ishyB
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Joined: 9/2/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: charlotteS
I have been following this conversation and when I read the words above I just had to chime in because I can soooo relate. I have been collared for almost 2 years now and I still slip into old habits and ideas of how I was taught relationships "should" be. It is so frustrating because most of those ideas are not how I actually want my relationships to be. I also have a huge need to be kept in my place and while I might cry some nights that he is with another woman I would simply hate it if I knew he was denying that aspect of himself in order to keep me happy. I think I cry because I get caught up in feeling that I was supposed to be the one sleeping with him, that I some how had the right. When I can remember that this was his will I usually get all warm and fuzzy. It's just frustrating that I still have not completely reached that acceptance.
Greetings charlotte,
sometimes it's really hard to break away from the things we are taught growing up that we are supposed to want or feel.
I was a troubled teen. I frequently ran away from home, sometimes for weeks at a time and I basically partied all the time.
At a way to young age, I started hanging out in clubs and bars till the wee hours of the morning.
I was a slut, and the reason I had such an easy time running and staying away from home was because I never had trouble picking up men that could hook me up for a couple of days with whatever I thought I needed.
I had a blast most of the times, but there also frequently were occasions were I landed myself in situations that were potentially dangerous or very destructive.
I was raped several times; never in a context were I fought kicking and screaming to get out, but in situations were I ended up with a man, or men at some place, with no desire to have sex with them, but ended up giving in anyways because I knew that if I refused I would simple get my ass kicked until I quit refusing and then be fucked anyways. I always knew what the outcome would be, so I always considered it more productive to skip the getting my ass kicked part.
Even though, that at the moment it was happening, I often was totally disgusted by what I had been made to do, I never really made much off it. I knew that I had put myself at risked, that I had provoked them, that stuff like that happens to girls like me.
In a way, I always considered the men to have the right to do things like that to me because of the way I had behaved.
So the next day, I just went on again and partied and forgot all about the previous night.
Until, when I was 16, this social worked that was trying to help my parents to get me back on track found out about what had been going on. She was horrified, and concluded that I must be severely traumatised.
She send me into therapy.
Everything started to go down hill from there.
I slide into a huge depression and started hating myself.
I felt disgusted about what I had done and lost all my self respect.
The therapy didn't work, in fact, the more I talked, the worse I got until I ended up borderline suicidal.
Eventually, a year into the therapy I ran into an old girlfriend that I used to go out and party with. We had a long talk and some things she said finally made a click in my head and put things into perspective...
I wasn't traumatised at all like the social worked had claimed I was.
Apart from running away from home (which happened before the rape and had totally other reasons) I was perfectly fine before she told me that I must be traumatised.
Sure I had been running off and doing things I wasn't supposed to, but I myself never had suffered emotionally under that. I had fun, I had no trouble with my self esteem, I wasn't self destructive UNTIL she found out about it and convinced me that I SHOULD be because of what had happened to me.
My year in therapy getting worse was not because (like my therapist claimed) I was just starting to face the bad feelings I had been suppressing all along. Instead it was because I felt GUILTY to society because I DIDN'T feel traumatised like I should be.
Surely if I wasn't traumatised there was something wrong with me, I was abnormal... and I ended up desperately trying to fix my 'abnormality' by MAKING myself be traumatised...
That conversation with my friend shook me away and put the whole thing in perspective.
I vowed that day to never again feel guilty about being a slut, and never again let anybody talk me into thinking that being used by men should leave me feeling bad.
I walked away from therapy the next week, and in a matter of weeks, I had my life back on track and my old self esteem back.
Society teaches us that humans 'should' feel a certain way about certain things because... that's what everybody else is feeling right?
It's a blessing when we are finally able to let go of that, and instead of feeling what we should feel, finally feel for the first time what we do feel.
I wish you good luck on letting go, I'm sure you'll make it.
ishy
_____________________________
I want you to know that it doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
and I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I wanted to move on
So I'm already gone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PoJFn_RIdkg
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RE: slaves thread: support and girlie time - 
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