furthermore, it's not a unique trait among masochists...particularly emotional masochists...but one for which their partners are often unfairly vilified. I understand how it happens. Everybody reads the 101 books and articles. Safety is key. We teach toddlers to never, ever touch the stove or cross the street alone...and it's important to explain to the rank newbie that after you do that thing that gets your rocks off, you gotta hang around to make sure the person you did it with is okay too. Oh, and, here's some yummy things you can do to help that along. There's even a budding understanding growing out there that sometimes the person that did the doing needs some checking in on by the person they did it to. But somewhere along the way we seem to have lost some of the nuances in message, and left the impression that every scene must end with a soft cuddly blanket, lots of hugs, and the undivided attention of a cooing top for a quivering bottom rendered emotionally helpless by the intensity of the scene. Balderdash. NOT EVERYBODY NEEDS OR WANTS "AFTERCARE". Sometimes the whole point of the scene is to wallow in the muck and the filth and the humiliation. Sometimes the point is to be torn down and be left to put YOURSELF back together again. Sometimes the point is that you are strong enough, and powerful enough to claw your way out of the dirt, clean up the mess, and go process the places it took you. Sometimes the point is to crawl off someplace and masturbate furiously until you've milked every bit of pleasure out of the bruises on your body and soul. Sometimes the scene isn't MEANT to be over for days or weeks or months to come. Sometimes it was just fun, and now it's over, and you're done. No dessert required, thank you. So, to you well-meaning darlings rushing toward that puddle on the floor in dismay...um...NO. She isn't "okay", and she doesn't want to be. You asking is destroying her headspace, and she's very likely to slug you if you try to hug her. Even if she's crawling toward her tent or bag or corner or shivering in a puddle of something disgusting...she doesn't want your help unless she asks you for it. It is no more right and proper to interfere in the aftermath of a scene than in the scene itself. Your "rescue" is not required. And that "irresponsible" "asshole" who "just walked away" and didn't "take care of her"? He most likely knew exactly what he was doing. To quote a dear friend of mine: "We did all this work to get me INTO this horrible terrible nasty place...why in the world would I want someone to come cuddle me out of it now??" (I use "she" because women seem to trigger the caretaking urge in both men and other women the hardest...and because most of the people that I know who play in this territory actually are women.) Lest you think it only happens with newbies, who simply don't understand or strangers who don't know the people involved...my pondering started with a room full of experienced players, all friends, from four different states, running the gamut of kinks and experience. We'd gathered for a workshop and a party after, and they'd watched Unkle P (rumored to be a bit of a sadist) beat the hell out of me (at the time, developing a reputation for being somewhat...durable) for more than six hours. There'd been sadistic rope, predicament bondage, fists, a sjambok, a cane the size of a walking stick, ice cubes in personal places, god only knows what else, and ultimately a single tail. We typically play harder than most people are comfortable watching, and even I was a little (happily) surprised that he kept coming back to deliver more humiliation and pain. But we were among friends, and nobody raised an eyebrow. Not even at the end, after a rather extended date with a single tail when I was finally a whimpering, steaming puddle on the floor. Until he responded to my clear surrender by throwing water in my face. THAT stopped traffic in the room. For all but about three of us, who'd played that game before. Two of them laughed...one at me gasping and sputtering in surprise, the other at the wide-eyed faces of the people in front of her, doing roughly the same thing. Me? I'm pretty sure I was too busy coming to care. Most everybody I know who plays this way has some small way of checking in, or reconnecting, when they are done...which may be hours, days or even weeks later...and likely looks nothing like textbook "aftercare." It's what they want...the right amount of the right thing for them...and they know it, because they know themselves, and usually, each other, well enough to have negotiated what they need. AND THAT'S OKAY. NOT EVERYBODY NEEDS OR WANTS TO GIVE IMMEDIATE AFTERCARE. It takes a certain amount of physical, emotional, and psychic energy to access that place inside where the shadow lives...the one that wants to hurt and frighten people until they are screaming, sobbing, fighting back or cowering in fear...drag it out and play hard with it...and put it back again. Everybody has a different experience of it, and some would dispute my characterization of it. Fair enough. But many will agree that when they've reached that place, by the end of a scene, when they've taken their willing partner to that place with them, it is either TOO hard to reverse gears, or they simply don't want to...because it destroys the high of it. Again...to paraphrase my friend, for the other side..."Having done all that work to get to that yummy evil place...why would I want to come out of it to cuddle someone now?" It can be terribly unfair to ask the big bad wolf to turn on a dime and become your sweet soft grandmother, because you're suddenly all done with the game now. For those people, I think it's important to clarify: there is an enormous difference between the top who prefers not to provide aftercare, and one who is incapable of recognizing a true psychological left turn, in a scene gone bad. None of the people I'm talking about would EVER hesitate to jerk themselves out of the happy headspace to provide all of the necessary aftercare in an instance where a scene goes somewhere that isn't good (in a bad way)...and most have had to more than once. Not everybody is capable of playing responsibly in the places where people's fears, phobias, identity and self-esteem live. Those that are may have a preference for rocking their own high at the end, but they do it only after they've made sure that they've left their partner/bottom in a (relatively speaking) safe place. That isn't necessarily a soft and cuddly, pretty place, that everyone is going to get warm and fuzzy feelings watching. That means knowing something about the people they play with, TRUSTING the people they play with to know themselves...and to arrange aftercare from some other source if they need it. "Bring your own aftercare" or "borrow some" is a perfectly legitimate approach to a scene between two people whose energy needs are different at the end of a scene. And many times, even when it appears there is none, there are "watchers" that you don't see...friends who know the people involved, who keep watch, run interference if necessary, and subtly 'hold the space', while everybody comes back to earth in their own time and fashion. That is part of the power of the organized scene, and public play in controlled spaces and events. FOR SOME PEOPLE, "AFTERCARE" IS THE SCENE. There are some wonderfully sadistic tops out there, who LOVE the part where they turn on that dime, pick up the broken pieces and hug and cuddle and love them back together again. Being the good Daddy, the Loving Dominant, the Sweet Cuddly Top, does it for them, and it's their favorite part of the scene. Power to them, and there are folks who need them and adore playing with them. The are also folks who can't. "Aftercare for tops" stems in part from the fact that there are people who simply can't give that to them. I've been warned as a top AND as a bottom: "I may not want to talk to you for a few days after you do what I've asked you to do. And that's okay. I just need time to process it. We're okay." It's an important thing to know. I've also seen people, male and female, who use "masochism" as a mechanism to get attention. Lots and lots and lots of it. The physical or emotional pain is not an end in itself, it's the price they pay to be "allowed" to break down and petted and patted and babied back to wholeness when it's done. AND THAT'S OKAY TOO. But be clear and honest with yourself and the people you play with that the point of your scene is not so much the places you go, as the bringing you back. Because it is unfair...to you and to the people you play with...to not understand the difference. If your aftercare is going to take longer than the scene did, be clear on the fact your fetish is the aftercare, and ask for what you want. Or bring it with you. Which brings me to the final point: THE EMOTIONAL WELLBEING OF THE BOTTOM IS HIS OR HER OWN RESPONSIBILITY. I will be dogmatic here. Do not get into the deep end of the pool if you aren't prepared to swim. I am up to my ears with the discussions of the top's responsibility for the emotional well-being of the people they play with. At the end of the day, we are alone in our skins. The only person who can fix what's broken or bruised in there is you. The only person who knows what you "really" need is you. If you're in this game looking for therapy, fine. But be prepared to do your OWN work. If you need a therapist to help you do that, get one with proper credentials and pay them for their time. But even there, in the end, you're still going to have to be the one that decides who you are and what you're capable of. If you are going to ask somebody to play with your pain, your fears, your phobias, your self-esteem, your core emotional identity...you need to have done some work of your own, and be prepared to do more. The people you play with are responsible for watching out for your physical and apparent emotional safety, recognizing your stated limits, attempting to figure out how to get you where you want to be and when you've had enough, and stopping before you come to real harm...TO THE BEST OF THEIR ABILITY. And at some point or other, if you play hard...the best of them will miss something, and you will get hurt, or disappointed, or scared or let down. We all have hidden landmines, in our bodies and our minds, that can take us to places we didn't anticipate. Any good top will do their best to be supportive and caring, and help you find your way back again. But ultimately it's YOUR work to do. As a sadist or a masochist, you are responsible for knowing what you want, knowing what your limits are, what your needs are, caring enough for yourself to HAVE SOME of both, and providing for your own physical and emotional safety...whatever that means to you. In many cases that means finding someone you can trust to play with, and taking the time to let that trust build with experience. And even then...the best of intentions and plans will fail sometimes. Dealing with that is part of the game. There are very emotionally aware and mature people who deliberately ask to go to very ugly places for well-considered reasons of their own. There are also very emotionally unstable people who ask to be abused (or to abuse you) for reasons they do not understand and will not do the work to process. It pays to learn to recognize the difference before you find yourself feeding an emotional black hole that can never be filled. And it is that latter category that scares me the most...the fundamentalist wackos of the Cult of Aftercare, who really believe that somebody from this scene is going to tear them apart and put them back together again and magically "fix their problems" in the process. The Borderline Personalities and unmedicated bipolar disorders and narcissistic personalities who think they are going to find fulfillment at one or the other end of a whip. The ones for whom the scene never ends and neediness goes on and on. They are the most invested in the idea that if they "let you" hurt them, you have become personally responsible for the blackness of their emotional void. Run. Run away. Do not...do NOT...play. ***************************** Like everything else in BDSM the presence, intensity and duration of "aftercare" is a preference. No more, no less. One that should be worked out between the parties involved. We need, collectively, to lose the current notion that soft and cuddly aftercare (or anything else, besides consent) is "REQUIRED" for responsible BDSM play. Hell, it might be fun to come up with a new word for the concept of the OPPOSITE of sadism and masochism...sexual gratification from the giving and receiving of pain. What is the word for sexual gratification from the giving or receiving of comfort? We oughta be able to put that one on our lists, too. ***Special note here: I have borrowed a lot here from discussions with friends, and classes with people I respect. So much that I cannot separate or quote adequately or accurately. But I owe a lot of my understanding and opinions to classes and discussions with Unkle P, Wilson & Lora, Phantom, BoringJen, and many, many educators and friends. I hope they'll add their comments, too.
< Message edited by SimplyMichael -- 5/20/2011 10:34:17 AM >
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