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Role Desires Inquiry/Discussion - 5/16/2010 2:36:32 AM

Difahrint

Posts: 3
Joined: 5/15/2010
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I have a curious thought...if the desires of the dom and the sub conflict each other. Where do they draw the line in their relationship? Let's say the Dom's desires is to toy, dominate and tease the Sub. However, the Sub's desires is to be loved and taken care for like a prized possession rather than an objectified possession. Do the desires of the two have to reflect upon one of another to have a successful relationship? Or do the personalities of the two have to resonate with each other? Or maybe it's a mix of all these things and more intangible factors? Someone educate me, I'm new to this community and I'd like to be enlightened further.

Post #: 1

RE: Role Desires Inquiry/Discussion - 5/16/2010 3:23:46 AM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
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Well I've often said that what works for regular relationships works for D/s relationships.

In this case, what is applicable is compatibility. The more compatible the individuals are, the better chances the dynamic has to work. The less compatible they are, the more people aren't getting their needs met and the more likely it won't work out. To avoid headache and heartache, I recommend compatibility should be analysed as early as possible.

Bottom line is, in the end, anyone can walk away from this as no one is ever really enslaved.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to Difahrint)

Post #: 2

RE: Role Desires Inquiry/Discussion - 5/16/2010 3:27:42 AM

Focus50

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From: Newcastle, Australia
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You're mostly talking about mutual compatability - of complementing needs and desires etc - of couple chemistry. You really need educating of something that drives virtually all relationships, not just the ones with whips and ropes...?

Focus.

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RE: Role Desires Inquiry/Discussion - 5/16/2010 3:47:03 AM

jbcurious

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If their basic desires conflict with each other, why would they be in a relationship?

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'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

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Post #: 4

RE: Role Desires Inquiry/Discussion - 5/16/2010 4:38:06 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
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Agreed. If we don't want the same things then we can't both be happy. And if we both don't have our needs, wants, desires etc fulfilled then the relationship will be unhappy.

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(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 5

RE: Role Desires Inquiry/Discussion - 5/16/2010 4:59:19 AM

Pyramus

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Joined: 5/14/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

If their basic desires conflict with each other, why would they be in a relationship?

They may have kids to take care of together.

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 6

RE: Role Desires Inquiry/Discussion - 5/16/2010 5:48:15 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
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Incompatability in any relationship sucks. There are always things you can compromise on, but the example you gave would be a deal breaker for many.

the.dark.

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RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: Role Desires Inquiry/Discussion - 5/16/2010 5:49:42 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Pyramus

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

If their basic desires conflict with each other, why would they be in a relationship?

They may have kids to take care of together.

And?
People who stay together for the sake of children do more harm than good the majority of the time.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Pyramus)

Post #: 8

RE: Role Desires Inquiry/Discussion - 5/16/2010 7:22:50 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Difahrint
I have a curious thought...if the desires of the dom and the sub conflict each other. Where do they draw the line in their relationship? Let's say the Dom's desires is to toy, dominate and tease the Sub. However, the Sub's desires is to be loved and taken care for like a prized possession rather than an objectified possession. Do the desires of the two have to reflect upon one of another to have a successful relationship? Or do the personalities of the two have to resonate with each other? Or maybe it's a mix of all these things and more intangible factors? Someone educate me, I'm new to this community and I'd like to be enlightened further.

In my world, such a thing is not possible. I only form deeply intimate relationships. I don't "play". As such, her needs and desires become mine and vice versa. Knight said it in a different post quite eloquently. We start out as blue and yellow. But those two colors merge into a shared green and it is the green color that both of us are focused on.

Specifically within our marriage. Carol never wanted to be a slave. She originally proposed being my "sub" which really meant sexual submissive or bottom. I said I had no interest in a bottom, how about a slave instead. Now she not only is a slave, but she very much wants to be one... not so much because she gives a rat's ass about being a slave or even being obedient. She just wants to please me. For her, that is what drives all of this. If it pleased me to have an objectified possession, a bottom, a pain-slut, or any other thing you could name, then that is what she would become.

The same thing works in reverse with me. When I came to the conclusion that her being my slave was not good for her, I could no longer want it. The both of us are more driven by the desire to be as close to perfect as we can be for our partner than by any internal desire to please ourselves. We are both givers more than takers.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Difahrint)

Post #: 9

RE: Role Desires Inquiry/Discussion - 5/16/2010 9:11:22 AM

lucylucy

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Joined: 3/1/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Pyramus

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious
If their basic desires conflict with each other, why would they be in a relationship?

They may have kids to take care of together.

OK, but then they need to relate as parents, not necessarily as two people in an intimate relationship. If their life goals are so different, I don't see how they can be happy together. Simply loving each other isn't enough.

A parenting relationship can be extremely successful separate from an intimate relationship. My daughter's father and I are no longer together, but we parent very well together. We are each in separate intimate relationships now and are much happier as individuals and parents now than we were when we were married to each other.

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to Pyramus)

Post #: 10

RE: Role Desires Inquiry/Discussion - 5/16/2010 10:11:04 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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If you're trying to ask if two people with completely different desires can have a successful relationship just because they happen to be kinky, My answer would be no. That's called incompatibility and it works in power dynamics just the same as it does in any other type of relationship.

That really doesn't have anything to do with being 'new to the community'. That's kind of a common sense issue.

_____________________________

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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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(in reply to lucylucy)

Post #: 11

RE: Role Desires Inquiry/Discussion - 5/16/2010 10:21:13 AM

startoverslave

Posts: 14
Joined: 12/15/2009
Status: offline

Kids know all :) Another thought is you have to take care of you before you have the ability to care for anything else including children.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 12

RE: Role Desires Inquiry/Discussion - 5/16/2010 1:11:21 PM

lucylucy

Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
If you're trying to ask if two people with completely different desires can have a successful relationship just because they happen to be kinky, My answer would be no. That's called incompatibility and it works in power dynamics just the same as it does in any other type of relationship.

This succinctly captures what I was thinking, too. Just because two people like the same things in bed (or wherever they do their flogging or whatever) doesn't mean they have what it takes to make a healthy relationship. That would be like two vanilla people thinking that because they share the same hobbies (hiking, reading, cooking, etc.), they have a good basis for a relationship.

Actually, I think a lot of people do make the mistake of thinking that because they share hobbies with someone, they should be a couple. Unfortunately, it's not common sense that shared interests aren't enough to make a relationship.

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 13

RE: Role Desires Inquiry/Discussion - 5/16/2010 1:16:26 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
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Yeah...think of it like all relationships. If all you have in common is one small thing, it's not likely any relationship will succeed. I do want to point one thing out to you though, a Dom can toy with, dominate and tease the sub and also love and take care of her like a prized posession. They can also both objectify and cherish them.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Difahrint)

Post #: 14

RE: Role Desires Inquiry/Discussion - 5/17/2010 8:41:13 AM

graceadieu

Posts: 1518
Joined: 3/20/2008
From: Maryland
Status: offline

Like others have said.... compatibility is key in any relationship. Now, I think if the mismatch in the kink area isn't that big, and the compatibility in terms of other things (common interests, similar life goals, general chemistry and comfort which each other, etc) is strong, you might be able compromise and work things out. But if you have totally different ideas about what you want from D/s, I don't know that you could have a satisfying relationship - just like if you're a vanilla couple and you're really compatible outside the bedroom but don't have sexual chemistry, you're not going to have a satisfying relationship together.

(in reply to Difahrint)

Post #: 15

RE: Role Desires Inquiry/Discussion - 5/17/2010 8:51:26 AM

VampiresLair

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Joined: 9/3/2008
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Let's say the Dom's desires is to toy, dominate and tease the Sub. However, the Sub's desires is to be loved and taken care for like a prized possession rather than an objectified possession.

These two are not mutually exclusive. Just because someone toyes with and teases a sub doesnt mean they are objectifying them. I tease and toy with Fox all the time, and he is my prized possession and never questions it even if during a scene I tell him otherwise.

Compatibility is necessary. If the dominant wants someone who is objectified and the submissive does not want to be objectified then why are they even considering being together? If the very core that the relationship will be based on is not something you can agree on then you have nothing to base your relationship on. This is something that should be discussed in the very beginning and then the parties decide if one is willing to do it the other ones way or to part ways. There really isnt a way to compromise on a relationship standard like that. Objectification in scene and as a regular part of daily life is very different.

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Post #: 16

RE: Role Desires Inquiry/Discussion - 5/17/2010 9:03:32 AM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

fast reply: but im going to guess this is repeating what everyone else has said.

in the process of getting to know a person, (work out if youre a match), this polarity would or at least should tell you that its unlikely to work or end well.

if youre looking for an emotionally satisfying relationship then you need to find someone who is looking for that too and avoid the ones who are patently not looking for any sort of emotional entanglement.

ive read a few Dominant profiles that state categorically that they are not looking for love, they have no use for emotional relationships and all they want is an obedient slave. so fine - just dont go there if you know you need the emotional connection too.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to VampiresLair)

Post #: 17

RE: Role Desires Inquiry/Discussion - 5/17/2010 1:49:38 PM

mummyman321

Posts: 2102
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Dusseldorf
Status: offline

As the saying goes "It takes two to tango". Both people must get something out of a relationship to work. If one person's needs are not getting met the relationship will die. This applies to vanilla and BDSM relationships alike. The hard part is finding that partner who has your same interests :)

_____________________________

Life - Its not about where you are but about the journey to get there - I prefer to choose the road less traveled

(in reply to Difahrint)

Post #: 18

RE: Role Desires Inquiry/Discussion - 5/19/2010 9:13:21 AM

maybemaybenot

Posts: 2817
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline

You say you are new to all this, so let me try and make this simple for you.

Let's say you are a vanilla guy looking for a partner leading to a commited relationship or marriage. You are looking for a career girl who doesn't want children. You aren't going to date a girl who is looking to be a stay at home Mom type type, right ?
It's no different here. I'm a career woman. I wouldn't look for a dominant that wants a stay at home submissive. I don't like pain, I'm not going to entertain a dominant who is looking for a pain slut. We wouldn't mix, as a couple. Could we be friends, hang out, go to parties together ? Sure we could. I have plenty of friends who that is their thing, we just wouldn't be compatable as a couple.

I find the best advice is to look for some one just like you would in the vanilla world. Some of the crtieria might be different, but the core compatabily issues remain the same.

mbmbn

_____________________________

Tolerance of evil is suicide.- NYC Firefighter

When tolerance is not reciprocated, tolerance becomes surrender.

(in reply to mummyman321)

Post #: 19

RE: Role Desires Inquiry/Discussion - 5/19/2010 3:10:09 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pyramus

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

If their basic desires conflict with each other, why would they be in a relationship?

They may have kids to take care of together.

Agreed but they wouldn't be able to agree on a power relationship in that case. Many marriages come to a point where the partners are committed to raising the children. And that's admirable if there isn't great anger there.

But if all you have left to join you as a couple are your children then you wouldn't have enough to allow a d/s relationship to thrive.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Pyramus)

Post #: 20

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