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Dom/Sub Relationship versus vanilla? - 7/2/2014 9:40:44 AM

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Once a person is in a Dom/Sub relationship as a Sub (non 24/7), can they do the following?

1. Still maintain a vanilla relationship with someone else other than their Dom?
2. Can they ever go back to a vanilla, non D/s relationship?

I am most curious?

RE: Dom/Sub Relationship versus vanilla? - 7/2/2014 9:43:16 AM

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1. I would think that this is something that the two need to work out for themselves. There is such a thing as polyamory/open relationships.

2. I think each individual can only answer this for themselves.

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RE: Dom/Sub Relationship versus vanilla? - 7/2/2014 9:44:06 AM

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1. If they're not in a monogamous relationship, sure. The couple would have to decide whether they were okay with having a poly relationship.
2. It depends on the person, whether they want a vanilla relationship or not.

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RE: Dom/Sub Relationship versus vanilla? - 7/2/2014 9:58:28 AM

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1. If everyone involved is in agreement.
2. That's individual to each person. I wouldn't go back to a non D/s relationship but that's me.

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RE: Dom/Sub Relationship versus vanilla? - 7/2/2014 12:33:43 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zman2014

Once a person is in a Dom/Sub relationship as a Sub (non 24/7), can they do the following?

1. Still maintain a vanilla relationship with someone else other than their Dom?
2. Can they ever go back to a vanilla, non D/s relationship?

I am most curious?

Fella, you are not making much sense to me. You have confused a D/s relationship dynamic with Topping & bottoming.

You are a male submissive looking for a Domme. You say you have a partner who has her own Dom.

You and your partner are mismatched. Vanilla has nothing to do with this, unless you happen to be married and have both agreed to seek your BDSM pieces on the side.

Which would mean you have an open marriage/relationship. If you're not married and/or not raising children together, then whyTF would you even bother to stay as a sub/sub couple?

Because this is what it boils down to. Neither one of you is truly available to commit to more than a part-time Master or a part-time Mistress.

I've known two sets of sub/sub married couples, one set with an open marriage where they each had their side Dominant, which they kept like dirty little secrets from others outside this poly circle arrangement.
Both couples made one another miserable, each one desperately resenting the other for not being able to meet their respective needs by filling the role of Dominant in their lives.

You are both play acting D/s when it's really BDSM Topping you both crave. Can either of you go back to a strictly vanilla relationship with one another? Not likely. Not once you've had a taste of forbidden fruit. Good luck with that.

But by all means, keep up the sham in the name of D/s, instead of owning up to your kinky bottoming urges. Justify hypocrisy in the course of practicing your BDSM fetishes/kinks and other pseudo forms of para-D/s.

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RE: Dom/Sub Relationship versus vanilla? - 7/2/2014 6:21:41 PM

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But some sub/sub couples maintain that successfully for years. They find married dominants who don't expect them to be there every hour of the day. They all talk about what they want to do and what the spouse's limits are.

You just have to decide that your limits include anything that is detrimental to your marriage.

Which may mean giving the spouse veto power over your other relationship if he/she feels they are trying to break you up.

Is it doable? Yes.
Is it a lot of work? Also yes.
But the fact that it may require more work does not mean it cannot or should not be done.

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RE: Dom/Sub Relationship versus vanilla? - 7/2/2014 7:25:39 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: InHisHeart

1. If everyone involved is in agreement.
2. That's individual to each person. I wouldn't go back to a non D/s relationship but that's me.

Just about any sort of relationship can work out for the parties involved, if they're committed to working at it.
It's possible for OP's sub/sub relationship to be one of those. But he didn't ask whether each of them having their own Dominant was a feasible option.

He posed as follows:
1. [Can the female sub half of the sub/sub couple] still maintain a vanilla relationship with [the male half of the sub/sub couple] other than [her] Dom?
2. Can [the sub/sub couple] ever go back to a vanilla, non D/s relationship?

This is not asking for feedback on how to incorporate a poly dynamic into their relationship.

ETA: FYI InHisHeart, I agree with your quote, but am addressing the other posters at large, while inviting OP to provide further clarification if necessary.

< Message edited by FieryOpal -- 7/2/2014 7:35:48 PM >

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RE: Dom/Sub Relationship versus vanilla? - 7/2/2014 8:07:22 PM

Gauge

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zman2014

Once a person is in a Dom/Sub relationship as a Sub (non 24/7), can they do the following?

No.

quote:

1. Still maintain a vanilla relationship with someone else other than their Dom?

No.

quote:

2. Can they ever go back to a vanilla, non D/s relationship?

No.

quote:

I am most curious?

No.

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RE: Dom/Sub Relationship versus vanilla? - 7/2/2014 8:09:28 PM

Gauge

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Picture didn't post...

Attachment (1)

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RE: Dom/Sub Relationship versus vanilla? - 7/3/2014 7:40:43 AM

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Just about any sort of relationship can work out for the parties involved, if they're committed to working at it.

Omfg...

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RE: Dom/Sub Relationship versus vanilla? - 7/9/2014 2:18:35 PM

CloakedProtector

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Of course you can get out. BDSM may use terms like 'slaves' but it are metaphors for submissive.
We are not in 18th century slavery here.

So if you want out of a D/s because you find out it is not what you expect then you can.
If you signed a contract there may be terms on how this works BUT in no way in Europe/US-Can/Australia and many other countries would it be possible that the contract is a worded equivalent of limiting your physical freedom.
By United Nations only states can do that. It is called "Prison" after a fair trial.

And D/s to vanilla, vanilla to D/s it is all possible. Of course there is the topic of credibility. There comes a point where you will/may not yourself believe that you are sub or Dom.

In that case you use BDSM as play which is perfectly all-right as long as you inform the other person that that is what it means to you so that no false expectations are created.
You could then best use the Top/bottom model and play in upfront agreed upon windows, roles and limits/disciplines.

And by the way, several typical types of BDSM play made it since long into the vanilla lifestyle. Blindfolds, simple bondage, cuffs, several fetish variations , etc.

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RE: Dom/Sub Relationship versus vanilla? - 7/10/2014 7:20:47 PM

seekingOwnertoo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zman2014

Once a person is in a Dom/Sub relationship as a Sub (non 24/7), can they do the following?

1. Still maintain a vanilla relationship with someone else other than their Dom?
2. Can they ever go back to a vanilla, non D/s relationship?

I am most curious?

Can I ask for clarification, on your use of the word ... relationship?

While everyone is different, and we all have different needs and desires ... I believe the definition of the word ... relationship is key.

I am expert at having sex for a while with women, and in my youth, different ones on different nights of the week. But I did NOT think of those as a relationship. It just is what it is ... a convenient sex partner.

Conversely, when I am mentally and emotionally involved in a relationship, I cannot even consider going out with, much less having sex with ... another.

The point is: your use of the word in the questions is very poorly defined. And each person will respond based on their view of the word ...

There needs to be a common definition, if you really desire a response that makes any sense.

< Message edited by seekingOwnertoo -- 7/10/2014 7:32:29 PM >

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RE: Dom/Sub Relationship versus vanilla? - 7/18/2014 9:19:56 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zman2014

Once a person is in a Dom/Sub relationship as a Sub (non 24/7), can they do the following?

1. Still maintain a vanilla relationship with someone else other than their Dom?
2. Can they ever go back to a vanilla, non D/s relationship?

I am most curious?

1. No. "Two cooks...".
2. You can.

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RE: Dom/Sub Relationship versus vanilla? - 9/3/2014 7:01:11 PM

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1. I doubt it , but that's between the three involved I guess. I've never seen it work
2 I find it hard to be. But I think that's also a personal choice

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RE: Dom/Sub Relationship versus vanilla? - 9/9/2014 7:05:36 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zman2014

Once a person is in a Dom/Sub relationship as a Sub (non 24/7), can they do the following?

1. Still maintain a vanilla relationship with someone else other than their Dom?
2. Can they ever go back to a vanilla, non D/s relationship?

I am most curious?

1. Even in 24/7 TPE at the very least 33.3% of your life is going to be vanilla. If by some miracle you can swing 66.6% non vanilla I'd like to know the island you're living on. WIITWD should always be consensual and the people in orbit around your life, friends, family, ums, employer, coworkers, postman, are not consenting to your dynamic and, in some cases, you interact with them daily. Your dynamic is your dynamic and the most inexperienced show, and very telling, is a non-consensual (public) display of Dominance/submission. If your dynamic is sound, Dominance/submission exists in the nilla world and is reaffirmed privately.

2. You can live on tofu, and if you've never had steak, you won't miss it.

Jus sayin

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RE: Dom/Sub Relationship versus vanilla? - 9/9/2014 1:51:44 PM

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Yes to both questions if all partners involved are ok with the arrangement.

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The pride of the slave girl is the pride of the girl who knows that no other woman is the equal of herself.' "

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RE: Dom/Sub Relationship versus vanilla? - 9/13/2014 7:21:50 PM

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I do believe yes for both. It's really up to the individual(s) to do what they think is appropriate. It isn't too hard (for me). You can always go back, just separate different relationships. Think of it as this: Never mix business with pleasure or personal".

(in reply to eliseobeys)

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