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RE: Poly Questions - 1/27/2012 5:45:20 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 8138
Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

I think poly relationships do need an element of structure and roles because it creates security.

It's the women that tend to be insecure, yes? So I think it's very important that the women like each other and have an independent friendship.

I met BJ as a teenager and all the men in my life, up to and including my husband, had no problem with her and I being together.

I think what often sabotages poly is when the Dom's words are "A sister slave for you" but all his actions show the chick is really for him.

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)

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Post #: 21

RE: Poly Questions - 1/27/2012 6:14:40 AM

LillyoftheVally

Posts: 1758
Joined: 7/22/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

I think poly relationships do need an element of structure and roles because it creates security.

It's the women that tend to be insecure, yes? So I think it's very important that the women like each other and have an independent friendship.

In all of my experience the insecurity has come from the men. Mostly because they have expected the relationship to revolve around them and have been shocked that women can actually be bisexual and actually like each other.

quote:

I think what often sabotages poly is when the Dom's words are "A sister slave for you" but all his actions show the chick is really for him.

Totally and utterly right, and the worst way to have any relationship really. I asked the male dominants when I was in poly relationships how they would feel if either of us sub types got a bloke to play with, they were not really happy with the idea unless they could 'oversee' the whole thing and yet they wanted to be able to play with both of us privately if they chose to. The problem is a lack of balance or mutual gain.

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(in reply to kalikshama)

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Post #: 22

RE: Poly Questions - 1/27/2012 6:15:34 AM

Ogrelord999

Posts: 113
Joined: 6/9/2011
From: United states
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Well ... I can tell you , never ever try it with someone whos untreated for a mental condition , and swears they will ... THAT did not work out well!

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The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
~Socrates

" Cold hearted Orb that rules the night ... steals the colors from our sight, red is grey and yellow white, but we decide which is right ... and which is Illusion." ~ Moody Blues

(in reply to Madame4a)

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Post #: 23

RE: Poly Questions - 1/28/2012 6:21:50 AM

possessedone

Posts: 62
Joined: 8/28/2007
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1. Do you feel that poly in a vanilla relationship differs from that in a D/s relationship?

Yes, but not for the reason that most do. I feel like if differs in vanilla from BDSM because of the communication factor. In BDSM we are taught from the beginning the importance of effective communication. We have it beat, (pun intended), into our heads that we have to communicate how we feel about a scene, negotiating everything from the first meeting to the final breakup, safety issues, things in our vanilla lives that may have a role in our play, you name it and we are taught to communicate about it. In vanilla relationships, even though communication is stressed, it is usually not as thorough as it is in BDSM. In vanilla relationships there seems to be more latitude for individual actions on behalf of the entity of the relationship.

2. Do you know of any examples where poly works (if so, how?)? Do you know of any examples when poly hasn't worked?

Yes, I am aware of many examples of poly working. Some of the relationships I know of first hand are your typical "we all live and love together". Some of the relationships I have had the joy of witnessing involve the people all living separately but loving together. There are as many different poly relationships as there are mono relationships.

3. Are there any recommended resources out there?

There are several books on the subject, but like several others who have posted, I haven't read any of them either. I learned more by talking to people and listening to what they had to say. I learned a lot of what to do, and more importantly, what not to do.

(in reply to Ogrelord999)

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Post #: 24

RE: Poly Questions - 2/1/2012 6:28:43 AM

GoddessAlexxa

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Joined: 7/27/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Scotch

1. Do you feel that poly in a vanilla relationship differs from that in a D/s relationship?

Well In our house I have my primary relationship with my husband, he is a top/bottom switch. So he does not have any D/s relationships, just play. He is not a bottom to me ever, as we really discovered bdsm post marriage. Him and I are on equal playing field so we agreed that we would never have a D/s relationship with us.

I also have a submissive who I have a vanilla and D/s relationship with. He started with being my submissive, but eventually things got a bit nuts and we developed a vanilla relationship as well. We went on a vacation, and he asked my husband if he could marry me as well, and hubby said yes so he proposed.

I also have play partner submissives and am looking for a slave.

Each poly relationship is its own thing, if vanilla, part vanilla, or solely D/s works for you, you have to make it personalized for you.

quote:

2. Do you know of any examples where poly works (if so, how?)? Do you know of any examples when poly hasn't worked?

For Us poly totally works, we do not have much jealousy, (at least anymore). Before I met my husband I kept getting bored with one boyfriend. So we opened our relationship, and then developed into a poly relationship. It is more satisfying.

quote:

3. Are there any recommended resources out there?

http://www.lovemore.com/

(in reply to Scotch)

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Post #: 25

RE: Poly Questions - 2/5/2012 4:11:27 PM

Scotch

Posts: 26
Joined: 3/6/2005
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Thank you everyone for your input. It's been a great help for me and for everyone else who's been reading the thread.

Scotch

(in reply to GoddessAlexxa)

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Post #: 26

RE: Poly Questions - 2/6/2012 7:15:18 AM

Ogrelord999

Posts: 113
Joined: 6/9/2011
From: United states
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Personally ... I think one issue we face is the conceptual definitions of many of the things in the community. Yes there are endless opinions and certianly online encyclopedias however I think that the image in many peoples minds dont fallow one perscription here ...

I also have come to think that the fact that so many are approaching this with a sense of fear ... they/feel excluded from normality by the desires that drive them , worried about being physically harmed or even killed especially in a BDSM setting, worried about gold diggers , fakes poseres and freaks (non delightful type) ... So its not inconceavable that few muster the courage or maintain their sensabilities when something "LOOKS" like something they fear ...

Shawn

_____________________________

The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
~Socrates

" Cold hearted Orb that rules the night ... steals the colors from our sight, red is grey and yellow white, but we decide which is right ... and which is Illusion." ~ Moody Blues

(in reply to Scotch)

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Post #: 27