ThatDizzyChick
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quote:
You got any deeper insights in your fuckedupness?
Not really, I mean I have just recently accepted the fact that I am a masochist and so really started to explore it when I got pregnant (It seems that a guy gets very unwilling to beat on you when your carrying his child), and we have just started exploring it again. As to my inner motivations, I don't really know, I try not to explore that sort of thing a lot for fear of what I will find. My mother was killed when I was little and I blamed myself for it, which led me to be really fucked up for many years, it was a really dark and hurt filled place in my life, and I am really scared of ever going back there, so I don't do a lot of deep self-examination for fear of where it might take me. I know that some of why I like some of the things I do is,because I still have a lingering feeling that I somehow deserve it, and I m afraid to go down that rabbit hole again for fear that I will start to really believe it again or once again be driven to seek oblivion and get back into the booze and dope. So instead I just try to accept that I like some really messed up shit and leave it at that.
I mean, I now understand that I have enjoyed pain since before my mother's death, but I am still afraid to delve into the why's of it. I know that doesn't really make a lot of sense, but that's sort of to be expected with irrational fears.
As well, a large part of my masochism is directly sexual, by which I mean it almost has to involve some sort of fucking, I generally want at least one hole filled or a vibrator or something like that involved. This goes probably back to my fucked up years, where I had a lot of really rough painful and degrading sex with a lot of people. That whole period of my life and the multitude of really bad decisions I made has, I suspect, heavily impacted my entire personality.
quote:
I'm kinda interested in hearing more about how your dynamic with the two Fella's works, and their dynamic with each other.
Well it's sort of strange, we have no protocols, we don't use titles, and I curse them when things get intense, and so on. A lot of it is what I call being a good girlfriend, things like sex on demand, or blowing a buddy. Because of my experiences as a teen, I just assumed that sort of thing was just what was expected and I was happy to do it, and I prided myself on doing it and being really good at it, because I like to be a really good girlfriend and give my boyfriend pretty much anything he wants sexually. It's also a sort of defense mechanism in a way, sort of thinking that they won't leave me if they get anything they want, which is, when you think about it, a really fucked up way to approach things, but it is what it is. Now don't get me wrong, I really, really get off on the sex, it's just that there is more to it than just the orgasms.
The same thing with other things like the more service oriented aspects, those too are, in my mind, just part of being a good girlfriend. And I also enjoy it for it's own sake. Like doing all the housework, well I just plain like doing housework, not in a sexual or erotic way, it just brings me a lot of satisfaction. Again this goes back to my mother, because after she was killed, with my Dad working, it sort of fell to me to pick up the slack around the house, and it became a source of pride for me to do it well, and it stuck, I still feel off if my place is a mess (and yes having a toddler is driving me nuts in that respect!).
Same sort of thing with handling all the finances. neither of my Fellas have ever been poor, they aren't rich, but they come from well to do families and have well paying jobs, and so they just never really learned to manage money very well, they never really had the need. I, on the other hand, had to learn. I have worked at a low paying job (waitress/bartender) and I have a very expensive hobby (taking university courses), so I learned to be very frugal and to squeeze every dime for all it was worth. So the Fellas, have tasked me with handling the money, making the investments and such, and again that makes me proud, that I am good enough at it that they have delegated the job to me. I mean they make the major purchase decisions, and then it is up to me to figure out how to come up with the money we need to make those purchases.
So, in a way, my being submissive is almost not submitting in as much as they are things I either enjoy for my own pleasure (pain) or things I always did anyway. There was a time when I needed the structure, or maybe it was just the illusion of the structure, I needed to have somebody "make" me do the painful or degrading stuff, but not so much anymore. However, there are some things we have started doing lately that I really do not like doing, they totally gross me out , but I do like being made to do them (I suspect that the old "I deserve it" thing is probably underlying that), so in that respect, I still need or at least want, a D/s structure of some sort. It also just turns me the fuck on to be ordered around and called slut, bitch, etc. And having to beg for the degrading shit. Again this probably goes back to my teen years.
In a way, I guess you could say they are sort of service tops with some dominance thrown in. When we first got together with the Other Fella, he asked the Fella why he did it, and his answer was "Because she needs it, and it's a hell of a lot of fun". And I'm just a slutty fucktoy/pain slut with some submissiveness thrown in.
As for their dynamic, well they are really just boyfriends, there is no D/s flavour to their relationship. As to who is in charge, well seeing as I live with the Fella and we have a child together, he is overall, I mean he is the one who will be making the major life decisions since he is the one directly responsible for me and Ruby's well-being. Other than that they have worked out a sort of division of responsibilities. The Fella tends to be in charge of the more overtly sexual stuff, when, how, and with who I will be a slut, and the Other Fella tends to be in charge of the more play oriented stuff, mostly because he enjoys that aspect more. But that's not a hard and fast rule, they often have long discussions (I call them planning sessions) where they work out where they want to take things, and to make sure they are both OK with things one of them wants to do or try. Apparently it took the Other Fella quite a while to persuade the Fella to incorporate scat play, it kinda squicked him out and he still doesn't really like to be involved in it much.
Yeah, so there it is, like I said, it's sort of strange and doesn't really fit into any particular box, but hey it works for us.
And after putting this down in writing I have come to two conclusions.
1. You're right, it is kind of hard to talk about this sort of shit, but also kinda cathartic.
2. I am still really fucked up, and I likely should see a shrink (See? That's why I don't like to think about it too much  ).
That and I kinda wish I hadn't answered because I am feeling kinda shitty about myself now. I think I need some Mommy time to make the world right again.
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