LadyPact
Posts: 20707
Joined: 2/21/2007
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: kiarsia
Here I am, all these years later, still wondering the exact same thing I fell apart over before. Is it physically possible for ONE person to be and provide everything I need and want?
Some people believe that it is and other people believe that it isn't. I can't sit here and say that it isn't possible because some folks find all that they want wrapped up in one person.
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Is it even fair for me to ask anyone to be that?
As I see it, the question isn't about asking "anyone". You have a person in your life who is *the* person you would be asking it from. Is it fair that you are asking him to be that. From what I'm reading here, you did ask at one point, that wasn't the person that he really was, ergo, it was somewhat unfair.
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Am I for some reason asking to much?
It's not necessarily that you are asking too much. It's that you are asking someone else to live up to the expectation that you may have created.
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Do I have unreasonable expectations?
For the situation that you are in, you very well might be.
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Should I learn to shove aside wants and desires and just make do with the status quo?
Nobody can answer this but you. When all of the options available to you are laid out on the table, which of the choices is what you want most?
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Is there ever "one true way" to make poly work?
Nope. Take a look at some of the regular posters to this board. For example, I have a different type of poly situation when compared to someone like KoM. Yet, it works for each of us based on what we want from the situation.
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How common is it for people to have one person who is kind of a life partner and one who is a kink partner?
I couldn't say how common it is, but there are certainly enough of us to show that it happens fairly frequently.
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Does it end up working like two separate relationships or does everyone kind of end up in a relationship together?
It depends on who you ask. I happen to recognize each. For example, V-type poly is different than O-type poly, even though there will be elements that cross over.
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Does having an intimate connection with one person take away from the intimate connection you had with your original partner?
No. If anything, I was surprised that it deepened our intimacy.
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What about when the intimate connection with your original partner is already damaged?
I can't really address this. We weren't 'damaged' when we decided that poly was a good solution to Me getting My BDSM wants fulfilled. My other half isn't submissive and him bottoming to Me doesn't click in the right way. He actually turned out to be a top, so it just means that we aren't compatible for that particular aspect. It doesn't mean that the intimacy that we have as a couple doesn't work.
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Is adding the poly equation ever a good idea at ALL when one partner already has emotional and psychological issues involving paranoia and insecurity?
I wouldn't say it's the greatest place to start from. Insecurity doesn't especially work well with poly, even when people claim not to have those issues in the beginning and say they have only come up since becoming poly. Potential landmine would be an accurate phrase here.
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Even if therapy can help with those issues, would adding a poly dynamic just bring them all back up?
Possibly. There's no way that I can sit here and promise you that they absolutely won't.
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How do you work out boundaries in each relationship.
I've got a really long original post discussing the way that we went about it. Each relationship is going to be different depending on the individuals involved.
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Should relationships have boundaries?
Yes.
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Expectations?
No. I'm from the school of thought that says an expectation is a resentment waiting to happen. What you really have when you start out are hopes of how it will work.
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Should I hope that my expectations could possibly be met or am I setting myself up for failure??
That depends. You need to ask yourself exactly what "failure" is to you. That it won't work? That it means you might find that you prefer one partner to another and you might end up wanting to choose one over the other? That you'll have to learn (all three) how to deal with the emotional issues that come up from these situations?
Look at all of your possible outcomes. You have to ask yourself (and your husband) if those risks are ones that you are willing to take. If it does cause severe issues in your primary relationship, are you willing to give up on the idea of being poly and go back to the way that you are now? Have you discussed feelings at length about the worst case scenarios?
Since you do already have a therapist, I think these are some things that you could discuss with him/her and get some feedback. Is a change like this something that someone who knows you (at least in a professional setting) thinks would be a good idea?
_____________________________
"Come to the edge, She said.
He said that he was afraid.
Come to the edge, She said.
He came. She pushed him,
And he flew . . ."
http://NE2010.net
Now running "Lady Pact's World".
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