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feel like i am drowning - 5/8/2005 10:22:18 PM   
jerseygirlie


Posts: 20
Joined: 5/8/2005
Status: offline 		i need to know if any other sub/slave has felt like they were drowning in there relatonship? i have been mostly 24/7 with my Dom for almost a year and W/we are currently planning a wedding and for Him to move to be with me full time. it just seems now, either i am really scared, or something else. i have been wanting to end it with Him, i actually went as far as to come back here, someplace i have not been in a long time. i try to talk to Him about how i feel, but the truth of the matter is, i do not know HOW i feel. i am confused. i keep having these feelings like, i am missing something. had anyone ever felt that? i love Him, but darn, its like i am thinking in the back of my mind, maybe i am missing my true One. how do i truly know if He is the 'One'? He has treated me better than any man ever has and maybe thats the issue, i am not used to being treated good. He tries not to be to hard on me because of my past experiences with so called Doms, and now when i requested that He be more strict with me, He is having a very difficult time with it, yet will say He is tired of me topping from the bottom. come on, if i know i can get away with something, i will try. maybe its me, maybe i am not a true sub? i just do not know what to think right now, i am very sad and very confused, i would really appreciate some feed back, thanks alot!

ps..........how come under my name it says vanilla? i am far from a vanilla,lol, how do you change it?

< Message edited by jerseygirlie -- 5/8/2005 10:24:48 PM >
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RE: feel like i am drowning - 5/9/2005 5:17:27 AM   
Kindred2Evil


Posts: 227
Joined: 4/16/2005
Status: offline 		I'm not a submissive or a slave, but I know how you feel. I'm currently married to my 3rd, yes my 3rd husband. With the first two I had the same feelings, the vague dissatisfaction, the "I wonder if there's someone else out there" feelings. Listen to your heart. It sounds to me as if it's screaming for your attention. No one can be all that you want from the get go, it takes work on both sides to make any relationship work. Ask yourself this, can you see the two of you growing old together? Can you see a lifetime of sitting at his feet? Is that what you want out of your marriage? No one says that it has to be only the two of you, perhaps you should take some time to "play" with others. I'm married to another Dominant, so we play with others all the time. Marriage is compromise. But you need to sit down with him and explain what's going on with you, it wouldn't be fair to him otherwise. If you're having doubts, maybe he is too. Don't start your marriage off on the wrong foot, get all this out in the open.

It says vanilla because it's your first post, the more you post, the kinkier you get

_____________________________

Her touch is on the breeze that brushes your cheek, Her voice rides the thunder as the storm breaks, Her tears will clean your heartache when the rains come, Her sun will light the darkest times when you feel alone...She is the Goddess.

(in reply to jerseygirlie)
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RE: feel like i am drowning - 5/9/2005 6:37:24 AM   
BobcatsLilMinx


Posts: 201
Joined: 4/8/2005
From: UK
Status: offline 		Drowning is a very good way to put it, I felt like this myself for a very long time. there's a line in a Sarah McLaughan song which I really identify with: "Feels just like I'm sinking, and I claw for solid ground". In my experience, it was a case of not getting my needs met by the people and relationships around me.

I think when you're that confused, the worse thing is sometimes that it all churns like mad in your head, and things become bigger and bigger until they threaten to swallow you whole... You may want to try talking with someone, ask a friend, or a stranger if it's easier, someone on here, if they'd mind if you just sat down and spoke to them about everything. Or if you tried sitting down and writing a letter to a friend, or in a journal, or anything... It doesn't have to make sense when it come sout, but sometimes getting it out (and especially written down) makes it easier for you to identify what the base of the problems are, and enable you to find practical ways to tackle them.

I definitely agree with Kindred2Evil, don't marry a man unless you know it's what you want to do for definite... It's not fair to either of you.

Take care of yourself,
Minx

(in reply to Kindred2Evil)
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RE: feel like i am drowning - 5/9/2005 7:17:25 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Agreed. It's a common feeling to get overwhelmed with big life changes. However, if you're feeling more anxious than excited, if you're more worried than sure, then you need to communicate that and stop plans. Work on who you are and what's RIGHT for you both. Then you can move ahead.


(in reply to BobcatsLilMinx)
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RE: feel like i am drowning - 5/9/2005 8:15:48 AM   
jerseygirlie


Posts: 20
Joined: 5/8/2005
Status: offline 		the hardest part also, is that right now W/we are so far away, about 700 miles. i feel so shallow and i am not liking myself right now, i tried to talk to Him about things, but i really cannot pinpoint what i am feeling, just miserable. in my heart, i do not want to leave Him, but it is amost inevitable that W/we will at some point break up. i told Him this morning that i need some time to think things over and i have calls out to a few close friends to try to work this out. my kids are involved also, so they will be hurt also, but i feel that i need to be true to myself, but i also feel very selfish right now. He meets all of my needs, so i do not know what the hell is wrong with me. where is Dr. Phil when you need him




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RE: feel like i am drowning - 5/9/2005 10:23:29 AM   
ruffnecksbabygir


Posts: 412
Joined: 1/4/2005
Status: offline 		Master and i just married two weeks ago, it is my second marriage and i was just as nervous, if not more nervous and anxious this time around. i think it's normal to have all those doubts, maybe you never really will know if he is indeed your "one" or if there even is such a thing as a "One". The difference between this marriage and my first is that i was much younger and had no clue who i was or what i wanted the first time around, and i married someone who was not compatible with me and it was the sort of thing where you just go with the flow...i fell into that marriage and it was doomed from the start...this time around, i know myself much better, i know what i want, i have found someone that truly makes me feel good and happy, so over all i am able to feel confident about the relationship and know that i would want to spend the rest of my life with this person....but even though i felt very sure about the decision to marry my Master right before the wedding i was scared, i would stay up for hours thinking about all the things that could go wrong, not just in the wedding but the marriage ... i would wonder if i was making the right decision...specially since we haven't known eachother for too long....but over all, it felt right...i didn't feel as if i was just "going with the flow", this was something i wanted, so my point is this, you need to sort this out for yourself....can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with this person? only you can answer that...don't rush into anything you are not ready for, but then again don't let your fears or anxiety get in the way of your happiness either.

~Best of Luck!~

_____________________________

~hugs~
Babygirl

:Disclaimer: The above is only this slave's opinion:

"And Those Who Danced Were Thought To Be Quite Insane By Those Who Could Not Hear The Music" -- Angela Monet

(in reply to jerseygirlie)
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RE: feel like i am drowning - 5/9/2005 12:15:25 PM   
darksparkle


Posts: 48
Joined: 1/22/2005
Status: offline 		Through out the years it has become apparent to me that when people are in doubt of their actions it is for good reason.

When one questions if something is right for them & doubt enters into their mind there are usually underlying reasons that warrant attention.

In our quest for true happiness it is all to easy to rationalize & ignore warning signals that may save us much heartache.

I cringe when I hear people say this about their significant other:
"He/She treats me better than any one else ever has, but..."

They then go on to say how certain characteristics of the significant other has created a rift in the foundation of the relationship. Eventually rationalizing that at least they are happier than before, thus glossing over important factors that may conflict with their over all path towards a life of contentment & harmony.

I begin to think, maybe once again, this person still has not chosen wisely.... They are settling for less than what truly will allow them to feel content.

Feelings of disharmony do not breed contentment...

Not every dominant is for every submissive, nor is every submissive for every dominant. Balance is the key..

While it is somewhat common to have the pre-marrige jitters, only you can truly answer the "why of it."

Marriage is a very important decision. Time given to sorting things out to make a wise decision is time well invested only if you are honest with yourself.


(in reply to jerseygirlie)
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RE: feel like i am drowning - 5/9/2005 12:47:06 PM   
Jacen


Posts: 30
Joined: 9/24/2004
Status: offline 		Just some random thoughts here, since I'm really not qualified to comment on marrige How did your first marrige end? If there are some unresolved issues from the past, even ones that you think are resolved that really may not be resolved, they will come back and bite you. I also highly reccomend talking to at least one of the following: friends, family, therapists (especially marrige councilors), priests, pets, yourself (like someone suggested above). The more you sort out your feelings, maybe even taking them one at a time, or with different people, the better youll understand whats going on and why.
Also, you really can't change other people, just yourself.

(in reply to darksparkle)
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RE: feel like i am drowning - 5/9/2005 3:17:46 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

i do not want to leave Him, but it is amost inevitable that W/we will at some point break up.


If you already know you are going to break up, why marry? I cannot even fathom marrying someone who I haven't known on a day to day basis. Seven hundred miles is quite the trek. Maybe you do need to take some time out and get to know one another a lot better.

Until this recent post I was going to suggest it is cold feet. Everyone gets some form or another. However your statement above speaks volumes.
Take some time out. Do some soul searching. Get to know him. Talk to him about your fear's. If it then feels ok to marry him then do it.
Remember marriage is supposed to be a lifelong committment, not a passing whim. Divorce is at an all time high in this country...don't add to the statistics.

(in reply to jerseygirlie)
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RE: feel like i am drowning - 5/9/2005 5:52:40 PM   
jerseygirlie


Posts: 20
Joined: 5/8/2005
Status: offline 		well, Jacen, this will be my first marriage, His second, i have taken time out. He is very concerned and really is clueless as to why i am taking time out, i had a long talk with a good friend and told her all i am feeling, i think a really big part of the problem is that He is in another state right now, 700 miles away. this is typical of me, i get scared and run, but this time instead of completely running i decided to take some time out. i guess when i said that it was enevitable that W/we would break up, it did not come out the way it sounded in my head. and i am not trying to justify or change what i said. if i do not take this time and think, it will happen, i am just too scared, this is my first r/t D/s relationship and i am terrified, not of Him, just of the unknown. i have lived with vanilla men before and they have ended horribly. i thought i resolved all of my past issues with men and breakups, but apparently i have not, so the counseling thing is not a bad idea. W/we have spoken of it before, that W/we would go together, i have other issues i deal with also. i am so used to abusive men, and He treats me like a princess, its weird for me. the inside me is screaming, STOP BEING NICE AND BEAT ME, yes i know that is wrong, but when you always expect it, it is hard not to. another thing perhaps i need to work on further in therapy. i appreciate all the feed back, sometimes i need to hear what i do not want to....

(in reply to sub4hire)
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RE: feel like i am drowning - 5/9/2005 8:21:40 PM   
Jacen


Posts: 30
Joined: 9/24/2004
Status: offline 		Oyy.. Well, remember that this is pretty much just armchair psychology at best, and I do highly reccomend a professional :) I think you need to talk with your dom, and let him know whats going on. And as for the counciling, you can start that right away. If there was abuse in your relationships before, then odds are very good it's effecting you still. It especially seems to be cropping up in the D/s dynamics. Remember, abuse does not equal love. Nor does his being non-abusive mean he dosent love you. You will probably still need counciling with him as well, but it really seems to me that the first, underlying issue is from your past.

(in reply to jerseygirlie)
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RE: feel like i am drowning - 5/9/2005 8:40:52 PM   
jerseygirlie


Posts: 20
Joined: 5/8/2005
Status: offline 		i agree with the counseling and i am going to make an appointment for ME in the morning, as for Him, well, W/we did not talk much today, just a brief email, but i know He is hurting. i have no doubt that He loves me, none at all, i am the one with all the doubts. He has even expressed fears of His own, something no other man had ever done with me. i have a bad case of the 'what if's'. i could go on for hours with that thought, another of my problems, thinking too much. He wants me to stop fighting and just let go, but i can't, or maybe i won't. i love Him to death and i want this to work, i just find myself nit picking and finding every little flaw. like i am looking for an out. it sucks being scared. thanks for the input and i will keep you posted as to the counseling.

(in reply to Jacen)
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RE: feel like i am drowning - 5/9/2005 8:47:18 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Explain to him your fear's. Tell him you want to go to counseling to help yourself to be better for him.
After reading all you have said. I agree I'd put things on hold until you can work with yourself a bit more. It would'nt be fair to him either.
Just be honest.
Sometimes it takes someone to listen..maybe you don't always like what you hear in return. Yet some life changing revelations could be lurking you never would have picked up on yourself.
Not trying to speak in riddles. Even though I feel I am. I wish you the best of luck no matter what you decide.

(in reply to jerseygirlie)
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RE: feel like i am drowning - 5/9/2005 8:54:09 PM   
jerseygirlie


Posts: 20
Joined: 5/8/2005
Status: offline 		thank you Gloria, hugs

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RE: feel like i am drowning - 5/9/2005 11:21:14 PM   
Jacen


Posts: 30
Joined: 9/24/2004
Status: offline 		Laughs* hey, what, no hugs for the kiddo? My guess, based on absolutely nothing at all, is that you are worried that this relationship will end up like the others, and your fear is causing you to want out before it all crashes and burns. But counseling is good, and I definitely think it’s needed before you make a big commitment. So just go with it and see how it flows from there :)

(and look, I actually spell checked my post this time)

(in reply to jerseygirlie)
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RE: feel like i am drowning - 5/10/2005 6:14:44 AM   
jerseygirlie


Posts: 20
Joined: 5/8/2005
Status: offline 		Bravo on the spell checking, lol, and a big HUGGGGGGGGGG to you, hmmm, crash and burn, i like that, and it fits. my sister knows i do this all the time, i get scared and i run, this is not the first time i have done this, and actually, i have stuck this out longer than others, so there must be something here that is keeping me. maybe i am getting tired of running, know i KNOW i am tired of running, tired of being scared. but yes, the counseling is paramount in this, i guess it is time to stand up and face my fears, be a woman about it. sorry about the lack of hugs, lol, heres another big HUG

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RE: feel like i am drowning - 5/11/2005 9:57:38 AM   
Leonardo


Posts: 113
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline 		Marriage is a big event in one's life... and it can be overwhelming. To suddenly begin thinking of having thousands of breakfasts together over the rest of your lives can be scary when such a thought has not been entertained before.

If the two of you really love each other and have much more going for you than just sex, ropes, paddles, etc., then you have developed a good foundation for a long-lasting marriage, BUT

If you cannot talk with him about your inner feelings, then there is a problem right there, and I agree, that then it may be important to postpone the wedding until you can reach that point where you can both talk about things.

One thing I would strongly recommend is that both go together and seek some non-denominational pastoral pre-marital counseling. There are plenty of Us around throughout the USA and abroad. The reason why I suggest non-denominational, is that this way you don't waste alot of time with the 'counselor' preaching to you, and ya'll spend more time with the counselor LISTENING.

Leonardo

(in reply to jerseygirlie)
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RE: feel like i am drowning - 5/11/2005 12:41:57 PM   
jerseygirlie


Posts: 20
Joined: 5/8/2005
Status: offline 		well, W/we have done alot of talking in the past few days, and i finally got the guts to tell Him how i was feeling. yes He was hurt, but He is not walking away and W/we are going to work on things. its going to take time and for now, no wedding. i realized also in the whole thing, that i need to look at myself alittle closer. i have things that i need to work on also, major things. the email i got from Him early this morning was shocking to me, but also a wake up call. He said that the 'asshole' on Him wanted to tell me to fuck off and get out of His life, but that was the hurt talking. He is willing to work on things and allow me to take my time. i am glad i finally decided to open up, thanks to A/all for the encouragement and kind words to get me through this. though it is far from perfect now, but it is a start. hugs to A/all, especially You m'Lord Jacen ;)




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RE: feel like i am drowning - 5/11/2005 1:04:12 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I hope everything works out for the two of you. You're off to a good start though.

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RE: feel like i am drowning - 5/14/2005 5:28:24 AM   
Jennsen


Posts: 39
Joined: 3/5/2005
Status: offline 		I was married for 7 years(the itch year). My husband loved me more than life its self, and would have given me the world if he could. He jumped when I needed help with anything, and he was never ill with me( though I truely deserved it sometimes) He provided a great home and all the security I ever needed. But I felt I was missing out on what could have been, and wanted to find it. My heart turned cold and I hurt him more than I could have ever imagined. I found someone new, and went selfishly on my way, thinking I was happy.
Over the next couple of years I gradually sunk further into my misery. At one point I was living in my car. It was my rock bottom, and the reality to the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life! But it was too late. Through out this whole time, my husband still cared "about" me, and was always there to help, but he had moved on with his life, and had a new special someone.
I was so wrapped up in "what if's" and what I "wanted"...that I gave up my true happiness to go treasure hunting for misery.
In the end, my dear husband welcomed me home with open arms. He still loves me, but not like he did, and I'll never forgive myself for hurting him so much, and for hurting his special someone.
If only I could go back and have the wisdom and the sight I have today...but that's another "if", and I'm never going to "if" again.

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