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he effort required to sustain hate and resentment and bitterness is much more than the energy needed to feel love and care, happiness and calm.

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Negative energy inside us can actually have physical adverse effects on our body such as causing illnesses.

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ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

Apparently the OP has lost the opportunity to handle an unresolved issue with someone. Well, in my own version of their Public Service Announcement, I would remind you that the opposite is also true. Anger also gets shit done and you shouldn't waste it.

I was never so pissed in my life as when someone died of natural causes before I could kill them . . . I will never every be able to watch their face as the life drains out of them while I strangle them with their own intestines. I want them to see my eyes, knowing that I am the one killing them slowly after having cut them open.

So... "Don't waste time so you don't risk loosing the opportunity." "Don't keep yourself surrounded by the negative energy"... kill your enemies today.

One of the problems with the world today is that not enough people drink from the skulls of their enemies. That is my public service announcement.

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ORIGINAL: PantyhosedDomina

If there is someone close to you i.e meaningfully in you're life like a relative or a loved one, sibling, offspring, parent etc that offended you and that you have separated from and they actually want to make amends, give them the chance to ask for you're forgiveness, to express remorse and to make the situation right with you. Their apology will not make what they did that hurt you go away but it will allow them to tell you that they are sorry, and to show it and to help you feel better about the situation. If they are sincere you should allow them to.

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ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

Apparently the OP has lost the opportunity to handle an unresolved issue with someone. Well, in my own version of their Public Service Announcement, I would remind you that the opposite is also true. Anger also gets shit done and you shouldn't waste it.

I was never so pissed in my life as when someone died of natural causes before I could kill them . . . I will never every be able to watch their face as the life drains out of them while I strangle them with their own intestines. I want them to see my eyes, knowing that I am the one killing them slowly after having cut them open.

So... "Don't waste time so you don't risk loosing the opportunity." "Don't keep yourself surrounded by the negative energy"... kill your enemies today.

One of the problems with the world today is that not enough people drink from the skulls of their enemies. That is my public service announcement.

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ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Forgiving does not mean liking them or giving them more chances to harm you again.

And unless they've done things to change, you would be foolish to believe they are sincere.

Mostly people aren't truly remorseful. They're simply sorry that you're angry at them. Not sorry that they hurt you.

When we advise forgiving people, it's an entirely selfish thing. You don't want them to have any more power over you, by having the sheer thought of them causing you to feel sad, angry, fearful etc. you take the thorn out so it stops hurting you. You
tdon't hand it back to them to stick you again.

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ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar

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ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Forgiving does not mean liking them or giving them more chances to harm you again.

And unless they've done things to change, you would be foolish to believe they are sincere.

Mostly people aren't truly remorseful. They're simply sorry that you're angry at them. Not sorry that they hurt you.

When we advise forgiving people, it's an entirely selfish thing. You don't want them to have any more power over you, by having the sheer thought of them causing you to feel sad, angry, fearful etc. you take the thorn out so it stops hurting you. You
tdon't hand it back to them to stick you again.

You don't need forgiveness for that. Indifference will do.

In fact, forgiving somebody whom you know is insincere, doesn't deserve it, and will hurt you again if they have the chance cheapens the concept of forgiveness to the point that it now becomes meaningless to give it even when you're dealing with somebody who has earned it.

If it's bestowed unearned, then you set up your life in such a way that there's no goal to achieve in order to get your forgiveness. Introspection isn't needed, neither is remorse, nor changes in behavior, nor acts of contrition. All that is needed to get your forgiveness it the patient waiting until you bestow it for no reason whatever.

Worse of all, you'll now go seeking such unearned forgiveness from others as well, expecting them to bestow it upon you for no reason whatever, stealing from yourself the chance to better yourself and learn from your mistakes because there is nothing to strive for.

Forgiving those who don't deserve it, who haven't changed, and who aren't worth it isn't selfish. It's self-devaluing, making your forgiveness -and the forgiveness you get from others- cheap, superficial, and without value.

In those cases where anger is no longer helpful, and forgiveness isn't earned, indifference is the only sensible course of action, because it's the only course of action in which you are not selling yourself short.

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ORIGINAL: tamaka

I don't know about that. If someone hurts you in some way, the one that you really need to heal is yourself. Having indifference towards the one who hurt you seems to me to not be honest in acknowledging the hurt they caused you. When you are hurt you have to mend yourself. I have always felt that forgiving others for their wrongdoing is the gift i give myself. I don't require anything from them to forgive them. However that doesn't mean i will continue to have any kind of relationship with them nor will i necessarily ever speak to them or think of them again.

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ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist
I was never so pissed in my life as when someone died of natural causes before I could kill them . . . I will never every be able to watch their face as the life drains out of them while I strangle them with their own intestines.

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ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar

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ORIGINAL: tamaka

I don't know about that. If someone hurts you in some way, the one that you really need to heal is yourself. Having indifference towards the one who hurt you seems to me to not be honest in acknowledging the hurt they caused you. When you are hurt you have to mend yourself. I have always felt that forgiving others for their wrongdoing is the gift i give myself. I don't require anything from them to forgive them. However that doesn't mean i will continue to have any kind of relationship with them nor will i necessarily ever speak to them or think of them again.

There's no reason indifference would cause you to not be honest about the hurt they caused you, or would cause you to not mend it. You're not feeling indifference towards yourself, or towards the hurt you feel/felt, but towards the person who caused the hurt.

Forgiveness means wiping the slate blank, and starting over. Giving them a new chance. If you speak about a debt being forgiven, the debt now no longer exists. If you speak about a person being forgiven, you are now no longer holding that person's past mistake against them and seeing it as a 'blight' on their record with you.

If you no longer have a relationship with them, and no longer speaking to them, you ARE holding something against them, you ARE keeping score of what they did to you, and you ARE exactly a penalty against them for what they did to you.
The fact that you moved on, have mended your hurts, and are no longer suffering from the event doesn't mean you've forgiven them.

You should move on, and mend your pain, and grant yourself permission to let it go. Not doing so is very damaging towards yourself. But doing that doesn't equate to forgiving them and wiping the slate clean. If you're still holding what they did against them, because you're actively shielding against having a relationship of any kind with them, you haven't forgiven them, instead you've reached a state of mending your hurts, and now feel indifferent towards the person who caused the hurt (you're no longer angry, but you also feel no good will towards them).

To equate that state of indifference with forgiveness devalues your actual forgiveness towards others when you give them a new chance, because they've proven that they've earned it, and you're now moving on without holding the 'score' of their past transgression against you permanently over their head as a tool of manipulation. Doing that is hard. It takes a lot from you. But when you manage to do it with the people who deserve it, it's a glorious act of generosity and love.
It's also an enormous self-victory and act of self-compassion, because usually it's much easier to lie to yourself and tell yourself that you've moved on, when you're still secretly keeping score for a while until you're really ready to let go.

Actual forgiveness is one of the most beautiful things you can bestow on yourself and on another human being, because it reaffirms that they're the kind of person whom has earned enough credit with you to be given a second chance, despite the fact that they momentarily failed to live up to the standards you expect of those in your life. It affirms the faith that you have that you can expect better from them in the future, and that you deserve better from them than they've given you in the past. It also affirms -and this is very important- that the person who hurt you holds you in high enough esteem that they've met your challenge to do better, and that you're worth it to them to attempt to make up for their mistake. It shows that they're the kind of person who finds you worth the effort to have you in their live, even if it comes at the cost of needing to make it up, changing their ways, and putting in the effort of treating you better in the future.

You shouldn't cheapen such a meaningful act by equating it to your own personal victory over your own pain, and your ability to move on while no longer being hurt by what happened without the transgressors help. Which is what indifference is: the realization that you cannot count on them to ever help you get through what they've done to you, and the decision to stop waiting for them to do something to help you feel better and instead move on on your own.
It's that realization that you cannot expect anything from them, and therefore should stop hoping for something to change that causes indifference, because you're now indifferent to whether they do something or not... it no longer matters, because you no longer have expectations that that person will add some benefit to your life in some way.

What you're describing isn't forgiveness but indifference... it's you moving on and letting go of the unrealistic/wrong expectations you used to have of this person, and instead putting them in the spot where they really belong all along: one where you no longer count on them, and where the 'score' of what they've done to you in the past will forever keep you from ever counting on them again.

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ORIGINAL: Greta75

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ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist
I was never so pissed in my life as when someone died of natural causes before I could kill them . . . I will never every be able to watch their face as the life drains out of them while I strangle them with their own intestines.

Seriously? Is their natural cause death too peaceful?

I often thought about how I will feel when the people who did me wrong, died.

First of all, I am a person who will confront the person who did me wrong and see what they say about it. Obviously in most cases, people who did me wrong, did not feel like they did anything at all. Then, I simply cut them out of my life for good. I don't forgive them.

If they died, great! Good riddance.

I don't understand OP regrets. All my non-forgiveness are also well thought of. I felt justified that they don't deserve anything from me. So I would never regret anything even if they died, because they are nothing to me anymore. They are as good as dead even if they are alive.