HeatherMcLeather
Posts: 2559
Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
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The idea for this post, and the thoughts in it, grew out of a Cmail exchange between MadAxeman and I. <Thanks MA!  >
One of the things I think that newbies and non-poly people do not realize about a poly relationship, is just how much thought, planning, negotiating, priority juggling, and just plain hard work really is involved. Sometimes it seems like a full time job in and of itself. <I know I had no idea when we started out so short a time ago, there's a steep learning curve to this>. And it isn’t the big issues that are the problem, it is the little things.
So often we hear about jealousy being the big problem, but I have found that there is actually very little jealousy; this could be because we are all still in the honeymoon phase, or maybe because Hanners works very hard at, and is very good at, making sure everybody is included and that everybody gets what they want as far as is possible. And that is where the work comes in. There is a constant need for juggling priorities that can get very complex. Even just going out can be a challenge, what with school demands, we often find that three of us want to go out, but the other has an exam to study for or a paper to do. Even when there is no issue with conflicting schedules it can be tricky. We all have different tastes in food, movies, music, and so on. Even just staying home can be a cause of potential conflict, no matter what we are having for dinner, one of the four of us is bound to have wanted something else, just settling on what to watch on TV can be hard <other than Big Bang Theory – we are all in agreement then – that show rocks!>. The home itself can be a source of potential conflict too, we all have different ideas regarding how to decorate; we each like different colour schemes and furniture styles and so on.
Now at first glance you are going to think that this is all very obvious stuff that any couple faces and just deals with using common sense, and you would be right. The thing is though, there are four such opinions on everything so reaching a consensus can be a long process at times. And often one of us will find herself opposed by the other three. Again that isn’t a big deal in and of itself, but when it happens a lot, one can start to resent it, and feel isolated or ganged up on. Here is where the idea of open communication comes in, but when you are having these feelings of resentment that you know are silly and really baseless, it is hard to bring it up. You know you are being unreasonable and you are reluctant to cause trouble over it, but it still needs to be aired or it will fester. So it often falls on the other members of the House to pay close attention and be on the look-out for anything like that brewing and to act proactively to head it off and get it out in the open.
One would think that having a D/s aspect to the relationship would simplify these things, but it really doesn’t, falling back on that just puts all the weight on one person. We do that a lot with Hanners, we rely on her to notice and resolve problems, which isn’t really fair. In the final analysis everybody is responsible for their own happiness. Maybe it’s because Hanners runs a very egalitarian household <make no mistake, she is in charge, but she doesn’t run it like a dictator>, but I think it probably applies to any poly home to some degree. She wants everybody to be happy and fulfilled and to be able to grow within the relationship, and that is where the real magic act comes into it. She is always negotiating, seeking input, and hammering out compromises. Compromising isn't really natural to girls in our age range, I'll be honest, we can be pretty self centered. Also, with four women, somebody around here is almost always PMSing, so it can be a lot like tap dancing through a minefield at times.
Hanners never says anything, but we can tell sometimes just from the look on her face that she's getting swamped, and that’s when we have to back down and remember to work together. And that really is the key, to work together. If Cheri and I notice tension between Hanners and Suze, we have to step in and try to get it resolved, we can’t hang back and say “Well, we’re the subs, so it’s none of our affair.” If they aren’t happy, then we won’t be either. And each of us has to be willing to compromise, and yet at the same time we have to realize that there will be times when each of us will really not be willing, or possibly even able, to compromise on certain things <like me and “realistic” dildos>.
It helps if you can recognize and rely on each partner’s strengths. For example I tend to be more logical and analytical, Hanners has more life experience and being more philosophically inclined has a more fully developed moral and ethical framework, Cheri is more empathetic and intuitive and can often see what is behind the words or feelings, and Suze is good at seeing the flaws in things and at seeing the long view of things. It can be hard at times to do this, especially for the Dominants, to admit somebody is better at something and to let them take the lead. But it really is one of the major advantages of a poly relationship, that there are several other people upon whose strengths one can fall back on, and it would be a mistake not to do so out of anger, pride, or just plain stubbornness. I find I have to remind myself of this every so often.
Laughter helps as well, and here is where a clown like Suze is a godsend. It isn’t even always a joke, sometimes just a silly remark, or tone of voice, or a funny face, or even just the twinkle in her eye that tells you she has thought of something funny that will make you smile. It’s a lot harder to be resentful or angry when you’re giggling.
It helps if you have some strategies with which to deal with the stresses. One seemingly silly one we use is to dance, all of us together. We do a lot of that. It's physical so it’s cathartic, its fun, and sexy/silly, and it’s a bonding thing as well. We all end up laughing sweaty and happy. Often when one of us notices tensions mounting, she’ll just put on some music, crank it up, grab somebody and start dancing. That invariably ends up with us all laying together on the floor exhausted and happy, snuggling and talking freely.
Another is our evening fire time that Hanners mentioned on another thread. And we have expanded the hair brushing ritual that Hanners and I had to include everybody. We will sit in a circle each brushing the hair of the person in front of us and talk. We use this ritual not only when we need to talk things out, but sometimes we do it without talking just to reinforce the bond, the mutual closeness, and the sense of togetherness.
I’m not sure if there really is a point to all this. It's really just some thoughts I had on how things are developing that I thought were worth posting here. Maybe somebody will find them useful.
< Message edited by HeatherMcLeather -- 10/23/2011 10:37:40 PM >
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RE: In our heads, not our beds - how it works for us. - 
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i AGREE WITH kALICO I have a headache but thank you for the outline and sharing your life ...that takes courage so thank you ... I personally Like my Life simple and my amusments complicated ... so no love or affection I foster is limited or conditional... to me its just not worth it. But what the hell do I know 
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