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new at bringing a 3rd into the fray - 9/7/2011 5:14:54 PM   
Kitiara1970


Posts: 3
Joined: 10/16/2007
Status: offline 		So Daddy and I have talked for a while about bringing in another girl to play with, and it finally happened. It's a short term thing as she will be moving away soon (though close enough that we could still meet from time to time and play). I like her, and that alone is a rare thing for me. There are not many girls that I could call friends, but I like this one,  I really do, and I know how happy it made Daddy, to bring her into our playtime. :)

Before I met him I had actually been in two prior relationships where I was the playgirl for committed couples. The mythical unicorn so to speak. So I've been on her side of the fence before, but never been on this side before, and it's bringing up new emotions. Will I be enough to keep him satisfied now that he's had two girls in his bed, being the first and foremost.

I really enjoyed our time together, and it all was very natural and we all meshed well together, but now and again little things would hit me. Washes of emotions all jumbled together. Like when I'd go to the kitchen to get food or drink to serve us, and see them together when I got back I'd get hit with a conflict of feelings all in the space of a few seconds... arousal was definitely there, but so was fear that he was enjoying her more than me, confusion that "my" Daddy was grinding on someone other than me, happiness that the situation was pleasing him and not surprisingly, jealousy, mixed with self condemnation for being jealous.

Silly minute things also got the "weird" thoughts going. Like him having her join us in the bed to sleep, my cat curling up next to her because there was no room on my side (fuzzy lil traitor :P ), and the fact that he had come back from a vacation just a day or two before and brought me an absolutely beautiful necklace, only the second piece of jewelry he'd ever gotten me, then realizing that he had picked one up for her too, and called them "collars for his subbie girls"  OUCH!!! :(  And the fact that he'd taken her out on a "date" the week before. I know the reason he took her where he did, and it's completely understandable, but he and I usually do more... outdoorsy things together, so my silly lil brain is being a bit unreasonable knowing he took her to a show and they got all dressed up and went out, whereas our outings usually involve me in hiking boots and climbing trees or hills.

I have a letter from the "alpha" sub in the last relationship I was in, and she had expressed a lot of the same concerns and feelings that I'm feeling now, and that makes me feel a bit better, knowing that I'm not being silly, jealous, or unreasonable, and that I'm not the only one that's ever had to deal with these feelings.   I just don't know how to stop them. And I DO want to stop them. When my brain wasn't overprocessing these thoughts I had a great time, and though Daddy knows I'm dealing with these conflicting feelings, and he's being wonderful about it (as always), I don't want to drag it out and tarnish the good memories, by bringing it up over and over.

I was just hoping someone here might have a jewel of wisdom that might help ease my troubled head.   I know I haven't been on this site in a long time (since Daddy found me), but it was the first place I thought to come to to find someone to discuss this with.

Hopefully I'm posting in the correct forum, and any advice or input would be greatly appreciated, I'm gonna stop now, because I'm rambling. Fingers are just kind of spilling out the mixed up emotions in my head.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: new at bringing a 3rd into the fray - 9/7/2011 5:58:54 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		Read this thread:
http://www.collarchat.com/m_3776260/tm.htm



_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

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(in reply to Kitiara1970)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: new at bringing a 3rd into the fray - 9/7/2011 8:00:32 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4068
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline 		On the contrary, I wouldn't say that thread (or most any other) is what you need. You need to talk with your own partner(s) and give a fuck all what anyone here recommends (other than what I just did). Seriously. People here can tell you what they do and how they feel all day long but that doesn't mean that applies to you. Also, you need to consider the source. There are people here who answer every thread all day long with their supposed all-knowing knowledge and experience. Who knows how much of it is true or how successful their relationships truly are? And, really, who cares when it's your own relationship at stake? I can't say enough how important it is that you talk with HIM and make sure you're on the same page and wanting to head in the same direction. When it comes down to it, what else really matters? Worry less about strangers' advice and more about meshing at home. Just the advice of one stranger

luci

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 9/7/2011 8:01:58 PM >

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to Kitiara1970)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: new at bringing a 3rd into the fray - 9/7/2011 8:16:00 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline
quote:

On the contrary, I wouldn't say that thread (or most any other) is what you need.
Oh really now, let's see what your advice is....
quote:

You need to talk with your own partner(s)
quote:

I can't say enough how important it is that you talk with HIM and make sure you're on the same page and wanting to head in the same direction.
Well now, that is pretty much the main point made over and over in the thread I referred her to. Which fact leads me to believe you never even read the thread.

I am inclined to think your reply is tainted by your personal dislike of the posters who created that thread. For shame luci, that's a little petty of you, don't you think?

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: new at bringing a 3rd into the fray - 9/7/2011 8:25:49 PM   
projectneedles


Posts: 17
Joined: 8/25/2011
Status: offline 		And you only recommend it because you want to fuck them all ...so how is your opinion unbiased?

(in reply to Arpig)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: new at bringing a 3rd into the fray - 9/7/2011 8:46:02 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		No, I recommended it because I think it's good advice that speaks directly to the issues the OP raised. I want to fuck most of the women on here, so clearly my carnal desires are of little or no relevance. Besides, I have no particular desire to fuck lesbians, I'm odd in that I prefer the women I have sex with to enjoy the experience as much as I do, if not more.


_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


(in reply to projectneedles)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: new at bringing a 3rd into the fray - 9/7/2011 9:00:08 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4068
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

quote:

On the contrary, I wouldn't say that thread (or most any other) is what you need.
Oh really now, let's see what your advice is....
quote:

You need to talk with your own partner(s)
quote:

I can't say enough how important it is that you talk with HIM and make sure you're on the same page and wanting to head in the same direction.
Well now, that is pretty much the main point made over and over in the thread I referred her to. Which fact leads me to believe you never even read the thread.

I am inclined to think your reply is tainted by your personal dislike of the posters who created that thread. For shame luci, that's a little petty of you, don't you think?

Arpig,
I know you're insanely adoring of them and that's fine. Please let it stop making you delusional. I read some of the thread. I don't hang on their every word or the every word of anyone here. I read it enough to know the gist. My reply isn't "tainted" by anything. It's my opinon...based on my own personal experience of attempting to have a successful poly relationship....it's what I did. It's what worked for us. And...it's what many people say on many threads here...ask you own partner and that's the best way to know what he or she wants and helps avoid unfortunate miscommuncation.
I don't dislike the posters. I dislike lots of the bs tactics they have used. I'm entitled to that just as you're entitled to jump in and defend them against even imagined slights. There's nothing petty here and I'm not the least bit ashamed of giving the OP some great advice that has always worked wonders for me and mine.
We never had a negative exchange until you began to assume everyone is out to hate on your new pals. Please. Read what I wrote and stop reading nonsense into everything I say.
Good advice I gave and I stand by it...........luci


_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to Arpig)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: new at bringing a 3rd into the fray - 9/7/2011 9:27:50 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline
quote:

I know you're insanely adoring of them and that's fine.
I'm not, I like them, but I don't adore them.
quote:

Please let it stop making you delusional.
That isn't what makes me delusional.
quote:

And...it's what many people say on many threads here...ask you own partner and that's the best way to know what he or she wants and helps avoid unfortunate miscommuncation.
Which is the main point emphasized over and over in the thread you recommended the OP not read.
quote:

I don't dislike the posters. I dislike lots of the bs tactics they have used.
That is a bit of a stretch, shall I give you a quote from one of your posts?
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
Just so we're clear in this instance, it's not Heather's victory so much as the combined effect of otherwise intelligent people who buy into the twisted and bastardised crap she (and her partner) continually spew.

I couldn't agree more, Focus. Master and I have been laughing at what's been going on over the last couple of months but, the truth is, it's really something to be mourned, not laughed at. And, as you pointed out, it's not as much what they say and how they say it as it is otherwise reasonable, willing-to-friendly debate ya people not only tolerating their nonsense and abuse but lapping it up and cheering them on. I've been here about 4 1/2 years with about 3,800 posts and I can count on one hand the number of folks I've truly had issues with on these boards. Then, these people come along (the two main ones and their demented Abbot & Costello act sidekicks) and just start totally disrespecting me and many others. Then their champions - people I'd never had a harsh word with here in years - start attacking too. Actually had the nerve to accuse me of writing something I absolutely did not and then call me a "liar" when I said I didn't. It's crazymaking, Twilight Zone-type bullshit and it's mean-spirited and bullying and ignorant. And no one does anything but chuckle and cheer them on. It's really pathetic.

The bottom line is that if I tried to get away with saying one shred of the bullshit they do, I'd long since been shouted down. So would any newbie and many other established posters. I honestly don't know why people who otherwise have bullshit detectors on 10 and who don't tolerate the know-it-all rudeness this bunch is so good at are eating this up with a spoon. I guess a few half naked pix of itty bitty titties and sitting-on-the-potty shots go along way 'cause that's the only reason I can come up with.
quote:

Diverse opinion is no longer cool etc. And the crowd cheers....

And then gigglesnorts and teehees and shouts down anyone who doesn't love their nonsense like they do.
quote:

And that last sentence gives me pause; has me considering my further participation on these forums (as well as my first signature line). Rule of life No4 - don't bother with places you're not welcome. Quite the drama-queen myself, ay? Still, where are all the male posters going? Because I don't need the intolerant but currently populist garbage such has played out in this thread.

I really hope you stick it out, Focus. Your contributions have always been thought-provoking and valued by myself and many others. Your sig line is very true, esp. here lately but over the years, we've seen 'em come and go, eh? Barge in full of shit and shinola, cursing with every breath and telling us all how it's done and how if it ain't done like that, it's wrong. They're a dime a dozen and, if it wasn't for the insane tolerance of otherwise broad-minded folks, they'd have been on their merry little ways already. Hang in there. Such populist garbage, as you say, too shall pass. We can only hope it's sooner rather than later.........luci
Very broad minded and that makes it so obvious that you don't dislike them. two thumbs up.
quote:

just as you're entitled to jump in and defend them against even imagined slights.
I didn't do anything to defend them, you challenged my advice with some bullshit, so I called you on it, something I do to anybody who posts bullshit.
quote:

There's nothing petty here
Au contraire, it reeks of pettiness. I directed the OP to a thread that stresses over and over the importance of talking to one's partners openly about what one is feeling, and you replied by saying "No don't read that thread, instead take my advice....talk openly with your partners about what you are feeling". Wrap it up however you like, but it is what it is.

You want to know why we have begun to have negative interactions? Because you have begun to make stupid posts like the ones on this thread.


_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: new at bringing a 3rd into the fray - 9/7/2011 9:34:39 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 6464
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		Threads like this remind me just how rare my Alandra is.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

"Respect.... It is the ability to see people as they are, to be aware of their unique individuality" Eric Fromm

(in reply to Kitiara1970)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: new at bringing a 3rd into the fray - 9/7/2011 9:54:14 PM   
Endivius


Posts: 948
Joined: 8/22/2011
Status: offline 		Arpig referenced a very good thread regarding a poly with four women. There are other poly threads you can look for on the forums here, as well as CMail some of the more active members on the boards who are also poly. I suspect you are adult enough to read what everyone posts and make up your own mind on what advice to take, and what advice to ignore. Hopefully the information you get will be of some value to you. Communication is deffinitely a big piece to the equation, I would also suggest that you consider spending more "out" time as a group instead of breaking up into dates. This will create a sense of unity among you instead of being more of a pair of pairs. I do not have as much experience as some of our other members, and I do hope they chime in and can offer you more insight. Good Luck.

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightsofMists
Threads like this remind me just how rare my Alandra is.



Amen.

_____________________________

Complacency Is the Enemy of Progress.

I'm not difficult or wierd; I'm complicated.

(in reply to Kitiara1970)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: new at bringing a 3rd into the fray - 9/7/2011 10:06:51 PM   
Kitiara1970


Posts: 3
Joined: 10/16/2007
Status: offline 		Well, I did read the thread (after reading the back and forth drama on this one), and though interesting, it didn't really help. I have talked to Daddy, we communicate very well. I never hid any of the feelings that were coming up, and discussed it then, and afterwards with both he and she. I suppose I'll let it all sink in for a few more days and talk about it again if the feelings haven't passed. I just don't want to talk it to death and taint what was a really fun time for all. The issues are in my head, not anything anyone else, did or said.

Thanks for the input.

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: new at bringing a 3rd into the fray - 9/7/2011 10:06:54 PM   
MrRodgers


Posts: 3305
Joined: 7/30/2005
Status: offline 		Sounds to me like it isn't quite poly. He's brought in another and not just for play but to 'date' as it were and without you.

Seems to me he has a slave on the side except enjoys the 3's when it suits him. If I am correct, it is not a poly. A poly has you two loving each other and ideally, one where the 3 of you...live together.

I had a poly relationship way, way back in the day. We were not a live-in 24/7 yet I never met one without the other. I knew they thoroughly enjoyed and loved each other.

(in reply to Endivius)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: new at bringing a 3rd into the fray - 9/8/2011 12:21:56 PM   
Miyani


Posts: 82
Joined: 12/4/2007
Status: offline 		That's not what "a poly" is. Polyamory is having multiple loves, multiple relationships, there's no requirement that everyone be in relationships with each other. You're thinking of a triad, which is one form of poly.

OP: It sounds like you're doing the right things. You're commmunicating, you're staying open-minded, you're not letting the little issues ruin your enjoyment of a good thing. And, of course, a new thing. That's the disconnect, you haven't had experience with this, you haven't had "proof" that it can work, from the side you're now on. Give it time, keep talking to the people you care about, and the little twinges will fade. You may still get them every so often - as you subtly pointed out, we're conditioned to think of our partners as "ours," and that's hard to get over. But you're on the right track.

(in reply to MrRodgers)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: new at bringing a 3rd into the fray - 9/8/2011 1:27:36 PM   
SuzeCheri


Posts: 483
Joined: 7/19/2011
From: Outside looking in
Status: offline
quote:

Well, I did read the thread (after reading the back and forth drama on this one), and though interesting, it didn't really help.
Thanks for reading it. I'm glad you at least found it interesting if not directly helpful.

My advice is to echo the communication thing, not just with him, but with her, ideally the three of you together. One suggestion I have is to write it all down, journal about how you are feeling, try to explain the why and when as well as the what, that will help clarify the issues in your own mind before you approach them. The more you understand what is going on in your head, the easier it will be for them to and for the three of you to figure out a way around it.

As well I want to echo the suggestion of doing more vanilla things as a group, that is the one thing that has cemented the four of us as a unit more than anything. It's hard to get jealous of him taking her to diner when you are right there with them. What I see as your main issue is the moments and times you aren't included, so by doing more together as a threesome outside the bedroom, you will reduce the feelings of insecurity during those times when they are doing something as a duo, at least that's how things worked out for us. I used to have the same pangs of jealousy and insecurity that you are having, but I don't any more. I get a kick out of seeing the three of them walking along holding hands, it makes me feel good to know that the people who are dearest to me feel that same way about each other.

Best of luck, this poly stuff is crazy hard at times, but it is oh so rewarding.

(in reply to Kitiara1970)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: new at bringing a 3rd into the fray - 9/13/2011 1:27:28 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 8119
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		In your place, I would develop an independent relationship with her. Hang out with her while she is still local and call/email after she moves. After she moves, don't just get together just for play time, but have some girl time too.

(in reply to Kitiara1970)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: new at bringing a 3rd into the fray - 9/13/2011 7:51:05 PM   
HeatherMcLeather


Posts: 2559
Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
Status: offline 		Also a very good suggestion.

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: new at bringing a 3rd into the fray - 9/14/2011 2:42:53 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 20707
Joined: 2/21/2007
Status: online 		It's times like these that I wish MP posted more. 

I do happen to think that the issues that arise are different coming from the two perspectives.  Entering as a third and accepting a third aren't quite the same.  I find this to be especially poignant in a number of ways. 

Even when it is what you want.  The time is no longer all yours.  The attention is no longer all yours.  The bottom line is that you are sharing all of those things that you didn't have to share before.  Sometimes, that's all you can see, especially if you are focusing on what you feel that you have lost.

The way to balance this is to recognize what you have gained.  In My opinion, the best way to do that is to reinforce the positives.  From your post, I see that you acknowledge these things.  The trick is to not let the negative overshadow the positive. 

The way to do this is to build those positives.  You already see them, which is really good.  You just have to make them stronger.

What does that in your situation?  Sometimes, this can be as easy as spending time as a unit.  At the same time, remember to invest in all of the independent relationships that make your unit strong.  I might be in the minority here, but the best thing (in My opinion) that I ever did for MP and clip to build their friendship was to get the hell out of the way.  Them spending time together, without Me, was one of the smartest things that I've ever done with poly.

I would say the other was making a commitment to spending time together as a group.  In those early days, when we all had different schedules, we all showed that this thing was important to us.  It sounds cheesy, but our "family dinner" night was also our "family meeting" night.  If we had concerns, problems, questions, or even insecurities, we hashed them out sitting at the dinner table.  If we didn't have problems, that was fine, too.  Either way, we were bonding.  It's amazing what you can get out of the price of a pepperoni pizza.

You have the advantage here.  You understand her position in a first person sense.  Draw on that.  Use your experience to your advantage.  You've been in her shoes.  Show her a bit of your world.  Hey, it might not be easy, but it's what you want.

I'm rambling a bit, but I will tell you this.  Both of the males in My life had a core interest in this.  They both love Me and from recognizing that, it was the common ground that helped build what we have now.  If you can tap into that, you have the first step in the path to success.


_____________________________

"Come to the edge, She said.
He said that he was afraid.
Come to the edge, She said.
He came. She pushed him,
And he flew . . ."


http://NE2010.net

Now running "Lady Pact's World".

(in reply to HeatherMcLeather)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: new at bringing a 3rd into the fray - 9/25/2011 2:32:21 AM   
Sunny27


Posts: 133
Joined: 10/9/2010
Status: offline 		Ok I have to ask are you and your daddy just having a bit of fun together or are you also going out?
I ask this as Myself and My Master we also like to have fun with other girls!
Comment back so I know where yopu stand in the relationship thanks!

_____________________________

Don't too much or too little just be happy with what you've done!

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 18
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