RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ?

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 1/30/2012 4:29:43 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 8139
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I've met plenty of dominant men who cannot bring the kink, which is an essential part of a relationship for me.

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 1/30/2012 6:00:48 AM

Scala

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Thank you everyone for your replies. It seems to me that when we start to talk about sex that , that is the moment to tentatively mention a couple of ''likes'' and see how she responds to this. Maybe I will do some ''pampering'' things as well before it gets to the sex bit ... but i need to think this through. Once again thanks to all.

< Message edited by Scala -- 1/30/2012 6:01:32 AM >

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 1/30/2012 10:15:34 AM

fucktoyprincess

Posts: 1071
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Short answer for me is no.

It's power exchange in the bedroom that I seek. So someone who can't deliver that, regardless of their outside-the-bedroom demeanor, is not going to be a good long term match for me. Could I have a short term relationship with someone like that. Probably. But it wouldn't last long.

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 1/30/2012 5:55:09 PM

stickbreaker

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Scala

Thank you everyone for your replies. It seems to me that when we start to talk about sex that , that is the moment to tentatively mention a couple of ''likes'' and see how she responds to this. Maybe I will do some ''pampering'' things as well before it gets to the sex bit ... but i need to think this through. Once again thanks to all.

Good luck, and remember that your optimism got you into this bind....but it will also get you out of it.
I hope that you don't sacrifice your standards on the altar of doubt and worry. If you think she values her relationship
with you and is willing to work with you (and says so!) then I do not see any problems with trying to
bring it up. She isn't into the lifestyle, but if she wants an LTR then she will want to give you what you need,
presumably since she sees good in you.

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 1/31/2012 7:47:59 AM

Scala

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quote:

ORIGINAL: stickbreaker

quote:

ORIGINAL: Scala

Thank you everyone for your replies. It seems to me that when we start to talk about sex that , that is the moment to tentatively mention a couple of ''likes'' and see how she responds to this. Maybe I will do some ''pampering'' things as well before it gets to the sex bit ... but i need to think this through. Once again thanks to all.

Good luck, and remember that your optimism got you into this bind....but it will also get you out of it.

What a nice thing to say :-) Thank you, as this one sentence has changed my perspective. I am sure that it will all work out.

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 2/12/2012 9:18:45 AM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Scala
So lets assume that she will never have a dominant behavior as we would like. My questions then to all you subbies , slaves , bottoms , servants ... could you have a relationship based on ''normal'' dominance? . Would it fulfill you ? Do you think that it would still be fulfilling in the long term?

This is going to depend on you. I'm the "normal dominant" you're talking about. For Carol, that works fine. She doesn't care about kink. She doesn't care about bottoming. She doesn't care about submission. So for her, I'm a good match because I am "normally dominant". Pretty much for all the rest, she just molds herself to me. She'd probably be a kinky little mynx if she'd married someone else.

I'm going to speculate that you are not such a person. It never would've occurred to Carol to even ask the question you have asked. The fact that you did ask it tells me that it matters to you. If it matters, then you need to know that there is little or no connection that I can see between "normal dominance" and "BDSM dominance". So basically, it's a crap shoot for you. All that being said, I have a lot of faith in the general assertion that there's pretty much always middle ground and two people who want to find it probably can.

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 2/12/2012 9:54:01 AM

LillyBoPeep

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Heeey you're back! Awesome :)

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 2/12/2012 12:38:07 PM

Wheldrake

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
If it matters, then you need to know that there is little or no connection that I can see between "normal dominance" and "BDSM dominance".

Really? I would think that to feel really comfortable as a "BDSM dominant", and be good at it, one would need some "normal dominant" characteristics such as confidence, assertiveness, and willingness to impose one's agenda on others. But I agree with you to the extent that not everyone with those characteristics enjoys explicitly having power over people, let alone restraining, degrading and hurting them. I'm very drawn to sadism and the desire for control, and someone without those traits wouldn't be a good match for me. The OP's mileage may vary, of course.

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 2/12/2012 1:50:02 PM

angelikaJ

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Scala

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

For God's sake, buy a copy of When Someone You Love is Kinky and ask her to read it. It's not going to work if she won't Top you in the bedroom.

That Steven , is not a bad Idea but could also be a shot in the foot as well. Thing is that I really do like her, but find myself projecting my subbie nature onto her. So her asking me to help her take off her boots as a whole different meaning to me than it does to her

After one date?
I think it is premature.

I think you need to keep in mind that this is not a one size fits all world: many people don't like getting their feet kissed and many do; it isn't necessarily a kink thing but one of either sensation or the idea that feet are smelly, sweaty body parts.
The lady may enjoy taking the lead in many things: it is just too early to know yet.

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 2/12/2012 8:06:29 PM

atursvcMaam

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This question leaves you with a batch of choices. in my history i have had a variety of long term vanilla or "Normal" relationships, and some have lasted longer terms than any individual BDSM relationship (although the present one seems to be doing quite well). My inclination, if i become unattached at any point in time, is to search in the BDSM community. It is hard to take the sub out of the boy. In vanilla country, i am often accused of being henpecked. Usually i nod and grin.
Your decision vomes from what you can live without, and what makes something a deal breaker. If she won't, can't, or doesn't want to, can you continue to be with her?

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 2/12/2012 8:42:47 PM

sexyred1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Scala

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

For God's sake, buy a copy of When Someone You Love is Kinky and ask her to read it. It's not going to work if she won't Top you in the bedroom.

That Steven , is not a bad Idea but could also be a shot in the foot as well. Thing is that I really do like her, but find myself projecting my subbie nature onto her. So her asking me to help her take off her boots as a whole different meaning to me than it does to her

That is the problem, and one that many people seem to share. They project THEIR desires and needs on other people, prior to having any sort of communication about the topics.

You will be bound to fail without first taking into account there is another person at the end of the things that you project who have their own desires and needs, which may be completely different from what you want.

I have met many men who appeared dominant in their lives, but were not kinky, or were submissive, etc. Things are not always what they seem.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 2/12/2012 8:44:11 PM >

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 2/13/2012 5:04:52 PM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Wheldrake
Really? I would think that to feel really comfortable as a "BDSM dominant", and be good at it, one would need some "normal dominant" characteristics such as confidence, assertiveness, and willingness to impose one's agenda on others.

You know, on the face of it that'd make sense. I originally thought that too. And, of course, there is the entire question of how does one measure "normal dominance". As I've looked more closely I've settled down into the idea that says they are unconnected. Someone being confident and assertive in one area of their life doesn't mean they will feel so in others -- or at least that's my assessment.

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 2/19/2012 4:46:17 PM

CarolBC

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I'm immediately attracted to naturally dominant people of either gender - I just 'fit' with them. It seems to me that if you hit it off with this woman, go for it! You never know how something will play out. This is probably where I should mention that if you told me 30 years ago I'd be married (!) to a guy (!!), wearing a steel collar (!!!) and doing everything he told me to (!!!!!) I'd...well, I have no idea what I'd think. Getting a dominant personality to be kinky is easier than getting a kinky person to become naturally dominant. You could also think of it as doing a favor for her: you're opening up whole new worlds to her and her resume is absolutely perfect for the job!

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 2/22/2012 5:10:04 AM

kalikshama

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Hey Carol,

Did you have a previous username or am I correct that you are debuting on the forums? I've heard a lot about you; nice to meet you!

KK

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 2/22/2012 7:34:39 AM

JeffBC

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I'll go ahead and answer for her on this one... no previous user name although occasionally I quoted her in my posts. She's a CM débutante. I'll point out your "welcome" to her :)

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 2/22/2012 10:38:40 AM

Kana

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Life is quick. Don't sell yourself short. Go for the whole package.
If she can bring the kink...AND that's what you need...then great. If she can't and you do need it, then skate.
If she can bring the kink...and you like it but it's not needed...nice added bonus. If she can't bring the kink...but all you need is control, then that works too.

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