LadyPact
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ORIGINAL: longwayhome
I'm with you entirely, partly because I am sure that my kinks primarily revolve around fear.
To take an exception that proves the rule - scat is something I don't think I could do. I'm sure that my gag reflex would kick in at any major piece of solid. It's just a yuk factor. I don't want to do it mainly because I can't but it is something I feel neutral about so pushing me in that direction wouldn't be edgey, it would just be impractical.
This was a really good post!
I'm actually the same way about Roman showers. It's honestly not a kink I could ever get into. I agree with your terminology here. Completely impractical in my case.
True story. A certain former sub of mine called me after work one day to tell me about this opportunity he had... Ummm... Missed. He's had this chance to get his hands on a dentist's chair. (In case anybody's ever missed it, I *hate* dental work and I'd call RED in a heartbeat over it for play.) My reaction was, sorry you missed it, but even if you had it, you'll be doing that with someone else.
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The discomfort I feel about knives, electricity, breath play, pain etc. are all exactly to do with the fear mind-fuck - the thought that it might go too far, tempered by loving the excitement that someone feels when they are the person doing the inflicting. The desire to do what another person wants is so strong that you can be led by the hand to dangerous places and that does so many bad and good things as it fries your brain.
I lean more towards these are somewhat realistic fears. It has always been my position that bottoms should be aware of their risks and that includes being educated about those instances where things go wrong. Choking is an excellent example of this. Grabbing someone by the throat gives most people that instinctive reaction that their life is in peril. Even people who love it and have experienced it have this instinct of self-preservation.
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Now that I come to think about it, even the more direct sexual stuff has an awful lot to do with fear as well. There's stuff I like and some of it is quite bottomy in the sense of doing something for someone because it gets them off. If the other person doesn't particularly want to do something or it doesn't really get them off it leaves me pretty cold (not a Dom bone in my body really). But because I don't have much of a yuk factor except for scat, the things that really make me feel alive are those that make me feel positively apprehensive or downright frightened.
Well, we're even because I don't have a submissive bone in mine. Some of the stuff I do to other people, I would never tolerate being done to me. I used to have this running gag that I was going to write a book called "A Thousand and One Reasons Why I'm Not A Submissive" and fill it with all of the things I would never do if I were a bottom.
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I don't think you can ever be exactly sure where the fine line between edginess and actual harm is. Even for two responsible adults it is surely all about testing, watching, waiting, discussing and going around again. A cut might stop bleeding in minutes and heal in a day or two. Being scared witless might last a few minutes and you might get over it in a short time.
I lean with this thinking, too. You can do your best to take every precaution that you can. Still, it can never be a guarantee. If a person wants to play in this end of the pool, the potential exists that this kind of thing can go bad.
Maybe, that's why it's exhilarating.
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Messing with someone emotionally is a whole different box of frogs just because things that seem minor at the time can sow insecurities fatal to any relationship or play situation. Something that makes you cry might be okay with appropriate care afterwards but is it okay if some of the pain lasts all day, all weekend, the whole year or decades?
Points for using a term like 'box of frogs'.
At the same time, let's be realistic about it. How many people do you know, of your personal acquaintance, that needed DECADES of therapy, because of a single (supposedly consensual) scene they have participated in of their own accord? If there's even a though in a person's mind that it will go that way... Just don't do it.
Is it ok if the pain lasts all day? Probably. If I tarred your behind with a single tail, and every time you sat down the following day you felt it, most people into physical S/m would be cool with that. If you were the type to be into heavy degradation, and a part of that for you was that it takes the whole weekend to bring yourself back from it, but you felt (bad word choice here) stronger for it, is that ok? Your resilience, your fortitude, your perseverance?
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Life changing is fine if a person can accommodate it into their new reality without it permanently affecting their ability to function, just like a cut is fine but removing someone's hand is problematic. With really major mind-fucks though both of you have to be willing to pick up the pieces, including the sub taking responsibility for their own well-being instead of just expecting the Dom/me to have a magical solution.
Even not as a bottom, that thing about 'we played on Friday and we're too wrecked to go to work on Monday,' is probably past my line. I consider that kind of thing irresponsible. I prefer dealing with people who are grown @ssed adults.
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It's genuinely dangerous stuff and, as a sub, I wouldn't play in that way with anyone who didn't truly understand that.
Well, yeah. I would hope so. You shouldn't just put yourself into the hands of somebody who doesn't get it.
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The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT
Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD
Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.
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