RexLongBeach
Posts: 58
Joined: 10/30/2004
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I really don't like questionnaires.
[questionnaire rant]
There are a variety of survey forms circulating on the web and in the community. One of them has 128 rules that a submissive is supposed to review and decide which might apply to her, the extent to which they might apply, and whether they need to be modified. Other surveys ask detailed questions about preferences, likes, dislikes and limits.
The advantage to these forms is that they can be quite comprehensive, covering a variety of choices of which novice submissives or Dominants might not even be aware. Since anything that fosters discussion and communication is generally viewed as "good", many people believe these "instruments" to be of value. The drawbacks, however, outweigh the advantages.
First, the instruments represent a shotgun approach to Dominance. Rather than exploring information and honing in on each other's needs and wants, the instruments force discussions into the broadest possible areas. How is a new submissive to feel when she is confronted with a list of 128 rules she might obey, many of which she is probably unfamiliar with? No matter how good her intentions, it would be difficult not to feel overwhelmed and inadequate.
Next, let's say she DOES sign up for some of the rules, completing the document in good faith. She signs up for some rules because they look easy, some rules because they sound erotic or stimulating for her, and some others because she thinks they'll please him. Is the Dominant, now in possession of this list of agreed upon rules, now obligated to enforce them all? What if the rules she picked to please him don't particularly float his boat? Is he stuck enforcing a bunch of rules to satisfy her best guesses of what she thought would please him?
Certainly, one could say that the purpose of the instrument is to foster communication, and the example I've just generated would certainly create a lot of discussion. But wouldn't it have been easier in the first place for the people involved to simply meet and discuss expectations and preferences? Moreover, if the submissive is to go over a list of "rules", and decide which she is to obey and which she can dismiss - who is really in control? It's nothing more than forcing the submissive to top from the bottom.
We also object to these instruments because they are unfair. They place by far the greatest burden of disclosure on the submissive: she has to reveal the most intimate details of her every fantasy, her every desire while the Dominant has nothing to do but judge her responses. Certainly, we hope that all relationships will provide a healthy place for disclosure and acceptance - but the way to get there isn't to request complete disclosure through an impersonal form generated by someone else for someone else.
The instruments short-circuit an important part of the trust building process: negotiation. Going through items of mutual interest in a conversation allows each person to bring up and respond to salient points. Each person then has the ability to understand the priorities of the other, and observe reactions, and measure consistency of responses around sensitive topics. Having someone fill out a form opens the door to miscommunication: one person might think an issue is addressed because it was contained in the form; another might not have fully or carefully considered the response in the form because some of the other 127 items on the list were of greater importance to them.
Finally, we object to the forms because of the way we have seen them used in practice. Too often, a submissive is given one of these forms to fill out, and in her (usually novice's) eagerness to explore, she puts long hours into her response. The Dominant can then take the information, use it to manipulate the submissive, use the submissive herself, and then discard her.
No one circulating or posting these surveys/questionnaires suggests that they be taken in a vacuum. Appropriately, they all suggest that the survey is to be used in concert with other forms of communication. My view, however, is that these forms impede communications by muddling and mis-prioritizing the issues.
[/questionnaire rant]
Formally yours,
Rex
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