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Disillusioned? Can vanilla be enough anymore? - 1/17/2004 5:45:20 PM

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I have ventured into the lifestyle for about a year now and I have had, in this short time, many ups and downs. My initial journey began online. So, I am happy to say those first lessons were mental and no physical harm came to me. When I say lessons, I do not mean training in the lifestyle,persay.But rather the "courtship" period.

The "getting to know you" period I have found is quite hard and often leads to discovering incompatibilty at best and at worst deception. The lack of common goals,wants needs, and locations are easy to handle;these are the facts of life. It is the deception I find hard to get through. There are so many who use the lifestyle to thier advantage and to the detriment of submissives and slaves.

Of course there are a myriad of factors that keep us searching for the right one. I don't want to focus on "fake" vs. "real" Doms/Dommes. I just want to know if others have found themselves thinking that it's never going to happen. It's too hard to find the "one" in such a limited population. Do you find yourself disilluisoned,jaded, and untrusting? And if so,has it become too much to handle? Can you go back to the vanilla world? Can vanilla ever be enough after you have found what you really are?

RE: Disillusioned? Can vanilla be enough anymore? - 1/17/2004 6:20:51 PM

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Hi Tiger. I know Master looked actively for the right kind of woman (long before he was online or even knew all the titles) from about the age of 20. He met me when he was 34. There were a lot of people that thought he was nuts because he wouldn't compromise in what he wanted and expected in a relationship.

I was active in the lifestyle and had a few short term relationships over the first 3 years I was active in the lifestyle, but Master was the first that I knew would work as a 24/7 relationship. We have been such for over 4 years now.

So have faith, and keep looking, and remember, ANY relationship, D's or not, is something that takes time and work.

Sandy

(in reply to tygerluv)

RE: Disillusioned? Can vanilla be enough anymore? - 1/17/2004 6:36:03 PM

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tygerluv:

Like you, this girl began her venturing into this world, 'for real,' about a year ago - after spending between 4-5 years reading everything she could find online, pondering where she 'fit' as the possible variances in, for example, the realm of "submission" are nearly endless.

Also like you, there was strong temptation to just throw up the hands, decide it's a nice idea but doesn't 'work' in reality, and wonder if Anyone 'out there' was real (whatever that means). *smiles*

This girl believes a very large part of the struggle comes from the fact that many join websites such as this one, not really understanding what terms such as Dominant ("I like telling the little woman to jump when I say frog, so I must be a Dominant") or submissive ("gee, i love the feel of a strong man on top of me, so i must be submissive") mean. In not understanding one's self, how can one understand either what they need, or what they have to give?

And there are perhaps many who are truly Dom, sub, TG, TS, gay, etc. etc. who have not considered the responsibilities, or the consequences, of involving themselves with O/others, in such a way. Flushed with the excitement of the myriad possibilities suddenly available, and the knowledge there are others who have 'those' desires, there is strong temptation to dive in, experience all, NOW! --and forget there is another soul involved, with their own needs, desires, expectations and fears.

In the aftermath of a disappointing experience or experiences in particular, it is VERY easy to become disillusioned and be tempted to think it is not possible to find One whom one could fit. But that is not true.

This girl knows a few who have waited for years, using that time to grow themselves, and DID find 'their One.' Others seem to end up with the absolutely perfect One almost immediately, and almost by accident, it seems. Still others are somewhere in-between, struggling with their needs and desires until they DO want to just walk away from it all, but after what to THEM seems like nearly forever (lol) that One comes along.

Don't become disillusioned, or cynical... this is the time to learn yourself, develop the kinds of qualities One would want in you; it is not wasted time, it is more.... preparation time. A girl does not have to be under a Dom, or Master, to learn how her submissive nature expresses itself.

And by the way, this girl did consider trying to go back to 'vanilla' when she struggled with the same sense of disillusionment that you face now - but came to the conclusion it was not possible.... for her.

Opinion only.

facets

(in reply to tygerluv)

RE: Disillusioned? Can vanilla be enough anymore? - 1/18/2004 2:48:22 PM

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I thank the both of you for your warm hearted replies. ~tyger

(in reply to Facets)

RE: Disillusioned? Can vanilla be enough anymore? - 1/18/2004 11:59:55 PM

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From: Santiago, Chile
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One of the most valuable lessons I've ever learned in the lifestyle, is that I am not in search of the perfect slave. I am not in search of the perfect submissive. I'm not even in search of the perfect woman. I learned that what I am most content with, is a woman who is naturally submissive, naturally intelligent, funny, with an appetite for life to match my own. I found the harder I 'looked' the less I'd find, and that I made the mistake of taking a woman I'd just met and hold her under scrutiny to see if she 'matched' my own preconcieved notions of what a woman 'should' be.

Boy, was I wrong.

I found that if I simply enjoyed the company of those around me, and left myself open to the possibilities of what people really were, seeing them as people and not a collection of statistics, ages, heights, weights, hair color, sexual preferences, professional accomplishments, and educational experiences - and instead looked at the woman these things made up as a whole, I found two things. One, that many marvelous women do not 'meet' my preconcieved notions, yet all together, they were women who were to die for. Two, that many women who seemed to meet my prescribed criteria often seemed to 'lack' in some ways, that I simply could not put my finger on.

If you take an original monet and place it under a microscope to look at the picture, it looks very... very boring. Taken out from under the microscope, and you have a work of beauty. Regardless of your preferred role, when you find the right 'person' you'll be left wondering how you ever lived without them. They cease to become a collection of statistics, and together become something wonderful.

Stephan

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"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche

(in reply to tygerluv)

RE: Disillusioned? Can vanilla be enough anymore? - 1/19/2004 3:42:35 AM

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very good Voltare.... has the saying goes never judge a book by its cover , never know what Y/you might find inside. The true beauty of ppl lies not on the outside but on the inside.

(in reply to Voltare)

RE: Disillusioned? Can vanilla be enough anymore? - 1/21/2004 8:57:57 PM

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An excellent response Voltare. May we all remember your words on our travels. ~tyger

(in reply to locachica)

RE: Disillusioned? Can vanilla be enough anymore? - 1/22/2004 7:34:29 PM

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Tygerluv,

When I was seeking my "one" I found the road long and hard. I realized there is no "one" It was'nt until after I realized that I learned how to find what I was searching for.
Take stock of yourself. Do some soul searching. Decide who you are. What you want out of a relationship. Make a list of your wants. Your absolute needs.

Then go out and find that person who also has the same list of absolute needs. If any of the wants happen to be there thats good as well. You can grow together in time. Learn together.

It worked for me in a very quick amount of time when I realized what I needed to do. I'm not saying it would work for everyone. I've been with my Dom for 5 years now in a world where 6 months is normal. A year is a lifetime.

Good Luck in your search.

(in reply to tygerluv)

RE: Disillusioned? Can vanilla be enough anymore? - 1/23/2004 6:05:05 PM

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very well put Voltare

(in reply to sub4hire)

RE: Disillusioned? Can vanilla be enough anymore? - 1/24/2004 9:27:56 AM

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Stephan:

I am in complete agreement with not "looking" for anyone, I think "looking" denotes need and I think need is a poor place to start a significant relationship.

On the Monet score, however, I'll have to disagree. hahaha While Monet is one of Sherri's favs (we have a ton of them in the house) I still tend to see fuzzy when I pull back from the picture. Staring too long at a Monet leaves me feeling like I'm trying to watch a 3-D movie without the glasses. That does not, however, preclude my appreciation of the significant contributions that Monet made to "art."

I'm much more likely to try to find meaning in a Salvadore Dali, but I'm twisted like that. ;)

To answer the original question, a resounding no, vanilla might be fun for a while but it would not satisfy me in the long term.

< Message edited by MizSuz -- 1/24/2004 9:28:43 AM >

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to Voltare)

RE: Disillusioned? Can vanilla be enough anymore? - 1/26/2004 9:26:49 AM

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My original post was penned after a series of let downs. I see now that I was just whining. And I was "looking" very hard. This in and of itself is dangerous as I think subs in this state aren't looking for the right "one",but anyone. I took the advice posted here and reminded myself to take the time to work on me. I have taken a proactive approach. I am out in the community,learning and meeting new people without "searching" for the right guy. Until then I am content and happy with who and what I am. Hopefully, whatever it is that I am will be better when I do come across the "one".

Also, I tried vanilla. I can't. I am stuck here with you nuts.

< Message edited by tygerluv -- 1/27/2004 4:01:02 PM >

(in reply to MizSuz)

RE: Disillusioned? Can vanilla be enough anymore? - 1/26/2004 7:35:03 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: tygerluv

My original post was penned after a series of let downs. I see now that I was just whining. And I was "looking" very hard. This in and of itself is dangerous as I think subs in this state aren't looking for the right "one",but anyone.

What an incredibly astute and bravely self aware statement. Bravo! (I don't agree with it entirely, but if I look at the statement with you as a pronoun instead of "subs in this state" then I see the beauty in it.) Owning that you were looking very hard clears that all up. Truly, very nice.

quote:

I took the advice posted here and reminded myself to take the time to work on me. I have taken a proactive approach. I am out in the community,learning and meeting new people without "searching" for a the right guy. Until then I am content and happy with who and what I am. Hopefully, whatever it is that I am will be better when I do come across the "one".

Self exploration is some of the most challenging and rewarding work you can do. People with a passion for it make for the most interesting company; and like most learnings, once you learn a thing nobody can take it away (barring head trauma). Besides, it's been my experience that people who are complete all by themself are the most attractive.

quote:

Also, I tried vanilla. I can't. I am stuck here with you nuts.

Hahahahaha! Things could be worse. <smile>

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to tygerluv)

RE: Disillusioned? Can vanilla be enough anymore? - 1/26/2004 9:17:35 PM

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ADVISE FOR THOSE WHOM SEARCH:

If you want someone to put you
first, you must find someone
who chooses you first. and not
you them, because it is there
being and desires that will
always complete you and yours.
Your heart should not be given
out untill the one that holds
it can respect it, love it,
and bring it life in their hand.

(in reply to MizSuz)

RE: Disillusioned? Can vanilla be enough anymore? - 1/27/2004 12:39:00 AM

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From: Santiago, Chile
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I'm really...really pleased that the thoughts here helped. Makes it worth all the while to go looking for monet photos online.

quote:

ORIGINAL: tygerluv
Also, I tried vanilla. I can't. I am stuck here with you nuts.

Erm.. thanks? LOL

Stephan

_____________________________

http://www.vv3b.com/

"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche

(in reply to tygerluv)

RE: Disillusioned? Can vanilla be enough anymore? - 2/2/2004 7:39:56 PM

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MistressDREAD

[ADVISE FOR THOSE WHOM SEARCH
If you want someone to put you
first, you must find someone
who chooses you first. and not
you them, because it is there
being and desires that will
always complete you and yours.
Your heart should not be given
out untill the one that holds
it can respect it, love it,
and bring it life in their hand

Very well said Mistress Dread,
Thank you,

Gloria

(in reply to MistressDREAD)

RE: Disillusioned? Can vanilla be enough anymore? - 2/9/2004 6:10:33 AM

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CHOOSES TO POST MY OWN ADVO, WELL JUST BECAUSE....
(looks up at MODII with My Most inocent wicked smile)

MISTRESS SEEKS SLAVES!!BLACK HAIR, BLACK EYES,
6'-290LBS BBBW SADIST POLY DOMME NEEDS SLAVES.WILL
BE 24/7 IN REAL LIFE LONGTERM BUT IF OVER THE INTERNET
IS ALL YOU SEEK WELL I SUPPOSE I COULD FINANCIALLY,
SEXUALLY,MENTALLY,SPIRITUALLY,PHYSICALLY DOMINANT
YOUR EVERY MOMENT. SLAVES WILL WITHOUT A WORD
DO ANYTHING AND EVERY THING I SAY AT ALL TIMES TO
BE GIVEN THE PRIVILEGE OF MY PRESANCE ON LINE OR
BE GIVEN THE CHANCE IN REAL LIFE 2 SERVE. CONTACTS WILL BE
THRU HERE ON COLLARME.COM AND EXPECT TO GIVE UP
EVERYTHING IN YOUR CURRENT LIFE BE IT SOCIALLY OR
MATERIALLY TO BECOME MY POSESSION AND EARN THE RIGHT
TO SERVE ME. MY NEGOTIATION FORMS(CONTRACTS) ARE
EXTENSIVE AND THROUGH AND MOST WILL BE A BINDING
CONTRACT FOR VOLUNTARY SERVITUDE (DOMESTIC EXTREAMIST)
IM NOT LOOKIN FOR LOVE OR MY *ONE SO DONT THINK IT WILL
BE YOU BECAUSE IT WONT. I HAD A LOVE OF MY LIFE ALLREADY
IN A MASTER OF 27 YEARS AND BELIEVE ME YOU WILL NOT BE
FILLING HIS SHOES EVER AS A sa ms. IF YOUR YOUNG,DUMB,
AND FULL OF CUM WITH A NEED TO BE BROW BEAT AND SUMONE TO
SPEND ALL OF YOUR PAYCHECK WITH OUT SEEING ME,IM YOUR GAL,
AND I KNOW THAT ALL OF YOU worthless peon slaves are out
there looking for ME male and female, SO GET YOUR ASSES
ON HERE AND WRITE,MT HAIR AND NAILS NEED TO GET DONE TODAY.
P.S. ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN
A COURT OF LAW......................HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA! BEEN
THERE DONE THAT!!Here is My question to this Board....
NOW WHAT slave OR sub WOULDENT JUST ADORE ME OWNING THEM??
(drops this here while sticking My tongue out at ShadowHwk
whom seems to be playing in the same schoolyard I do alltho
at oppisite ends of the playground and goes in running down the
collarme.com hall to General posts to find where else Im
suppose to drop this as well...scrolls up to read saphires
directions again so I make sure that I am in the least A
consistant Sadist.)

(in reply to tygerluv)

RE: Disillusioned? Can vanilla be enough anymore? - 2/12/2004 5:56:28 PM

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LOL.....Mistress Dread, i am in pure agony at having to read that missive again. thank You.
bijou

(in reply to MistressDREAD)

RE: Disillusioned? Can vanilla be enough anymore? - 2/16/2004 1:28:23 PM

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In all seriousness, tygerluv....the times when i have "looked" for my Dominant, i have remained without one. My two beloveds were met when i was l) trying to do a good deed for someone, without thinking of myself....and 2) when i was simply looking for someone to communicate with, as in a penpal. The sites, and the searching is kind of a fun hobby when looked at it in that manner, but the goal for me is always communication. If one starts to act wierd, or goes so fast as to make You feel uncomfortable, trust Your feelings. it is better to be alone, than to be with the wrong person.
bijou

(in reply to tygerluv)

RE: Disillusioned? Can vanilla be enough anymore? - 2/16/2004 3:50:09 PM

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No it can't.

It was not enough in my marriage. (I'm a perverted Libertarian atheist and she was a vanilla Democrat Catholic.)

_____________________________

When the Lady smiles i can't resist her call. As a matter of fact, i don't resist at all. Well that depends if it is a smile or a grimmace.

(in reply to tygerluv)

RE: Disillusioned? Can vanilla be enough anymore? - 2/16/2004 3:53:18 PM

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Thanks for the offer, again

. *Get the idea some fish might have seen the hook before?

)

_____________________________

When the Lady smiles i can't resist her call. As a matter of fact, i don't resist at all. Well that depends if it is a smile or a grimmace.

(in reply to MistressDREAD)

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