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Juliaoceania,

Your right up to a point, after a good sleep I could see the confusion in my post.

However – wanting or needing a younger Dom – is totally out of the question, I’ve tried them they are so much in need of a mother figure, to wipe their snotty nose – rather then wanting a companion.  They are too immature for my liking.


And yes – I do want to be in control in the beginning of a relationship expressing my needs.  In fact I hate men, but I also have a need for them if they can fore fill my needs forcefully then I have to (Reciprocate).


Unlike many others survivors as myself, that have hit the drugs – prostitution to hide their hurt pain – or have committed suicide along their path in trying to reach out.

Myself I believe I am a fighter and surviving the best way I know how. However my life and needs will continue – just as yours will. Despite what went down here today? Throughout my life I can say I’ve tried my best and it will continue.  

I used to think that everything happened for a reason. Things happened, and in the end things could be explained away, put into neat little boxes, filed away with an explanation something to be learned from something to be gained from.

Maybe I am an exception – and don’t fully understand, (Life) as yet whether or not thats true or false, I’ve yet to learn. But what I do understand is trial and error.




Okay, ok – I’m ranting here.



Some of my poetry



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The poems below are about my struggle and the awareness of that struggle. It also refers to my attempts to acknowledge where I am in my life’s journey and how I will try to turn my life around.

 
 
 
Author –Kimberly-j - All Rights Reserved
2005
 
 
 
INNER-ME #1
 
 
 
Sometime I ponder life of how it was meant to be,
Without the deep shadows that life passed over little me, now most times I’m within myself amongst the valleys and the trees with all the wild loving animals of the forest talking just too me.
 
My Mother will be there, standing tall, right next to me and all the beautiful flowers and wonderful tall trees – Nature, as it was to be, wrapping me in the warm colours of her rainbow. Most times it’s where I go, seeking the innocent child within.
 
See that little tree over yonder, oh yes, that might just be me, reaching up for light hopeful of being seen as I move from the shadows of the darkened hills that once enclosed me.
 
As I look around, I see a warm and sparkling stream flowing next to me, as it travels through life’s journey. When next you gaze upon a tree, I hope you may think of life and little Kimberly.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
REFLECTIONS #2
 
 
 
Sitting watching you watching me, reflections in the waters of the mountain stream, I see the look in those sad eyes Kimberly gazing at me, looking back at my reflections of my inner self.
 
The mirror image, my own reflection, yes the inner me. Those big tormented eyes, the mirrors to my soul.
 
Gazing upon my reflection, I struggle with my torment and dream of being free.
 
What say, reflection - inner me, shall we unite, sit awhile under those graceful trees and draw upon their strength and warmth. At last the lost little me Kimberly will be set free.
 
Please, please help set me free.
 
Let me escape and fly like the birds amongst my beautiful tall trees wanting peace and harmony.
 
Tormented soul do you hear me screaming my heart out to thee.
 
Could it be that I remain lost and unable to see the peace that awaits me.
 
 
 
 
  
 
TORMENTED – CHILDHOOD #3
 
 
Oh Mother dear couldn’t you hear me calling you, in wanting you near, crying silently with so much fear, as he terrorized me throughout my years.
 
I know you’re now at peace, resting in the after-life, never far from here.
 
What about me, with no inner peace, lost and alone fragile and weak.
 
He would stop me, not letting me speak. Taking my childhood, I now feel like a
 
Freak.
 
He twisted my life and molested me, now forever and ever, for eternity, look at me still fragile and weak.
 
I’ve had enough I’m starting to tell, speaking to others and seeking their help.
 
My time has come, I must tell, speaking out about my torment, my living hell.




 
PAINTED – DOLL #5
 
 
Lost little girl with a painted face, ponytail and dressed in such pretty lace.
He was taking me to my fate.
 
As I got there, I kind of stared, many strange men in underwear. From somewhere, within the room, I heard them call. Painted doll, little dog, you’re our whore tonight.
What did they care about calling me names, to them, this was just another game.
 
Faced with this uncertainty, living my life, a true nightmare! Could I pretend, even at age ten, that life was not really my friend, full of fear swinging from a chandelier.
 
Shattered dreams of what could have been, lost childhood of playing in a stream, making mud pies and just saying hi to other kids.
I was made to think it all taboo, like playing hopscotch and chasey too, skipping ropes, there’s no hope of ever seeing those days again.
 
Hey there, you there.
Back off some, leave me alone now you’ve read my poem, I am destined to be on my own, roaming this world all alone.
 
Sighs




DIGNITY #7
 
 
Trigger, trigger, maybe I should grab a gun and pull the fucking trigger, bang, bang.
 
What did I say?
 
No I must stay, to face another day.
 
How could it be, life turned inside out, for me.
 
Most times I feel like I’m being chocked, what’s that I hear, from this fucked up society.
 
Take this chill pill and you’ll be okay.
 
It’s not as easy as they say.
I say, fuck this world and fuck its so-called humane society. It stripped me of my rights and dignity.
 
But no, you will not win.
 
My life will be long and I will grow strong. I will struggle and fight to reclaim my rights. Then I shall have peace and dignity.






ANGER – HATE #8
 
 
I want to scream and shout, letting it all out telling of my anger and my fucking hate.
 
I want to open up hells gate and throw back the people that I hate, back into the darkness from which they all originate.
 
Hope your fucking happy rotting there in chains you filthy dirty bustards.
You will never enter my life again.
I say burn, burn for eternity and now you cease to be.
 
Never will you touch me, as I have been set free. It’s like sitting in a meadow watching the birds and the bees, truly that’s how I feel, seeing them flying amongst natures beautiful trees.
 
At last I have peace and tranquility.







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Ok, you can go on laughing at me all you want now that I’ve gone – I’ve never seen such a collection of so many miserable people – and you think I’m crazy.

- kim

P.s. I am really sorry if I have offended anyone here – Please forgive me.

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Yadda yadda yadda – Evanesce,


You say your confused, hey girl I’m not trying to make excuse’s for my post, rather I should say I shouldn’t of posted whilst under the influence of medication.

However being mean to me doesn’t give you the right to judge me. 

Have you ever heard of the words (companion or sensitive)? Well I am sure you have.

Do you understand what (Karma) is?

Do you know about Wicca or paganism?

If not I do,

They are believes that help me and HOLD me to this WORLD believes that I follow and without that kind of direction to my life – I really don’t think I would be here today – Hey I am really sorry if I have upset you in what went don’t in my post.

However:

I am going to shear With you something about my life

No I haven’t had it easy and you know what – (Yea I lost my baby) so stick that in ya peace pipe and smoke it.  







DEEP VALLEYS – MOUNTAIN STREAMS #111


Have you ever wondered, how nice it would be to slip away to a place where the skies above are not as we see them now?

Rather, there would be a rainbow of colour to take your breath away. A place where there's no sadness or pain, just inner pace.

There would be hills, mountain we thought we’d never climb, deep valleys, winding down to the mountain streams, a never-ending trail of beauty and oh that feeling of the lush green grass, the sweet perfume of flowers and the wonderful sounds of singing birds in the trees.

Just imagine if it could be!

But it is.
It's with me always, when I dream.




OUR BEGINNING – OUR SURVIVAL #129


The body changing and new life arranging itself deep inside my womb, emerging nine months later, reflections of my life, of troubled times.

How they fill my eyes with tears all my sorrows for those sad tomorrows. Take me back to the beginning of my time, in hope of rearranging my life.

My body is changing and it is hard to accept. I’m flying and yet I feel like crying. Feeling insecure, full of uncertainty, but who would care within this psychotic world.

Total confusion, strung out, hitting an all time low. “Life” what a blow.   Laughter, they’re laughing at me, climbing down from the tallest of trees with a tummy that will soon grow.

Foolishly, filled with the nectar of the so-called birds and bees, was this always meant to be, or the cycle of Karma. 

Please don’t let me harm her.

Rebellious teen at seventeen, yeah that’s me, Kimberly oh why couldn’t I have seen what this impact has done to me all my crying will not make wrong to right the long-long nights in suffering the consequences, of a promiscuous night.

My actions and thoughts, about my baby, am I to make you cease to be, on some dirty abortion clinic floor. Forgive me, my baby for those horrible thoughts. 

Breathe, little one breathe, I want you to live, be strong and survive.

I’m only expressing my grief and fear.  My thoughts have me thinking weird things right now.  I’m feeling lost and so exposed, as I have no clue of what to do, whom to tell whom to trust.

Hush now I will not cry, instead I will sing a lullaby. 
I am destined to loving you. 
I will not let my baby die.



Now PLEASE - leave me alone if I want to know something I will ask.

 

Thanks for putting up with me!

 

Last words – What could any of you teach me – that I don't all ready know?

 

Evanesce, sorry for being rude to you!

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