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Lies and Disappointments - 2/17/2005 3:55:51 PM

abusiveownerstoy

Posts: 7
Joined: 10/29/2004
Status: offline

i recently was released by my Master of only 5 months. time is of no essence, i loved Him, everything about Him, He was my first Owner, now on account of a health issue, which he refuses to open his mind and seek solutions and ways around it, he admitted He was shalloow on the issue and released me. i have only been in this lifestyle like 9 months but even before Him, the sessions, the doms i've met and spoke with, lies... misrepresentaions of themselves. i dare not surrender to anyone again, as i know the outcome will be the same. History repeats itself...

_____________________________

Have you given in to your darkest desires? i am still waiting for the right One to lead me thru these portals.

i am not looking for romance or share time with the wife, i need discipline and order which only comes from consistency.

RE: Lies and Disappointments - 2/17/2005 3:59:29 PM

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

History repeats itself...

History only repeast's itself if you do not learn from it. Take a step back and reflect. Figure out what you did wrong in your choices. Or just be more picky the next time.
There is someone out there for everyone for some of us it just takes longer to find them.

Hang in there, the right person will come along.

(in reply to abusiveownerstoy)

RE: Lies and Disappointments - 2/17/2005 6:32:56 PM

Posts: 113
Joined: 11/12/2004
Status: offline

Very well said..... Doms are not the only ones to misrepresent themselves nor lie......

_____________________________

One has to respect the thorns to have a Rose

(in reply to sub4hire)

RE: Lies and Disappointments - 2/17/2005 7:45:33 PM

Posts: 125
Joined: 2/7/2005
Status: offline

If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.

So...the onus may be on you to make some adjustments to what you're doing - your vetting process, your interactions, etc.

_____________________________

-- Sherri

A hard-on does NOT count as personal growth

(in reply to abusiveownerstoy)

RE: Lies and Disappointments - 2/17/2005 8:58:01 PM

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

Releasing someone over a health issue isn't shallow. When someone needs to focus on getting well, that is their priority. He needed to take care of himself in this matter.

I understand that love can come quickly. Usually it develops over a longer period of time, but sometimes.. wham! There it is. I know you're very hurt right now over your seeming desertion. Take a bit of time off for those feelings to fade. You've had an emotional wound. Take care of it. Rushing out and jumping into the next available relationship isn't doing that. Give yourself time to grieve and heal.

As to the running into liars, it sounds to me, like it did to some others, that your vetting process isn't sufficient. Remember, relationships take time to grow. If you meet someone one week and are "theirs" the next.. that person has no real commitment to you. You're just another body, easily replaced. Hold yourself high in value. Do not give yourself lightly. How about while you're waiting for your heart to heal, you get involved in the local BDSM community. Don't go looking to meet someone.. go for the support that other people in kink can offer. In time, when you're ready for a new relationship, your new friends can help guide you to a reputable Dominant. You don't say what part of SC you're in, so here are just a smattering of SC links. Maybe we'll get lucky and one is near you.

http://www.sc-lock.com/
http://www.t3wd.org/
http://www.clawsllc.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MyrtleBeachKink/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/SC-ChaSM/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Charleston_SC_BD_SM/

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to abusiveownerstoy)

RE: Lies and Disappointments - 2/17/2005 9:59:45 PM

Posts: 374
Joined: 12/6/2004
Status: offline

Maybe its time to change your name too? from the inside and the out.
Recipe for licking your wounds healthy and fighting fit.
chocolate, and lots of it.
do something new each day.
go read Positive Experiences thread, it shows it can be sooo good.
go meet a new crowd of friendly people at a munch.
stay bloody single! for at least 3 months.
get in shape, or have a makeover for the new you to emerge into.
Do not bore the ass of your mates, talk for a week, then shut up and move on.
Try to correct any 'woe is me' self talk, challenge your false statements like 'history repeats itself' they're bad for you.
Take responsibility for your self in your choices, they were after all, your choices.
Respect yourself
Treat yourself to something truly deliciously wiked

(in reply to BeachMystress)

RE: Lies and Disappointments - 2/17/2005 11:33:26 PM

Posts: 248
Joined: 2/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: abusiveownerstoy

i recently was released by my Master of only 5 months. time is of no essence, i loved Him, everything about Him, He was my first Owner, now on account of a health issue, which he refuses to open his mind and seek solutions and ways around it, he admitted He was shalloow on the issue and released me. i have only been in this lifestyle like 9 months but even before Him, the sessions, the doms i've met and spoke with, lies... misrepresentaions of themselves. i dare not surrender to anyone again, as i know the outcome will be the same. History repeats itself...

Ok, first off, if history is repeating itself, it's because you aren't learning what you need to know from it. Five months is a pretty fast time frame to get involved with someone as an owner. If you are going to be successful in finding a Dom, the first thing you need to do is learn to be very selective. Don't believe everything people tell you, because they will not always tell you the truth. Look at how someone behaves, if their actions live up to their lipservice.

I know a lot of times, submissives are driven to give of themselves, to be generous with their time and energy. That can be counterproductive in getting a D/s relationship started. Human nature is that people value the things they have to work for, that they have paid for. If you give me a new car, I'll love it! It's great to have a car! But I won't value it the same way as a car that I have worked for and planned for. One that I have purchased myself. That car is MY car, the other car is one that someone gave me. If a Dominant is showing interest in you, make him do some work for your attention. If he's not willing to, move on. That's a sure sign that that Dominant doesn't value you, he just wants what you are giving away.

Be well.

(in reply to abusiveownerstoy)

RE: Lies and Disappointments - 2/18/2005 12:20:23 AM

abusiveownerstoy

Posts: 7
Joined: 10/29/2004
Status: offline

"if you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got"

to the person who replied with this- what are you, fresh out of a program or something? you have no idea what changes i have had to make back and forth and upside down to please these players. so please dont quote semantics to me, spend a day in my restraints lady before you decide who was in the wrong

_____________________________

Have you given in to your darkest desires? i am still waiting for the right One to lead me thru these portals.

i am not looking for romance or share time with the wife, i need discipline and order which only comes from consistency.

(in reply to NoPinkBalloons)

RE: Lies and Disappointments - 2/18/2005 5:34:00 AM

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: abusiveownerstoy
i dare not surrender to anyone again, as i know the outcome will be the same. History repeats itself...

About 40% of newbies say this at some point within their first 2 years in the scene. About 10% actually leave and go vanilla.

What do these people have in common? YOU.

Stop dating and start finding who YOU are, what YOU want and build your own rock to stand on. Saying that all doms are liars and can't be trusted is a reasonable feeling, but it's not a reasonable truth. Figure out why you keep attracting these people and work on changing it.

(in reply to abusiveownerstoy)

RE: Lies and Disappointments - 2/18/2005 4:54:43 PM

Posts: 140
Joined: 10/31/2004
Status: offline

quote:

"if you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got"

to the person who replied with this- what are you, fresh out of a program or something? you have no idea what changes i have had to make back and forth and upside down to please these players. so please dont quote semantics to me, spend a day in my restraints lady before you decide who was in the wrong

Hi abusiveownerstoy,

if there is anyone that understands what you have been through/going through, understands the changes you have made, understands the changes you may have to make......you will find them here.......on the message boards.
You will find a lot of different responses, issues raised, help, guidance and advice. Some opinions you may not like or agree with, but as you posted a thread, you put your issue out there for people to discuss.

i do not mean you any disrepect, nor am i replying with any malice or attitude.

The fact that people reply with an idea or advice to me...is priceless. i cannot go and discuss things of this nature with anyone close to me. There are many on the boards whose opinions i highly respect, and the replies are written in good faith, i find it awesome that those people are actually putting in the time to respond, when i'm sure there is plenty of other things to do.

Take care, things will look up for you soon

n

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

RE: Lies and Disappointments - 2/18/2005 5:03:33 PM

jillwfsub4blkdom

Posts: 375
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline

Sheri usually has very good advice. You might take a few steps back and reread what people took their time to advise.

jill

_____________________________

"It's the moment that transcends
Our physical into a more spiritual level of understanding" - Musiq

(in reply to abusiveownerstoy)

RE: Lies and Disappointments - 2/19/2005 7:57:19 AM

Posts: 116
Joined: 11/24/2004
Status: offline

quote:

"if you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got"

to the person who replied with this- what are you, fresh out of a program or something? you have no idea what changes i have had to make back and forth and upside down to please these players. so please dont quote semantics to me, spend a day in my restraints lady before you decide who was in the wrong

Hold up. OK I know you're hurting, but there is no need to be so defensive. Sherri just stated her opinion and by starting this thread, is that not what you were looking for? Just because you were not validated by it, does not make her opinion invalid.

don't look a gift horse in the mouth!

I agree with Sherri. I've had my share of bad relationships. I could spend alot of time, and beleive me I have, trying to place the blame on them, and most often justifiably. Ultimately, however, I eventually have to take responsibility of deciding what is best for me. I try to learn from my mistakes, see what I was attracted to, how I ignored red flags, what patterns repeat themselves and only then can I move forward and grow as a person.

You say history repeats itself. It doesn't have to.

Good luck.

Best
Joshua

< Message edited by Bigbossman4u -- 2/19/2005 8:00:09 AM >

_____________________________

"Egotism is the anesthetic which nature gives us to deaden the pain of being a fool." - Dr Herbert Schofield

(in reply to abusiveownerstoy)

RE: Lies and Disappointments - 2/19/2005 9:01:43 AM

Posts: 255
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline

Refuse to live in the wreckage of your future.

(in reply to Bigbossman4u)

RE: Lies and Disappointments - 2/19/2005 9:10:55 AM

Posts: 116
Joined: 11/24/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Refuse to live in the wreckage of your future.

So succinct.. I must borrow that one :)

best
Joshua

_____________________________

"Egotism is the anesthetic which nature gives us to deaden the pain of being a fool." - Dr Herbert Schofield

(in reply to Gemeni)

RE: Lies and Disappointments - 2/19/2005 9:13:54 AM

Posts: 1
Joined: 5/24/2004
Status: offline

Well, I've had my share of bad relationships and claims that I'd never open up to anybody ever again. All my sympathy to you, I've wound up living in a battered womens' shelter without my kids and illegally in another country without a way to support myself. But if it feels like all the advice to "not allow history to repeat itself" is unsympathetic, maybe you're looking for a hug and an understanding audience rather than actual advice? There's nothing wrong with that, but you didn't say "please don't post advice, but only sympathy." Honestly, it's TRUE what people are saying: making a firm commitment to yourself not to get involved too quickly and without testing the man's commitment to you is the most important thing you can do. It's hard to do when you're in love with someone new, but if you can't do it then history will repeat itself forever. And yes, I am very sympathetic and I know that it's much easier to give this advice than to take it ;)

~Molly Troubletail~

(in reply to Gemeni)

RE: Lies and Disappointments - 2/19/2005 11:10:23 AM

Posts: 292
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline

I was watching Dr. Phil the other day and he said to someone who complained of relationships never working that that person should review all of the common demoninators in their past relationships and them fix them. One common demoninator we all have is us. I can complain for now until forever that he lied to me, he was unfaithful, he was whatever my complaint of the day is; it may well be true. But the one common demoninator in each bad relationship I have ever had is me. That means - like the advice already given - we have to fix ourselves.

I submit that the first step in fixing ourself is taking personal responsibility for our part in any relationship. Maybe you are like Mary Poppins (practically perfect in everyway), but I sugeest you consider that slowing waaaayyyyy down would be a very good thing for you.

quote:

i have only been in this lifestyle like 9 months but even before Him, the sessions, the doms i've met and spoke with, lies... misrepresentaions of themselves. i dare not surrender to anyone again, as i know the outcome will be the same. History repeats itself...

no idea what changes i have had to make back and forth and upside down to please these players.

Let me repeat - SLOW DOWN!!!!!

I am amazed that you have been in this lifestyle 9 months, been collared for five and have still met and played with others. Someone suggested that you give yourself at least three months to heal before you become involved with someone else. In that time, do some research about being a submissive - read, read, and read - and participate here and other places, join a submissive support group. Learn to value yourself (9 months from then to now does not indicate self-value). Learn what you want. Learn more about who you are.

To help prevent the repetition of history, I suggest that when you begin again, take your time. Value yourself enough to go slowly enough to be able to make a decision - certainly easier said than done when one is in the heat of the moment and the hormones are raging, but worth the restraint. Submission is not about being gullible, trying to please every chest thumper that comes along, it is not about being led by the nose (though that could be fun:)), and until you discover for yourself how you can best live your submissive nature, you might wish to avoid sessions, scening, and the insta-collar.

newflowers

(in reply to charmedchiclet)

RE: Lies and Disappointments - 2/19/2005 10:51:48 PM

Posts: 125
Joined: 2/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: abusiveownerstoy

"if you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got"

to the person who replied with this- what are you, fresh out of a program or something? you have no idea what changes i have had to make back and forth and upside down to please these players. so please dont quote semantics to me, spend a day in my restraints lady before you decide who was in the wrong

Actually, if you'll look back, I didn't say anyone was in the wrong. You said history repeats itself. I was simply pointing out that when you repeat patterns you tend to get the same outcome. There's no blame in that statement; it's simply an observation that may or may not apply to you. It seems to be pretty much the same thing as everyone else said, so I'm not sure why you singled me out for the vitriolic response.

My point was simply that *if* you believe that history will repeat itself, then the ball is in your court - you have to make changes to the pattern if you want a different outcome. You have ALL the power in that paradigm, and that's a GOOD thing. You can take a look at what you'd like to change and make it so.

FTR, I've never been in a "program" and I'm from the school where being called a player is a compliment - it means we actually DO this stuff, instead of just talking about it.

_____________________________

-- Sherri

A hard-on does NOT count as personal growth

(in reply to abusiveownerstoy)

RE: Lies and Disappointments - 8/16/2005 3:00:58 PM

Posts: 2
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline

A captain and his first mate know that the strong waves and wind of a storm are but for a moment and then peacefull waters will welcome them. They know not to quit. They know to go on.

(in reply to charmedchiclet)

RE: Lies and Disappointments - 8/16/2005 3:06:13 PM

Posts: 2
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline

Words are sometimes not to ridicule but to find out the way a person feels and thinks. To find out their sense of right and wrong. To find their personal sense of moral values. If I could crawl into this computer and come out into the other side..to you...so you can see the measure of the man...and how he wants to lift your chin and look into your eyes.....

(in reply to charmedchiclet)

RE: Lies and Disappointments - 8/16/2005 3:42:03 PM

Posts: 674
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline

I understand completely , its happened to me and for a year with my last Master. He was what we call a predator. pick yourself up , brush yourself off, and have a vanilla date with a dominant...start slow.

(in reply to abusiveownerstoy)

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