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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Polyamorous Lifestyles >> How long have you been together?

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How long have you been together? - 12/11/2006 4:53:45 AM

xoxi

Posts: 1066
Joined: 8/14/2006
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One thing I'm curious about - I've heard so many people say poly works so much better than monogamy, but I have yet to hear a true 'til death do you part' poly story. Everything tends to last for a couple months, couple years, then sort of segues into a primary relationship with one of the secondary partners.

So...my question here...How long have you and your poly partner been together? And are you polyamorous (multiple relationships) or non-monogamous (one primary relationship and multiple sex partners)? And are you *looking* for a long term, permanent relationship, or not?

It's something I, as a monogamous person, have always been curious about. Tell me your success stories!

Post #: 1

RE: How long have you been together? - 12/11/2006 7:09:45 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I've been with my one partner now for about 2.5 years, and my other partner about 2 years, though only intimate for about a year and a half.

I'm not seeking others, but we're always open to whatever comes along in general.

My ex-owner has lived with his primary for about 2 decades and has been with his other two girls for almost a decade as well now.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to xoxi)

Post #: 2

RE: How long have you been together? - 12/11/2006 7:14:15 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

The main differences for me between mono and poly:

Mono assumes the one person can fulfill all my needs. I recognize that this isn't true for me, so I choose to have multiple partners. Some are relationships that I'd like to have long-term...some are simply sexual buddies (which, technically, is more like a swinger relationship to me).

Mono usually assumes that the one persons is, or should be, forever. For poly to assume this would be counter-intuitive. I don't know of many vanilla mono relationships that have lasted until death...or at least any where one spouse or the other (usually the husband) didn't cheat (which means they're poly by default in a lot of people's heads...even if unethically).

Your definition of success is just that: your definition. You are assuming it is our definition, too. It's not...which is one reason you, and a lot of other people, don't get poly. For me, successful poly is being in multiple, long-term relationships with people who accept this way of life openly and honestly. It's not cheating is all parties agree. Long-term, for me, is over a year.

LA used to have a signature that said: Find stable partners, not a stable full of partners. I think that's true for a lot of use who are basing poly on relationships, not sex. We just happen to need more than one relationship at a time.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to xoxi)

Post #: 3

RE: How long have you been together? - 12/11/2006 9:39:14 AM

MasterNdorei

Posts: 658
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

MasterFireMaam has a significant point (as usual) in that success is in the eyes of the beholder. i know a three triads, and one family that are getting enough to keep themselves together, but it would never be enough to keep me there.

The family has been together as a triad for three years, with new additions this past year. The triads have been together for 7 years, 2 years, and 6 months.

Ironically the triad that has lasted 7 years is probably the least lifestyle, and has become more of a vanilla arrangement. Though they attend functions as a poly house, they all agree there has been no lifestyle play in years, and only two are sexually active with each other (not the husband and wife), and (and i am not kidding here) they are all happy!

Loving this strange and wonderful world...
Master's dorei

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 4

RE: How long have you been together? - 12/11/2006 10:49:46 AM

MsKatHouston

Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline

I am polyamourous as is my husband. We have been married 8 years, together for 9.

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to MasterNdorei)

Post #: 5

RE: How long have you been together? - 12/11/2006 11:20:16 AM

xoxi

Posts: 1066
Joined: 8/14/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

Your definition of success is just that: your definition. You are assuming it is our definition, too. It's not...which is one reason you, and a lot of other people, don't get poly. For me, successful poly is being in multiple, long-term relationships with people who accept this way of life openly and honestly. It's not cheating is all parties agree. Long-term, for me, is over a year.

Well yeah that's why one of the questions I asked is if you were *looking* for something long term/permanent

Also I'm curious about something else...does a poly setup seem to work better with one 'primary' relationship and the others being secondary, or where all the relationships carry equal weight (the best example I can think of is a household with one Master/Mistress and multiple 'slave sisters/brothers')?

Also if there is generally one core or primary relationship, how does that work in terms of conflict resolution? Does the poly person generally side with the primary partner in a conflict where nobody is 'right' or 'wrong' but simply disagree? And does the primary relationship tend to last longer than the secondary ones?

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 6

RE: How long have you been together? - 12/11/2006 4:51:05 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 6465
Joined: 7/29/2005
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alandra and I have been in a relationship since the summer of 87. Been living together since the summer of 90 and been aware of poly desires since that time. However, we have only been an active open-poly relations since about 99.

kyra and I have been in a relatioship since the fall of 04 and of course... she committed into an ongoing poly M/s relationship dynamic in the spring of 05.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

"Respect.... It is the ability to see people as they are, to be aware of their unique individuality" Eric Fromm

(in reply to xoxi)

Post #: 7

RE: How long have you been together? - 12/11/2006 5:10:19 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 6465
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

Mono assumes the one person can fulfill all my needs.

I wouldn't agree with this statement. I believe that many Mono oriented individuals will accept that one person will meet certain specific needs (such as sex). But, such as friendship and companionship could very easily be meet with others.

quote:

Mono usually assumes that the one persons is, or should be, forever. For poly to assume this would be counter-intuitive. I don't know of many vanilla mono relationships that have lasted until death...or at least any where one spouse or the other (usually the husband) didn't cheat (which means they're poly by default in a lot of people's heads...even if unethically).

There is more than a few poly that see their partners making a life committment, I am one of them. Instead of committment to a specific individual.. it's a commitment to a family.

I actually know a fair number of vanilla relationships that have lasted for years. In fact... I know more that have been in long-term commited relationships than those that have not.

lastly... Cheating... doesn't equate to Poly. The cheating individual maybe trying to have a poly relationship. But, the person out of the loop still percieves it as mono. Also, just sleeping around.. doesn't equate to a relationship.. which doesn't equate to the cheater having a poly lifestyle. IMO, Poly.. is an ongoing Relationship at a minimum.... Sleeping around doesn't equate to an ongoing relationship.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

"Respect.... It is the ability to see people as they are, to be aware of their unique individuality" Eric Fromm

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 8

RE: How long have you been together? - 12/11/2006 5:34:12 PM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

alandra and I have been in a relationship since the summer of 87. Been living together since the summer of 90 and been aware of poly desires since that time. However, we have only been an active open-poly relations since about 99.

kyra and I have been in a relatioship since the fall of 04 and of course... she committed into an ongoing poly M/s relationship dynamic in the spring of 05.

Now is that with your current females or has that time been a flux of others? Meaning- you have been doing this for about 23 years.. 23 with the women you have now or... over the years with many?

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 9

RE: How long have you been together? - 12/11/2006 6:04:51 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3235
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

alandra and I have been in a relationship since the summer of 87. Been living together since the summer of 90 and been aware of poly desires since that time. However, we have only been an active open-poly relations since about 99.

kyra and I have been in a relatioship since the fall of 04 and of course... she committed into an ongoing poly M/s relationship dynamic in the spring of 05.

Now is that with your current females or has that time been a flux of others? Meaning- you have been doing this for about 23 years.. 23 with the women you have now or... over the years with many?

Alandra and I are his current slaves or are you not understanding what is written? He has been with alandra for 19 years (not sure where you get 23) and the three of us have had a relationship since 2004. There was only one other committed relationship that lasted for three years. She left of her own choosing to explore new options for herself.

There have been other relationships of varying degrees of significance but he has made a commitment to only three girls in his life. Two he is still committed to and the other left for her own reasons.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 10

RE: How long have you been together? - 12/11/2006 6:58:36 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: xoxi
Also I'm curious about something else...does a poly setup seem to work better with one 'primary' relationship and the others being secondary, or where all the relationships carry equal weight (the best example I can think of is a household with one Master/Mistress and multiple 'slave sisters/brothers')?

For me and for now it works better where there is no "primary" distinction.

quote:

Also if there is generally one core or primary relationship, how does that work in terms of conflict resolution?

Each relationship is handled as its own unique relationship.

quote:

Does the poly person generally side with the primary partner in a conflict where nobody is 'right' or 'wrong' but simply disagree?

I shudder to think of a poly situation fostering and encouraging such behavior.

quote:

And does the primary relationship tend to last longer than the secondary ones?

Nope- it is not an empty fear for the original person to fear the replacement of the new body.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to xoxi)

Post #: 11

RE: How long have you been together? - 12/11/2006 7:16:49 PM

yoursnatch

Posts: 28
Joined: 9/11/2005
Status: offline

Every situation is different but in our home when you join the family it is for life and it is a commitment you make to Master and his home. The Mistress of the house has been his wife for 15 years and his first girl has been with him for 9 years and his second girl has been with him for 7 years his third has been here for 9 months and i have been here going on 4 months. Everyone's place is clearly defined and there is no change in status. Though we live in a vanilla world due to work and unmentionables, at home Master rules the house. Yes we are a family but we also serve Master as slaves as is our place and each in there way of Master's choosing. Do i think we are a success, yes very much so. Master is our primary relationship.

(in reply to xoxi)

Post #: 12

RE: How long have you been together? - 12/11/2006 7:34:12 PM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

Alandra and I are his current slaves or are you not understanding what is written? He has been with alandra for 19 years (not sure where you get 23) and the three of us have had a relationship since 2004. There was only one other committed relationship that lasted for three years. She left of her own choosing to explore new options for herself.

There have been other relationships of varying degrees of significance but he has made a commitment to only three girls in his life. Two he is still committed to and the other left for her own reasons.

Knight's kyra

23 yrs= Fuzzy math :) Sorry.

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 13

RE: How long have you been together? - 12/11/2006 7:54:21 PM

SweetDommes

Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline

Holly and I have been together for 7 years, rob has been with us for just over 3 years now. We have had others, which would not count as long term for most people (although, 2 of them were intended to be - one was about 4 months long, the other was 8 months). We intend for our relationships to be permanent, if we can ever find a fourth that we can live with ...

Holly and I, I suppose, would be considered to be the primary relationship, simply because we have been together for so long, but we don't really consider it as such.

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 14

RE: How long have you been together? - 12/12/2006 1:23:12 AM

BootBlackBlast

Posts: 378
Joined: 10/23/2006
Status: offline

I am in an interesting relationship situation. My primary partner/girlfriend Cheri and I have been together for about 15 months now. She and her, for lack of an other or a better word, husband, Rich, have been together for around 28 years. Rich and Cheri started swinging about 12 or so years ago when Cheri took her interest in girls seriously. She had a few girlfriends that lasted 3-6 months but nothing really long term or exclusive where her husband wasn't also occasionally having sex with the girls, their male partners, or both. Cheri and I met while my friend Alan was making out one night during Gay Day's at Disneyland. I found Cheri sitting in a circle of gay boys talking and drinking the night away. Cheri and I hit it off immediately and she would later admit to trying to get me to go back to her room and share me with Rich. Fortunately for us in the long run, that just didn't happen. We ended up talking for hours on the phone in the coming days and weeks. Within 3 weeks I was driving to SF from LA to spend a weekend with her. Fast forward a year and we are still very happy together and I still haven't slept with Rich. Rich has developed his relationship with Alan albeit much slower than Cheri and I and they are falling in love. I have also taken on a sissy boy part time for housework, service, and release of frustrations. I have other male play partners and cuddle buddies. And I am actively seeking a male boot slut puppy preferably gay or actually bi.

Cheri and I have Rich's permission to actually get married, have a committment ceremony, or some other thing of the like. We are discussing it and it's timeframe but we're in no hurry. So as far as I can see this is what I'd consider to be successful. We also stress the use of constant communication, recognition of passive agressive tendencies, and the availability of an excellent alternative lifestyle therapist.

...Lady Blast~
...Bootblack Blast~
...Jessica~

_____________________________

Leather Rubbin and Dubbin

Bootblack Blast
Mama's Blast

(in reply to SweetDommes)

Post #: 15

RE: How long have you been together? - 12/20/2006 9:42:04 PM

Cross101

Posts: 3
Joined: 7/6/2004
Status: offline

Ok I gotta toss in my two cents. I have been married and poly for 8 years now. We have been together for 10 years.In that ten years we both hae had our collard subs(slaves in her case) and they slipped to the way side for many reasons. My wife has always been collerd to me and always will be I cant see my life, as hectic as it is with out her.

(in reply to BootBlackBlast)

Post #: 16

RE: How long have you been together? - 12/22/2006 8:56:40 PM

hisannabelle

Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline

i've been with my dominant/primary partner for almost a year, and we are currently non-monogamous by default, although open to love relationships as well as sex partners. i don't see this changing anytime soon, except to accomodate future relationships outside of the primary one.

(in reply to Cross101)

Post #: 17

RE: How long have you been together? - 12/27/2006 11:27:46 PM

RUpainsmith

Posts: 42
Joined: 11/13/2006
Status: offline

I never played the terminology game too well, so don't quite know where I fall in the semantic spectrum. There are two girls that I am committed to, one far more vanilla than the other, but both with their own tastes and preferences, and both for the past year. They've met, know about each other, get along, etc, but are both straight and have had no desire to interact. We all have the freedom to interact with anyone else we desire, because we see our relationships as based in openness, trust, and reliability. Whether this makes me non-monogamous, polyamorous, or single, I'll leave that to whoever is attempting to box me.

Peace and happy holidays.

(in reply to hisannabelle)

Post #: 18

RE: How long have you been together? - 12/30/2006 12:32:12 AM

AkaMistress4you

Posts: 5
Joined: 5/6/2004
From: ORegon
Status: offline

I have been in a poly relationship for 2 years. Living with them for 1. I wasnt looking for anything long term but it feels right. When there is a disagreement between the two others I stay out of it. They have been togeather for 35 years, so I figgure they can handle their own relationship. I am the newest third and they have had many others. What has made their relationship work is their willingness to talk, not being afraid of being "left". Both feel if the other wants/needs to be with someone else they they want them to be happy.

I am his Mistress (he is a switch) and his partner is not his sub (she has play partners of her own), but he has had sub in the past and I stay out of those relationships. No one carries more weight than the other. If we have a problem we sit down and talk about it,if it is about the family. We also sound off on each other about how the relationship is going often, not just for complaints but what is right as well. We have a few non negotionable rules that we all have agreed to. It is a complex relation ship with many others comming in and going out. We all want what is best for the others,
.

(in reply to RUpainsmith)

Post #: 19

RE: How long have you been together? - 1/1/2007 12:07:30 PM

Raven3335

Posts: 2
Joined: 2/24/2004
Status: offline

We Have been together as a Poly-Triad for Three years. We are a Poly-Pagan-Handfasted family consisting of Two Males and one female. Here is where the fun begins, I am a Dominate Sadistic, Masochistic, Daddy Dom, that is the handfasted Master over my lil girl/Domme, and also handfasted Master over her male Slave/husband. She (my lil girl submissive) is a total Domme (except for me) over her slave/husband, she is bi and is a switch. He (slave/Hubby) is also a switch and a very skilled and capable Top, as well as being bi.

Is a Poly family easy to build and maintain...not at all. It took us almost almost two years to get us to the point that we now all share the family under one roof. We are very comfortable and well alinged. communication and respect for each other has been the most successful key to our relationship. I think that once the family can all share the same space as a family, use the dynamics that have been built, then you can become a succesful family as well. Are we looking...Yes. We feel as a family that if we can bring in another female. we will grow stronger as a family. What we lack is total comfort in terms of having partners in our beds at any given time. being able to go and play at different functions with out one of us having to wait for another. Co Topping works well in many aspects, but in the end, one of us usually is waiting for an opportunity to play.

Now here is the hard part of being a Poly-Triad. WE have been searching and trying to find another individual to join our family. It has failed in all cases, at the same time we have made some wonderful friends. The main problem consists mainly of jealousy and love.While the prospective submissive have been capable of loving all of us, the jealousy of seeing other play, or feeling that they cannot share is a significant problem. It usually comes down to where they fall deeper in love with me and do not want to share that with the others. We make it clear that we have no intentions of marriage, we offer only our hearts and souls, wanting another individual that wants us as much, and yes, us, means the three of us.

(in reply to xoxi)

Post #: 20

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