SusanofO
Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
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rubyleu: I had an affair after 10 years in a sexless marriage with a man who became more or less asexual after 4 years of being married. I did tell my husband I was planning on having an affair 10 years into our marriage, and he appeared not to care, so I went ahead with it. I did not inform him of details, or exactly when it started, or stopped.
When we married, at first we had what we both seemed relatively happy with the sexual part of our relationship, and I didn't really know that my partner actually could take it or leave it, as he'd seemed fairy enthisiastic about that to me before we married. However, after about 4 years, it became clear he didn't really care if we had any sexual relationship at all. For many years, and at the end of our life together, we did share some common interests, and a genuine affection for eachother. We never absolutely hated eachother - although a lot of resentment built over this issue (and one other major one).
We didn't divorce due to what we both viewed as heavy opposition to that notion from our very Catholic respective families. He initially agreed to try marriage counselling, which he quit after 2 months, claiming that since I was the person with the problem, I was the one who needed counselling. I tried sexy lingerie, and reading books about how to make a sexual relationship better, and buying him gifts, and talking about it, crying about it, and even screaming about it. At one point, I left for a few weeks. He begged me to come back, claiming he couldn't live without me, and I did.
After several years of hearing "not tonight" I got tired of attempting to jump his bones for the very un-occasional "reward". I begged him to try Viagra, which he did, but stopped using it after 2 months, claiming it gave him migraine headaches. He would not try an alternative to Viagra (Cialis, Levitra) claiming the same thing was likely to occur. I concluded he was probably asexual.
I tried to kill myself one night, by taking half a bottle of anti-depressant medication, because I'd let it be known I wanted to seek a divorce, and had been shouted down and ostracized at famuly events, by my husband and from his and my own immediate family, for even contemplating the notion. It just seemed there was no way out, and the situation had become emotionally unbearable for me.
After that attempt to end my life, I decided that my life was worth more to me than to think of ending it due to the situation I was in. I began an affiar with a man in a social group to which I belong (non-bdsm related) whom I'd known for several years. He was single, great-looking, close to my age, and had been making subtle passes at me for months. I finally "gave in" and also found out he had an interest and a basic knowledge about bdsm. For the first time in over 10 years, I felt truly alive.
Although I ended the affair after a little over a year, and my husband is now gone,
I do not regret having that affair. In fact, I think it may have saved my sanity. It alllowed me to regain a sense of desireability, affirmation as a person, and an introduction to the practice of bdsm, which is an inclination I felt for years, and which now finally had a name to me, and which I was given an opportunity to gain a better understanding about.
- Susan
< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/13/2007 3:16:57 AM >
_____________________________
"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson
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RE: being married... - 
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