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Being a unicorn - 9/27/2011 9:01:07 AM   
CaHeaven


Posts: 101
Joined: 6/3/2011
Status: offline 		I hear on here that the "mythical unicorn" is hard to find.

From my point of view, it is hard to BE the unicorn. I want to be part of a happy poly family. Happy is the key word there. Why is it so hard to find a relationship where the Alpha sub does not seem to be resentful? I am not looking to take over or push her (him?) aside. I am looking to be just that, a third and secondary to the first.

Relationships are hard, I understand that, and they feel even harder when there seems to be undercurrents of dislike, or subtle digs from one of the people in it. I do not even state on my profile that I am ultimately seeking a poly household because I have become distrustful.

I was told "I do not understand the triad," and that the other person was "trying to teach me", but now that I am out of it, I see that she did not like me. She tolerated me for the sake of him. This is not how I expect a triad to be, one tolerating me, her kisses feeling forced or sarcastic, done as a floor show for him. I do not expect love to happen immediately, but if one of the triad dislikes another, doesn't it soon break?

I am again single and not even sure if it is worth beginning the journey of looking again. I do know that this time, I will listen to my gut. If it seems that one of the couple is unhappy with me, I will continue my journey, not stopping to waste time. Is that wrong, or am I supposed to give it time?

Sorry, I am rambling and feeling a bit lost at the moment. I feel so stupid for staying when I felt not wanted by one of them. It was subtle so I ignored it. It was only after thanking them both and telling them that it was not working out, I can now look at it for what it was.

I do want to state that it was not anyone's fault that this happened. It was simply the chemistry was not there for one of them.

< Message edited by CaHeaven -- 9/27/2011 9:03:10 AM >

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RE: Being a unicorn - 9/27/2011 10:23:32 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 8119
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

She tolerated me for the sake of him.


Given this, the relationship was doomed to failure no matter how much time you'd give it.

I've turned down a few couples because I just didn't feel the chemistry with her. I can hop right into bed with a guy but prefer to have an emotional connection to a woman. Perhaps in your next attempt, you spend a lot of time getting to know her? Being bi/poly does not preclude susceptibility to jealousy, and having an independent relationship with her might ameliorate this.

"The Ethical Slut" has good chapters on jealousy and conflict resolution/communication.

(in reply to CaHeaven)
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RE: Being a unicorn - 9/27/2011 10:40:50 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 4730
Joined: 7/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

She tolerated me for the sake of him.


Given this, the relationship was doomed to failure no matter how much time you'd give it.


Yup, if the first sub doesn't feel secure in her primary relationship, it won't ever work. I'd say the majority of the time that fault lays with the Dom.


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RE: Being a unicorn - 9/27/2011 11:51:24 AM   
SuzeCheri


Posts: 483
Joined: 7/19/2011
From: Outside looking in
Status: offline 		You have hit on something Heather was talking about in her unicorn hunting thread - that all the parties involved have to actively want to be with all the parties involved for their own sakes in order for things to work out.

Not only do both of the couple have to want to be with the unicorn, but the unicorn has to want to be with both members of the couple as well.

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RE: Being a unicorn - 9/28/2011 12:21:14 PM   
Sparklyy


Posts: 2
Joined: 7/30/2010
Status: offline 		I was in a relationship kind of like that. KINDA being the operative word.
My best friend introduced me to her 'Daddy' they had never had a physical relationship and she was currently dating someone else so she encouraged me to date this gentleman. I took my time at first deciding how I felt about the situation. It was not long before I decided this gentleman seemed to understand things about me, even before I told him and a few times before I figured it out myself. I began dating this guy and the three of us were trying to be a family. Well he and I were. She could not make up her mind which guy she wanted and flip flopped back and forth causing pain and confusion for everyone. She began to act snotty towards me and changed from a woman I loved as a sister to someone I dreaded being with for any length of time. Eventually she made it very difficult for me to show him any affection. He seemed to be blinded to her actions by love(?), I had to leave.
The moment I was out of the picture she decided she no longer wanted him, not as before and not as a husband. (One of the final straws for me was the impending wedding) Once she chased me away she left him too and now we are both miserable. I do not know how she is doing because I have not spoken to her since. I do know that it is now too late for he and I to have any kind of relationship.
I feel stronger and braver because I was able to walk out the door that day. Now I know what I want in a relationship, what I will take and what is just not acceptable for me. My advice would be take what you will from the experience, decide what is okay by you and what you will not deal with anymore. For me I will never again let someone convince me to stay somewhere I feel a distant 2nd best.
Best of luck to you in your search.
Sparklyy
(Of course maybe I did not count as a unicorn because I did not date my friend.)


< Message edited by Sparklyy -- 9/28/2011 12:22:19 PM >

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RE: Being a unicorn - 9/28/2011 2:58:06 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 8977
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		OP, if that is truly what you're looking for, I don't think you'll be alone long. As a matter of fact, if you're willing to relocate just about anywhere, you can pretty much write your own ticket. Like Lending Tree....get them to compete for you

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RE: Being a unicorn - 9/29/2011 8:58:12 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 6464
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

She tolerated me for the sake of him.


Given this, the relationship was doomed to failure no matter how much time you'd give it.


I would have to agree with this.

I find two things are needed for a poly dynamic to have the best chance to succeed.

1 ... People involved have embrace poly as there lifestyle for there own internal reasons.... And not for the sake of another.

2.... People involved in the poly dynamic at a minimum need to have a positive constructive relationship with all th other members of the group. This does mean you have to be lovers or best friends.. But negative shit will infect the other relationships and cause stress for the unit.

People makes a big deal about the rare unicorn... I am kinda thinking a couple that is able to accept a unicorn and grow beyond their couple dynamic might be a little rarer. It's easy said that I want a poly family but not so easily done.

To the OP.... It can be done... My girls and I are proof of that. We are approaching seven years next april. And it has been blissfully incredible.

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(in reply to kalikshama)
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RE: Being a unicorn - 9/29/2011 2:52:35 PM   
MistressMeltz


Posts: 115
Joined: 7/8/2007
Status: offline 		Unicorn is a term I just recently learned. Prior to that I had never heard of "it".. I guess we are never too old to learn

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RE: Being a unicorn - 9/30/2011 10:02:10 PM   
Sailasub


Posts: 35
Joined: 9/25/2011
Status: offline 		CaHeaven - you sound like you would make a wonderful secondary sub. Too bad you are in CA.

I think that we Doms like to think that we can have two+ women and because we are so wonderful everything will be fine. The reality is that you have 3 personalities and all of them need to really like each other. I think the concept of Sister Sub is really necessary. The subs need to have similar interests AND want to have another woman to share it with AND like each other enough not to compete AND have respect for each other. Phew. The Dom has to keep an eye on them and recognize when conflicts arise. He needs to solve them before they blow up and do it in a way so there is no "Loser".

My sub and I talked of having a sister sub years ago. My sub started getting friendly (platonic) with someone we seemed to get along nicely but I had to tell her that the other women would not work out. While they liked each other when the three of us stepped out the other woman would grab my arm and strut proudly showing off that we were together. My primary sub would follow us and I could tell it bothered her at least a little. Walking 3 across is surprisingly difficult on a sidewalk. Anyway, I could see the second sub expecting certain "wife" privileges that would not make my primary happy. I had to point it out to her before we got too deep. Somehow it ended up being a mutual decision and luckily the other sub found somebody shortly after and we are all friends. (at least that is my interpretation of what went on.) I ended up telling my sub not to look of and bring forth candidates until we were more ready.

Notice that it was not that we "rejected" the other woman, but that I recognized a future problem. We all really liked each other but the dynamic between the women changed when I was on the scene and I could see trouble coming.



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RE: Being a unicorn - 9/30/2011 10:18:09 PM   
SuzeCheri


Posts: 483
Joined: 7/19/2011
From: Outside looking in
Status: offline
quote:

Walking 3 across is surprisingly difficult on a sidewalk.
Pfft! Try four across. 

(in reply to Sailasub)
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RE: Being a unicorn - 10/1/2011 5:42:48 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 20304
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		OP, your post is interesting.  I hadn't thought about it from the unicorn's POV before.



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RE: Being a unicorn - 10/1/2011 8:43:32 PM   
Sailasub


Posts: 35
Joined: 9/25/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SuzeCheri

Pfft! Try four across. 


Never mind the sidewalk. Unless at least a couple subs were lesbian I would not survive the bedroom...

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RE: Being a unicorn - 10/1/2011 11:23:00 PM   
SuzeCheri


Posts: 483
Joined: 7/19/2011
From: Outside looking in
Status: offline 		All 4 of us are lesbians. This place is a veritable Cunt-O-Rama!



(Well technically one is bi, but....)

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RE: Being a unicorn - 10/1/2011 11:26:17 PM   
Endivius


Posts: 948
Joined: 8/22/2011
Status: offline 		nobody's perfect

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RE: Being a unicorn - 10/2/2011 12:43:52 AM   
Sailasub


Posts: 35
Joined: 9/25/2011
Status: offline 		I used to fool around with a lesbian friend when she was between partners. Calling her Bi was a big no-no. Very confusing. Just like math... I count Cheri and Suzi and Bi... 1-2-3...

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RE: Being a unicorn - 10/4/2011 12:03:07 PM   
Sunny27


Posts: 133
Joined: 10/9/2010
Status: offline 		Ok I have to ask you are you bi?
I would think it's hard to find a guy in a relationship with a girl that was bi!
I guess I don't know many people in that situation!
I think you should find a partner first and then after a while you might or might not decide to find another.
I say this as I've heard of people trying it out with a couple and then if the three all break up then for the person who was interested in being with the couple they then find it much harder to stay in a relationship with one person and want to get another person involved then!

4 years ago before I met my now dom, I was asked to have fun with this guy that was a dom!
This was my first ever time going to a fetish party, I just remember turning to look at the guy with a smirk on his face and I said "have you even asked your sub if she's ok with it?"
He then said "aww she won't mind I can play with anyone and she can do the same"
Then I went off the idea straight away because he wasn't honest with her.
So I said thanks but no thanks.
He was like so pissed off, and a few days later when I tried to have a conversation with his sub, she wouldn't even talk to me!
I just thought how low can people go, you know?
I had thought, we could be friends as she seemed so nice at the fetish party!
She came and spoke to me a few times that night and that was the first time I had ever met her!
Yeah they are now married, and I'm thinking to myself as I'mvery close to my Dom and boyfriend but he tells me everythinglike he doesn't hide anything which is very good.
Good Luck man and you'll find someone surely!

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RE: Being a unicorn - 10/4/2011 8:44:23 PM   
Sailasub


Posts: 35
Joined: 9/25/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunny27
Ok I have to ask you are you bi?
...
I think you should find a partner first
...
He was like so pissed off,


No, I am not bi. I already have a sub and she is not bi either. The key and difficult part is finding someone we both like.

And a Dom should not be pissed off if you simply said no, you don't want to play. I can see being pissed if you insulted him but just saying no is anyone's right. I do see his sub taking his side. After all, they have a "trust" relationship so she is likely to believe him.

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RE: Being a unicorn - 10/5/2011 12:13:54 PM   
Sunny27


Posts: 133
Joined: 10/9/2010
Status: offline 		K if your not bi then you shouldn't even think of trying to be in a relationship with a couple!
Look for a male dom, if you are ever thinking of trying to be bi, it opens lots of doors to knew relationships!
I'm only bi until I'm married as then and only then I'll consider myself straight as I do want 4 children.
Till then I can have fun with girls and my dom so I'm very happy.
If you were thinking of the fun aspect there is watching a couple do stuff together then yeah thats fun, but if you get into an already made relationship as a third as a third, then you have to make sure that besides the master having fun with you, that the other sub is ok with whatever the master asks you to do. Good Luck! Treasurexxx

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RE: Being a unicorn - 10/5/2011 12:20:04 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 23775
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: online
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunny27

K if your not bi then you shouldn't even think of trying to be in a relationship with a couple!
Look for a male dom, if you are ever thinking of trying to be bi, it opens lots of doors to knew relationships!
I'm only bi until I'm married as then and only then I'll consider myself straight as I do want 4 children.
Till then I can have fun with girls and my dom so I'm very happy.
If you were thinking of the fun aspect there is watching a couple do stuff together then yeah thats fun, but if you get into an already made relationship as a third as a third, then you have to make sure that besides the master having fun with you, that the other sub is ok with whatever the master asks you to do. Good Luck! Treasurexxx


Actually, not necessarily true. If you are 'in a relationship' with a couple, it is very possible that one person of that couple doesn't want a sexual relationship with the third person AT ALL. Negating the need for the bisexuality.


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RE: Being a unicorn - 10/5/2011 1:26:45 PM   
HeatherMcLeather


Posts: 2559
Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
Status: offline
quote:

I'm only bi until I'm married as then and only then I'll consider myself straight as I do want 4 children.
The mind fairly boggles at this statement, I mean it really does.

When did licking a little pussy become a form of birth control?


< Message edited by HeatherMcLeather -- 10/5/2011 1:27:51 PM >

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