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New to bdsm dom/sub life - 12/26/2016 10:50:03 PM   
ChazL22490


Posts: 3
Joined: 12/26/2016
Status: offline
So i have been very dom for many years atleast 10. Im 26 right now and i have accepted the fact that all the relationships i get in fail because i am not open to the fact that i am a dom and can not change that. So i am new to this site and the bdsm community in general i am looking for help to find a serious relationship. With a sub little preferably or a sub. I would also like help on learning how to approach subs, since i have no real clue on how to do this. All i know is i am a very dom male i served 6 years in the army and i know what i want and need a girl to do. Any advice tips or friendly help would be greatly appreciated.
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RE: New to bdsm dom/sub life - 12/27/2016 12:12:20 AM   
ThatDizzyChick


Posts: 5490
Status: offline
quote:

I would also like help on learning how to approach subs

Like a person.

_____________________________

Not your average bimbo.

(in reply to ChazL22490)
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RE: New to bdsm dom/sub life - 12/27/2016 4:25:58 AM   
MsLadySue


Posts: 2254
Joined: 12/18/2004
Status: offline
You approach anyone like a person first. Get to know them on a personal level to find out if you're compatible as people. Then you get into the lifestyle conversation.
Best way to meet those you seek is by getting out from behind the computer and meeting people at munches and events.

_____________________________

In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion.
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don't have to be nice anymore.

(in reply to ChazL22490)
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RE: New to bdsm dom/sub life - 12/27/2016 4:39:05 AM   
Taramafor


Posts: 39
Joined: 12/22/2016
From: UK, Manchester
Status: offline
quote:

i have accepted the fact that all the relationships i get in fail because i am not open to the fact that i am a dom and can not change that.


Not with that attitude. Look pal, I used to be a big introvert. I know it can seem like "scary shit" to bring up with others but if you don't open up to people that are there for you (eg: people you're in a relationship with) then how can they possibly accept you for who and what you are? You CAN change that if you put in the effort. Right now you're only being a defeatist. It's easier said then done to "be more public about things" and I know that full well but you're making excuses here. Now on the other hand if you make the choice not to change that then that's another matter. Perhaps you want someone to know you as a person first. Me, personally, I'm more open book and find it can lead to interesting conversations about me as a person. As well as more interesting ones which can lighten the mood. But that's just me. I do that because I then like to go "Let's find out about you". Not just dom and sub wise but about them as a person. What they're like and into and such. Had such a conversation recently in fact. Online btw. I get to know people. Personally. Online. Apparently she's a dom and finds me interesting. Which I found out after having a conversation with them about other things in general first. It's opened up a few possibilities. Even made plans (with them) to open up some more later. Haven't done so yet because I don't want to overwhelm them. Perhaps that too is a reason Chaz struggles with bringing up that fact that he's dom with others. Because he might be concerned with overwhelming others. I find it's easier to bring that up then, say, "Past experiences about why things affected us in bad ways" though. Could as easily be the fear of judgement. But people that care don't judge and just accept it. Simple as. I have found that mentioning I'm sub leads to better conversations and sure, there are times people go "That's not interesting to me" but I still put it out there knowing that might happen, because if I don't it won't even have a chance of being accepted at all. Got to risk rejection on that account. I find that people express an interest more often then not too.

And like MsLadySue said, you get to know people first. Open up. Share shit about each other. Etc. If you can't open up with someone then I ask how you can even be in a romantic relationship with them. Maybe you have things that you consider more important then dom. Maybe dom isn't "that much a part of you". That's fine. but if it's a large part of who and what you are I'd say it's worth bringing up. Or would you rather be silent and afraid of people thinking less of you for knowing it? Hint: People that avoid you for it probably aren't worth being in a relationship with to begin with.

Also, "public group things" aren't for everyone. And I have personally seen and even have relatives that have started online and ended up in life. It's a nice, safe "starting environment". It is not the "best" way at all. Neither is real life. It's just different. And I have much more experience about that. It's what works for you. Each area has its pros and cons. Life has easy access, online tends to have long distance but needs more effort as a result which can make it all worth it because of that. Etc. Regardless it's always about getting to know people first regardless of environment. Which can happen very easily online and off if you actually try to open up to others. Especially on, say, Second Life for example (I avoid the SL/character only types and those that pretend real life is separate. Someone has to type). But in life or online both if you look too hard for something it tends to pass you by when it could "just happen after getting to know people first". I only meet people I take that much of an interest in when I stop looking too hard. Personally munches and such aren't for me. I'm not myself in groups. I would need to at least first know someone that is there that I might be interested in to begin with. Which I can do by just talking to them online first and having a conversation and getting to know each other. That is MY "best way". It's called my comfort zone. And if you can't do that when a keyboard is right in front of you then you obviously don't want to get to know me in my own comfort zone. So why would I see someone in theirs if they don't do that when they don't even have to put in much effort? That's not "compatibility", that's not caring enough to share environments and at least try to be in each others world. Hell, I got to know a very single worded switch and they intend to visit me despite distance and me being more wordy. I'm sick and tired of the "Real world is best way" excuse. Actually I'm just sick of the "This is the best way and you need to be alike" excuse. Especially when things are going well for me and others when things are different to each other. Any time people use that retarded argument it's limiting their options in other areas and acting like you know better. BOTH options are equally worth considering. Just like how BOTH perceptions with two people are equally worth taking into consideration. Neither is ever superior.

So wherever you are, in whatever environment you're in, put yourself out there, make yourself known and get to know others and see where things go. THAT gets results at least 8/10 times with me. In my case I'm not even looking to "be in a relationship". I get to know people before I even think about that shit. Loving someone doesn't have to mean "I want to hump you" either. The moment I treat people like "relationship tools" is when things go downhill. Unless I say something like "IF we get that close in the future because we're getting to know each other." or something. You get the idea.

< Message edited by Taramafor -- 12/27/2016 5:38:57 AM >

(in reply to MsLadySue)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: New to bdsm dom/sub life - 12/27/2016 11:27:58 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14408
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsLadySue

You approach anyone like a person first. Get to know them on a personal level to find out if you're compatible as people. Then you get into the lifestyle conversation.
Best way to meet those you seek is by getting out from behind the computer and meeting people at munches and events.



I'll also add:

Be honest about your experience level

Learn the difference between Dominant and domineering.

There's a great book list, learning is fantastic

Know what it is you want

Be honest about what you want - if you don't match up, don't pursue her anyway.

Don't settle for someone that doesn't meet what you want.

No means no

And no response is a response.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to MsLadySue)
Profile   Post #: 5
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