ThatDizzyChick
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Well to be honest, I saw him as dominant from the first moment I saw him, which is why I basically threw myself at him, took him home, and fucked him senseless for a weekend. The problem was he didn't see himself that way. So I did the sort of stealth sub thing with him, being the best girlfriend a guy could want, but it didn't do it for me. I needed him to dominate me actively, not passively, I needed him to make decisions without me having to urge and cajole him into it.
Well over the next couple years our relationship got increasingly strained, because I was unhappy in it because he wouldn't take control. I didn't tell him, because I was somewhat in denial myself at that point, but one night after we had a huge fight, one that looked like it might bring the relationship to an end, I got really drunk, and when he came home I just spilled my guts to him, I laid it all on the table.
He took me to bed and held me till I cried myself to sleep, and the next morning he told me he wasn't sure if he could be any good at it, but if I would show him and teach him, and be his coach, he would try to give me what I needed.
After that we talked a LOT, a whole fuck of a lot, about me, my wants, needs, motivations, and his feelings about it, his wants, needs, he did a lot of thinking to develop his ideas regarding his role, and mine, and together we just figured out what might work for us and implemented it.
We've fucked up a couple times (well to be honest, quite a lot), but after every fuck up we talk about it, what went wrong, why, and what we would do about it. And we then adjust what needs adjusting and we go forward, together, as a team.
We still talk a lot about me and my demons and dark corners, he knows more about me than anybody else, including myself. I say that because when I get upset (it happens a lot, which I am sure comes as no surprise to anybody), he always seems to know exactly how to get me through it. This is central to our dynamic, it gives him the insights he needs to do what I need without me having to tell him or ask him the way I did at first.
The struggles were with both of us. It took him a while to be comfortable with hurting me, he found it a turn on, but it went against his socialization. When I finally realized and accepted that I was a masochist, and that I actively wanted and enjoyed being hurt, it became easier for him. The time with The Other Fella also helped a lot, because he had competition, and that sort of drove him further into the role, but it also helped him define his limits, there were things The Other Fella would do that he didn't enjoy doing. And when The Other Fella split, that helped him as well, because we were in a time of extreme crisis and I was a total mess, falling back into the booze and dope path, and it fell on him to take control of the situation despite his pain and grief. And he did. and he has not stepped back since.
While the D/s element is an integral and central aspect of our relationship, it is a relationship before it is a D/s relationship. I suspect there would be a huge difference between what we do and what anybody would consider anything even vaguely M/s. And while our power dynamic is not very visible to the outside world, I am a bossy, demanding, and mouthy partner, but that is the way he wants me to be, we tried me being meek, and we both hated it. he started dating me because he liked my crazy, and he doesn't want me to stop being the crazy chick who picked him up in a bar one night.
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Not your average bimbo.
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