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How often do you play? - 5/26/2017 5:52:22 PM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline 		First things first, for the purpose of this thread, I'm going to lay down how 'play' is defined in this thread, so that we're (hopefully) all on the same page as far as language is concerned.
This does not mean that this is the only definition of what it means to 'play', or that other definitions aren't valid, or that I'm telling you that the way you define 'play' is wrong.
I'm just trying to use a word to communicate a set of meanings, where that set of meanings doesn't have a universally accepted definition.

If your definition of what play means is different, great, I've got no problem with that, but for the purpose of this thread I'd like you to just roll with mine, so that it doesn't turn into a semantics debate. Got it? Great.

So the definition of 'play' as we'll be using it:

"Any action you perform that falls under the BDSM umbrella which, if a vanilla person was observing you, would strike them as usual, weird, kinky, or sexy."

To give a couple examples for the sake of clarity:

- If you bring your Top a beverage, and you kneel down and utter a ritualized phrase ("Here is your drink Master"), so that a vanilla person would notice 'something weird' in seeing you doing it, that would count as 'play'.
- If you bring your Top a beverage, and you just put it down next to him, in an unobtrusive way, in such a manner that a vanilla person wouldn't bat an eyelash, that would not count as 'play'. No matter how much you're doing it out of a sense of submission, or whether you're doing it at their command or not.

- If you wear a butt plug under your clothes, because your Top ordered you to do so, that would count as 'play' because a vanilla person -if they happen to see it due to whatever circumstance- would find that kinky/weird.
- If you wear red panties because your Top ordered you to do so, that wouldn't count as 'play' because a vanilla person -if they happened to see it due to whatever circumstance- wouldn't notice anything unusual about you wearing red panties.

- If your Top grabbed you by the hair, and forcefully pulled you to them to pull your head back and kiss you, that would count as 'play', because a vanilla person would notice the power exchange and find it unusual.
- If your Top came up to you and kissed you, that would not count as 'play', because a vanilla person wouldn't find anything unusual in that, even if you privately knew were not allowed to refuse to kiss them in that moment.

- Obviously any type of overt scene, involving rope, spankings, whips, and all the other trappings would count as 'play' as well. But I'm thinking of a definition of 'play' which is more broader than a complete scene.

Clear? Cool.

So with that in mind:

How often, on average, do you engage in any 'play' style activities in any given week.

As far as those who are curious as to why I'm asking goes: in the 15 years that I've been engaging in BDSM in full time relationships, I've never had a time in my life where I've had as much play as I wanted/desired.
I'm trying to gauge if my expectations are just unrealistic, and if I'm just an insatiable slut (too much is never enough), or if I just have the misfortune to always fall for partners who have a lower desire for kink play than I do.


_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for
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RE: How often do you play? - 5/26/2017 6:53:16 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		Daily by your definition. From a dead sleep, when woken, my slave says "yes Sir." We use BDSM protocols 24/7/365... and in our sleep. Things like formal address and granting permission to be excused for the bathroom. I guess that would be a BDSM that a vanilla would think was weird, kinky, or sexy.

_____________________________

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I give good thread.

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RE: How often do you play? - 5/26/2017 7:35:29 PM   
NoirMetal


Posts: 508
Joined: 3/20/2017
Status: offline 		If she is my slave, then her head space needs to be about the connection.

I could give a rats decayed behind what vanillas would think. When she pees or takes a shit-she knows those holes are mine.

I don't go nuts if I don't play all the time. Medical issues have been messing me up for a while,but I am recovering. So we will see.

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RE: How often do you play? - 5/26/2017 7:59:41 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		FR
Well when I was in a full time live in d/s relationship. Every day without fail as there was protocol and daily rituals to adhere to. Every day that I come home from work, strip, go kneel infront of him for body inspection and get collared and await for further instructions.

But now, it's whenever a fuck buddy who is a BDSM top is free to play with me. But that's not a full time relationship.

In a full time relationship, it was every day.

But I have a feeling Ishtar that you fell inlove with a man who was not much into rituals and daily protocol. Like he doesn't set rules for you to follow everyday. It's kinda more vanilla with kink. But then again, you also got kids, so maybe that complicates stuffs further.

Me and my x-dom were planning kids. But I suspect if we did. We may not have time to do what we usually do anymore. It would not be practical. And BDSM might be left to barely being there.

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RE: How often do you play? - 5/26/2017 8:01:15 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar
As far as those who are curious as to why I'm asking goes: in the 15 years that I've been engaging in BDSM in full time relationships, I've never had a time in my life where I've had as much play as I wanted/desired.

You mean EVEN When you were in a Gorean relationship with so much rules and protocol? It wasn't on a daily basis?

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RE: How often do you play? - 5/26/2017 10:08:05 PM   
longwayhome


Posts: 1035
Joined: 1/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar

Edited

As far as those who are curious as to why I'm asking goes: in the 15 years that I've been engaging in BDSM in full time relationships, I've never had a time in my life where I've had as much play as I wanted/desired.
I'm trying to gauge if my expectations are just unrealistic, and if I'm just an insatiable slut (too much is never enough), or if I just have the misfortune to always fall for partners who have a lower desire for kink play than I do.



I have only rarely played as much as I wanted to even if it was every day, not that my body could necessarily always take it.

Insatiability is only a problem if you perceive that way. Always having desire means always having something to give which is a good thing (or that's the way I try to see it).

My desire only really evapourates when I am seriously worried about a loved one or family member who is ill or really distressed. When I have been stressed or upset myself however there are forms of play I have found really helpful but someone has to know you pretty well to know when being forced to concentrate on some serious stretching or being restrained and abused will actually be of benefit.

I don't expect my need for "play", if you want to call it, that to be fully satisfied and live with the reality of my desire.

Probably not helpful but it's a contribution.

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RE: How often do you play? - 5/26/2017 11:25:17 PM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75


quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar
As far as those who are curious as to why I'm asking goes: in the 15 years that I've been engaging in BDSM in full time relationships, I've never had a time in my life where I've had as much play as I wanted/desired.

You mean EVEN When you were in a Gorean relationship with so much rules and protocol? It wasn't on a daily basis?


I didn't say that it wasn't on a daily basis. Just that it never was as much as I wanted or desired.

Like I said: I'm struggling with the question of whether what I want and desire is actually realistic or not.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

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RE: How often do you play? - 5/26/2017 11:37:51 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar
I didn't say that it wasn't on a daily basis. Just that it never was as much as I wanted or desired.

Like I said: I'm struggling with the question of whether what I want and desire is actually realistic or not.

I kinda imagine in a Gorean relationship, it's 24/7/365 non stop. You're always in Gorean Master and Kajira mode at all times with no breaks. And a Gorean Master will be non stop all day ordering you around. Not sure what tops that!

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RE: How often do you play? - 5/26/2017 11:43:07 PM   
tamaka


Posts: 5079
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar
I didn't say that it wasn't on a daily basis. Just that it never was as much as I wanted or desired.

Like I said: I'm struggling with the question of whether what I want and desire is actually realistic or not.

I kinda imagine in a Gorean relationship, it's 24/7/365 non stop. You're always in Gorean Master and Kajira mode at all times with no breaks. And a Gorean Master will be non stop all day ordering you around. Not sure what tops that!



The books.

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RE: How often do you play? - 5/26/2017 11:43:40 PM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75


quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar
I didn't say that it wasn't on a daily basis. Just that it never was as much as I wanted or desired.

Like I said: I'm struggling with the question of whether what I want and desire is actually realistic or not.

I kinda imagine in a Gorean relationship, it's 24/7/365 non stop. You're always in Gorean Master and Kajira mode at all times with no breaks. And a Gorean Master will be non stop all day ordering you around.


You're forgetting that Bull is a long haul truck driver, who was only home 1.5 days a week while I was with him Greta.
And that during that 36 hours he was home every week, he'd also had a wife who needed time with him alone.
And that when we wasn't alone with the wife, he'd have his two (adult) sons come round with their wive/girlfriend and the grandbabies, whom he also hadn't seen all week.
And that he had just come back from being on the road all week, and was tired and exhausted.

Bull 24/7 would have been great. Problem was that if I got a couple hours to spend with him each week it'd be a lot, and 99% of the time I did have with him, there were vanilla people around... usually vanilla people who were definitively less than 18 years old.

So it was 6 days of cooking, cleaning, working, studying, serving, being kept on the tightest of leashes (as in, no leisure time at all... wake up, work, go to bed) to maybe spend a few minutes trying to hover around him while serving drinks on the weekend.

It was slavery alright (and no complaints there, as that's what I signed up for)... but fulfilling if the primary object of your adoration rarely has any time for you, even to merely let you serve in more 'personal' ways? Nope, not so much.

It might have been different if it was now, as I hear he's home much more often now, but that's a coulda, woulda, shoulda, we'll never know the answer to.



< Message edited by UllrsIshtar -- 5/26/2017 11:48:54 PM >

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

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RE: How often do you play? - 5/27/2017 12:05:40 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar
You're forgetting that Bull is a long haul truck driver, who was only home 1.5 days a week while I was with him Greta.

So technically it is possible. You just need a Gorean Master, who's kids are all grown up, has no wife, and has a 9 to 5 job that can come home everyday, and has availability to play with you everyday!

Responsibilities like raising a family will always get into the way of frequency of play.

But I think it is realistic, just gotta find single males who either already have full grown families. Or someone who can take you where-ever he goes when he travels for work. I know someone in a D/S relationship like that. Her dom travels alot, but he takes her everywhere, so she is in his bed every night no matter where he is. His children are full grown. He is divorced. No responsibilities except to have fun with her, keep her by his side and do his job.

This couple I know is a dutch couple based in Netherlands. Really one of the luckiest D/S relationships I have ever known. They both met at the right time as both are divorced, both have full grown kids. So they got all that raising kids done, their children are all stable and leading their own lives and both are grandparents and xmarriages done before meeting each other. Right time, right place, and everything fits. She is free to follow him where-ever he goes too. As both kinda met when both are also financially secure enough to retire. The guy just works to have something to pass time. And they play every day, she goes everywhere with all that butt plug and whatever gears you could put in there. And they attend private bdsm parties together quite frequently.


< Message edited by Greta75 -- 5/27/2017 12:14:05 AM >

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RE: How often do you play? - 5/27/2017 12:16:30 AM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar
You're forgetting that Bull is a long haul truck driver, who was only home 1.5 days a week while I was with him Greta.

So technically it is possible. You just need a Gorean Master, who's kids are all grown up, has no wife, and has a 9 to 5 job that can come home everyday, and has availability to play with you everyday!

Responsibilities like raising a family will always get into the way of frequency of play.

But I think it is realistic, just gotta find single males who either already have full grown families. Or someone who can take you where-ever he goes when he travels for work. I know someone in a D/S relationship like that. Her dom travels alot, but he takes her everywhere, so she is in her bed every night no matter where he is. His children are full grown. He is divorced. No responsibilities except to have fun with her, keep her by his side and do his job.



Nah, Goreans are all good on the 'play' in the sense of the 'vanilla would raise an eyebrow because drinks are served from the knees', but you're forgetting that I'm in some pretty nasty and hardcore stuff as well, when it comes to scenes. Most Goreans don't really scene, in the sense of pulling out all the toys, and going to town until you're bruised, scratched and incoherent.
I'm a TOTAL gear slut.

Besides that Greta, I'm happily married. And in a long term poly triad with another chick. And I have blanket consent from the both of them to play with as many other people as I want.

So I really don't think 'another guy' is the answer. I'm leaning more towards the 'have more realistic expectations of life' option.

Though fuck... I wouldn't mind if you could drum me up some guy who's into the exact same kinda kink as I am (so he'll do what I want, but not because he's catering to me, but because he's being selfish) to do a 2 week stint of full-time kink (think the gimp in Pulp Fiction)... now that'd be a cool vacation.



_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

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RE: How often do you play? - 5/27/2017 12:19:48 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		I see alot of guys in CS that would share your kink, but I think the major problem is, many of them want their own exclusive sub. So well, finding the ideal situation is difficult. It takes so much luck and the right person and the right fit.

Infact, full kudos to you to have already navigated through many difficult situations and trying to live out authentically whatever you love and enjoy.

Many women couldn't have done it.

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RE: How often do you play? - 5/27/2017 12:22:29 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
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quote:

so he'll do what I want, but not because he's catering to me, but because he's being selfish

I think this is precisely it, you articulate this portion perfectly. I felt this was the key dynamic of my past D/S relationship. He was just doing whatever he wants and not what I want. But everything that he enjoys doing was what I want, just because it's a match.

But then other parts couldn't work, like realities of life. Like real life always gets in the way. Like relocation. I can't get along with my future in laws, etc etc.

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RE: How often do you play? - 5/27/2017 12:30:30 AM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:

so he'll do what I want, but not because he's catering to me, but because he's being selfish

I think this is precisely it, you articulate this portion perfectly. I felt this was the key dynamic of my past D/S relationship. He was just doing whatever he wants and not what I want. But everything that he enjoys doing was what I want, just because it's a match.

But then other parts couldn't work, like realities of life. Like real life always gets in the way. Like relocation. I can't get along with my future in laws, etc etc.


I've got all of the other part working perfectly atm (in fact, I can't even imagine a better match on the 'other parts' than my husband).
And the kink works well when it happens... we're not a perfect match, but there's enough overlap that finding common ground isn't an issue at all.

It's just that there's not enough of it. Even with me playing casually with other people. But then again, there's never been enough of it, hence I'm starting to wonder if the issue just isn't that I'm just never satisfied.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

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RE: How often do you play? - 5/27/2017 12:51:40 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar
How often, on average, do you engage in any 'play' style activities in any given week.

Honestly, I couldn't tell you. Not only have I not kept count, I'd still be on a loss on *what* to count.

While I understand that you didn't want to this to be a definition of semantics, I'd still want to know how certain things fall. To me, you split this up into two different categories:

One is the dynamic, itself. While ritual and protocol are the easy answers, to me, there's also this part about authority. Would it raise eyebrows if people noticed that I 'tell' rather than 'ask'? Some people would just think I'm rude. Others would see it as D/s.

I'm also a bit curious about what people would think of as public displays, rather than just private ones? Would it be the stuff a vanilla person would see if it was under my roof or would it have to be something witnessed in a non-kink setting, such as a person's place of employment?

The BDSM part.

I'm not quite sure of how you want to count this, either. Are we talking about individual endeavors, specific people, or blocks of time? The last time I was a tasting top, I had over two dozen individuals that wanted to 'taste' impact play.*** They weren't full on 'scenes,' but at any given interval, I was engaged in S/m. What about the scenes I arranged after the 'tasting' was over, and I was just playing?

What about educational stuff, like I'm teaching new top to do X? I might not *really* be playing, because I'm teaching, but if a vanilla saw it...


quote:

I'm trying to gauge if my expectations are just unrealistic, and if I'm just an insatiable slut (too much is never enough), or if I just have the misfortune to always fall for partners who have a lower desire for kink play than I do.

I don't think your expectations are unrealistic. I find it to be an area of compatibility, which is way more complicated than I can explain.

In the same breath, I do not consider myself to be consistent. If life gets in the way, it just does. In any given week, the whole thing will vary.


_____________________________

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RE: How often do you play? - 5/27/2017 1:36:37 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar
I've got all of the other part working perfectly atm (in fact, I can't even imagine a better match on the 'other parts' than my husband).
And the kink works well when it happens... we're not a perfect match, but there's enough overlap that finding common ground isn't an issue at all.

The current person in my life right now who all the "other parts" work perfectly is my BFF. And the only reason why he is my BFF is because, the sex part, the bdsm part is not working at all. But anyway he is into zero BDSM and refuse to get into it at all. Otherwise, I pretty much have a "perfect life partner", but since we are barely having sex, then his as good as like a brother to me who cares alot about me. His always there for me emotionally but just not sexually. I don't know how many times I got rebuff for sex by him in bed, yet we always sleep together naked. And it frustrates me to no end we could be on a whole week vacation, romantic suite together, beautiful beach. Sex environment. And all he wanna do is go chill out and drink and sleep. No sex. WTF! What to do! And he always tell me to go find other people for my sexual needs. I can always hang out with him or talk to him about anything, he will always be there for me, but he said the sexual things he can't fulfill, find it elsewhere. A bit like your husband I think. Except if your husband is up for some playing, while that happens, you are enjoying him alot. But he probably just doesn't do it at the frequency you like.

Navigating life is kinda like that. Almost impossible to have like one person fulfill all your needs, unless you are super lucky to meet someone like that. So almost like, gotta find different needs fulfill by different people. So at the moment, all I can do is have different FwBs and Friends to fulfill different areas of needs in my life.

I think even finding someone you could hole up with for 14 days for him to make what you wanna play come true, can't be that difficult. What's difficult is it's a world wide search. So basically whether he has a place to host. And where he is located and how do you get to him to play this out will be the most difficult part.



< Message edited by Greta75 -- 5/27/2017 1:58:51 AM >

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RE: How often do you play? - 5/27/2017 1:41:57 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Honestly, I couldn't tell you. Not only have I not kept count, I'd still be on a loss on *what* to count.

While I understand that you didn't want to this to be a definition of semantics, I'd still want to know how certain things fall. To me, you split this up into two different categories:

One is the dynamic, itself. While ritual and protocol are the easy answers, to me, there's also this part about authority. Would it raise eyebrows if people noticed that I 'tell' rather than 'ask'? Some people would just think I'm rude. Others would see it as D/s.

I'm also a bit curious about what people would think of as public displays, rather than just private ones? Would it be the stuff a vanilla person would see if it was under my roof or would it have to be something witnessed in a non-kink setting, such as a person's place of employment?


I am glad you posted this reply. That was my question too. Our Master/slave dynamic is 24/7 but she doesn't get physical BDSM torture everyday.

You mentioned the public reaction. We are completely open about living some kind of alt relationship lifestyle but we don't shove the details of it in anyone's face. I don't drag her around on a leash. I put a ceiling on our protocol in public shifting from M/s to an Owner/property type of mindset. For example... she wears a nice jewelry grade silver dog tag. When completely straight vanilla people ask about her "necklace", we say it means "she belongs to me" instead of explaining the Master/slave aspect. We remain honest about our dynamic without oversharing. She calls me Sir in public (not Master) and it doesn't raise any eyebrows. And like you, I prefer to tell than ask so "fetch" is frequently used.

As for the the physical BDSM stuff, like you, in any given week, the whole thing will vary. If life were ideal, I would have a baseline norm. That norm would be "have you had your spankings yet" in the mornings when we wake up. A nice slap & tickle session with open hand/paddle and/or flogger except the 2 days a week she works a double shift. I would also have a dungeon scene using the furniture once a week. That would be a minimum maintain routine.

_____________________________

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I give good thread.

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RE: How often do you play? - 5/27/2017 5:41:11 AM   
kiwisub22


Posts: 450
Joined: 7/16/2016
Status: offline 		When my Sir was alive, we pretty much lived "play" by the OP's definition. Our homelife would have definitely raised a vanilla's eyebrows. He was originally gorean, so what we did was gor light. He basically said that all that ritual was way too time consuming - for him, so he pared it down to something more than a minimum, but less than full-blown gorean. Like ResidentSadist, we played in the dungeon about once a week, with general slap-and-tickle in between.

My Sweetie and I have no protocol/ritual since he is pure sadist with no dominant tendencies, so we play in the dungeon two or three times a month, with a bdsm party once a month where he likes to make me swear at him in public.

One thing I quickly realized after my Sir died, was that I was not going to be able to replace him with a near identical copy. I wanted to - trust me, I really wanted to, but there was no-one local that I met that had that unique mind-set AND skill-set, that I could get along with on a daily basis.

I finally decided I was being very unfair to the men that I was meeting, expecting them to be "Sir-light", especially to my Sweetie. I basically had to make a choice to be with a man who I loved, and who loved to beat me, but could care less about dominating me, or try to change him - which doesn't seem to work well for any one, dumping him, and trying to find EXACTLY what I wanted in a man and hope they would a. love me, b. want to be my dominant, and c. do it all exactly as my Sir did it.

Realistically, the chances of finding a local man who "did" bdsm just like my Sir were very slim, so I chose life. I chose s/m with none of the D/s, and while it took some getting used to, especially since for five years I deferred to my Sir in basically everything, I have been extremely happy. Actually, I am as happy with my Sweetie as I was with my Sir - its just the outer trappings that are different.

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RE: How often do you play? - 9/12/2017 11:56:25 AM   
KinkyBlackMan


Posts: 57
Joined: 8/4/2015
Status: offline 		Not often enough. At the present time, I really only get to play in BDSM terms when I go to large events that only occur once or twice a year.

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