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RE: Your submissive isn't attracted to you. - 5/14/2007 5:43:48 PM

SDFemDom4cuck

Posts: 2809
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Do you care if your submissive is physically attracted to you or not? Does your opinion of him change if you discover he'd submit to someone else that he did not find attractive? Does it impact your opinion if you find he will submit to anyone regardless of "race, age or physically appearance?" There's a big difference between being "overly selective" and a submissive who will submit to anyone, as long as she is female. Exactly, the latter holds no interest for me in the least. I prefer that the person I choose have some level of "expectation" (for want of a better word) in the quality of person he/she will submit to just as I do in the one I choose to serve me.

Personally, I find myself much less attracted to a man who openly admits he is ready and willing to submit to anyone. I also have been guilty in the past of developing opinions about men who I see pursuing anyone he can; when he gets 'round to me, I will close the door on him, regardless of whether or not something sparks my interest. I am guilty of judging a submissive about other women he courts because I will not just be another one in a line. I had the same attitude in close social circles where word gets around who is dating whom; with submissive men, it seems a lot more prevalent. I have no intention of being another notch on a submissives belt. I specifically ask how many they have served and for how long to get an idea of whether they tend to submit rather willy nilly or they submit with more selectivity. I also ask about former Mistresses so I can get an idea of the type of people they allow into their lives.

I find that it's really critical to chemistry for me that a man submits to me out of attraction and desire on a variety of levels -- not that he was looking for anyone to fill the role. So many submissives take the "find femdom first; figure out chemistry later" approach. That approach lessens their chances with me to a large degree, and I can't see many other femdoms taking kindly to it. But maybe I am wrong? You're not wrong at all. It is definitely about chemistry. If all they're looking for is an attractive female first and then decide to see who I am then I'm not going to be interested in any way. I prefer that someone submit to Me, out of desire to serve the Dominant I am and the philosophies I hold personally rather than just be interested in the fact that I'm a Dominant Woman.

Akasha

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Ms Jo

She dealt her pretty words like Blades -
How glittering they shone -
And every One unbared a Nerve
Or wantoned with a Bone -

I want a sensitive man - one who'll cry when I hit him.

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RE: Your submissive isn't attracted to you. - 5/14/2007 8:48:46 PM

DominaSmartass

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I get something along these lines a lot:

"I am a VERY submissive man and I believe my place is under a woman, at her feet...and when I see a woman on the street wearing high heels I just find myself wanting to serve her."

EHHHHHH! Wrong answer. I, like many of the others who have posted previously, want to be chosen for special qualities I posess. Not because I have the right body parts that make me female.

Seriously, who out there wants to be a generic prop in someone else's fantasy?

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RE: Your submissive isn't attracted to you. - 5/14/2007 8:56:29 PM

DominaSmartass

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

this slave's submission is not inspired by others...it is something that comes from within, and does not discern by physical attributes, mood, generosity, bank account balance, race, age, etc.

whether or not it is focused on one specific person depends upon the commitment this slave has made, not the other person's attractiveness.

I understand what you are saying and I believe the same is true for many people who feel being a slave is hardwired into their genetic code ;) but the root of the matter is that you did enter into an agreement/commitment with your Master and not any one of the thousands of other "Masters" out there. So there must have been something about him, right? Or are you saying that he happened to just be in the right place at the right time and you needed someone to submit to and he needed someone to dominate so poof! you became his? I doubt it, but correct me if I'm wrong. I believe the OP was expressing her frustration at this phonomenon that occurs mostly (from what I've seen) the the femdom/submale realm where the subs' only criteria for submission is that the dom have a pair of breats, a vagina, and possibly some nice shoes.

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RE: Your submissive isn't attracted to you. - 5/14/2007 9:05:06 PM

DominaSmartass

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucius

Do you make a distinction between "someone who will submit to anyone" and "someone who will submit to somebody who isn't Me?"

Most definitely. There are many people out there who I know and think highly of and wouldn't care one bit if a boy chose over me. But that's very different than seeing someone go after any and every dom on the block just because they are looking to submit to someone - anyone.

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RE: Your submissive isn't attracted to you. - 5/14/2007 10:39:48 PM

themischievous1

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From: San Antonio, Texas
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass

I get something along these lines a lot:

"I am a VERY submissive man and I believe my place is under a woman, at her feet...and when I see a woman on the street wearing high heels I just find myself wanting to serve her."

EHHHHHH! Wrong answer.

I second this. This kind of commentary sounds like a generic line and says nothing about why he's writing to me. Pretty lame if he can't differentiate me from anybody else and I'm just another female to him.

As far as attraction, he'll need to be attracted to me to go the distance with what I'll have planned for him..

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RE: Your submissive isn't attracted to you. - 5/14/2007 11:36:45 PM

onthenosetone

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I submit only to my Ma'am, i believe even if i were single i'd not just get across a bench for anyone attractive or not, it's very emotional for me!

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RE: Your submissive isn't attracted to you. - 5/15/2007 6:36:01 AM

MsKatHouston

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quote:

I believe the OP was expressing her frustration at this phonomenon that occurs mostly (from what I've seen) the the femdom/submale realm where the subs' only criteria for submission is that the dom have a pair of breats, a vagina, and possibly some nice shoes.

Especially the nice shoes. To be helpful, anyone who wants to play in to that can watch http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYnn51C3X_w

Shoes.

I think it is important to be attracted to one another. At least it is in the type of dynamic I prefer. However, WHY I am attracted to someone is not always (or even usually) based solely on appearance. A person can be more physically appealing to me or less depending on their overall personality.

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RE: Your submissive isn't attracted to you. - 5/15/2007 7:43:03 AM

Mercnbeth

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quote:

Or are you saying that he happened to just be in the right place at the right time and you needed someone to submit to and he needed someone to dominate so poof! you became his? I doubt it, but correct me if I'm wrong.

Domina,
Well, in beth's case you are wrong. It pretty much happened just the way you describe. I was "at the right place at the right time". beth did need and seek someone to submit. Yes - she did agree to enter into a contract/commitment; but I fear and beth acknowledges, that she would have been similarly committed to anyone offering her the opportunity. No she wasn't "wanting". she was strong and managing her household, but it wasn't what she wanted. It was not a situation that was 'natural' or comfortable for her.

The story is, beth put an ad on a site, not this one but a similar, free at the time, site. The ad was up a week. she didn't write to anyone but took 50 responses that weren't 'troll-ish', and began the process. First looking only 100 miles from Santa Maria, 40-45 years old, at 46 and 180 miles away I didn't qualify. When the person she expected to begin her 'exploration' with put her on ignore, she says he got 'scared off', after a couple dates she went back to the drawing board. Expanding her criteria to 50 and 200 miles where I made it to the top of the pile. Look at our pictures on our profile and you'll see that looks wasn't high on beth's criteria. We met 10 days from the day of my reply to her profile. We posted that contact on our journal year on our meeting anniversary date.

Neither of us were looking for what we found. If she was told she would end up in a Master/slave relationship she would have no idea what that meant. If you told me, I'd be getting married again I would have bet the ranch with you that I would not. We were looking for friends who shared a common interest. Intensity, 24/7, M/s, and all the particular details regarding our sexual preferences and fantasies were never discussed until we met. I think we both felt we would scare the other if disclosed that side of each other. In fact, beth put 'no-interest' on a few activities that she always wanted to do, and now does regularly. It seems in the past, she was called "disgusting" for having these desires.

There was no lifestyle activity requirement because at the time beth had no lifestyle experience. I was her second "date", she never had a third. It is the reason we became members here. I didn't want my experience and my beliefs regarding the lifestyle to be her only point of reference.

It was a "poof". And one of us, me, never believed in "poof" or expected "poof". We're proof ; "poof"- happens!

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RE: Your submissive isn't attracted to you. - 5/15/2007 1:18:16 PM

cloudboy

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What I wonder about is: as a married, poly Domme --- what constitutes a LT secondary realtionship for you?

Suppose the right guy is attracted to you? Then what? What kind of relationship could he expect?

When a guy can only get experiences out of a woman, you can't blame him for not seeking a relationship with her. In such an instance, he is actually better off seeing you generically.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 5/15/2007 1:19:30 PM >

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RE: Your submissive isn't attracted to you. - 5/15/2007 1:35:11 PM

HellsMichelle

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Sorry, fast reply without reading all the posts:

I am reminded of a saying I once heard and often feel is quite true:

Men fall in love with the women they are attracted to; women are attracted to the men they fall in love with

It has to do with visual stimulation, but I think the quote makes sense...

Lv M

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RE: Your submissive isn't attracted to you. - 5/15/2007 2:31:38 PM

SDFemDom4cuck

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HellsMichelle

Sorry, fast reply without reading all the posts:

I am reminded of a saying I once heard and often feel is quite true:

Men fall in love with the women they are attracted to; women are attracted to the men they fall in love with

It has to do with visual stimulation, but I think the quote makes sense...

Lv M

There's a similar quote I love as well. Someone actually has it as their sig line and reminded me of it from long ago.

You don't love a woman because she's beautiful,
She is beautiful because you love her.
~ by Anonymous ~

_____________________________

Ms Jo

She dealt her pretty words like Blades -
How glittering they shone -
And every One unbared a Nerve
Or wantoned with a Bone -

I want a sensitive man - one who'll cry when I hit him.

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RE: Your submissive isn't attracted to you. - 5/15/2007 3:52:07 PM

DominaSmartass

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quote:

It was a "poof". And one of us, me, never believed in "poof" or expected "poof". We're proof ; "poof"- happens!

Sorry, but I still don't see you two in the same category as the "I am a submissive male, you are a dominant female: therefore I should be your slave" people. You two obviously had something in common and the interaction sparked something in one another that inspired her submission as well as your dominance (I don't believe it can happen any other way.) Poof -as in instant chemistry- is certainly possible, I've experienecd it myself. My boyfriend/"girl" of 10 months and I sparked from the first moment we met. We only had to go on one date before we were "together" and after 3 months of dating we took the plunge to move in together without any second thoughts. But it's not the fact that he is a submissive boy and "little girl" and I am a dominant woman and "Daddy" that made the relationship work...it's who we are as 3-dimensional people. That is the part that is lacking in the idea of a submissive who will "serve anyone." So am I still wrong about your relationship? Cause if so, I'll gladly shut up now.

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RE: Your submissive isn't attracted to you. - 5/15/2007 4:20:01 PM

Mercnbeth

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quote:

So am I still wrong about your relationship? Cause if so, I'll gladly shut up now.

Domina,
No not wrong, and please don't "shut up"!

The long narrative lost focus on the basic point. The fact that I came to the meeting as a "Dom" and beth showed up representing herself as a "sub" is the perspective we weren't giving clearly. Even though neither of us knew what the other meant by those Dom/sub labels, at the first handshake the dynamic was in place.

I think it is a positive distinction, when meeting someone new, to come to the table with a fundamental expectation in place. Even if the ultimate definitions aren't compatible, and many times with people I met they weren't, it's still there. You don't have to make any double entendre references. There is, or at least should be, less "acting".

I also feel that beth truly would have been a submissive who would "serve anyone"; I can only say if you met her, you would know that submission is very much a part of her nature. she is much more a submissive who would be a slave to anyone than I am a Dominant would be a Master to anyone. It doesn't make her "one dimensional" by any means. The submissive dimension is just overwhelming in her as a result of both nature and nurture.

DAMN! It is difficult if not impossible to express it clearly in words. The bottom line is there is no fundamental disagreement between us.

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RE: Your submissive isn't attracted to you. - 5/15/2007 5:24:21 PM

ExSteelAgain

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Do you care if your submissive is physically attracted to you or not? Does your opinion of him change if you discover he'd submit to someone else that he did not find attractive? Does it impact your opinion if you find he will submit to anyone regardless of "race, age or physically appearance?" There's a big difference between being "overly selective" and a submissive who will submit to anyone, as long as she is female.

Who is to say that she didn’t find something in that previous Dom that went beyond the physical? Who am I to judge what she found attractive before? If I happen to look better than a previous Dom, so much the better. If she happens to look better than a previous sub, so much the better.

However, I feel personality trumps in the long run even though there are strong attractions based on looks alone. I’ve had situations (both ways) of physical attractions that were based on first look things. Those attractions were surprisingly strong and made me keep looking for the time when she would decide I was not like that first impression or she wasn’t when it was my first look thing.

That aside and generally speaking, I think you can have brief relationships with someone based on looks, but if you are going to stay together, you have to be compatible and have similar values. Simply said, I may want to Dom the model once or twice, but she may be stupid, pushy, a liar, a cheater, a boor or so messed up emotionally that it is impossible to relax with her. Personality trumps and I would much rather flog someone I want to have dinner with or watch TV with.

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RE: Your submissive isn't attracted to you. - 5/15/2007 6:35:27 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Do you care if your submissive is physically attracted to you or not? Does your opinion of him change if you discover he'd submit to someone else that he did not find attractive? Does it impact your opinion if you find he will submit to anyone regardless of "race, age or physically appearance?" There's a big difference between being "overly selective" and a submissive who will submit to anyone, as long as she is female.

Hope you don't mind my answering since I am a male dominant but I did want to chime in. Yes, I prefer that some part of me be physically attractive to them. Yes, I prefer that some part of them be physically attractive to me. I find myself a bit leery of those who say that age and race and physical appearance make no difference but also leery of those who place a huge emphasis on it. I am much more than my looks and so is any femsubmissive I would be interested in...but I do have to look at her and she at me each day.

quote:

Personally, I find myself much less attracted to a man who openly admits he is ready and willing to submit to anyone. I also have been guilty in the past of developing opinions about men who I see pursuing anyone he can; when he gets 'round to me, I will close the door on him, regardless of whether or not something sparks my interest. I am guilty of judging a submissive about other women he courts because I will not just be another one in a line. I had the same attitude in close social circles where word gets around who is dating whom; with submissive men, it seems a lot more prevalent.

I don't know about this as, where I live, I am not in constant touch with the "community" circle. I enjoy friendly relationships with a lot of submissives and several dominants, male and female. I would be the first to admit that there is some flirtatious behavior on my part but I really do tend to keep it friendly flirtatious and not overtly, "let's go" flirtation. I reserve that for those that pique my interest in a more than friendly way and that is not easily done. Oddly enough, that seems to be true for the femsubmissives whose interest I pique. Again, this comes down to more than only physical attraction and more than only mental attraction and more than only fetish attraction.

quote:

I find that it's really critical to chemistry for me that a man submits to me out of attraction and desire on a variety of levels -- not that he was looking for anyone to fill the role. So many submissives take the "find femdom first; figure out chemistry later" approach. That approach lessens their chances with me to a large degree, and I can't see many other femdoms taking kindly to it. But maybe I am wrong?

Akasha

I agree. See my replies above. However, as a cautionary note...at my age, I recognize that most of the femsubmissives I would find myself attracted to have had other dominants to whom they have felt that desire to submit. I have had that desire to dominate others and no, it was not just because they were the "sub who said yes". I want them to feel that desire for me but one way I keep my feet on the ground is not by the realization that "they would submit to anyone"...that would indeed push me away...but that they find me to be one of the 'special' ones that they feel the desire and need to submit to.

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RE: Your submissive isn't attracted to you. - 5/15/2007 7:02:50 PM

DominaSmartass

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

So am I still wrong about your relationship? Cause if so, I'll gladly shut up now.

Domina,
No not wrong, and please don't "shut up"!

I was kidding (when in doubt, refer back to my screen name and don't let the serious look of my profile pic fool you.)

quote:

The long narrative lost focus on the basic point. The fact that I came to the meeting as a "Dom" and beth showed up representing herself as a "sub" is the perspective we weren't giving clearly. Even though neither of us knew what the other meant by those Dom/sub labels, at the first handshake the dynamic was in place.

That, IMO, is perfectly fine. Not everyone does it that way but many do. Again, much different from the mindless, zombie-like, thing we as female doms see a lot.

quote:

I also feel that beth truly would have been a submissive who would "serve anyone"; I can only say if you met her, you would know that submission is very much a part of her nature. she is much more a submissive who would be a slave to anyone than I am a Dominant would be a Master to anyone. It doesn't make her "one dimensional" by any means. The submissive dimension is just overwhelming in her as a result of both nature and nurture.

I wasn't trying to imply that anyone who has a natural inclination to serve or submit is one dimensional, I hope you didn't think that and I'm pretty sure you didn't. I know many natural slaves who will go out of their way to help and be helpful to anyone in any situation cause it's just in their nature. Still, very different from what we're talking about above because, in my mind at least, someone who is like beth as you describe her is not basically inserting any dom who happens to be around into the role in order to fulfill her own fantasies. I can't differentiate any more than I feel I already have but I'm glad we finally realize we've been saying the same thing for the most part.

quote:

DAMN! It is difficult if not impossible to express it clearly in words. The bottom line is there is no fundamental disagreement between us.

Yeah, I kind of knew that. I was just trying to express myself so that you saw the distinction and didn't put yourself and beth into the same class as the aforementioned "vagina = mistress" types. Or in your case "cock = master." I see that a lot more in the gay world than in het relationships. Don't know too many women who will worship a man just cause he's a man and has a hot body whereas I see plenty of gay boys who will.

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RE: Your submissive isn't attracted to you. - 5/15/2007 9:33:19 PM

domtimothy46176

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quote:

Do you care if your submissive is physically attracted to you or not?

Nope, not in the slightest. Physicality is only tangentially related to my interaction with my girl. It's an afterthought, icing on the cake, a fringe benefit, perhaps. She serves me because serving me fills her need as serving another would not. I own her because owning her pleases me in ways owning other, lesser women would not.

One would surmise, based on the remainder of your post, that this question is perhaps less important than others.

Timothy

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RE: Your submissive isn't attracted to you. - 5/15/2007 11:17:12 PM

pollux

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quote:

So many submissives take the "find femdom first; figure out chemistry later" approach. That approach lessens their chances with me to a large degree, and I can't see many other femdoms taking kindly to it.

Without disputing that femdoms don't necessarily *like* this, I'd like to try to give a different perspective on this particular piece of a very broad subject:

The odds for a male sub in the D/s dating marketplace are not anywhere near equal what they are for a femdom. A picky male sub is in for a LONG search.

I don't think it's always a case of "find femdom first; figure out chemistry later". A lot of the time, I think it's a simple matter of malesubs prioritizing their needs based on what's important to them, and doing what they have to given that the odds are overwhelming. I think most malesubs who are lucky enough to attract a potential partner figure that they will at least try to "make it work" -- even if the chemistry isn't necessarily firing on all cylinders. I'm not naive enough to think that there aren't malesub "players" who skip from partner to partner on a whim, but I think it's also true that there are a lot of guys out there who *aren't* players and are simply trying to succeed in a very tough dating & mating market.

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RE: Your submissive isn't attracted to you. - 5/16/2007 4:31:57 AM

MissOchistic

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Hmm...well, i can tell ya this much. i would not submit to someone i did not find attractive, mentally and physcially. i would also be very disturbed if i found out my Dom didn't care...i happen to like having my fur a bit fluffed and feeling special, and knowing it didn't matter the least to them would hurt me, somehow. in the short time i did explore domination, i would have felt the same about a submissive.

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RE: Your submissive isn't attracted to you. - 5/16/2007 11:19:41 AM

mygoldilocks

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I'm a female submissive recently dealing with this exact issue.

Through emails and chat, I found myself attracted to a D I'd met on line. His approach to D/s was so in accordance with mine that I knew I wanted to meet him. Our talks were deep, and our connection strong; I couldn't imagine not being with him. He did not ask for a photo, nor send me one. When I did finally meet him, I was so disappointed. I felt absolutely no attraction to him...and I really wanted to! He said that if I asked to submit to him, he would accept me. We talked for a bit, but I knew that I could not submit to someone I didn't feel chemistry with. Had I known ahead of time how he looked, I would have ended things before meeting.

I learned a lot...Looks, chemistry, charisma, pheromones...all matter. And because some folks don't describe themselves truthfully, photos are a must. Especially once a positive connection seems to be happening.

Good luck to all on the journey to finding their One.
:)

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