Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (Full Version)

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Blonderfluff -> Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/1/2014 7:13:43 AM)

As I am continuing my journey to finding that elusive Dominant man that will be compatible with me, I have encountered something frustrating, and wanted to see if others have as well. I am guessing you know the type. Says He's is "a Dominant". However, after emails, texts and phone calls, when you meet He seems...less than Dominant. He is almost deferential. I'm not saying I don't want Chivalry. Good manners. But there seems to be a great deal of over-hesitancy. That first touch....cautious , with a look in his eyes that is almost asking permission. WTF?? You want to hold my hand? MEAN it!! Give me a first impression of your desire to lead, own, rule. Don't ASK permission like a 'nilla metrosexual guy. If I wanted that, THEY are easy to find.

Have you found this often? For me, it is a huge turn-off. Makes me dry up to a dust bowl. :(
Any opinions on WHY this brand of Dom is so hesitantly pleading with his eyes for your acquiescence?



DarkSteven -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/1/2014 7:25:03 AM)

Is it all right if I post a response to this?

[sm=couch.gif]



Blonderfluff -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/1/2014 7:34:47 AM)

[sm=ofcourse.gif]
I guess.....



Kana -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/1/2014 7:36:09 AM)

quote:

ave you found this often? For me, it is a huge turn-off. Makes me dry up to a dust bowl. :(

You ain't alone.I've heard tons of gals complain about exactly this over the years.
Its probably the single most common complaint I hear (Well,other than men are stupid filthy sex obsessed swine...which, it must be admitted, is kinda true)

Personally I think I'm a dickhead.I tend to shoot straight from the hip, let peeps know exactly what I'm about and what I want/expect/desire. Not only hasn't that offended women I've met on here,many have tended to find that attitude/approach a refreshing breath of fresh air. They were freaking delighted to meet a guy who wanted to take charge.
First night I met mouse,we went to a Thai place. I like Thai food, eat it all the time,so when the waiter came by I looked at her, said, "Do you mind if I order for both of us?" and then proceeded to order a nice blend of items-the whole three course meal thing,food,apps,drinks.
She loved the approach, but also liked that I was polite enough to ask. The combination made for instant soggy snatch.
It was a good start to the evening

In control but not an overweaning ass is always a good tactic




quote:

Any opinions on WHY this brand of Dom is so hesitantly pleading with his eyes for your acquiescence?

I think in many ways it's a net thing. Its what either HNG's do,or it's a sign of a newbie...kinda like a new driver drives with real hesitation,lots of balking, stall-outs, wrong turns and incorrect decisions and a general sense of WTF terror.
I think it's far less common in people who've been in a BDSM interaction or three,have a clue what it's about and understand that some women want to be taken and led.



Phoenixpower -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/1/2014 7:44:28 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Blonderfluff
Any opinions on WHY this brand of Dom is so hesitantly pleading with his eyes for your acquiescence?


Maybe cause they arent Dom in the first place and hoped to get a girl easier this way?



Blonderfluff -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/1/2014 7:47:20 AM)

God! Thank you Kana!! I'm soooo glad you understand what I'm talking about!
A few years ago, I went to a Dungeon party for un partnered subs/slaves. Everyone else was to dress in black. We were dressed in red.
It was great fun. I was approached by a very tall(I'm a sucker for tall) gentlemen who seemed very intent on wooing me. We had a great night, a little play, and some of my "subbie spidey senses" were starting to tingle. I did something I NEVER usually do. I took him home.

Well. By the time I was nakey, I was getting a bit of a let down. When he asked for the FOURTH time "are you alright?" I was done.. That orgasm marched into the closet, never to return that night. We HAD negotiated and discussed limits. He knew what was okay. He just didn't have the courage to TAKE it.

~ sigh~. Lesson learned about moving too quickly.



smileforme50 -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/1/2014 7:51:30 AM)

I think for a lot of guys (ok...I could be wrong....) ....but I think for a lot of guys, even true Dominants, they are still influenced by the expectations and "rules" in vanilla society, and they are just trying to be careful. I agree that reaching over and taking your hand without asking first is not only acceptable but a real turn-on, but I think a lot of men are just trying to be careful to not be accused of sexual assault.

Yeah I know that taking the woman's hand without asking her first isn't sexual assault, but ever since the acceptance of the concept of "date rape", men need to be very careful about what they do. There are still a lot of women out there who might misinterpret what the man may consider to be a completely innocent gesture.

These Dominant men may be true Dominants through and through, but until they get to know a woman face-to-face (because we all know how different someone's "in person" can be from their "online") they may feel it necessary to play it close to the vest. I don't blame them. Personally I never have a lot of expectations for the first couple of meetings, but if this hesitation goes on for too long, then I will lose interest.



Blonderfluff -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/1/2014 7:58:13 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

I think for a lot of guys (ok...I could be wrong....) ....but I think for a lot of guys, even true Dominants, they are still influenced by the expectations and "rules" in vanilla society, and they are just trying to be careful.

If I were dating vanilla, then this would be absolutely true. However. Prior to meeting, there would have been lengthy emails, texts and phone conversations about wants, needs and limits. We would BOTH be aware that this was NOT a vanilla first meet.



ResidentSadist -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/1/2014 8:16:01 AM)

I think Kana nailed it. You don't have to be impolite to be in control. Too many think dominance is an excuse to be rude. To get the measure of a man, look at how he treats those that serve him. Hell, I can objectify someone without being rude. I'll be a chauvinistic asshole full of macho cliches, but "slut", "baby girl", "sweetheart" and "good girl" isn't rude when used at the right time with the right person.

I think the OP describes fear and a lack of self confidence. You see, even if I am mostly polite, I don't give a shit if someone does think I am rude. So I tell it like it is and I am not afraid to "shoot straight from the hip" and make my desires or intentions known. I feel that my control comes from exposure . . . exposing who I am and what I want. Not hiding myself or my intentions. I am not fearful of expressing desires or crossing boundaries that might offend you. I am not afraid because your approval or disapproval won't hurt me, change who I am, what I desire or what I think about myself. I don't need anyone's approval or acceptance, I am my own man.

But I am an asshole and Kana says he is a dickhead. So what did ya' expect?



Spiritedsub2 -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/1/2014 8:17:34 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Is it all right if I post a response to this?

[sm=couch.gif]

[sm=rofl.gif] That was perfect!

To OP, my undoubtedly unpopular opinion is that those men aren't dominant. They may be kinky, and may want to top, but they aren't dominant.



windchymes -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/1/2014 8:18:56 AM)

I think this goes along with what I said in another thread about some not being able to distinguish between fantasy and reality. They come in here, or other sites, or maybe they even go to public BDSM events, and they get wrapped up in the theatrics or maybe long for what they perceive as the ego booster of being The Dominant Master. But then they get in a real life situation where they actually try to BE that dominant and they just don't have it in them. I'd actually rather start out with him being a little bit unsure of himself than be one of those who meets you and then grabs your boob and starts twisting because he thinks that is the way the Domly Dom is supposed to act.

On the other hand, asking permission to simply hold my hand would be a bit of a turn-off, when all you have to do is test the waters with a touch and gauge the reaction. Gauging is a domly thing to do, lol. It's much more of a turn-on to have him "gauge" that I wouldn't mind my hand held or being kissed. I know that no one should be expected to be a mind-reader, but a little bit can be sooo sexy.

In all fairness, with practice, they might build confidence and get comfortable in their Dom-skin. Smooth over the grey area between wimpy and quietly in control. In more fairness, the perceptions and attitudes of the new submissive might play a big part in how they act, too.



smileforme50 -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/1/2014 8:26:19 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Blonderfluff


quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

I think for a lot of guys (ok...I could be wrong....) ....but I think for a lot of guys, even true Dominants, they are still influenced by the expectations and "rules" in vanilla society, and they are just trying to be careful.

If I were dating vanilla, then this would be absolutely true. However. Prior to meeting, there would have been lengthy emails, texts and phone conversations about wants, needs and limits. We would BOTH be aware that this was NOT a vanilla first meet.


But as I said
quote:

but until they get to know a woman face-to-face (because we all know how different someone's "in person" can be from their "online") they may feel it necessary to play it close to the vest.


There are a LOT of people out there....Doms and subs....who can talk the talk online and on the phone like a pro....but once you get them face to face, it can all change. And I'm not talking about just Doms here....I'm talking about subs as well. There are a lot of subs out there who will say over and over that they want a Dominant partner....and maybe in their fantasies they do, but the minute they are actually faced with such a situation, they freak out about it, and that can put the Dominant in a bad situation and can get him into some trouble he's not looking for.

Like I mentioned before, the concept of "date rape" has changed the way we interact. Unlike years ago, the philosophy now is that things must stop the minute one partner says they want them to stop. (Usually the woman telling the man to stop...but not always)....and if the other partner ignores that request, they can end up in a lot of trouble.

Even in bdsm...the submissive might even put the implements directly into the Dominant's hand and say "Please beat me Sir". But that doesn't mean that after the session is over, the submissive isn't going to go to the polica and say "This guy beat me....look at the marks and bruises he gave me". I think it is because of those kinds of possibilities that some Dominants do come across as hesitant, especially with a new submissive.

There are also a lot of subs out there who have a touch of PTSD and sometimes what most of us would think of as an insignificant gesture might trigger a reaction the Dominant never expected. He just cannot be sure until he has spent some time with her and gotten to know her "in person", and I think some Doms just prefer to play it safe in the beginning....and I don't blame them.

But like I said....if it goes on for more than 2 or 3 meetings....I would probably lose interest.



smileforme50 -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/1/2014 8:36:43 AM)

I liked what an old vanilla bf did on our first date. We had been sitting in his car talking for awhile (after a nice dinner) and he said "I was going to ask permission to kiss you, but I changed my mind and decided I'm just going to do it".....and leaned over and gave me a kiss that totally weakened my legs (thank heaven we were already sitting....)

I liked what he did because yes, he just decided it was what he wanted to do and then just did it, but he also did it in a way that still left me with an (albeit very brief) opportunity to say "no".



OsideGirl -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/1/2014 8:39:05 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

I think this goes along with what I said in another thread about some not being able to distinguish between fantasy and reality. They come in here, or other sites, or maybe they even go to public BDSM events, and they get wrapped up in the theatrics or maybe long for what they perceive as the ego booster of being The Dominant Master. But then they get in a real life situation where they actually try to BE that dominant and they just don't have it in them. I'd actually rather start out with him being a little bit unsure of himself than be one of those who meets you and then grabs your boob and starts twisting because he thinks that is the way the Domly Dom is supposed to act.


Agreed. I'll also add that a lot people without experience tend to view D/s as "I'll tell her what to do and she'll do it. How cool!" They have no concept of the dynamics that go into a power dynamic relationship. I view them as someone that wants control, but really isn't Dominant. So, once they get to that first meet, they're lost.

Personally, I think there is a good sized chunk of people into D/s - M/s because they have personality/relationship issues and the D/s-M/s hides those issues or can be used as a crutch.



windchymes -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/1/2014 8:47:00 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

I think this goes along with what I said in another thread about some not being able to distinguish between fantasy and reality. They come in here, or other sites, or maybe they even go to public BDSM events, and they get wrapped up in the theatrics or maybe long for what they perceive as the ego booster of being The Dominant Master. But then they get in a real life situation where they actually try to BE that dominant and they just don't have it in them. I'd actually rather start out with him being a little bit unsure of himself than be one of those who meets you and then grabs your boob and starts twisting because he thinks that is the way the Domly Dom is supposed to act.


Agreed. I'll also add that a lot people without experience tend to view D/s as "I'll tell her what to do and she'll do it. How cool!" They have no concept of the dynamics that go into a power dynamic relationship. I view them as someone that wants control, but really isn't Dominant. So, once they get to that first meet, they're lost.

Personally, I think there is a good sized chunk of people into D/s - M/s because they have personality/relationship issues and the D/s-M/s hides those issues or can be used as a crutch.


VERY true.



FelineRanger -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/1/2014 8:50:44 AM)

I could justifiably be accused of being a "hesitant dom" when it comes to approaching someone because my home and 'nilla life are nowhere near where I want them to be. My most recent ex (who I am still very good friends with, BTW) made the accurate point that I need to have something to offer besides my godlike presence and supernatural abilities in the bedroom. That being said, if all that emailing and discussion had taken place already, the hesitation is entirely unnecessary. Then again, I did introduce myself to the aforementioned ex at a play party by massaging her legs before I even knew her name ...



OsideGirl -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/1/2014 8:58:37 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

I think Kana nailed it. You don't have to be impolite to be in control. Too many think dominance is an excuse to be rude. To get the measure of a man, look at how he treats those that serve him.
Master is the same way. He is polite, but very firm. I have always said that if you want to know how he is watch how he treats the waitress/waiter.



smileforme50 -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/1/2014 9:03:28 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Agreed. I'll also add that a lot people without experience tend to view D/s as "I'll tell her what to do and she'll do it. How cool!" They have no concept of the dynamics that go into a power dynamic relationship. I view them as someone that wants control, but really isn't Dominant. So, once they get to that first meet, they're lost.



So true....There are so many "Doms" I have talked to that make me think that their whole reason for calling themselves "Dominant" is because they think it will get them unlimited blow jobs without any argument or protest....something they apparently have trouble finding with vanilla women.



subinatrix -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/1/2014 9:06:29 AM)

Does this notion of over cautious work in reverse? What about a sub who can not talk the talk online, who only opens up in person. Who hesitates thru analysis, and makes it seem impossible for a Dom to get past the initial emails. While the Top might be cautious of being trapped by unscrupulous persons like smileforme50 mentioned, she is over cautious of vulgar men who can lie well.

What about the sub who is like a fawn, do they stand a chance to keeping a Dom's interest? Or is there a thread that talks about this side already?



OsideGirl -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/1/2014 9:16:23 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: subinatrix

Does this notion of over cautious work in reverse? What about a sub who can not talk the talk online, who only opens up in person. Who hesitates thru analysis, and makes it seem impossible for a Dom to get past the initial emails. While the Top might be cautious of being trapped by unscrupulous persons like smileforme50 mentioned, she is over cautious of vulgar men who can lie well.

What about the sub who is like a fawn, do they stand a chance to keeping a Dom's interest? Or is there a thread that talks about this side already?


There's a difference between being cautious and being skittish (like a fawn). Being skittish is tied to lack of confidence in your own decisions. (Which oddly enough means that you're good target for manipulators) I would tell someone like that to work on their instincts and self confidence before going into any relationship.

There's a good book: Powered by Instinct: 5 Rules for Trusting Your Guts



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