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preferences - 5/9/2007 3:22:19 PM

slaveaurora

Posts: 157
Joined: 6/30/2006
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I have been thinking about this for a few days, and am hoping that I can make sense with this post.     (my mind is in a whirl)

There was a recent thread about preferences, and it got me thinking..

Lets say you met someone that was perfect for you in every way, but they didn't quite fit your preferences physically.   You were not physically/sexually attracted to them.    Would you keep them anyway?     And could you still have sex with them even though they were not physically attractive to you?

Would you feel that you would rather be with them and have no sex, than to be without them and have sex?

I kind of find myself in this situation, and am working toward some sort of understanding.

a~

Post #: 1

RE: preferences - 5/9/2007 3:26:22 PM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
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i believe, because it's happened to me, that the more you get to know someone, and the more you get to genuinely like them, the better they look to you, thus, making them desireable enough to where this kind of problem doesn't come up.

(in reply to slaveaurora)

Post #: 2

RE: preferences - 5/9/2007 3:27:40 PM

GeekyGirl

Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
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I think I can honestly say that I have never met a person who was "perfect in every way" that I didn't also find attractive. Something about their "perfectness" MAKES them attractive to me...regardless of whether they are fat, skinny, bald, have less than perfect teeth, etc.

I have met some men who I thought were rather ... PLAIN.... looking. And I found that every time I went out with them, they become more and more attractive as their stunning personalities shown through.

I found my ex husband to be almost homely when I met him.....and now, 8yrs later, I still think he's the best looking guy I've ever gone out with. Sometimes your perception just adjusts.

Think about it this way.What if you turn down someone based on their looks and you NEVER again find someone that perfect for you? When you are 80yrs old and wrinkled and covered in loose skin and liver spots, I'm going to bet you wish you had an equally ugly ole man sitting by you in the rocking chair.

< Message edited by GeekyGirl -- 5/9/2007 3:29:07 PM >

_____________________________

"It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms you have complete power over me. So be gentle if you please, 'cause your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth and it makes me want to make you near me always."

(in reply to slaveaurora)

Post #: 3

RE: preferences - 5/9/2007 3:36:26 PM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
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i would say take it a day at a time. Spend time together and see how it goes. Be honest and take things slow. Perhaps after getting to know them better other qualities will overide the physical and your sexual attraction will spring from an whole other dynamic. You might be surprised at what can happen

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to GeekyGirl)

Post #: 4

RE: preferences - 5/9/2007 3:43:13 PM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
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That's really good advice. Just take it slow and concentrate on getting to know each other. I've found that other things often just fall into place.

(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 5

RE: preferences - 5/9/2007 3:54:11 PM

bowandserve

Posts: 30
Joined: 3/2/2007
Status: offline

Tough question. I have to have animal attraction or it won't work in the long run. There was one guy (back in vanillaland) that I knew for awhile, kind of quirky funny guy, turns out under those grungy clothes he had a very nice body. We always had great sex. Looking at him just hanging out, didn't do it for me, but I knew it would be a great time and appreciated all of him.

Same thing in the reverse - a nice face and cock isn't much good if it's attached to a dick

_____________________________

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NO, there's no profile over there, but it's here. If you think about it for a sec, it wouldn't be that hard to contact me...

(in reply to bandit25)

Post #: 6

RE: preferences - 5/9/2007 3:55:06 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveaurora

Lets say you met someone that was perfect for you in every way, but they didn't quite fit your preferences physically.

Then they're not perfect in every way.

I doubt I could have sex with someone I wasn't at least a LITTLE attracted to. I'd have to be REALLY horny or convinced (and have it proven) that they are the world's best lover...at least for me.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to slaveaurora)

Post #: 7

RE: preferences - 5/9/2007 4:13:54 PM

slaveaurora

Posts: 157
Joined: 6/30/2006
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I guess that I should add that Master and I have been together real time for 7 yrs.    He doesn't find me sexually attractive, and told me he would rather be with me and not have sex, than to be without me and have sex.

So, I guess I am wondering in my own mind, if we have been reduced to nothing more than a friendship.

I know no one can answer this for me, I am just trying to seek some understanding, to sort it out in my own mind.      Do I lose the weight and try to be more appealing to him, or do I move on?
I know, that is a decision I have to make myself.

a~

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 8

RE: preferences - 5/9/2007 4:23:21 PM

GeekyGirl

Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline

If he's going to act that way, tell him to find some skinny bitch while you go find someone who deserves you. To completely stop having sex with your partner of 7yrs because they've gained weight is just WRONG in my opinion (yes, flame away.)

After 7yrs, he should love you enough not to care after this long. What's he going to do when you're old and wrinkled? What happened to "for better or worse?"

If you lose the weight, do it for YOU not for him. I would NEVER stop being sexually attracted to a man I loved just because he had gained some weight, and I don't care if he's 400lbs. My sexual attraction, especially in a long term relationship, is based on my LOVE of that person, not the frail physical shell that our soul lives in. Looks may attract a person initially but you don't drop your sexual relationship with a long term partner because they gain weight/have a boob removed/acquire a scar/go bald/lose their teeth/get wrinkled etc. Part of growing together is changing together and loving each other because of, or inspite of, those changes. He sounds like a pretty shallow guy to me!

If he's looking for someone who's going to be beautiful forever, he's going to have to be rich enough to attract young girls in his old age. Otherwise, he's going to be a very lonely old man one day. None of us maintain our physical appearance forever.

ETA: Has he changed any in 7yrs? Lost a hair? Gained a grey hair? Got a wrinkle? Perhaps you should tell him that it's ok that he doesn't want sex because you're not attracted to him since he's aged a bit.

Oh yeah, and I seriously don't believe he's just "doing without" sex. Men don't do that kind of thing very often. If he isn't getting it at home, he's getting it somewhere. You can lay money on that.

< Message edited by GeekyGirl -- 5/9/2007 4:26:46 PM >

_____________________________

"It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms you have complete power over me. So be gentle if you please, 'cause your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth and it makes me want to make you near me always."

(in reply to slaveaurora)

Post #: 9

RE: preferences - 5/9/2007 4:28:24 PM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

I'll give you my take on it all & it just might be an eye opener.

I had always been involved with strictly heterosexual relationships. Regardless to vanilla or D/s... regardless of their being very macho manly men or flamboyant crossdressers... my relationships were always with men with very male ways of expressing themselves sexually with their partner.

Then I met my current partner who is transsexual who has transitioned to living her life full time as a woman. We had a very solid friendship for many months but eventually I recognized that she very much wanted more. We had a very VERY long talk. During the discussion the fact was raised that she obviously would not be able to fulfill my sexual needs like a fully functional man could.

I had to make a decision as to what was most important to me... to have a partner that completely fulfilled me in ways that no partner had ever came remotely close to or a cock?

We've been together for nearly 4 yrs now & I couldn't be happier.

I still don't identify as a lesbian. I don't look at other women & find sexual attraction yet my partner is very much a woman. The love I have for her has always been about who she is, not the shell... she is everything I could ever truly want in a life partner.

So like me... you will just have to make a decision as to what really is most important to you in the grand scheme of it all. Someone who satisfies your shallow desires or someone who fulfills the depth of your being.

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to slaveaurora)

Post #: 10

RE: preferences - 5/9/2007 4:32:16 PM

GeekyGirl

Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
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What a great story MstrssPassion! And a very good point. If you love someone enough to accept them even being the "wrong" gender, then that it's what it's all about. I think we worry too much about the shell our souls live in and not enough about the stuff on the inside.

_____________________________

"It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms you have complete power over me. So be gentle if you please, 'cause your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth and it makes me want to make you near me always."

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

Post #: 11

RE: preferences - 5/9/2007 4:40:13 PM

swtnsparkling

Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
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maybe he is getting the sex some where else and wants to keep you around for everythng else- just a thought

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A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

(in reply to slaveaurora)

Post #: 12

RE: preferences - 5/9/2007 5:33:47 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

After reading the thread, My first question is.... Was the physical attraction there seven years ago when you first met?

If it was, I can't help but to think that something drastic has changed, either in appearance or in perception (your Master's). A signifigant enough change in one, or both, would explain a lot.

If it wasn't, and the attraction was never there, I would tend to agree. It's a friendship situation, and at least for one of you, it really always has been. If the spark was never there, it might not be possible to create it.

Not sure if you wanted to hear either of those. I'm sure I'm missing big pieces to the puzzle.

(in reply to swtnsparkling)

Post #: 13

RE: preferences - 5/9/2007 11:25:50 PM

adoracat

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

i can answer the question from both sides.....my husband and i have been married nearly 15 years and our sex life is nothing. he's still affectionate, but....nothing.

when i met Sir, he wasnt close to what i was looking for. older than my upper limit, there were some other issues i had with his physical appearance (he looked a little like my bio dad) and i said no. repeatedly. and he offered friendship no matter what i ended up deciding. friendship is good. so i kept speaking with him....and as i told him "you kept gently pursuing me till i turned round and really looked at you, and found what i needed, not just what i thought i wanted."

kitten, who is truly content with Sir.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 14

RE: preferences - 5/10/2007 12:59:34 AM

BossyShoeBitch

Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveaurora

Lets say you met someone that was perfect for you in every way, but they didn't quite fit your preferences physically. You were not physically/sexually attracted to them. Would you keep them anyway?

No.

quote:

And could you still have sex with them even though they were not physically attractive to you?

No.   Well, maybe once or twice to test it out . But if there was still no physical attraction, having sex with them would just make me miserable during it and I would start to cry and push them off of me (been there).

But you failed to ask about genuine interpersonal chemistry or pheromones.. Outward appearance has little or no bearing on this.  Haven't you ever been with someone who is SO NOT your type, but the attraction is undeniable?Pheromones and/or physical attractiveness only get the proverbial foot in the door though; from there, the course of the relationship is controlled by many other factors, both conscious and sub-conscious.
If a man is gorgeous, but he has an awful or ugly personality, he gets un-gorgeous very quickly.  Conversely, if a man is not so good looking, but has "it", let's call it charisma sprinkled in with just the right amount of genuine charm and (name some other positive character traits here) sub-consciously he gets moved right up that scale very quickly. I guess what I am trying to say is what we have all heard our whole lives "it's what's on the inside that counts." For me anyway.

quote:

Would you feel that you would rather be with them and have no sex, than to be without them and have sex?

Yes. It's called having a very good friend. A friend who I call and tell about my latest conquest. Anything else would be shortchanging both of us and cheating both of us out of any possibility for true romantic happiness in the future.

quote:

I kind of find myself in this situation, and am working toward some sort of understanding.

Get out of that situation. Time is only going to keep marching forward anyway. Can you continue to live like this? Right now you look back and see all the time that has passed. You can't change anything about the past 7 years. You look forward and see all the time to come. This is the time that you can do something about. You have the free will to effect a change in your life and get yourself out of a situation that can only ultimately cause you and your Master heartache. You deserve someone that wants you. Not someone whom you pine for. Don't settle. Don't ever settle.
Good luck..

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to slaveaurora)

Post #: 15

RE: preferences - 5/10/2007 10:30:09 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

Lets say you met someone that was perfect for you in every way, but they didn't quite fit your preferences physically. You were not physically/sexually attracted to themWould you keep them anyway? And could you still have sex with them even though they were not physically attractive to you?

I would not be with them in the first place if I was not physically attracted to them. I have been with someone that was well suited to me in every way but that one...and that one flaw was the fatal flaw for us. I was not hot for him. I can have fond and affectionate sex with someone that does not make me hot, but I would not try to build a relationship around that again.

quote:

Would you feel that you would rather be with them and have no sex, than to be without them and have sex?

I would rather be friends with them and get the sex elsewhere. I want sex with someone I am hot for, and I can only be hot for someone that I have a connection with. So while good sex is not a cheap commodity, I will hold out for someone that turns me on,

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to slaveaurora)

Post #: 16

RE: preferences - 5/10/2007 10:51:47 AM

AmazonLady

Posts: 29
Joined: 3/25/2007
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Could I be with someone I was not sexually attracted to, but I did find mentally attractive, we 'gelled' so to speak in every other way.

Yes, you learn to appriciate everything about them

Stop having sex completly?

No fricken way - I don't understand how someone could 'want to be with you' but not 'want to have sex.' For me that is not a relationship.. and certinally not one that I would consider D/s. Not to say that sex has to be a part of every relationship, if He makes you happy, though you know He won't touch you because He is not attractive, who am I to say that should or should not make you satisfied in what you have with him.

Just for me --.. I would feel dis-valued.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 17

RE: preferences - 5/10/2007 10:52:55 AM

Viridana

Posts: 754
Status: offline

I've been in a relationship with a guy whom I fitted very well with. I loved him deeply and he was my best friend. But his physical appearance to me was borderline gross. I didn't want to have sex with him and when I did I found myself closing my eyes and fantasizing it was somebody else. No matter how much I cared for that guy and how good of a match we were platonically, the sex was a scenario I wasn'nt and still isn't ready to experience for the long haul. So I broke up with him.

In afterthought, I would have wanted him to break up with me too if he had found me physically unappealing. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I want to be that person's special one, I want him to both want me physically as well as mentally. I'd feel lacking if either was missing and all the "zing" would be gone. Life is too short to settle for second best. And in all honesty I think it's better to be single than with someone who isn't the entire package.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 18

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