Is it confidence vs submission?

Is it confidence vs submission? (Full Version)

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Redbttmgrrl -> Is it confidence vs submission? (12/11/2016 7:49:16 PM)
I am a sub. I know that I am. I am, however, largely untried. I have been cautious about trying things with someone I don't know at all. Yet, when I am trying to get to know a Dom that says he wants to take me on... if I assert negotiating or taking things slow, they usually throw the "you are not a sub, if you are asking for too much time (after a few days usually)", " you want to please me right?" or "You cannot serve if you are leading" I need to know when my self respect and my desires seem disparate, what do I do? So far I have just dropped the Dom and looked for someone else but lately I am questioning my sub- ness.

DaddySatyr -> RE: Is it confidence vs submission? (12/11/2016 8:00:44 PM)
Questioning ourselves, especially about who we are happens from time to time. Welcome to the human race. We all do it. I think it is a good thing, actually since it causes us to "take stock" of ourselves, every so often. Maybe you *aren't* submissive. Only *YOU* can make that determination. While you're doing that, make sure you evaluate what you are and aren't willing to accept in a power exchange relationship. Now, based upon that evaluation, you may not be what some people would call "submissive". That's fine. You're you and that's all you ever have to be. You MUST be you because all the other people are "taken". There's a lid for every pot. Know yourself, your desires, needs, and limitations and then start looking for the person who is also looking for you. Michael

OsideGirl -> RE: Is it confidence vs submission? (12/11/2016 8:14:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Redbttmgrrl I am a sub. I know that I am. I am, however, largely untried. I have been cautious about trying things with someone I don't know at all. Yet, when I am trying to get to know a Dom that says he wants to take me on... if I assert negotiating or taking things slow, they usually throw the "you are not a sub, if you are asking for too much time (after a few days usually)", " you want to please me right?" or "You cannot serve if you are leading" I need to know when my self respect and my desires seem disparate, what do I do? So far I have just dropped the Dom and looked for someone else but lately I am questioning my sub- ness. I know exactly where you're coming from. I frequently got the emotional blackmail of "You're not a 'real' submissive". He's the reality - you know what you bring to the table and it's perfectly okay to not submit to just anyone to get what you're looking for. Don't settle for less than what you need and want. I was extremely picky - as a result, the majority of my relationships were longer than average and I managed to find the person who is the love of my live. Anybody who tells you that you're not really not submissive, isn't really Dominant.

ThatDizzyChick -> RE: Is it confidence vs submission? (12/11/2016 9:40:57 PM)
Don't try to be the sub somebody else wants you to be, be the sub you are.

MLordEd -> RE: Is it confidence vs submission? (12/13/2016 4:34:48 PM)
Being a 'submissive', (and for that matter, being a dominate) as a part of a relationship requires there to be an actual relationship. A BDSM relationship is like any other relationship, except with more trust and communication. Being a submissive means that you've discovered that it makes you happy when you please your man. Giving your self to someone who accepts and cherishes that gift is the real core of a BDSM pair, and because that can be so much deeper than vanilla, it's that much more attractive, (and why I know VERY few people who can jump from BDSM back to Van and then stay there). You must first identify what you want and need and then communicate it to your prospective partner, and vice (pun intended) versa. That process is the discover phase on if you are a good match. If some wanna-Dom comes up and introduces himself with 'kneel and obay' as their first words, then they are just trying their luck on you. It's patently obvious that they do not care for your needs/desires. Not good - unless you're a professional and they have cash. Your instincts were spot on. Back away. I know there are some men who look only for 'floormat' type women, but I always thought that was a sign of them lacking self-confidence and need to build themselves up by trodding on their sub. If you are smart and confident, sure of yourself and what you want and need, then you will be that much more of a catch for the Dom who values your gift.

OsideGirl -> RE: Is it confidence vs submission? (12/13/2016 5:35:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MLordEd Being a 'submissive', (and for that matter, being a dominate) as a part of a relationship requires there to be an actual relationship. A BDSM relationship is like any other relationship, except with more trust and communication. You can't be a "dominate". It's a verb. quote: Being a submissive means that you've discovered that it makes you happy when you please your man. Ummm...some Dominants are women. quote: Giving your self to someone who accepts and cherishes that gift is the real core of a BDSM pair, and because that can be so much deeper than vanilla, it's that much more attractive, (and why I know VERY few people who can jump from BDSM back to Van and then stay there). First, let's start with BDSM is Bondage/Discpiline, Sado-Masochism. In essence, it's kink. You keep confusing it with D/s which is the power dynamic. While both frequently get included in our relationships, it's entirely possible to have a relationship that is only BDSM and no D/s or entirely D/s and no BDSM. Next - please explain to me what is the "real core of a BDSM pair". We've already established that BDSM is Kink - so, really the core of a BDSM relationship would be kink. But, you don't need a relationship to engage in BDSM. You don't even need one to engage in D/s. I've known people that enter service agreements with Dominants with nothing other than agreement between them. Nothing romantic. At the end of the contract, they both go their seperate ways. I know all sorts of people that don't fit your generic statement. There are people that do this casually and are perfectly happy. There are people that only do this in the bedroom. There are people that do this 24/7/365.

WindAndSky -> RE: Is it confidence vs submission? (12/13/2016 7:52:36 PM)
It's not "confidence vs. submission." It's "having the confidence to know when to submit." If a dom says he "wants to take you on" shortly after meeting you, he's an idiot. A D/s relationship is a relationship, it's made up of two people. And you can't know whether you want to be in a relationship with someone until you actually know them. A few days is, IMO, not nearly enough time to know whether this is someone you really want to submit to. Or, for that matter, whether this is someone you really want to dominate. Take the time you need. When someone understands and accepts that, when someone respects the person you are, and doesn't just expect you to fall to your knees in some ridiculous roleplay parody of submission, you'll know they're worth a shot.

ResidentSadist -> RE: Is it confidence vs submission? (12/13/2016 10:16:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: ORIGINAL: MLordEd Being a 'submissive', (and for that matter, being a dominate) as a part of a relationship requires there to be an actual relationship. A BDSM relationship is like any other relationship, except with more trust and communication. You can't be a "dominate". It's a verb. quote: Being a submissive means that you've discovered that it makes you happy when you please your man. But ... but ... I are Dominate.

UllrsIshtar -> RE: Is it confidence vs submission? (12/13/2016 11:26:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MLordEd Being a submissive means that you've discovered that it makes you happy when you please your man. Euhm, no... being submissive means you confirm with, or obey, the will and authority of another. It doesn't mean that doing so will necessarily make you happy, or that you have any desire to please your man (Top) whatsoever. I know various slaves and submissives who have zero desire to please, but who have strong desires to obey. Besides that, it's perfectly possible for a Top to find happiness in pleasing their bottom. In fact, finding happiness in pleasing your partner [and making them happy] is pretty much THE definition of what it means to be in love with somebody, be it in a kink relationship or a vanilla one. quote: ORIGINAL: MLordEd Giving your self to someone who accepts and cherishes that gift is the real core of a BDSM pair, and because that can be so much deeper than vanilla, it's that much more attractive Kink relationships are not inherently deeper than vanilla relationships. Especially no if you consider the 'Velcro collar' phenomenon (a tendency for a disproportionately large kink relationship to be much much much shorter than average vanilla relationships). If you're claiming that kink relationships have the inherent capacity to somehow be deeper, or more meaningful than a vanilla relationship with a couple still happily married after 30, 40, or 50 years, you're selling yourself some deep bullshit. Go to an old folk home and find a couple still madly in love with each other after marrying at 18, and then come back and tell me what they have is somehow less meaningful because he doesn't spank her in bed. quote: ORIGINAL: MLordEd You must first identify what you want and need and then communicate it to your prospective partner, and vice (pun intended) versa. Again, are you saying that in a vanilla relationship you shouldn't communicate your wants and needs to your prospective partner? Kink doesn't magically make a relationship something other than a relationship, and good relationship practices for kink relationships aren't any different from those of vanilla relationships. quote: ORIGINAL: MLordEd I know there are some men who look only for 'floormat' type women, but I always thought that was a sign of them lacking self-confidence and need to build themselves up by trodding on their sub. I look for doormat qualities in a slave, because I find that they make for pleasing slaves (to my personal taste). And I'm one of the most confident people I know. In fact, I've been accused of being so confident that it's a shock to people who know me to see me upset, or distressed, over something. Me liking doormat slaves has got nothing to do with putting them down, in fact, building them up is one of my most fun projects. Seeing the change in my slave girl's body language as her confidence continues to rise is one of the pleasures I take in her, but on the other hand, the fact that she's a doormat is very much what attracted me to her.

Greta75 -> RE: Is it confidence vs submission? (12/14/2016 2:28:11 AM)
quote: If you're claiming that kink relationships have the inherent capacity to somehow be deeper, or more meaningful than a vanilla relationship with a couple still happily married after 30, 40, or 50 years, you're selling yourself some deep bullshit. Go to an old folk home and find a couple still madly in love with each other after marrying at 18, and then come back and tell me what they have is somehow less meaningful because he doesn't spank her in bed. Coming out from Asia where many arrange marriages last a long time, from teenage till death, and it's just duty and tradition they are observing. Yes, they learn to love each other, and basically are commited to being a good husband and good wife to each other. But honestly, emotionally, it's not as deep. I don't feel it. Asian has a very strong sense of duty. One of my Indian friend did not marry the woman he loves, but marry a woman of his mother's choice, out of respect for his mother, and I know he will be with this woman until her death or his death and be responsible, have the grandchildren that his mother wants and be kind to her for life. But is it deep? He sacrificed his life to filial piety. Many Asian kids do. My own mother says it is her duty to have marriage and kids. My father said, he did not divorce my mom because my grandmother, his mother threatened to disown him because NOBODY in her family is EVER getting a divorce. In Asian culture, do not underestimate the power of mothers to ensure long lasting marriages ha! Yea when I speak to old couples here in their 90's. It does not inspire me their marriage is very practical. Not very emotional. Especially the older generation only marries who their parents approve of, not who they want. So I would more impressed if a D/S marriage last forever, than if a vanilla marriage last forever. Too many vanilla marriages last forever without deep love but simply common goals of duty to have offsprings and continue the family line.

NookieNotes -> RE: Is it confidence vs submission? (12/14/2016 6:28:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Greta75 quote: If you're claiming that kink relationships have the inherent capacity to somehow be deeper, or more meaningful than a vanilla relationship with a couple still happily married after 30, 40, or 50 years, you're selling yourself some deep bullshit. Go to an old folk home and find a couple still madly in love with each other after marrying at 18, and then come back and tell me what they have is somehow less meaningful because he doesn't spank her in bed. Coming out from Asia where many arrange marriages last a long time, from teenage till death, and it's just duty and tradition they are observing. Yes, they learn to love each other, and basically are commited to being a good husband and good wife to each other. But honestly, emotionally, it's not as deep. I don't feel it. Asian has a very strong sense of duty. One of my Indian friend did not marry the woman he loves, but marry a woman of his mother's choice, out of respect for his mother, and I know he will be with this woman until her death or his death and be responsible, have the grandchildren that his mother wants and be kind to her for life. But is it deep? He sacrificed his life to filial piety. Many Asian kids do. My own mother says it is her duty to have marriage and kids. My father said, he did not divorce my mom because my grandmother, his mother threatened to disown him because NOBODY in her family is EVER getting a divorce. In Asian culture, do not underestimate the power of mothers to ensure long lasting marriages ha! Yea when I speak to old couples here in their 90's. It does not inspire me their marriage is very practical. Not very emotional. Especially the older generation only marries who their parents approve of, not who they want. So I would more impressed if a D/S marriage last forever, than if a vanilla marriage last forever. Too many vanilla marriages last forever without deep love but simply common goals of duty to have offsprings and continue the family line. You missed the point entirely. The quote was, "find a couple still madly in love with each other after marrying at 18". Madly in love. Not "staying together out of tradition."

OsideGirl -> RE: Is it confidence vs submission? (12/14/2016 10:14:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: ORIGINAL: MLordEd Being a 'submissive', (and for that matter, being a dominate) as a part of a relationship requires there to be an actual relationship. A BDSM relationship is like any other relationship, except with more trust and communication. You can't be a "dominate". It's a verb. quote: Being a submissive means that you've discovered that it makes you happy when you please your man. But ... but ... I are Dominate. [image]http://i211.photobucket.com/albums/bb283/sunshine92117/Certificate_i-am-teh-dominate%201_zpserxffbsq.png[/image]

DesFIP -> RE: Is it confidence vs submission? (12/14/2016 4:01:48 PM)
The response to these twits who are attempting to manipulate you is to tell them you are a real submissive but you sure as hell aren't their submissive. You may also want to consider that if they were so knowledgeable and competent, they wouldn't be so desperate to get laid. Which is why they're doing this. Continue what you're doing, listen to your gut. Waiting for the right partner, one you can respect, who will appreciate you. Don't settle for less than you need.

tamaka -> RE: Is it confidence vs submission? (12/14/2016 5:25:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NookieNotes quote: ORIGINAL: Greta75 quote: If you're claiming that kink relationships have the inherent capacity to somehow be deeper, or more meaningful than a vanilla relationship with a couple still happily married after 30, 40, or 50 years, you're selling yourself some deep bullshit. Go to an old folk home and find a couple still madly in love with each other after marrying at 18, and then come back and tell me what they have is somehow less meaningful because he doesn't spank her in bed. Coming out from Asia where many arrange marriages last a long time, from teenage till death, and it's just duty and tradition they are observing. Yes, they learn to love each other, and basically are commited to being a good husband and good wife to each other. But honestly, emotionally, it's not as deep. I don't feel it. Asian has a very strong sense of duty. One of my Indian friend did not marry the woman he loves, but marry a woman of his mother's choice, out of respect for his mother, and I know he will be with this woman until her death or his death and be responsible, have the grandchildren that his mother wants and be kind to her for life. But is it deep? He sacrificed his life to filial piety. Many Asian kids do. My own mother says it is her duty to have marriage and kids. My father said, he did not divorce my mom because my grandmother, his mother threatened to disown him because NOBODY in her family is EVER getting a divorce. In Asian culture, do not underestimate the power of mothers to ensure long lasting marriages ha! Yea when I speak to old couples here in their 90's. It does not inspire me their marriage is very practical. Not very emotional. Especially the older generation only marries who their parents approve of, not who they want. So I would more impressed if a D/S marriage last forever, than if a vanilla marriage last forever. Too many vanilla marriages last forever without deep love but simply common goals of duty to have offsprings and continue the family line. You missed the point entirely. The quote was, "find a couple still madly in love with each other after marrying at 18". Madly in love. Not "staying together out of tradition." My parents are.

Sirheat -> RE: Is it confidence vs submission? (12/17/2016 12:37:19 PM)
I am a sub. I know that I am. I am, however, largely untried. I have been cautious about trying things with someone I don't know at all. Yet, when I am trying to get to know a Dom that says he wants to take me on... if I assert negotiating or taking things slow, they usually throw the "you are not a sub, if you are asking for too much time (after a few days usually)", " you want to please me right?" or "You cannot serve if you are leading" I need to know when my self respect and my desires seem disparate, what do I do? So far I have just dropped the Dom and looked for someone else but lately I am questioning my sub- ness. You are doing the right thing for yourself and talking and setting out the rules first are best way to start. You are new and need time to find your way to your goal as a submissive. You are unsure at the level of submissive you are and your Dom should take this into consideration. You both need to set out a learning and training plan that suits you both and goes at the agreed pace. Patience is the key for you both and if your Dom is experienced he should know this. You need to be coerced by him. This will start to build the trust between you both. I wish you both well, Sir Heat

Taramafor -> RE: Is it confidence vs submission? (12/25/2016 3:22:02 AM)
I get to know people quickly. They don't have a probelm with my lifestyle sub ways. People that care accept it. Doesn't translate to "Oh boy, own me, own me, own me." Except if someone's "that awesome" right off the bat. Being playful yet serious at the same time about it helps. Trust can come quickly sometimes, but never carelessly with me. I TALK about it first. Before touching on "being owned". Even with potential doms. Now not appearing desperate and giving off that bad impression? That's the trick. It's all about being a peoples person. Choosing the wording. "IF we get that close" and "If things go well between us where might we be eventually". Along with "Oh cool, we're awesome, here's what I'm into, what are your interests" and such. I also want to know other stuff beyond that. The people stuff. Sometimes it even happens after a few days. People can and do have long talks even after a day or two of knowing each other and can make long term plans. I encourage caution there and state it has happened with me. Not a bad thing at all, just bad if unprepared for and "too sudden". Others have their own speed as well. Some can be "too quick" and hyper. Others can be "Slow as a turtle". Can you work with each other on that? You get the idea. It's a delicate art to master. Practice makes perfect though. Sometimes people are just jerks and don't want to talk and listen too, That's on THEIR heads, not yours. I express an interest in others and it's usually returned. If it's not I tell myself they're not interested in me and move on. I like to go "Fairly quickly" with the getting to know each other stuff but I also go "Very cautiously and wait for others to open up as well at their own speed setting". People have to accept my speed before if I'm to accept theirs. Btw, don't let anyone ever tell you you have to submit either. I say this because I seen jerks demand submission from strangers. Like... not even a "Hi, how are you". Just straight up demanding it right off the bat. If anyone ever does that then think of them like trolls. Don't feed 'em. I can't believe there are people out there that put themselves at risk with strangers they don't even know. I mean, I suppose it's something one can get into but I'd hope anyone that gets into that is very aware of the possible risks and dangers. I don't think most are. Sad really.

tamaka -> RE: Is it confidence vs submission? (12/30/2016 9:18:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: ORIGINAL: MLordEd Being a 'submissive', (and for that matter, being a dominate) as a part of a relationship requires there to be an actual relationship. A BDSM relationship is like any other relationship, except with more trust and communication. You can't be a "dominate". It's a verb. quote: Being a submissive means that you've discovered that it makes you happy when you please your man. But ... but ... I are Dominate. [image]http://i211.photobucket.com/albums/bb283/sunshine92117/Certificate_i-am-teh-dominate%201_zpserxffbsq.png[/image] Ummm... John Norman believes that sadism is a sickness, so he wouldn't be awarding one.

OsideGirl -> RE: Is it confidence vs submission? (12/31/2016 12:23:03 PM)
[image]https://i.stack.imgur.com/jiFfM.jpg[/image]

tamaka -> RE: Is it confidence vs submission? (12/31/2016 2:26:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl [image]https://i.stack.imgur.com/jiFfM.jpg[/image] I love that show! : )

LTE -> RE: Is it confidence vs submission? (1/20/2017 7:14:22 AM)
quote: ... if I assert negotiating or taking things slow, they usually throw the "you are not a sub, Dom's don't ever say this in this situation. Insecure betas do. You instinctively know this and dropped him. Like the rock he crawled out from under.

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