longwayhome
Posts: 1035
Joined: 1/9/2008 Status: offline
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To the OP. I think we can all go round in circles and make BDSM relationships seem very complicated. They are of course because we all have different needs. However, as a number of people have said, there is no right or wrong - only what is right for you and your mistress. Yes, you and your mistress. It is a still a partnership even if it looks a bit strange to people who don't get BDSM. In a relationship we have to accept the rough with the smooth, but only to an extent. Many of us have been in situations where we have bent over backwards to explain the way the feel, often by blaming ourselves or thinking that it would all be okay if we could just be good enough or do the right thing. Being part of each other's life should uplift you. Putting her needs first or allowing yourself to be guided by her should meet a deep need within you that makes you feel more whole not broken. Don't believe the hype. There are so many dynamics and so many ways that a BDSM relationship can work. I like to be scared witless sometimes but I also need to know that someone means me no actual harm when they will take me to new places. Someone wanting to "hurt" me turns me on hugely, but from a "hurting the one you love" point of view. Seen from the outside that can look pretty bad, but the bottom line is that the act of letting someone hold me in their hand is like removing the mental shackles from me. This is despite the fact that paradoxically I have willingly handed myself over to their will, which is a strange sort of freedom. There are paradoxes on top of paradoxes because I'm not passive but I don't control the ride and things might be cruel are carefully calculated and not random acts of abuse. I say all this because no matter how complicated it seems, someone who is the right partner for you will take time to understand how you tick, both so that it works for them and so it works for you, even if they are in charge. The bottom line has to be some kind of bond of care. Nobody goes into any relationship to be miserable. If you can stand back and see that the stuff that is good (even in a bad way) uplifts you and makes you feel better about life, then it is positive. (I say that without judging your or anyone else's kinks, e.g. humiliation works for some, and hits a good button at some level, for others it just feels abusive with no up side.) But if you are only getting flashes of the good stuff and having to grit your teeth (in a bad way) through the rest of it, then it can't be good for you, however much you want a BDSM relationship. It doesn't matter if you are new to all this. A mistress who is sensitive to your needs will be able to gauge her actions appropriately. If someone pushes on regardless in a way causes a downward spiral instead of an upward spiral, then they don't have your best interests at heart, whatever they say about it being about what they want because they are the Domme. Only you can say whether it feels right, and whether you are spiralling up through these difficulties. There is sometimes a very fine distinction between painful drilling that leads to a breakthrough, and painful drilling that causes a breakdown - a very fine distinction between "moulding" someone and breaking them. Given that so many of these things are different sides of the same coin and can look very similar to a bystander, it is only deep within your soul that you can answer these questions. You are not powerless in this situation, unless of course you choose to be by clinging to it at all costs. This could become one of the best things that has ever happened to you or it could become one of the worst. Somewhere along the line you have to trust your own feelings.
< Message edited by longwayhome -- 10/14/2016 3:46:41 AM >
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