He wants me to change....?

He wants me to change....? (Full Version)

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Jessymarieh -> He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 8:55:45 AM)
Hi there, I just wanted to share my situation and see if any of you have been in a similar situation. I have been together with my Master for 3 years now, we live together and are usually very happy! Have known him 8 years so we are very close. I just feel like recently he wants me to be something else. For example he wants me to lose some weight. I am not fat, I go running 3 or 4 times a week and eat well! So I joined weight watchers and have stuck to it for 2 months with only 2lb loss. I am human at the end of the day and the fact that he doesn't like how I look is making me upset and my confidence is at an all time low. I have talked to him about it and he said not to get upset about it. He is also annoyed at me because time and time again I refuse to get a tattoo. I told him this when we first met, and I will never change my mind. He always wants me to turn down a promotion at work, which is a 6.5k pay increase. It is just getting to much to handle now, I just feel like I love him, but will never be what he wants me to be. Maybe he just wants me to be a skinny girl, that always says yes, and stays at home all day. I think we need to sit down and talk about what we want.

Baroana -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 8:59:28 AM)
I don't know him, I don't know you, etc. etc. Looking at these facts objectively, however, he appears to be making very unreasonable demands on you. You can't easily lose weight if you're already at a healthy place. In fact, it may be unhealthy for you to reduce your weight. Turning down a promotion (IN THIS ECONOMY?????????????) is insanity. Tattoos don't age well and don't come off easily.

DesFIP -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 9:07:45 AM)
I'm betting he's highly insecure. He wants you to be model thin so all his friends envy him. He wants you to get a tattoo as 'proof' or your devotion. He doesn't want you to earn more than him. Don't you deserve better than this? If your mother/sister/best friend came to you with this would you advise her to become unhealthily skinny? Would you advise her to do something she has always insisted on not doing? Would you say she was wrong to try to improve in her career? Then why would you offer yourself advice that you wouldn't give to a friend?

poise -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 9:22:10 AM)
A relationship should be about working together for the betterment of both involved, not simply by belittling someone to the point of making them feel less than so he can feel better about himself. I'm sure this man has many wonderful qualities that inspired you to stay with him for three years, but I feel he is somehow threatened by your achievments. I agree that it's a good time to have a sit down and talk this out session with him. I wish you the best!

Jessymarieh -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 9:26:21 AM)
Thanks for replying guys! See when you write it like that it's clear he is asking too much of me! I just think we need to have a good chat and discuss it. Better now than never......I'll let you know how it goes!

Baroana -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 9:27:27 AM)
Good luck!!!

DarkSteven -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 9:54:35 AM)
1. You are freaking 5'10" and 151 lbs? if I were your Dom, I might want you to gain a couple of pounds. 2. A tattoo? Why? 3. Turn down a promotion?!?!?! Is he nuts? Has he recently had something to knock his self-esteem - losing a promotion at work, or something similar? I suspect he's trying to make issues and cut you down to his size.

Kana -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 9:55:36 AM)
Really, frankly I see little wrong with his first two requests. He likes a certain body type. He wants her to fit it. If she's physically capable of it, what's so wrong with that? And after 3 years a tattoo isn't being really unreasonable, as long as it's not something stupid, like tattooing Slave on her forehead....although if it had been laid out as a limit when you first met that kind changes things Now, perhaps he could be more supportive about this. She shouldn't need to have crushed confidence and a poor self image...these things can be done in a way that raise self esteem, make her feel more valued for her hard work in trying to please, let her know how much her efforts are acknowledged and appreciated, but overall it's not a ridiculous demand. The promotion, on the other hand... Unless it has manifestations that will affect the relationship (Like extended hours, relocation etc...) I think she's crazy to turn that down.

Baroana -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 9:59:52 AM)
Yeah, I would have to say I vehemently disagree with Kana. DTMFA.

lizi -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 10:09:11 AM)
Losing weight, stopping drugs/drinking, any changes like that are about impossible to do unless the person herself wants the change. It doesn't seem like you are different now then when you met him, having him want you to change now is kind of underhanded. Him asking you over and over to change your mind on a hard limit is crappy. Don't give in, tattoos are forever and should once again be something that you want not something done to placate another. He seems very insecure on this and on the raise at work. About work, it seems as though he's threatened by you getting ahead of him. If you turn down this promotion now then where will you be in 5 - 10 years? At the same level? Will it take 5 years to get back to promotion level again if you turn down the opportunity? If you get a leg up on things now you'll be going higher and earning more at the end of that 5-10 years. If you were to stay at promotion level for 10 years you'd have $60,500 in the bank- that's not counting if you go up from there. Is he willing to pay you the difference not to take it? That's a rather hefty downpayment on a house right there, a car, and a nice trip. You'd be getting somewhere in your life if you weren't paying rent or living with family - why give that up for a man's feelings of insecurity? Why isn't he seeing the advantages for you there and encouraging you to take it? Why saddle yourself to someone who is invested in ignoring your wishes and wishes to keep you at a lower level?

Kana -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 10:14:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Baroana Yeah, I would have to say I vehemently disagree with Kana. DTMFA. It's all good. I tend to view things through the perspective of a 24/7 TPE, so my opinions tend to be on the bit more drastic side. He owns her. That means mind, body and soul. She willingly gave herself to him. If he wants to do something to the body he owns, that's his prerogative. If she can't meet his needs, then she should split. Who wants to serve someone whose basic needs one can't satisfy? And if he can't create a structure where she can meet his needs, and she continues to be unable to do so (Note how I ain't blaming (God, I hate that word) one person or another but am instead placing equal possibilities for any possible failure on both parties?), then he should let her go because it's just damn selfish to hold onto someone under such circumstances.

kalikshama -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 10:15:32 AM)
My mother and second husband were in the same field and their relationship disintegrated when she went for her Masters, which was more advanced than what he held.

Baroana -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 10:21:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kana quote: ORIGINAL: Baroana Yeah, I would have to say I vehemently disagree with Kana. DTMFA. It's all good. I tend to view things through the perspective of a 24/7 TPE, so my opinions tend to be on the bit more drastic side. He owns her. That means mind, body and soul. She willingly gave herself to him. If he wants to do something to the body he owns, that's his prerogative. If she can't meet his needs, then she should split. Who wants to serve someone whose basic needs one can't satisfy? And if he can't create a structure where she can meet his needs, and she continues to be unable to do so (Note how I ain't blaming (God, I hate that word) one person or another but am instead placing equal possibilities for any possible failure on both parties?), then he should let her go because it's just damn selfish to hold onto someone under such circumstances. Pushing her to an unhealthy weight crosses the line into abuse.

Kana -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 10:30:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Baroana quote: ORIGINAL: Kana quote: ORIGINAL: Baroana Yeah, I would have to say I vehemently disagree with Kana. DTMFA. It's all good. I tend to view things through the perspective of a 24/7 TPE, so my opinions tend to be on the bit more drastic side. He owns her. That means mind, body and soul. She willingly gave herself to him. If he wants to do something to the body he owns, that's his prerogative. If she can't meet his needs, then she should split. Who wants to serve someone whose basic needs one can't satisfy? And if he can't create a structure where she can meet his needs, and she continues to be unable to do so (Note how I ain't blaming (God, I hate that word) one person or another but am instead placing equal possibilities for any possible failure on both parties?), then he should let her go because it's just damn selfish to hold onto someone under such circumstances. Pushing her to an unhealthy weight crosses the line into abuse. Yeah-but now you're being dramatic. Nowhere did she say squat about an unhealthy weight. She's 5'10, 150. That ain't fat, but it's not like 10-15 pounds would make her anorexic or be unsafe. This ain't complex stuff. She's an owned piece of fuckmeat. She gave herself to him (Note that the door is always open-the gal can leave whenever she wants). He wants her to do something to satisfy him....for whatever reason. As long as it's not unhealthy and physically possible, it's on her to try. Cripes. They do call this domination and submission right? I wanna right now make a new internet law. We're gonna call it Kana's law. And the law is simply that "On any BDSM website, no matter what kind of claim someone makes, another poster will almost immediately respond with a worst case scenario that is implausible, unlikely and/or physically impossible." Example-someone posts that they are new and have few limits..and the very next post will be some ass-hat (Usually me ) saying "Chainsaws?"

LoreBook -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 10:32:08 AM)
I don't find any of those requests unreasonable (except the promotion one - who doesn't want an extra 6.5k?). I thought that things like that were the prerogative of a "Master". If your "Master" wants you to lose weight; you do what it takes to lose weight. If your "Master" wants you to get a tattoo; you call and make an appointment. If your "Master" wants you to turn down a promotion (I can't imagine why); you turn it down. Otherwise your "Master" isn't your "Master" at all. He may be your Dominant, but if you don't do what he tells you to do, he's not your "Master".

Kana -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 10:38:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LoreBook I don't find any of those requests unreasonable (except the promotion one - who doesn't want an extra 6.5k?). I thought that things like that were the prerogative of a "Master". If your "Master" wants you to lose weight; you do what it takes to lose weight. If your "Master" wants you to get a tattoo; you call and make an appointment. If your "Master" wants you to turn down a promotion (I can't imagine why); you turn it down. Otherwise your "Master" isn't your "Master" at all. He may be your Dominant, but if you don't do what he tells you to do, he's not your "Master". Out of the mouth of babes :-) (Referring both to hotness factor and post count-not being derogatory) edited to add smileys

JeffBC -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 10:38:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Jessymarieh See when you write it like that it's clear he is asking too much of me! Actually, let me put a different spin on that. I'm not one for least common denominator when it comes to relationships. I tend to prefer going for the most I manage. Towards that end, the spin I'd put on this is not that he's asking too much of you, it's that he's delivering too little to you. All of the things you mentioned are things that I have asked of Carol. She's mine -- period. I think the key difference here is that Carol doesn't feel cheated somehow. I ask a lot of her. By her assessment, I deliver value on her investments. She's happy to comply because doing so works out well for her -- she's not the only one giving into the relationship. Like Kana, I tend to view this through the lens of TPE/ownership. But even without that, I like the idea of two people giving the most they can into the relationship rather than the least. Whether that's possible in this situation is, in my opinion, exactly what you two ought to be talking about.

graceadieu -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 10:56:27 AM)
Personally, I don't think those are unreasonable sort of things for him to have the right to demand, considering the nature of your relationship. I know for me, those would be kosher and if my partner ordered me to do them wouldn't upset me. However, that being said, everyone is different. If these things are limits for you (and it sounds like you made that clear to him upfront about the tattoo thing, which does make it a little sketch that he's pushing on it now), then they're your limits and that's totally fine. But you guys need to sit down and work this out if you want your relationship to succeed. Now, it might not - he might not be willing to renegotiate your limits and bounderies, and then you'll have to split. But hopefully you guys can come to some understanding together.

OsideGirl -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 11:07:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LoreBook I thought that things like that were the prerogative of a "Master". If your "Master" wants you to lose weight; you do what it takes to lose weight. If your "Master" wants you to get a tattoo; you call and make an appointment. If your "Master" wants you to turn down a promotion (I can't imagine why); you turn it down. Otherwise your "Master" isn't your "Master" at all. He may be your Dominant, but if you don't do what he tells you to do, he's not your "Master".[/color] Not really. It was brought into the relationship that she wouldn't get a tattoo. He apparently agreed to that because he entered into a committed relationship with her. I'm assuming her job was also discussed before the relationship was committed. The weight....well he can ask and be supportive, but Mother Nature outranks guys that call themselves Masters and it may not be viable for her. I do think it needs to be handled delicately. Calling yourself a Master doesn't mean that you get to go back on your agreements.

Kana -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 11:17:56 AM)
Let's go further grace and point out that this weight loss thing need not be negative if handled correctly. I'm gonna skip the tattoo thing because that's a straight up talk-you had a limit expressed at the beginning, he wants otherwise. But the diet, hell, make a game out of it. Give rewards for each pound, small things, bigger rewards for each 5 pound block. Take her shopping. Do something she likes to do (Maybe even, gag, see a girlie type movie), give the slut orgasms! Lay out lots of positive affirmations, encourage her in every way. And not just that, but I think we are missing out a key fact here-it's hot as fuck when a slave/sub/slut denies herself pleasure as an act of service. In fact, it's kinda the root of all of what we do. that giving of self over and beyond ones personal expectations or rewards because the giving itself is the reward. And self denial can be a smoking hot and sexy part of it. Chain her hungry ass spread-eagled on the bed. Kiss her all over. Start at the face, Cradle her head. Stroke her cheek. Nibble her nape. Blow in her ear while you stroke her all over. Tell her how proud of her you are, how hot her suffering and self denial is, how horny it makes you to watching her give of self to please...even, especially when its something like food. Lick her nipples slow, slide your hand up, down, all around her thighs, vulva, hips, cunt mound...but never actually touch the cunt. Move lower, mouth everywhere-light kisses that flutter and burst, hands busy, coming so close but never making cuntular (Hows that for a coined word!) contact. Drive her to a point of passion that she is arcing her body, begging to be fucking, penetrated, hell just touch my cunt already sorta stuff. Then go to town with every Doms best friend, Mr. Rabbit. Slam that fucker home. No foreplay now,. No fooling around. Just top end vibrating, balls churning on high, slam that puppy in as high, fast and furious, pushing it as far in as humanly as possible... All the while grinding those lovely rabbit ears against her greedy little clit, hard press, soft press, hard press, soft... Wait till she is on the edge of her first orgasm (Which should occur in about .1 seconds), then finish off just as she's letting go by driving a big fat plug up her ass. Make her world explode. I'm talking stars, rockets, fireworks, the whole nine yards. I'm talking break the bed, wake the neighbors, set off car alarms type screaming and bucking. Then continue for about 2, maybe 3 hours like that, smashing her through orgasm after orgasm till she is a sopping spent mess with a big fat well used puffy cunt begging like the broken soul that she is to, "Please, please, no more orgasms. I can't take any more" as she lays in a puddle the size of Lake Ontario. Yeah-I'm pretty sure my weight loss program wouldn't work.

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