RE: mono vs poly

Create a
Free Account

As the Collar Turns:

Collarchat.com - BDSM Forum

Home Login Search

RE: mono vs poly

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: mono vs poly

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: mono vs poly - 1/24/2012 7:31:59 AM

sincelo

Posts: 105
Joined: 12/30/2011
Status: offline

I am monogamous.
I have had a relationship with a man who was not and tried to invite other women in to satisfy him but it just led to drama, insecurity, and hurt feelings. Learning that i was not bisexual was a step i needed to take and he had no desire to invite another a man in so really the relationship ended up floundering.
It is shame though because other than that aspect, it was a great relationship. It made me realize how important that aspect is though and if a guy was interested in me and even mentioned poly, I would end things immediately.

_____________________________

(in reply to MyHazelLabyrinth)

Profile

Post #: 41

RE: mono vs poly - 1/24/2012 7:01:39 PM

Awareness

Posts: 1297
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wittynamehere
This is something usually only seen by the newest of newbs. I can't believe you just said that.

Hmmm. The failure to understand that other people have different viewpoints is only usually seen in the most naive of posters. That people fail to hold a view of your lifestyle which flatters your pretensions is entirely your own problem.

_____________________________

Ever notice how fucking annoying most signatures are? - Yes, I do appreciate the irony.

(in reply to wittynamehere)

Profile

Post #: 42

RE: mono vs poly - 1/25/2012 5:35:28 AM

Aynne88

Posts: 3623
Joined: 8/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

quote:

ORIGINAL: wittynamehere
This is something usually only seen by the newest of newbs. I can't believe you just said that.
Hmmm. The failure to understand that other people have different viewpoints is only usually seen in the most naive of posters. That people fail to hold a view of your lifestyle which flatters your pretensions is entirely your own problem.

Well said.

_____________________________

Life is as dear to a mute creature as it is to man. Just as one wants happiness and fears pain, just as one wants to live and not die, so do other creatures.

His Holiness The Dalai Lama

(in reply to Awareness)

Profile

Post #: 43

RE: mono vs poly - 1/25/2012 6:10:56 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 18468
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Re the sharing aspect. Of course it involves sharing. Sharing spaces, sharing time, sharing everything. I don't want to sleep with him only half the time and sleep elsewhere the rest. I don't share well.

There was a discussion on the poly forum some years ago about a female sub who was devastated when her master, after getting a third, would give the new girl the pickle off his sandwich instead of her. For years she had been the one to get the extra pickle, and then along comes the new girl and she gets it all. There wasn't even any sharing. But if there had been, then half the time this woman would still have not had that.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

(in reply to RaspberryLemon)

Profile

Post #: 44

RE: mono vs poly - 1/25/2012 8:50:29 AM

HisPet21

Posts: 276
Joined: 6/7/2011
Status: offline

quote:

Re the sharing aspect. Of course it involves sharing. Sharing spaces, sharing time, sharing everything. I don't want to sleep with him only half the time and sleep elsewhere the rest. I don't share well.

There was a discussion on the poly forum some years ago about a female sub who was devastated when her master, after getting a third, would give the new girl the pickle off his sandwich instead of her. For years she had been the one to get the extra pickle, and then along comes the new girl and she gets it all. There wasn't even any sharing. But if there had been, then half the time this woman would still have not had that.

Well, said, DesFIP! I would just add that, for me, it isn't an issue of "not sharing well." It's an issue of, "not wanting to share." It's hard to describe what I would feel if I had to share my partner with another woman. I don't think jealousy is the right word, or fear either. That kind of scenario would just make me sad. I really enjoy the feeling I get when my partner whispers, "You're my one and only." I like knowing that I am enough for him and that he is enough for me. I like knowing that he can be 100% dedicated to me, and I to him, instead of us both being 50% dedicated to each other and 50% dedicated to someone else. I'm sure it doesn't feel that way to people ion dedicated poly relationships, but I don't think I'd be capable of perceiving it any other way if I were the one in a poly relationship. But that is just my opinion.

I don't want my man's pickle 50% of the time. I want it all the time. (Pun totally intended).

_____________________________

Perpetually in kinky limbo, yearning to get into kinky Hell.

"You don't have to understand everyone's kinks, you don't have to like them, you don't have to not feel "squicky", but it is beholden on you to try not to judge others."
---OP by crazyml

(in reply to DesFIP)

Profile

Post #: 45

RE: mono vs poly - 1/25/2012 9:53:13 AM

RexCorvus

Posts: 84
Joined: 11/27/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wittynamehere

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
I don't share well.

This is something usually only seen by the newest of newbs. I can't believe you just said that. Poly has little to nothing to do with sharing and it pisses me off when I see people perpetuating that garbage. Generally you see it in profiles of brand new sub females, but apparently it also appears in discussion threads, said by supposedly educated members of the community.

If there were an award for ensuring that any point you might have was buried by the needlessly belligerent manner in which it was presented, you'd be in the running for first place. Exactly which land mine did she step on there? I'm guessing it has something to do with the concept of self-ownership, and that one can not "share" another person because one doesn't own them. A not completely indefensible position (although this forum's posters might be particularly inclined to argue the point of whether someone can belong to another), but there's got to be a way to present it that doesn't involve tearing down someone who said nothing bad about poly relationships and those who practice them.

quote:

If you don't like polyamory, just say so. You don't need to give a reason, especially not a made-up one like "I don't share well". If polyamory was about sharing, it would simply be called "sharing". It's not.

In my experience a lot of sharing goes on in poly relationships. Even if you reject the idea that you're "sharing" things like love (which implies people have less love for other partners when they start a new relationship), you're most certainly sharing your loved one's time and energy. Whether or not you want to call it sharing, there's definitely something going on when you consent to being part of a relationship where your partner is physically intimate with someone else that lots of reasonable people would apply that label to. If you want to contend that it's not really "sharing" go ahead - I think you're fighting uphill and won't succeed, but you might convince some people to use different terminology. Or you could jump down their throat and act like they're history's greatest monster, and convince no one of anything.

(in reply to wittynamehere)

Profile

Post #: 46

RE: mono vs poly - 1/25/2012 10:04:45 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 6677
Joined: 6/26/2005
Status: offline

quote:

This is something usually only seen by the newest of newbs. I can't believe you just said that. Poly has little to nothing to do with sharing and it pisses me off when I see people perpetuating that garbage. Generally you see it in profiles of brand new sub females, but apparently it also appears in discussion threads, said by supposedly educated members of the community.

Who pissed in your wheaties?

You don't like my views, ignore them. I don't like poly, I could have been really mean and told you lots of reasons why I don't like it but I was nice enough to say I simply don't share well. And yes imo you are sharing. Don't like that view? Tough.

_____________________________

Breathe
Surrender
Tell me, what is there to complain about?

(in reply to wittynamehere)

Profile

Post #: 47

RE: mono vs poly - 1/25/2012 11:30:15 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 6677
Joined: 6/26/2005
Status: offline

hhmmmm....maybe I'm the only one but reading the descriptions of those workshops it still makes it seem as though there's just no way around avoiding poly in bdsm, that it's sort of pushing poly...how to be monogamous but not reject someone outright as a partner because they're poly or making it seem as though there's different meanings for monogamy...sexual, sensual, ect...but as far as I ever remember the word monogamy when I was growing up it meant one partner...period. Anything else was either swinging, cheating, open relationship or casual sex but it seems everyone wants to put a new spin on words by adding little nuances to the word instead of just saying they're poly or swingers or having casual sex.

It seems as though monogamy these days has become a taboo term.

_____________________________

Breathe
Surrender
Tell me, what is there to complain about?

(in reply to kalikshama)

Profile

Post #: 48

RE: mono vs poly - 1/25/2012 11:46:33 AM

searching4mysir

Posts: 1115
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

hhmmmm....maybe I'm the only one but reading the descriptions of those workshops it still makes it seem as though there's just no way around avoiding poly in bdsm, that it's sort of pushing poly...how to be monogamous but not reject someone outright as a partner because they're poly or making it seem as though there's different meanings for monogamy...sexual, sensual, ect...but as far as I ever remember the word monogamy when I was growing up it meant one partner...period. Anything else was either swinging, cheating, open relationship or casual sex but it seems everyone wants to put a new spin on words by adding little nuances to the word instead of just saying they're poly or swingers or having casual sex.

It seems as though monogamy these days has become a taboo term.

You aren't the only one who noticed that.

I'm mono. I'm not wired for poly. Sharing is a hard limit. Before I became Master's, I told him if I ever found another woman in his bed with him, she would be going home with his balls in her handbag and that IF I became his, that would not change, ever.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Profile

Post #: 49

RE: mono vs poly - 1/25/2012 12:10:54 PM

HisPet21

Posts: 276
Joined: 6/7/2011
Status: offline

quote:

making it seem as though there's different meanings for monogamy...sexual, sensual, ect...but as far as I ever remember the word monogamy when I was growing up it meant one partner...period. Anything else was either swinging, cheating, open relationship or casual sex but it seems everyone wants to put a new spin on words by adding little nuances to the word instead of just saying they're poly or swingers or having casual sex.

I don't think it's unreasonable to consider that people may be "monogamous" in one respect and "poly" in another. Life isn't totally black and white, and neither are relationships. For example, a couple may be sexually monogamous, but both parties may also be comfortable playing with different/multiple partners at a play party, so long as there is no sex involved.

My mother tried to convince me, when I was younger, that a married man should never, ever have any close female friends. Being emotionally "intimate" with another woman seemed like cheating to her. While I believe that something is indeed wrong if a husband isn't emotionally intimate with his wife or feels unable to do so, if he has some female friends he talks to regularly, I don't see any problem with that. And I couldn't stand to be with a man who wouldn't let me befriend other men. So, does that make me sexually monogamous, but emotionally poly? I wouldn't pick those terms, but you can see what I am getting at, right? It isn't all black and white.

_____________________________

Perpetually in kinky limbo, yearning to get into kinky Hell.

"You don't have to understand everyone's kinks, you don't have to like them, you don't have to not feel "squicky", but it is beholden on you to try not to judge others."
---OP by crazyml

(in reply to searching4mysir)

Profile

Post #: 50

RE: mono vs poly - 1/25/2012 12:55:58 PM

Alida

Posts: 45
Joined: 4/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

I could just never manage being monogamous.

I tried and tried but, I would always fall short, eventually. So, in effect, I was a liar and I can't stand liars so ...

I decided (at some point, I won't go into the whole, long, story here) that I needed to just flat-out tell ladies what they can expect from me and let the chips fall where they may.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

I respect this. If I know where things are, I can choose, and honesty and fidelity is way more important than where you stick it is to me.

quote:

ORIGINAL: wittynamehere

quote:

ORIGINAL: NyxPontia
I am strongly one on one. I tried poly, and it ended horribly. I could never do it again.

I'm strongly poly. I tried mono and it ended horribly. I could never do it again.

I was going to comment on that. If everyone ended their monogamous life when their first one failed... maybe we'd be happier?

I'm a practicing monogamous. I don't think I would have problems with poly, and vaguely played with it before, but my husband is strictly monogamous. My love for him overwhelms my desire for another, so I stay with him.

I won't say I don't occasionally ask him how he'd feel about it (in a non naggy way) and rejoice when he recently said that he's more comfortable with the idea now.

While I am personally straight, I wouldn't care about the sex of our partner. So this isn't just about bedroom romps.

(in reply to wittynamehere)

Profile

Post #: 51