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controlling my jealousy... - 3/28/2004 6:43:49 AM

Posts: 3
Joined: 3/28/2004
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Hello,

I discovered several months ago that my master frequently chats online and eventually has phone conversations with the submissives that he meets online. We have talked about this, and he has expressed that it is harmless, and I have not asked him to stop (as I'm afraid that he will continue doing it behind my back). I am having extreme difficulty in not letting my jealousy and insecurities destroy my self and our relationship. While we live a d/s lifestyle, we also love each other very much and this situation has caused irreparable damage. He has enjoyed the comforts of my whole life revolving around him. I am completely dependant upon him, as he wanted. And now I feel so disappointed that he has no desire to take some responsibility for my emotional well-being.

This has been excrutiating! I have no one to talk to about this, as few understand the d/s nature of our relationship. If you can offer any advice as to how I can deter myself from becoming destructively jealous, please do.

Thank you so much,
Kimberly

RE: controlling my jealousy... - 3/28/2004 7:45:54 AM

Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: grishko

...And now I feel so disappointed that he has no desire to take some responsibility for my emotional well-being.

Thank you so much,
Kimberly

Kimberly,

Welcome to the boards. <smile>

There was much that was telling (to me) in your post, but this statement is the one that I keyed on.

To my mind the dominant's responsibility in your (generic you) emotional well-being is to provide you with a safe place to do the work you need to do and to be there for you while you do it. You still have to do the work yourself.

You have stated that you have insecurities, you have even stated what some of your fears are and that you use these fears as an excuse not to communicate. Example:

quote:

We have talked about this, and he has expressed that it is harmless, and I have not asked him to stop (as I'm afraid that he will continue doing it behind my back).

You are afraid that the person you gave your personal choice to will deceive you if given the opportunity. Do you see anything wrong with this picture? Will he deceive you? If you believe he is the sort who would deceive you then why are you with him? Why did you give him your life? Or is this just your own fear? If it is your fear then surely you can see that trying to get him to modify his behavior to alleviate your fears is futile. You must deal with your fear (or whatever issue in yourself this seems to be triggering).

To me, your post was filled with a significant amount of trying to put the burden of responsibility for your own happiness on your dominant. Do you not realize that the only person in the world who can make you happy is you? Do you not realize that if you can't make yourself happy then anything that is given to you will never be enough? Do you not know that in the final analysis you are the one responsible for your happiness and that, after having achieved that understanding of personal responsibility, you will then be able to see anything that is given to you by another as pure gravy?

If your pattern is to place responsibility for your own happiness on another then I suggest that the answer to finding the security you seem to seek, and letting go of the feelings of jealousy, lay in looking within and addressing what may be your own lack of self esteem.

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to grishko)

RE: controlling my jealousy... - 3/28/2004 9:27:56 AM

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

Midear Kimberly-

quote:

ORIGINAL: grishko

We have talked about this, and he has expressed that it is harmless, and I have not asked him to stop (as I'm afraid that he will continue doing it behind my back).

There's a lot that bothers me here. You have spoke of it, and (I assume) you made it clear that it concerns you, but you didn't ask him to stop, and he didn't.

You feel that he should stop, though- without your asking. That he should decide to stop without your imput, and then, it won't be your fault that he stopped doing something he (presumably) enjoys.

I understand not wanting to be pushy, or a nag, or topping from the bottom, whatever, But it's wrong to put it on him like that.

Do you really think he'd agree to stop, and then continue in secret? I'd have some issues there myself, but it would be about why I am involved with someone I couldn't trust.

I'm sorry- I didn't mean to make it about why your wrong- and your not wrong- I just think you are seeing things a little skewed. To your main question-

quote:

as to how I can deter myself from becoming destructively jealous,

You might start by considering how much you really trust him, and consider how much trust he places in you. It's not the end, IMO, if your answer is that you can't trust him absolutely- Absolute trust is more of a deluision than a fact (IMO). Consider how much you need to trust him, really.

He's said it's harmless- do you trust that it is? What exactly does 'harmless' mean? You feel it's harming you- it that becuase you think that :

a] He's actually shopping around, and lying to you about it?

b] You worry that while he's innocent enough these other submissives are trying to seduce him, and he might 'slip'?

c] You feel he's doing you wrong by not telepathiclly _knowing_ that you really want him to stop even though you didn't ask it of him?

d] You just can't _stand_ that he pays any attenion to another, even if you don't think it's really a threat?

How long have you been together- you said you found this out several months ago- was it something he was keeping from you?

Do you really want to not be jealous, or are you looking for a way to make him stop?

stay warm,
Lawrence

(in reply to grishko)

RE: controlling my jealousy... - 3/28/2004 9:44:04 AM

Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
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Lawrence,

As usual, we mirror each other in this.

I think you were probably more kind than I was in the way it was said. This is not surprising to me either. <smile>

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to topcat)

RE: controlling my jealousy... - 3/28/2004 9:58:02 AM

Posts: 3
Joined: 3/28/2004
Status: offline

Thank you so very much for your replies...

Yes, you are absolutely right. I, and I alone, determine my happiness. I do not feel that my happiness depends solely upon another's words/actions. And I consider myself a very happy and capable person.

I have been living and working for my master for a little over one year. However, I do have outside friends and an additional career apart from our relationship. Initially, he never told me about his chats and phone conversations. I take sole blame for being nosey and finding the chat logs etc. on his computer. At this point, he knows and has not objected to my access to his online conversations and email. When I discovered the chats, etc., I told him that I had been nosey and we discussed the issue. It does not bother me that, when I am gone he chooses to spend his time chatting online or on the phone for gratuitous pleasure.

however-

I have spoken about it frequently... I have yet to get an answer or understanding of why he belongs to several bdsm matchmaking/personals websites. He is mainly searching theses sites for submisses to talk to. I feel, and have told him, as if I am a 'stand-in' until he finds something better. This is my prime difficulty-- that he is constantly looking for someone to replace me (despite his objections). I understand that this is my emotional responsibility to deal with. I guess my plea for help is for assistance in dealing with what is a new emotion for me.

Hopefully I make a little more sense now... thank you again for your thoughtful responses.

(in reply to topcat)

RE: controlling my jealousy... - 3/28/2004 11:01:20 AM

Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
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Is yours an agreed to dynamic of one-on-one? If so then I would also wonder why he would peruse matchmaking sites. There are plenty of people to chat with on boards and chatrooms such as this that would not potentially jeopardize the one-on-one commitment.

If that is not an agreed to dynamic then you will have to search inside yourself to find the security that you need. I never promise monogamy and have been involved with people who came to want it after they were emotionally invested in me. Does this seem to apply for you?

Jealousy is usually about insecurity of some form or another. I hear you saying that you are insecure about your place in his life and what this may mean to your day-to-day in the future. Am I hearing you correctly?

I have come to believe that worrying over much about what "might" happen in the future is generally futile and could lead to a 'hostile' environment from which to try to communicate. Imagine the worst case scenario, then see yourself dealing with it. The worst that could happen is that you go separate ways and that would not be the end of the world. The best case scenario is that you could use this point of friction to become closer. There is a universe of possibilities in between.

Use your emotions to learn about yourself. What are you afraid of? Is it real or is it your illusions? Continue to communicate from a perspective of being clear about what you are feeling and thinking. Remember that the existance of a feeling for you does not necessarily mean an expectation of a behavior for him.

If you need him to reassure you then tell him so, and tell him what sort of reassurance you need and how often you might need it. Ask him what he needs in this regard. Negotiate a win-win situation that meets both of your needs without putting expectations all on one person.

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself."

< Message edited by MizSuz -- 3/28/2004 2:01:56 PM >

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to grishko)

RE: controlling my jealousy... - 3/28/2004 11:02:53 AM

Posts: 1123
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I agree with what both Lawerence and Suz said... It is not his responsiblity to make you happy. You have the right to inform him of your personal issues and he has the right to deal with them as he sees fit.

Has it occurred to you that he may not be monogomous.. that he maybe poly or that he enjoys the visceral sensations that he he is getting from these conversations. On the other hand he could be a complete *ss*hole and all your insecurities could be well founded.

I have several questions.. How did you meet? Do you have a negotatied contract? Do you feel that because he loves you and you love him that changes the dymanics of the the D/s relationship? Because he loves you he should be less of who he is ??

It seems that because he loves you you feel that your D/s should somehow that love redefines what D/s is?..

D/s is simply that: Domination and submission.. what in your relationship says that he has to tell you anything.. because he loves you??? What in your relationship says that he has to change his behavior ... because he loves you??? What in your relationship says that he must be responsible for feelings he can have no knowledge of if you dont speak them??? because he loves you!!!

Too often I have come across this .. if he did this would he still be the Dominant you feel into submission for.. probably not!!.. Dominants are Dominat for a reason .... part of that is that we do what we do because it pleases us.. love our boys and girls or not.. if we allow our love for our submissive to change us or how we interact with submissives .. then who in fact is wearing the collar???

Use this place to express your concerns and feelings, journal and talk to him in a non confrontation this is how I am feeling..ask for time and attention and work on your self esteem.. ask for the things you need from him and from yourself to realize that there must have been somthing really special in you for him or he wouldnt have collared you..

Regards
SD

_____________________________

“When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.” Elyane Boosler

Being a women is hard work Maya Angelou

(in reply to grishko)

RE: controlling my jealousy... - 3/28/2004 11:28:53 AM

Posts: 418
Joined: 1/6/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: grishko

Thank you so very much for your replies...

Yes, you are absolutely right. I, and I alone, determine my happiness. I do not feel that my happiness depends solely upon another's words/actions. And I consider myself a very happy and capable person.

I have been living and working for my master for a little over one year. However, I do have outside friends and an additional career apart from our relationship. Initially, he never told me about his chats and phone conversations. I take sole blame for being nosey and finding the chat logs etc. on his computer. At this point, he knows and has not objected to my access to his online conversations and email. When I discovered the chats, etc., I told him that I had been nosey and we discussed the issue. It does not bother me that, when I am gone he chooses to spend his time chatting online or on the phone for gratuitous pleasure.

Curious, as it would seem if he has no objections to your being nosey, that he would not be attempting to hide anything. Only you and he know the contents of all the chat logs and e-mails, so I would say you have the best seat in the house to ascertain what his pastime activities truly involve.

On the other hand, is it possible his pastime is being used as an exercise in humiliation for you? I agree with comments (and questions) stated by MizSuz and topcat, you are responsible for your own happiness, and a great deal of that may have to do with acceptance. Is he pulling your chain? What do the chat logs/mails tell you about his true intentions as illustrated by his pastime's wording? Is it in fact merely playful fun?

quote:

however-

I have spoken about it frequently... I have yet to get an answer or understanding of why he belongs to several bdsm matchmaking/personals websites. He is mainly searching theses sites for submisses to talk to. I feel, and have told him, as if I am a 'stand-in' until he finds something better. This is my prime difficulty-- that he is constantly looking for someone to replace me (despite his objections). I understand that this is my emotional responsibility to deal with. I guess my plea for help is for assistance in dealing with what is a new emotion for me.

Did he join these sites after your serving him, or has he been a member of them for a while? Did he meet you through one of these sites? If so, is his playful pastime logs/mails reflecting the same approach to you? Are you ever mentioned in any way in his pastime?

Some lifestyle personal's sites have side benefits, such as this message board. Does he actively participate in message boards and such, or is it all indicative of "shopping for your replacement"? Do his pastime activities only involve unattached submissives?

In the end it is up to you to manage your trust, which will quite obviously affect your happiness. It seems like your post's major dilemma is your trust in him, which is suffering due to your stated reasons. This must be rectified by either of you, or preferrably both of you in agreement.

Alternative approach: Perhaps you could ask what benefit he is providing the submissives he contacts... is he in fact cheating them by 'playing around' with them and distracting them from finding their one? Is he seeking a poly sister to join you or is he indeed seeking your replacement... only you can answer all these questions, and the one's you can't have their answers in him, so communicate. If the (or any) issue becomes a show stopper, then it is better to find out sooner than later.

Best wishes with your difficult decisions, but choose to be happy. Communicate your concerns and wishes, it is the most effective way to solve most dilemmas.

Inyouagain

(in reply to grishko)

RE: controlling my jealousy... - 3/28/2004 12:39:21 PM

Posts: 729
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline

Hi Grishko,

I typed a real long reply to this, but decided to do the *simple* one instead. Look more closely at yourself. Often, people place what *they* would do onto others. If that is not true of you, then do you trust this person? And if you trust this person, and you know that you can be trusted to talk to other's without it undermining your present situation, why is this an issue?

Just remember, he is your dominant. It is not his job to *change* to please you. Unless his actions are things that you discussed before your relationship started and he *agreed* to try to change. Look more closely at yourself and *why* you are actually jealous.

_____________________________

Sandy

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway...

(in reply to grishko)

RE: controlling my jealousy... - 3/29/2004 12:12:51 AM

Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
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It all boils down to trust. Do you trust him? Do you believe it when he says he is not looking to replace you? If you can't trust him, then you shouldn't be with him.
Then you need to take a look at if the lack of trust is because you are the jealous type, or he is really giving you reason not to trust him? I feel that as usual, there has not been enough real communicating, and alot of assumptions. On both ends.

(in reply to grishko)

RE: controlling my jealousy... - 3/31/2004 2:36:42 PM

Posts: 3
Joined: 3/28/2004
Status: offline

Many thanks for your replies. Sometimes it's hard for me to gain a rational perspective of things, as I become so wrapped up in my Master. As you suspected, I was being passive aggressive and not thoroughly communicating my thoughts and fears. After communicating them to my Master, I now realize that I had totally worked myself into a paranoid frenzy. :)

So, thank you again, and I will now retreat back to my happy life as my owner's submissive.

(in reply to grishko)

RE: controlling my jealousy... - 3/31/2004 5:33:30 PM

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

Midear Grishko-

Yay!

(I love happy endings)

Stay warm,
Lawrence

(in reply to grishko)

RE: controlling my jealousy... - 4/1/2004 6:16:00 AM

Posts: 52
Joined: 1/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: grishko

Hello,

I discovered several months ago that my master frequently chats online and eventually has phone conversations with the submissives that he meets online. We have talked about this, and he has expressed that it is harmless, and I have not asked him to stop (as I'm afraid that he will continue doing it behind my back). I am having extreme difficulty in not letting my jealousy and insecurities destroy my self and our relationship. While we live a d/s lifestyle, we also love each other very much and this situation has caused irreparable damage. He has enjoyed the comforts of my whole life revolving around him. I am completely dependant upon him, as he wanted. And now I feel so disappointed that he has no desire to take some responsibility for my emotional well-being.

This has been excrutiating! I have no one to talk to about this, as few understand the d/s nature of our relationship. If you can offer any advice as to how I can deter myself from becoming destructively jealous, please do.

Thank you so much,
Kimberly

your Master should know in his heart whether or not he is doing the right thing by conversing with others. He knows whether he is honoring the relationship between you two or not. If he is, great. If he isn't, it'll only come back to bite him in the ass later. It always does.
you, on the other hand, hopefully got into a relationship with him out of trust. Until you have absolute proof that he is doing something wrong, you should maintain that trust of him doing the right thing. If he ends up betraying your trust, it will be a very painful situation but at least it will be a sign to you that he was not the one and you can feel secure in moving on.
My hope is that there is a lot of trust between you both and that there is no betrayal nor will there ever be. I wish you both peace and happiness together.

ZM

< Message edited by ZenMaster -- 4/1/2004 6:22:09 AM >

(in reply to grishko)

RE: controlling my jealousy... - 4/2/2004 6:32:19 AM

Posts: 577
Joined: 3/25/2004
Status: offline

hmm i don't know. Sometimes where there is smoke there is fire. my former "Dom" only chatted on the computer when i was at work or asleep. He always closed the windows if i woke up and came into the room. i suspected for about a month that something was going on behind my back. Each time i brought it up i was told i was crazy. This went on until one Christmas eve when i came home from work to find him passed out in front of my computer with his dick hanging out and a cyber chat on the screen. i spent that entire Christmas day reading lies that he was telling 80 other women. The exact same lies he had told me. Three days later i made sure he was gone.<BR>
Since then i've found a Master that i know i can trust. He does talk to other females and some of them are submissives. They are friends of both of ours and i don't worry about anything going on because i know there is not.
Only you know what is being said to these other submissives and where your relationship is the best advice i can give is to listen to your gut

(in reply to ZenMaster)

RE: controlling my jealousy... - 4/10/2004 10:10:38 AM

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Joined: 4/5/2004
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just because a Master speaks to others should not make you feel less a person as others said you and he must talk things out and a realationship worth working on is worth letting go of a few petty jealousys. Who knows you might really like some of the ones he talks to on line if you chatted with them yourself. Life is to short to let a few words take away your happiness rember there may not be a tommorrow.

He has accepted you as you are now you must learn to accept him as he is!!

_____________________________

this one hopes she has offended none and is sorry if she has sincerly Wolfsong

(in reply to liljoy)

RE: controlling my jealousy... - 4/17/2004 3:34:00 AM

Posts: 101
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Personally see nothing wrong with online chat. My Master has never kept anything hidden from me ever concerning others. personally i incourage it and enjoy Him spending time with others and getting to know others. i am hoping oneday there is others involved in Masters life. He deserves it.

shy

(in reply to MizSuz)

RE: controlling my jealousy... - 4/26/2004 11:07:57 AM

Posts: 1
Joined: 4/16/2004
Status: offline

Dear Kimberly,
I too am in this same situation and it is a hard road to follow. I have given Master my all and even moved from Australia to the USA severing all I know to be truly his. Master often chats to others on line I dont fully understand this as once I had the real thing I no longer needed to talk to any one but Master. He knows this hurts me at times and keeps telling me it is harmless and I am the only one he wants. But like you I am confused and at times dissapointed in the way things are going here. I have not yet damaged our relationship though in any way I can see, but I have no desire to share my life with any one but master. He knw this from the start. I do not understand this behaviour in the D/s relationship either.
Carlos/Master nanashi's 24/7 No Limits Property.

(in reply to grishko)

RE: controlling my jealousy... - 4/27/2004 8:38:24 PM

Posts: 3
Joined: 4/18/2004
Status: offline

omg... i read your posts and ended up crying because I'm going thru the same thing... exception is that i've went a step farther... posted on collar me.. my Master knows and he doesn't care.. or if he does he says he can't stop me so he doesn't care. ..

....sobbing... i love my Master/husband/father of my children... can we chat sometime???

cherry

(in reply to grishko)

RE: controlling my jealousy... - 4/28/2004 4:39:05 PM

Posts: 12
Joined: 1/1/2004
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you did disclose you had been speaking with him about this topic frequently, which is a good thing. However you did not get a satisfactory answer, which is not a good thing.
i do think communication is key and given my lack of advice giving experience i will refrain from offering it. your sincerity does permeate your posts and i do hope you find the answers you're looking for and i hope it is for the better.

_____________________________

Barnes~ dedicated submissive to Lady Beckett

(in reply to slavecherry)

RE: controlling my jealousy... - 4/29/2004 3:37:30 PM

Posts: 19
Joined: 1/9/2004
Status: offline

i dont think Dominants should use this lifestyle as an excuse to cheat on there subs or to lie. and a sub has every right to walk away if there Dominant cheats on them. and if they lie about being married or something the sub should walk away. i hate people who use this lifestyle as a way to cheat on there wives.

angel

(in reply to nysub29)

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