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Dominating the non sub - 9/2/2006 1:21:23 PM

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Femdoms, have you dominated many non-kink men in your past? If so, how did it compare to men who were kink-aware and submissive? Did you dominate vanilla guys before you knew about BDSM? Did you ever "convert" a vanilla partner into a submissive?

I've dominated a lot of non-kinky men -- both before I really understood my desires as well as afterward. I found that most vanilla men are open minded when it comes to sex and are willing to try anything - especially if they know it is turning their partner on. The trick, of course, is getting them to experiment with the more extreme stuff. Or deal with ego issues and fear. But there's nothing like fucking a straight, vanilla guy with a strap on for the first time -- and I've never had one regret it. They are pretty much converted after that experience.

Any thoughts?
Akasha

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RE: Dominating the non sub - 9/2/2006 1:41:03 PM

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In the early years, that's almost excusively what I did, dominate non kink aware people. There is a certain amount of challenge that is downright FUN. I think the non kink aware people have to have an open mind to start out with, though and many of them got a taste of it and pursued it further. There have been a few who years later have become kink aware and the convincing of the more extreme stuff was not as much of an issue.

At this point in my life though, I enjoy it still sometimes but for a LTR, I prefer to start from a place where they know the extreme stuff is a possibility to begin with. For anal play, I am having a much harder time finding anal virgins nowadays. I think more vanillas are exposed to that then they were several years ago and if they have never participated at least they are open to the experience.

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RE: Dominating the non sub - 9/2/2006 2:43:49 PM

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I suppose that was what my teenage boyfriends were.

Frankly someone who does anything for the possiblity of getting sex is a big turn-off to me now. Back then I was too naive to realize why they were doing what they did; thank goddess I wasn't easily persuaded to do things I didn't want and wasn't ready to do myself.

I currently have zero interest in doing anything with anyone who considers himself or herself vanilla other than just being friends.

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RE: Dominating the non sub - 9/2/2006 3:00:20 PM

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In a non-sexual way I tend to dominate most people I am around even if it is subtle, it is my nature.

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RE: Dominating the non sub - 9/2/2006 3:31:40 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

In a non-sexual way I tend to dominate most people I am around even if it is subtle, it is my nature.

Is that the same thing though?

I mean, I'm just naturally the "top" in any room 95% of the time but I don't think of that as me being a top or being dominant just being me. I also thing this is just life. Some people are leaders, some are followers and some are loners.

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RE: Dominating the non sub - 9/3/2006 2:19:59 PM

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Akasha, are you asking whether we've done kinky things as a top with men who didn't identify as kinky? Or, are you asking whether we tend to be dominant in relationships or situations where we didn't negotiate d/s?

If the former, for me, no, not with thoroughly vanilla men--though I've convinced more than one man who identified as a top that he liked bottoming as well. If the latter, yes; I'm good at persuasion, I tend to win arguments, so I generally get my way. I imagine this is partly natural inclination, but I am certain it also owes something to skills I have learned. I know I'm better at arguing now than I was three years ago.

Monica

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RE: Dominating the non sub - 9/3/2006 5:50:58 PM

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I converted a vanilla man into a submissive. It was fairly easy. He was a little apprehensive about me taking control of him and ordering him around, but about five minutes into it he must have realized that submitting to me was what he had always dreamed of. But while that was a rewarding experience for both of us, I once dated a man who was vanilla and completely closed-minded. When it became apparent that he was looking for a woman who would give him regular anal sex, but not so much as a tip of a tongue would be touching his hole, I got out of that situation. Maybe that's my fetish, but any man who refuses to open his ass for me is not someone I want to waste my time on. I have to agree with you there... that first time with the strap on is mind blowing for both parties. Any man who isn't open to getting that prostate stimulation has no idea what he's missing out on.

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RE: Dominating the non sub - 9/3/2006 7:00:46 PM

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Kind of a long reply... but you had so many scenarios to address in your OP.

quote:

But there's nothing like fucking a straight, vanilla guy with a strap on for the first time -- and I've never had one regret it. They are pretty much converted after that experience.

re:the kink-aware man (first timer)
Though I never involved myself with "converting" someone I do somewhat agree with what you say here. They never forget or regret that first time. I have had one gentleman that I had a session with that involved strapon play along with crossdressing & bondage. He really needed to explore this & had avoided following through with his need. I agreed to have have a session with him so that he could get over his guilt & embrace this very real need.

He has contacted me numerous times over the years (did so again just recently) telling me how he has never been able to duplicate the experience. He has done sessions with others but I believe his problem is that he has been trying to do this with vanilla partners.

I've pretty much had to block him each time he has contacted me because he really gets on my nerves begging for a repeat. I refuse & I have told him that he has to make a decision to pick a partner that will fulfill this need in his life & stop making the same mistake of getting involved with vanilla women who either have no desire for domination, only fumble their way through it because they hope to please him or they are flat out disgusted by this activity. I can't be sympathetic because he knows that submission, crossdressing & strapon play is a very real need in his life. He knew this when we first spoke & I told him that the only reason I agreed to helping him experience this was for him to get past his fear & intimidation. Since he has continually made the choice to involve himself with woman that are not dominant he has created his own misery. It is up to him to be honest with himself & be honest with the women he decides to get involved with.

re: the vanilla man (positive outcome)
I had a very good friend that I met shortly after he separated from his wife. He really needed to come out of his shell. He was so pent up I thought he would burst. His wife had pretty much shut him out sexually & he was a very creative guy. We dated for about 4yrs. During this time I introduced him to many aspects of this but we both recognized that he was neither top or bottom.... just extremely kinky. We are still friends to this day. I'm glad that we had that time together. He has told me so many times that this time saved his life in ways it was hard for him to explain. Basically he found the confidence & self esteem that he lost with the marriage that was loveless. He is now happily married to a wonderful gal that I actually encouraged him to flirt with.

re: the vanilla man (negative outcome)
The last guy I dated prior to meeting my partner was a strictly vanilla guy. He contacted me on a fetish site & he did seem to be curious about all of this. After dating for a short time it was time to decide to take it to the next level or walk away. We had a long talk & his reaction to many topics was more like fear & confusion more than interest. I truly tried to convey that consent was paramount & that never at any time would I surprise him or blindside him with anything at all. He came right out & told me that he feared that I might want to tie his balls to a concrete block & toss it out the window...

I actually tried dating him in a strictly vanilla manner since I did find him extremely appealing in many ways. This went well for a couple of months but I soon realized that I... well, how should I say it... I was walking away from the dinner table starved. It was really hard to find a tactful way to break this off & I gave it one more shot of working. I asked him to tell me of the most erotic, exotic, out of this world thing he would like to do with a partner & not fear that I would be freaked out by what he said. Needless to say it was rather basic... sex on the beach without a blanket was riskier than what I was told. I knew that I had to break this off right then. It would be very unfair to me to remain & extremely unfair to him to keep going. He would eventually know that he was unable to fulfill me & that could strip him of his self esteem. It took him several months to accept my decision.

As close as I can come to regarding dominating a vanilla before I knew about "this" (can't say BDSM because BDSM doesn't define me) would be my first serious relationship. It was shortly after we split that I found out that there was a name for any of this. At home & away from friends & family I was very much the controlling partner. He served me at home & was typically stripped nude. He catered to my every whim. I was the queen of his world & he treated me as such. The funny thing is that we were very involved with the biker community, my first leather family. He was looked up to in this community, kind of a top dog guy. If any of these bros had known that it was me getting the foot rub at night & not the other way around it wouldn't have been pretty. So we kind of turned it into a game... every time I had to fetch him a beer he had to make up for it in a big way when we got home.

I have never attempted to convert anyone... It is of my belief that this is all naturally wired within us. I sure have poked around to see if there were any untapped triggers but I don't believe that I can make anyone this if they weren't supposed to be part of this.

I also can't make a comparison... every relationship is different, everyone has different levels of intensity & the diversity in the partners I have had in my life simply prevent comparison.

< Message edited by MstrssPassion -- 9/3/2006 7:02:48 PM >

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RE: Dominating the non sub - 9/3/2006 8:57:28 PM

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I Love being a Vanilla !

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RE: Dominating the non sub - 9/3/2006 10:00:26 PM

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I've just got no stomach for it anymore. I'm over being someone else's carnival ride, yanno? I'm also not going to endure someone using me for their entertainment when my needs are not being met (in other words, I need someone to submit to me, not use me as a set of fangs, a whip holder or knot-tying machine.)

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RE: Dominating the non sub - 9/4/2006 4:05:02 AM

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RE: Dominating the non sub - 9/4/2006 8:45:08 AM

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Was in a 5 year long relationship with a vanilla submissive. And the kink was not there. Even though he was everything I needed outside the bedroom. I still have that part of me that made me look to someone else to fulfill my other needs. I dont want multiple men to take care of my needs. I'm wanting to find it all in one. But to answer your question yes I've been the dominant in all my vanilla relationships but they were not open to kink.

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RE: Dominating the non sub - 9/4/2006 10:05:48 AM

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I was converted from vanilla into a submissive by a lady prof. That was three years ago and I haven't had another experience since because I'm only seeking a committed LTR or marriage with someone who will also be my best friend. I'm masculine, athletic, solvent, and have no problems meeting women, but only dominant, loving, single Women are of interest. I don't care how beautiful she is casual play, hook ups and sessions hold no interest for me.

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RE: Dominating the non sub - 9/4/2006 10:41:57 AM

MysticFireTopaz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
Femdoms, have you dominated many non-kink men in your past? If so, how did it compare to men who were kink-aware and submissive? Did you dominate vanilla guys before you knew about BDSM? Did you ever "convert" a vanilla partner into a submissive?

Several years ago, I had an ad running on a vanilla site that I had to tone down quite a bit as the ones running the site were threatening to delete it. After it was toned down, it seemed to attract very bland types, so I took it down after a short time. When it was still running, I did get a response from a gentleman who lived about 50 miles away.

We dated a few times. He seemed open to hearing about the lifestyle, but told Me it just seemed too weird for him. I told him about some books and websites, but the impression I got was that he was just listening to Me to be polite and wasn't really interested. Shortly thereafter, I met a sub and entered into a long-term relationship, so I really didn't stay in touch with the first gentleman.

To My surprise, the first man showed up about six months later at the local munch, saying he was a new submissive! He told Me I had awakened a part of him that he didn't really know existed. He read some of the books and visited some of the websites and was then very eager to explore his submission. Since I had already found someone, I was not interested, but he was seeking out a Domme.

So yes, according to this gentleman, I did "convert" him into a submissive, but I am sure it was just awakening desires that were already present within him.

Lady Topaz

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RE: Dominating the non sub - 9/4/2006 1:55:12 PM

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There's a little variation on this situation. I come across as a very strong type man in most situations, but there are many woman who just make me weak, even though I usually feel like I cannot let on about it.

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RE: Dominating the non sub - 9/4/2006 2:28:55 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mp072004

Akasha, are you asking whether we've done kinky things as a top with men who didn't identify as kinky? Or, are you asking whether we tend to be dominant in relationships or situations where we didn't negotiate d/s?

If the former, for me, no, not with thoroughly vanilla men--though I've convinced more than one man who identified as a top that he liked bottoming as well. If the latter, yes; I'm good at persuasion, I tend to win arguments, so I generally get my way. I imagine this is partly natural inclination, but I am certain it also owes something to skills I have learned. I know I'm better at arguing now than I was three years ago.

Monica

I think either question is a good one, but I was specifically asking about topping. I've always been the more aggressive party anyway, so the dominant personality kind of came with the territory - I wasn't attracted to men that would not willingly follow the lead, and I enjoyed being the pursuer. Whether it was first kiss, flirting, or handing my phone number over and saying, "Call me."

Akasha

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RE: Dominating the non sub - 9/4/2006 2:34:35 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MisPandora

I've just got no stomach for it anymore. I'm over being someone else's carnival ride, yanno? I'm also not going to endure someone using me for their entertainment when my needs are not being met (in other words, I need someone to submit to me, not use me as a set of fangs, a whip holder or knot-tying machine.)

I read your response and I think you are talking about being tired of dating vanillas, but I actually have experienced more drama like the examples you give from dating "submissives." I guess they were not submissive, they were bottoms, right? What frustrated me when I first starting dating self-identified subs or kinky men was their expectations regarding how I should behave, what I would do and what kinks I would share with them.

With the vanilla guys, I found it refreshing because there was none of that. Sure, there was the minefield of the stereotype if the guy found out I was kinky, and he thought kinky = easy lay or we'd be jumping into bed. I always made it clear that just because I was into kink did not mean I was going to sleep with him. That got rid of the horny ones pretty quick.

And I also would lose interest or stay away from guys that responded with, "oh wow, cool, so are you like a leather chick? Do you have a whip? Show me your toys!" -- forget that. I found with men that were kind of curious, but a little intimidated, that was the way to go. But more importantly, they had to have a sincere desire to push my buttons.

I realize looking back though, one of the main reasons this worked was because I typically dated men I could control - plain and simple. I didn't see it at the time, but I do now. I dated guys a little younger, a lot more inexperienced and definitely on the shy side. I was always the aggressor, so that meant generally they guys would follow my lead.

Akasha

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RE: Dominating the non sub - 9/4/2006 8:19:20 PM

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And for the rare powerful, headstrong nilla that makes it through, it makes for a hell of a ride, I'm sure.

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RE: Dominating the non sub - 9/5/2006 2:01:42 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

In a non-sexual way I tend to dominate most people I am around even if it is subtle, it is my nature.

I do this also, but am aware of it and do try to keep a lid on it.

In terms of dominating non-submissives.... this is what I did before I became aware of what I was all about... I lways thought that the non-submissive in question must think im the bossiest bitch going ;-) LOL

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RE: Dominating the non sub - 9/5/2006 3:55:54 PM

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I think vanilla submissive men just haven't learned to own their submissiveness. Yet they always seem to be attracted to the strong, dominant type of women. My last ex-vanilla boyfriend was a perfect example of that. Submissive in every sense of the word but always battling with it and trying but failing miserably to put on that he was a macho, man's man! So, I think that true Dominance comes through in your persona even before you own it yourself too.

Oh but once you own it, there's no turning back!

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