themysticsiren
Posts: 7
Joined: 2/4/2017 Status: offline
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Hi, I'm new. My partner and I have started experimenting with bdsm. He isn't very good with sexual communication or communication in general, so I'm the one who opened up the conversation. Up until now we've been reading each other's body language and taking stabs in the dark, but I noticed a few things and it turns out he's dominant and I'm submissive. We've had a lot of fun with choking and breatheplay. He's given me some hard slaps with his hand, his belt, a paddle... I liked them all. I also like being restrained. I like when he grabs and holds me tight and doesn't let me move, he covers my mouth and doesn't let me scream. We've talked about possibly going to a sex club and trying out a few other things. Last time I was with him I suggested rapeplay. I tried out saying "stop" and fighting him off as part of a scene. We touched on the topic of pets and slaves, and we were both intrigued. He likes leaving his mark on me and our dirty talk has evolved to involve aspects of humiliation and possession. Which I'd like to add, I think that's hot, and I'm super into it. We have a safe word. I have enjoyed and consented to everything we've done. I make sure we communicate before and after each scene. He is always mindful of my body language and he's cautious of boundaries. BUT something weird started happening. I have these disturbing desires that I can't suppress or explain. I want him to drug me. I want him to fuck me without asking permission. I want him to choke me unconscious. I want him to brand me. I want him to use me selfishly. I want to be his possession. I can't get these thoughts out of my mind and the whole dynamic somehow feels unhealthy There's something about him that changes my brain chemistry. He knows how powerful his effect on me is. At a distance I know he isn't good for me, but just being in his presence I fall in love. I think about him all the time. And I'm concerned. Part of his job is to be manipulative (sales) but it feels like he's more experienced than he lets on. It feels like he's a master at collecting hearts, maybe even slaves. Is Stockholm syndrome too extreme to describe it? I feel brainwashed, compliant, drugged even. Could I have been? Theres that one time he made me tea and I slept for 12 hours. Now I'm just being silly. But these thoughts I'm having don't feel like my own. It feels like he put them there without even saying the words if that's possible. To give some context, I'm 19 and he's 30. We work for the same company and he has a higher position than me in a different office. The start of our relationship involved a messy polyamorous situation where his girlfriend at the time (who is also 19 and works for the same company) was harassing me, being possessive over him and trying to manipulate her way into a monogamous relationship with him. As far as I understand, they broke up because she had a low libido and wouldn't let him fulfill his needs with someone else. But in the meantime while he sorted out things with her, he stopped talking to me for a couple months. We reconnected over coffee and now we are officially dating and she's out of the picture. But he can be emotionally distant, he plays games (intentionally tries to create jealousy, texts me less to make me want him more), he's argumentative and always has to win, when I express my feelings he implies that I'm paranoid, he's sometimes more than an hour late for a date, he separates me from his friends and social life. AND YET he said he loves me, he tells me I'm the only one to cut through his BS and get him to open up, he says he has the best times with me that he would spend all and any time with me and that I'm the one person that makes him so happy. All this being said, yes. I'm aware I should probably break up with him, but that's just it. I can't. I feel chained already. To me he's intoxicating, entrancing. I'm scared by my thoughts. I have no one to turn to for advice, no one in my friend circle is part of the bdsm community. I guess what I need help with is the question. Am I being emotionally manipulated? Is he taking advantage of his power? Is this an unhealthy dynamic? Why am I having these disturbing desires? What do I do?
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